Next Chapter

Hey.

It's been a minute, eh? I've got a lot of stuff to say, and not a lot of brain power at the moment, but suffice to say that I'm gonna try to be here more regularly this season. I'll get into more details and things over the weeks maybe. I don't feel like getting into it all right now. But man. My self-image is vastly different than it was the last time I regularly wrote here.

This month I'm perhaps making the biggest changes to my life that I've made in a while. And I feel like that's saying a lot.

I feel like I've been asking the question "who am I?" and "what do I want?" for 2 years, if not more, and right now I'm so at the end of my understanding that I just need to change it all and think. 

I feel like that's why I've come back here. 

I feel like it'll be a good place to think. a good place to vent? to vocalize? to give space to think?

So much of my life the last year has been escapism. Tuning out not only the world, but the inner world too. The outside world has been on fire and I think we're almost getting back to semi-normalcy as things finally start to smolder down to the coals and become useful as a consistent heat source to make something new. the inner world that has been on fire might be getting to a similar place, but with no one working to figure out what to make of it. 

And maybe what I need is some time to think and reflect and to grow.

Over the years I've heard and offered that people should journal. It can be therapeutic. It can be healing. It can help in so many ways. I don't want to physically journal. I don't want to waste a notebook. :P I don't want something that years down the road will just be lost and forgotten. I wanted a place that I could look back and see who I was and who I became and Who helped me along the way. I think that's why I'm back too. To write down the next chapter and reflect on the last one, which hadn't been written down. When I write here I feel like there's a certain amount of censoring that I need to do, a certain amount of writing in euphemism, a certain amount of putting extra thought behind my words to communicate more than I normally do, but while maintaining a level of uncommunication that I prefer. I want to write vulnerably, and really get out what I need to get out. I want to write professionally. I want in some way for it to be useful, should someone find it. And previously that had been very important to me. But this season, I think I just need to write for me. 

So, welcome to the next chapter. Welcome, myself, to the next chapter. May it be a good one for us. And anyone else who joins us along the way, strap yourself in. It might get bumpy, and deep, and messy along the way. ;P

Ttyl.

D.Fa

P.S. I've got pet mice right now, and they are adorable, and should be preserved for future remembrance as well. :P Cam and Adi, who I'll probably explain at some point. 

P.P.S. They currently hate each other. But they're still cute individually. 

Rambling

Yo

I can be really lazy sometimes. But I want to get better too. Last week I was at this HUGE mission conference in St. Louis, Urbana, and it was amazing and very challenging as well. I really want to verbally process everything out here, but I also have crazy goals like going to bed before 12 everyday, reading 25 books this year, getting off of my laptop and cell phone by 10. In combination with me being lazy and me starting to knit a new shawl, I didn't spend any time today posting blog posts.

I had planned to wake up fairly early, read + pray, go to school, get a good chunk of literature research done, skype with a good brother of mine, do some more work, then come home and be free. Instead I woke up a bit late, it was cold outside and I don't know how to bus to school anymore, so I stayed home and watched youtube and anime while knitting until skype time.

Getting to talk with my good brother allowed me to talk through some of the things that I have been thinking about since Urbana and I always cherish the times we spend talking. His heart for God is so true and I greatly respect the disciplines he has developed to really keep him grounded in Christ. I'll definitely let you know more about this later, but I've been thinking a lot about long-term missions and what I'd need to do to prepare for that. He's in a very similar position and it was great hearing him out on that too.

Man. I'm not really looking forward to this semester. It's gonna be really tough spending so much time at Health Canada doing research alone in a lab. It's gonna be tough living with my housemates that I never really see or talk to and whom I don't really see eye to eye with. It's going to be tough trying to live a life of witness while being scared of the potentially tough conversations I'd have with lab mates. It will be tough. But Jesus never said it would be easy and it can't be as bad as I think. There will probably be other students in the lab at Health Canada. My housemates aren't as bad as I think and let's hope we communicate more this semester. I'm sure my lab mates at Carleton will be respectful and I'll be reading some apologetics books soon.

My good brother had this thing he does. When he learns something cool about God or apologetcs he goes and has a talk with a non-Christian person about it. Crazy. / So cool. haha.

*sigh*

This year will be good through the challenges. God is greater than the highs and the lows

Ttyl.

D.Fa

I have been saved.

So, ya.

Today was a major stress and I would be dead right now if it were not for a few people.

If you would like to skip that giant beast of a paragraph, feel free to, but it has a lot of the details of how I am still alive and more specifics, I think... xP

I woke up this morning at 6am knowing full well that I had barely scratched the surface of a 12 page bio lab. I went to bed at 12 knowing that my computer hates me and would not allow microsoft office to work. So, on the off chance that my housemates had left one of their laptops on the main floor I woke up early (This is in direct contradiction to one of my 'resolutions' I posed back in January to not borrow without asking that I still have not been doing... I have borrowed tweezers, tooth paste, laptops, guitars, ice cream, a bedroom, CD player, printer, laundry basket, frozen vegetables, margarine, towel, a matress, a blanket, herbs, a laptop charging cable thing, an xbox, a device for shaving, ummm I don't know what else... but I digress. This is in paratheses.) in an attempt to borrow one of their laptops. Since this did not happen, I quickly tried to do some of the Intro for my lab on a draft for a blog post (which I don't think will be posted..? o.0) because it could be transferred between computers. In any case I run off to school on the bus. I get to the computer lab in Steacie building and holed myself up there until everything was done. At 10:30 my support coach for East Asia PRoject was going to call me and talk for like half an hour. He was too busy, Thank God. I had been budgeting my time, kinda, and I knew that at 1 I'd be kicked out for a class that uses the lab. It was like 1:20 and still I was there. Thank God. lol. I was not done yet and relocating wouldn't have sped up the process. So, I thought I'd need like 5 minutes maybe to get to class (starting at 1:30) and so when 1:30 passed I was like dang, I'm gonna need to finish ASAP. Going as fast as possible I managed to finish to a satisfactory level and went to print it. Guess what? PRINTER JAM! WHAT!??! I spent 4$ on a printer jam! with only 1$ left on my campus card, ie not enough to actually pay for the new copy I'd have to buy at another printer somewhere.......... On top of which it was now 1:40 and I think that 'if you are more than 15 minutes late to a lab you cannot enter' and must do a make-up or fail or something. So with all this stress (because I had no idea how to unjam the printer which is locked in a plexiglas cage with a padlock) I suddenly thought of the Integrated Science Centre room or whatever it is that DK had shown me only once before. You just (as an integrated science student which I am not) bring paper to the room and you can print (double sided is an option) for FREE! So I ran off there (and just so happened to leave my laptop charging cable there, as I have just found out at 9pm.) and freaked out because I was so late.... I then had to ask to borrow paper from people I don't know. This girl gave me some. I rushed to print everything. I got to about the 5th last page and no one in the room had any more paper. I had to ask again and they told me to ask one of the profs or whatever they are that have rooms in that hall. The woman the next door over gave me a huge pile of paper. So, I managed to print it all. Thank God. I then sprint to the bio lab. I got there just as the lab coordinator was finishing describing how to do the lab that I had not prepared for at all. My lab partner has been, no offense, utterly useless in helping me with the labs. I mean she just doesn't get things very quickly. I'm sure if I got to know her better we would be in a better situation. In anycase, this week we were in groups of four, thank God, and they seemed to know what they were doing. Not really, but it gave me time to figure out what we were doing. lol. This lab had no actual experimentation, so it was a really quick lab. Thank God. I had earlier planned to work on my resume with CW in Rooster's after my lab, so I ran off to there. I needed this resume ASAP for a summer job that I was already a week behind in applying for and now that I had sent an email and He had responded I really had to send a resume. CW is like the best older brother ever. Thank God that he is in my life. lol.. He has been really useful for a lot of things. Not only because he is in English and that is my worst subject, but also in encouraging me in my walk with God and just everything. So, we (he) worked on that for like an hour and a half. I then ate breakfast (5:30pm a few granola bars). CW left to go home and study. Then I realized I had like 15 minutes until my bio lab was due (electronic submission in addition to the hard copy, I know really..?) so I ran off to the computer lab again and did that. Thank God CW left... lol we could have been there another hour. Anyways, I had been planning on helping SC with his Japanese film that night. I was gonna skip Discipleship group and just help him. He ended up being too sick. That is too bad, but in a way, I got to go to DG and hear the end of the prodigal son parable and I learned some neat things. more about prodigal son later maybe, summary, younger brother takes inheiritance from his father who isn't dead yet and wastes it all. He comes back ready to beg to be a slave because they live well enough. His dad comes running to him when he comes home and prepares the fatted calf for a celebration. The older brother who had been working hard for years is kinda confused, jealous, angry among other things that he never had a young goat to celebrate with his friends. Their dad comforts him by saying that everything he has is his son's and that it is good to celebrate because the younger brother was dead but is now alive again, he was lost but now is found. Thank God that I got to go to DG and just hang out with MW, DJ, CV, RM and DL. I havn't actually been to DG/C4C in like a couple weeks and can't go on Friday either, so I thought it might be kinda like I'm dropping out or something. In any case they really encouraged me. God too. I mean I had never thought about it that way. I'm just no good at individual Bible study, I mostly just read. So, ya. I went off to my parents for dinner. Free leftovers, thank God. Then JW finally called and I talked for a while and used the computer my brother had been using for his Anthro project until I high-jacked it. There is a lot of stuff I need to do ASAP for project. I mean if I don't do anything, then I definately can't go right..? Anyways, I am now at home borrowing JK's charging cable for my laptop. It's a good thing they are interchangeable, thank God. Also, after thought: Thank God I didn't have work this morning. >.>

So, summary: I made a lot of plans for today. Things I thought would be good. Prioritizing because it was on my schedule of things to do, and guess what. Most if not all of those plans fell through, but for the best. God's plan for my life is far better than mine. Thank God that he is on our side. If we were His enemies it would be like trying to swim up a waterfall. It's not gonna happen. But because He loves us and is patient with us He overlooks our selfishness and helps us to do what He wants us to do. He gently calls us back. He will never force you to do something against your will. If anything had been different today I would be in a Much worse position than I am. I know that there is a lot to do this week, but with God's help I will be able to pull through and get to where I am supposed to be, where God wants me to be.

God has saved me from my sins and has helped me continue moving forward.

(I already have 50 names on this piece of paper. Just because the average age is around 18 is kinda sketchy though.... lol.)

D.Fa

Re-Reading

Lol... I thought that re-reading some of my old blog posts would give me more hints about what I should have in my testimony and I found this in the first post:

"Let me just say that I have very little time and will only update this when I have free-time or when I am procrastinating..."

I have deffinately been posting on a nearly daily basis, often more than once in a day on special occaisions, and I deffinately do Not have free time that is actually free, so I guess that means that I am procrastinating more than before. xP

Uggg... So many of the first posts are me explaining things.... It's kinda boring... xP And they are soooooooo long. >.>

I have stopped reading old posts. They are all too long. xP I will from now on avoid super long posts... xP

I kinda want to go sharing right now and at the same time I have this fear in my gut... xP I havn't gone sharing since Friday....... I kinda need more sleep and I kinda need to finish some assignments and stuff.............

I end up quitting so many of the goals I set. This annoys me.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. I really like medians. Not the math medians. The ones in the middle of roads. They make j-walking so much easier. XP...

PPS. J(?) is really cute.

Another Shot at 'Evangelerving'...

So.

I am kinda in a crummy mood again. When you spend 3 hours walking around, looking at people, talking to people you do know only as a distraction and you even have them all praying for you and then you say hi to one guy who is willing to talk if his group members don't show up and then one of them does, when you are trying so hard to find excuses for why you aren't sharing that you even spend 5$ on vitamin enhanced fruit juice... You feel kinda crummy...

I have to put an end to this.
I've got to just do it.
I've got to get over this stupid inability to meet people in unawkward ways.
I've got to live the rest of my life more intentionally.

Scratch that.

I've just got to rely on Him more and more and just forget about what I have to do.

Tommorow will be better. I have 5 hours between class. With God's help I want to talk to at least 10 people. In 5 hours this should not be a very difficult goal.

Ya...

I hate when I do this.

D.Fa

New Year's Resolutions

Hey, So, I have recently been thinking about new year's resolutions.

New Year's resolutions generally end up being self-imposed restrictions that will 'make you a better person' or some goal which you hope to achieve but end up forgetting or some other trivial matter, maybe a joke..? I don't know, but the point is: New Year's Resolutions often fail and epically at that.

I had blogged 3 resolutions. They all related to me having better relationships with the people around me. I have now failed basically all of them. The third one is a semi-fail. It isn't as consistent as I had wanted it to be, but it's back on schedule now..?

In any case the point I was going to make is a point that was made in a seminar during winter conference. "Colossians 2:20-23 Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence." These rules that we have made for ourselves are bound to fall apart. Especially because often we will try by our own strength to live up to them. They often have nothing to do with what God wants for us, but just what we want for ourselves (read: selfish). God has a plan for us. Whether we follow it or not is our choice. It is the main choice between following God and going your own way. Basically that is the big problem; sin is doing things your own way, choosing to disobey God and go your own way.

So, ya. Resolutions are good, however, when they are in line with God's plan and you are praying about them and desiring to fulfill them. Although they must not be idols. So, ya. The main good I see in this is a motivation, a goal, something that you can in a much shorter term view fulfill and accomplish. Why should real goals only be made at the beginning of things..? At the beginning of the year, at the beginning of a semester, at the beginning of a new job, etc. You should make real goals throughout your life. xP

I have not made many goals, but when I have a goal I will pursue it to the end.

On Wednesday I failed at going sharing. I procrastinated by msning, starting my project application, trying to do some other things... In any case I finally went at 5:15 to go sharing. First, I ran into DS and MB and we had a very odd conversation. xP When they left, I went around the school looking for the standard 'random evangelism targets.' Those bored looking, lonely people sitting with nothing to do. I failed to find anyone to such a degree as that. You see, I didn't have that terrible feeling of fear that paralyzes and cripples me from approaching anyone, but I now had such high standards that I couldn't even approach anyone because they did not fulfill my new 'litmus test' for sharing.

You see... The way I saw it was that if anyone was:
-reading a book
-listening to their ipod or w/e with earbuds
-looking at their laptop
-sitting with other people
-not white or asian

I would pass them by much more easily. Ya. I know. That is a terrible list of 'excuses' that are so shallow and meaningless that they really should not be a problem. If they are reading, it is probably not that important (I mean I'm never in the library, so it mustn't really matter.). If they have earbuds in, it's probably some mundane music on an ipod. If they are on their laptop, it could be facebook, blogs, it could be a number of unproductive things. If they are sitting with other people, that means that if I share with them it is like sharing twice, but only actually once. The last one is a terrible excuse, but slightly true... I apologize that it is on that list, but I feel like I can relate more with those people, but it is no excuse. Everyone needs to know Jesus. The only way to know if they are too busy to have a conversation is if I ask them.

I have honestly walked around for two hours only having approached 2 people because 1. I felt so scared and 2. because they weren't free enough to talk to me, in my mind. On top of the fact that I wasted 2 hours the people would be too busy to talk, so I actually wouldn't have accomplished anything in those two hours. Now, of those two main excuses number 1 has been broken by Winter Conference and number 2 is just all me, I didn't actually know if they were busy or not.

So. The point of me telling you all this is that I am looking to go sharing practically daily rather than weekly and these are some barriers that I have put up that should not even exist. ,', I shall tear them down. That was a 'therefore' sign by the way. With the help of God, I will tear them down.

So. From now on I shall approach those people that I 'feel' are too busy to share with.

Monday: I shall approach those who are reading a book. Clearly what they are reading is less important than if they were reading the Bible.

Tuesday: I shall approach those with earbuds / headphones. Mark 4:9 "He who has ears to hear, let him hear" Instead of listening to music that probably doesn't have a good message, they should hear the truth.

Wednesday: I shall approach people in a group of two. What good is it to spread the message to only one person..? You will never fulfill the great commission that way. All need to learn the truth that there is a loving God. Paul preached to thousands and thousands came to Christ. You can't get thousands to come to Christ if you only preach to one person at a time.

Thursday: I will approach people on their lap tops / notebooks. Laptops and Notebooks can be used not only as a study tool, but also as a tool for procrastinating and leisure and wasting time. Entropy says that there are far more ways to waste time than to be productive. By this logic it is likely that people on a laptop are wasting their time. Possibly playing flash games or facebook or whatever. Only your relationship with God matters in the end.

Friday: I will approach all types of people. Matthew 28:19 "... go and make disciples of all nations..." We have been told to go and bring the gospel to all ends of the earth, to all people.

In all cases I must rely on the Spirit though. It will never be my words that convince someone that God exists, but it will be God himself working in their hearts that will bring them back to Him and His loving arms.

Ya... xP Super long post. Deal with it. xP

D.Fa

Swingin' Into the Night

So, ya.

Since I last posted we have had dinner, walked back, had main session, prayed, then swing danced.

The main session's focus tonight was on Quebec and how only 0.8% or so of the 10.2 million people are evangelical Christians. A very small percentage of people. Through varying things said by the speaker or other people there was this urge placed on having a heart for Quebec, moving to Quebec, praying for Quebec, etc. The main message had a lot to do with just making the little time we have left make a difference. There were many stats about how we could reach the whole world within the next 10 years and other things like that.

I just kinda started getting really sad thinking about how my faith was so small. This was most clear when she started speaking of how our job isn't going to be easy, but you know, the lord will give us everything we need. I know these things are true and I have said / prayed a number of times a number of things, but had I really meant them..? Was I really ready to step out and do hard work. I felt like such a coward and a hypocrite and a very faithless person thinking that I would rather just curl up in my safe little bubble instead of taking everything we have learned and making a difference.

I think that I prayed as sincerely as I ever have that God would stengthen my trust in Him in the coming semester and summer as I make larger steps of faith and break more faith barriers. Sure, it would be easy to just stay where we are in our safety, but that's such a waste. It's boring, not making progress, not doing as God has commanded us. I pray that I would be able to surrender in all situations and just rely on His hope and love and goodness to provide for me. Fear and insecurity should not exist if I am truly relying on the Lord.

So, ya. I prayed with HO, RM, R(?) and J(?).

Then I went swing dancing. xP So fun dancing. I havn't danced since the Musical. NJ was my partner then, but today I had like 20 partners (they made us switch everytime we learned something new, which was slightly annoying, but we got to meet so many new people...) It was a lot of fun. xP

On an unrelated note, have you ever been reminded of someone based more on the shape of the person than their actual personality..? xP I have been seeing people all week that look the same (mostly) as some people I know. These people include RM(high school friend), JB, JC(parcour/tiger suit), Dr. JS and HK(male). xP

Ya.

I've been coming up with new years resolutions. So far I have:
-I will tell people when I borrow things from them
-I will answer people when they ask me questions
-I will read the old testament

There are other things that I have now forgotten, but will remember at some point.

This week has been so great. There have been so many cool things I have learned. One of which is that 'distractions' such as facebook and cellphones can be used as a tool in spreading the gospel to our friends. Until the day of outreach I hadn't really attempted to start spiritual conversations with my friends. I may have been witnessing with my life and actions, maybe, but I hadn't really said much. I deffinately told like 15 people I was at this conference on Wednesday.

My room smells like bananas.... Ewwwwwwwww..... And they are ripe......

Ttyl.

=D.Fa

PS. One day left..!?!?!?!

CU-Wireless

Ossu.

Nani o shite imasu ka.

Watashi wa hima desu. FIJIKKUSU no KURASU wa juuji han goro ni hajimasu.


xP I'm bored and ya....

The reason I was late to class yesterday, aside from the fact I didn't have a watch, is that I was basically procrastinating. xP I was listening to Big Bang and reading AL's blog. I had done some work, but mainly not much. xP

I have managed to connect, on and off anyways, to the Carleton wireless internet with my laptop. It's semi-sketchy.... actually, pretty sketchy... I can't seem to stay connect for very long... I doubt that I will be using my laptop very much at school...

So, my chem class is like 5-600 people... I wanted to sleep like 10 more minutes this morning, and in a chain reaction, that meant I had to take the last possible bus before class. It was extremely packed on top of which, we were like 10 minutes late and honestly, you have to get to chem class like 15-20 minutes early to get a good seat... and like 10 minutes early to get a seat... so I was in the aisle..... xP

Ya... this internet sucks... xP

I have been attempting some of my goals. Some are easy, some take time, and some I think will be pretty hard... and I've been trying to find loopholes to justify my actions. Like reading 3 chapters before watching anime. Read 3 before each anime..? read 3 chapters, not in succesion, then watch anime..? Can you stockpile chapters then cash them in later..? I suppose I wasn't specific enough. I really want to watch anime though.... xP I only watch One Piece yesterday night! that's like 3 days after I could have potentially watched it! I always watch OP at like 11pm Saturday.

Anyways, this is not really working for me... so I'm gonna stop trying right now............ ya...

Ttyl.

D.Fa

Breifly and for a While

Sometimes I am just too shy...

So, ya...

--- just discoved that I have lost my testamony.... xP.....

So, ya.

I grew up in a pretty normal home. Loving parents, a crazy brother, pets. I was just another normal kid. I was going through life because I had to, not for any real reason. I got good grades in school and because of this, school ended up at the center of my life. Everything I did was somehow related to school. Until a couple years ago when a friend invited me to YF.

It was at YF in the Alpha course that I was introduced to who Jesus is and what He actually did. How he came to pay our debt and give us life. and that's what he did by bringing me to church. Since then I've been learning more, meeting new people, going to youth events, singing worship songs and growing.

I tried to overcome obstacles on my own and fell flat on my face a number of times, but since I've been able to put down my pride and ask for help I've come much further along this narrow path.

I still have a way to go, but now I'll have help moving forward each day, whether its inching forward or taking a larger step. And if I start to turn from this path, I know I'll be called back.


So, ya... That is a brief testamony. I feel like I use too many cliches and not enough of my own words, but I'm terrible at English and using words to express what I mean.


I'm also supposed to have specific detailed goals for how to grow spiritually in the next year.

I can [mostly] only think of goals that are based on regrets involving miscommunication... like:

Tell my parents 2 weeks in advance, in detail, of events that will be happening;
Start at least 5 conversations that are more than just "Hi" "Hi" "How are you?" each week;
Tell at least 2 people about the gospel each week;
Invite at least 1 person to church each week;
When someone asks a question, do not give the short version, ie "i don't know" or *shrug*;
Spend 15 minutes, minimum, each day reading the bible;
Before watching an episode of anime, read 3 chapters of the bible;
Pray every hour;

So, ya.... I should sleep.... xP




I found this song today. xP Big Bang FTW! It's got a crazy beat.



Ttyl.

D.Fa

This Better Be Quick

"Hey, Al, I don't have much time to explain this, but I don't have a girlfriend today."

So, ya.

This is a quick post, mostly to procrastinate, but I'm trying not to... *rolls eyes*

Today. Church, then work.

In sunday we looked at Dueteronomy I think. Love God with all your mind soul and strength. Pastor DB also brought up the same verse during the sermon when he was talking about passing the torch from parents to their kids. He kinda embarassed RL (like usual) by saying that he doesn't make his own lunches, his dad does. I'm actually in the same situation, so I was thinking all day at work about how whenI wuld wake up at 5:30 for band, now that I don't have band I could use that time to make breakfast / lunch instead of sleeping in. It may or may not happen. If it does happen it will be PB and J on pumpernickel. xP

So, ya. Then I was thinking that it appears that I want to grow up, but idk...

Anyways, bye!

D.Fa

Amazing Grace

So, ya.

For a couple months I've had a physics project. It is something about SLR cameras. I'm not actually 100% on what it is, so ya. xP The point is, I should have had more of it done on time. It was due yesterday. I really had barely started on Monday and then I kept procrastinating. By the end of Wednesday I knew I had very little time left.

Thursday I had the "Grand Finale". It was the last school concert I'd be in at Merivale. I also had a softball game right before it. I thought that it felt better then normal, but it definately sounded a bit worse... xP. We had a substitute teacher in place of our conductor, so ya... she also didn't have the conductor scores for all the pieces... Also, dixie kinda fell apart. We probably shouldn't have played new music for the final concert. I missed all the rehearsals for the two weeks before (total 2) and only got the music on Tuesday and didn't play it until Thursday at 3:10. The drummer also didn't have music for it. At all...

So, ya. The concert ended (including photos and cleanup) at 10 and a bit. My parents had left because they don't help clean up and my dad wanted to watch the montreal game, so they told me to call to get a ride when I was done. I did. For 10 minutes. The phone was off and so I couldn't call them. I walked home. I think I did some work, but I definately went to sleep earlier then I should have.

I also woke up later then I should have... like 7:30..? I could have woken up at like 6:00 and finished it... probably. Instead I decided that my physics mark is so low already that it's not going to be in my top 6 either way and decided to be well rested instead of not stressed. I had also thought of skipping classes to do it, but then I'd be sacrificing my bio and calc marks to keep my physics mark at a "good" mark... I thought I could just do it over the weekend.

My teacher has recently been becoming more and more annoyed at late submissions... Like some people have been handing in labs months after they were due, so he wanted it in. Friday. So... I had to email it to him by midnight. He said to anyone who didn't hand it in to start working on it immediately and to not take any breaks until it was done.

I had rehearsal and then work until 11. I was going to try to get off at 9, but I couldn't get off until 10, which is normal... I got home and started working at it at 10:30. I emailed him at 12:33. I just couldn't finish it in time... I was tired... So I slept in until like 12:30. xP

It was really cool. I had two different dreams. In both of them, me and a couple / several friends worked together to accomplish some goal. In one we were at this like giant obstacle course thing where the goal was to get to the very edge of this like four-part falling apart bridge thing, that like when you walk on it it starts bending down. I think I was too scared to do it, so JP did it... DS was also there. Then in the second dream I think we had to beat kid koopa or something..? Oh, there was also something somewhere about a projector in my room and blinds covering my windows..? I don't remember very well anymore. xP...

Today was awesome. After all the days waking up after like 5 hours of sleep, I got to sleep in. After I woke up I had "breakfast", played tennis for an hour, walked home in the sudden downpour (lol. so fun.), cleaned my desk, washed my sheets (finally...) and then watched Reborn. It was a boring filler ep. I then went to church for Worship team practice. It was awesome. We sang part of a song acapella in 4-part harmony. I Really like vocal harmonies. We also sang a bunch of songs I really like. Like, this week a chorus from some song was stuck in my head. We sang that one! Usually we just sing like 3-5 songs. This week is pentecost and so Pastor DB invited anyone who wanted to to be on team this week, so I came, and so did another 6 people(2 A/V, Bass, Drums, Guitar, Singer and Piano. Yuss full team!), we are singing like 3 sets of songs, like 3 mashups, except not mashed up, just directly into the next one and for one of them we sing the final chorus of the first song after the second song.

Awesome. xP. Then was YF. We sang one of the sets. We then brainstormed for WestFest planning. Then we went out and collected trash on the way to DQ. It was fun. xP

I was told that I was hyper. I think I was. I like being hyper. XP

so ya. See ya.

D.Fa

I was obsessed with Lollipop and my friends were all like "Lollipop 2 is better" ... I like them both now...

Trying to Move Forward

Ok. So.

There were two main events today. My brother "running away" if you can call it that. I still don't understand what happened... and "One Day Without Shoes" which was pretty intense. I think I took the idea a bit far and at the same time my feet don't hurt that much. I mean they aren't bleeding... ='( I was almost sure they would be, but I guess my feet are strong.

"Running Away"-

So. My parents left yesterday after I left for school. I get back my brother has made a bit of a mess in the kitchen / living room. He wants Wendy's for supper. I say "only if you clean up the kitchen / living room" or something. I go and come back. I had to walk, but its just a couple blocks, so whatever. When I get back, it appears clean again. It isn't really, just that the mess has been piled up in a less visible area.

So we have dinner in separate rooms. Then he goes to sleep. So the rest of the night I'm like blogging and stuff not paying attention to him. I go to sleep at like 11 and wake up at 5. I had to wake up to get him to school for the literacy test and everything. When I wake up the shower/bathroom is still a tiny bit wet. This is the only sign that he had been there at all recently. I couldn't find him anywhere. So at 6 or something I call my parents and tell them he's gone. Immediately after I get a text from my brothers ex-girlfriend "Is ___ in your house?" or soemthing.

Apparently he'd been planning for a while to run away and last night at 8 pm he said he was leaving. She didn't believe him so when he started texting her at 5:30 am she didn't know if he had actually left or not and texted me to verify. Anyways, I'm watching Bleach and eating Nuttella while stuck in the middle of this 3-way conversation between my brother's ex and me and my parents and me with information from either conversation being talked about in the other conversation.

My parents who were going to get back Saturday morning now start plannin gto get back asap, so I could no longer tell them anything because they don't have cell phones... They were using email to "text" me.

I decide to go to school to study reasoning that I'll get more studying / homework done there than at home alone.

At lunch I was sitting in the caf(etorium) with my brother's ex. She's sitting there nervously twitching and texting with all caps every minute to get my brother to text back and her friend is having a less serious problem but is also quite consumed by it. Something like her boyfriend is avoiding her friends or something because they don't like him..? My brother's ex skips last period to stay in the caf worrying.

By this point we had some responses. He had said "I'm too far away for you to come", "not in Ottawa", "I'm 3 hours away by bus and I'll be 3 hours further once you get there", and other comments, mostly useless answers that disclose no information, like "no where" as a response to "where are you?"

Eventually she tells me that he was coming back.

After Musical rehearsal (just an italian run-through with new lighting cues to test out. An Italian Run is when you go through a play really fast, so the dances and songs were really funny.. xP) I had time to go home before band. When I got home I didn't see my brother. Then suddenly I did. It appeared as though he had been there a while, two different soups, nuttella, and a jug of fruit juice had been consumed... I asked "where were you?" a few too many times in a louder voice then was necessary, and he answered "no where" and got a bit too angry. He calmed down, I had instant noodles and then I went to band.

My parents got home at about 8:45 pm. I got home at 9:45. I still don't understand what happened. He could have just hidden really well... or maybe he left and came back..?

One Day Without Shoes-

So, I will now tell the side of the story from my feet's perspective, almost.

So, I wake up at 5 am. Thinking that I have to get my brother up, etc. Then I remember I have to put out the garbage and recycling. I figure, if he's in the house, putting out the garbage isn't going to change anything, so I go to put it out.

This is when I remember the first obstacle for my bare feet. In the winter one layer of our window fell off and broke then got covered my snow and then frozen into the ice. This had only recently been dealt with and there were still bits of glass on the ground. I had known that getting out of hte house would be where I would get cut or step on broken glass, but I never thought I'd have to go over the area of broken glass repeatedly.

There were four full bins of recycling and two bags of garbage, so I had to take three trips back and forth over the glass. I had thought this would be one of the most difficult parts of my day with no shoes. It was not.

So I decide to go to school. I packed my shoes just incase I really needed them or was too weak to last all day. So I had to walk to school. Its normally around 10-15 minutes walking to school and the weather was not the best, it was scattered showers and 10 degrees or something. I learned very quickly of the choice I had to make: I could walk on the dryer, but more painful stabby asphault or the squishy, colder grass/mud. I chose the mud and kinda ran to school.

My feet were getting really cold... I thought of almost nothing other then frostbite most of the way. Stuff like "Is One Day Without Shoes so important that I lose a foot for it..?" but I'd reply "It's just One day." There are people who go day to day with no shoes, getting cuts and scrapes and infection, what is one day of that to me..?

When I get to school I go to the library becaus ehtere's carpet. xP I had to pass the principal and he said "I know we take pride in our school, but that's one thing I would never do: walk around bare foot in the school." or something.*

My feet had just thawed out when period two began.

I had been invited to hang out with the few people who would be in attendance to the vocals class. The class is mostly grade 10s so the class was cancelled. We decided to go to McDonalds.

There's a difference between asphault and sidewalk. Sidewalks are more commonly smooth. The sidewalks to McDonalds weren't bad. You know the old "no shirt, no shoes, no service" or whatever right? I knew at some point someone would deny me the right to do something because of my shoes, that's why I planned ahead and packed them in my bag. At McDonalds they didn't care. xP On the way back it was raining...

We get back, Period three begins, I go study for Biology, I have lunch in the caf, period four begins, me and his ex stand on stage as the director finishes inputting the lighting cues into the computer, I have musical rehearsal until four-ish. After that I walked home with my trombone, well, I ran on the grass again.

I get home, bring the recycling bins into the house (one trip =D) then the whole thing with my brother, I ate instant noodles then got ready to go to band. By now it was pouring...

I had planned to take the bus to band because my parents were out of town and couldn't give me a drive like normal. When I got on the bus the bus driver told me that I have to wear shoes to ride the bus. I explained that they were in my bag, but he said they have to be on my feet before I get on the bus, and so I was kicked off the bus.... This ticked me off. There wouldn't be another bus for 20 minutes and I had to be at BHS before 7pm for the rehearsal. It was 6:20 when the bus showed up.

This left me with one option. Walk. In the rain, with my trombone, and with my nonwaterproof windbreaker.

It was another "if I can imagine the whole way there it can't be that far" situation so I thought I could get there if I tried.

So, I began running down the street. I got a lot of weird looks. xP It was pouring and I was running down the road with a trombone and no shoes going through puddles and running through the "stop walking" signals. I just kept thinking "it's just ONE day."

I got there at 6:54. I apparently ran 4.3 km. When I got there I was soaked through. I walked into the band room and everyone looks at me. The teachers are all worried because my clothes are wet. My folder got "pulped" at the corner, but all the music was fine.

It was actually pretty cool that I ran all the way there, but sometimes there wasn't a grassy option and I had to run on the pavement, but its over now. Fun times.

I got a ride back, don't worry. xP

When I got home I took a shower and scrubbed my feet then came downstairs to post this blog.

So, Ya. I'm going to sleep. Bye.

*If you havn't noticed yet I'm bad at remembering word for word quotes.

Back to Square One... Again...

Okay. So...

I'm highly involved in drama and music and often I don't have time for athletics, but this being grade 12 I wanted to get onto a school team finally (I had tried out in previous years, but hadn't made it). I was going to try Volleyball, Badminton and Baseball, but only expected to have a chance in Baseball, because I had done another year of Softball and had more consistent batting. Also, I wanted to walk to school every morning (it's not that far, it's just that I always have band so i'd have to wake up earlier then I already was) this year.

In the fall I tried out for the Volleyball team and made it onto the team. The team consisted of 12 guys (only like 15 tried out, and only like 10 or 11 went to most of the try-outs). A couple weeks in I realized I had accomplished my goal but didn't really feel like I had done anything to get there...

During my time on the team I often missed Jazz Band (Most of the practices were after school and Jazz was the only after-school band rehearsal at the time...) Also, I missed practice for the Fall Production, but I felt like this was okay because my part in the play was like three lines in one scene, maybe 5 minutes on stage, probably less... The play had rehearsals everyday, but the schedule got mixed up, so I never knew which day it was that I was supposed to be there for and ended up missing most of them, and the few I did go to usually weren't my scene...

Anyways, if you didn't go to the practices you wouldn't get to play much/at all during the games which were usually once a week, sometimes twice, and I was not on the starting line-up, so I had to go to practices and get better if I wanted to play in the games. Practices were always about two hours long. During that time we'd practice serving, split the team in half and play small matches, or other things, but if you missed a serve you'd have to do 10 push-ups or 20 sit-ups, if your team lost a point you'd have to run and touch the wall before the other side served the ball again, and if your side lost (the matches were usually up to 7 points) you'd have to clean the floor with the boards (wooden boards wrapped in towels) across the width of the gym depending on the difference in points (ie if it was 7-4 you'd clean the width of the gym with the boards 3 times.) I'd usually end up doing a lot of the punishment activities... i think. I was pretty bad at cleaning the floors with the boards at first... My knees were actually bleeding... Then the coach gave me knee pads and I eventually got better at it........ The point being that by the end of the season I almost had abs. xP ...

I actually missed the last play-off game because of the feeder school tour at school where the senior concert band goes to middle schools and plays a concert for them. Also, if they had won I would have had to choose between the play or going to OFSAA... they were both on the same group of days, but OFSAA was in Stratford, so I wouldn't have been able to do both... I don't know why, but I felt like the play was more important, even though I barely went to rehearsals.... I kinda felt guilty about that...

This was one of those events that made me realize that being in Music, Athletics and Drama is nearly impossible...

When I got my mid-term report card it showed that I had been absent to Jazz Band a number of times. I thought that if I went to band then told my director that I was going to practice I wouldn't be marked absent because I did show up, but apparently not... After that I didn't care about attendence, becasue there was no way I was fighting with my director about that and with more then like 1.5 absences you can't even get one of the "Good" Attendence awards... Before this report card I would always rush to class to avoid being late, but I just didn't care anymore (although I actually still havn't gone to the office for a late slip in a really long time... I actually don't remember when the last one was....)

In the end:

• Volleyball was a lot of fun. You feel really good after a practice. Although I didn't really accomplish much (I did get to play some of the time and that time was really awesome, except for that one time the ball smashed into my face and messed up my glasses... lol) my time playing with the team was pretty awesome. (The company that made our shirts messed up my name though. My last name is kinda long, so I thought I would put my first name then my last initials "D F-A" my shirt said "D-Fa"...) ... I kinda don't talk to my teammates anymore because I never see them... kinda sad...
• I stopped missing Band and realized it was more fun then I thought it was. Dixie ended up being reformed and I joined Vocal Jazz.
• The play went pretty well... xP I messed up my lines one day and the audiences were kinda small, but it was fun. I feel like I didn't spend as much time with the cast as I should have... except for that one day when we had an in-character game of freeze to develop our characters and I ended up being a murderous nurse..? Lol. VB (This is how I will be censoring the names of people I know) actually screamed. That day was pretty great. I still see most of the cast because of the musical, so everything is okay. Cast notes were kinda sketchy and last minute...

Wow this is longer then I expected it to be... I haven't even gotten to the point I wanted to make...

After Volleyball, my next goal was badminton. I kinda missed it... Badminton is a Winter sport and I never really heard the announcements and all the practices were in the mornings (I have band every morning....) So... ya. I never tried out and would have had to miss band a lot...... (All of the morning rehearsals are for credit bands, so missing them would lower my average and band really raises my average. xP) Also, by here I was missing so much sleep that I could not wake up that early every morning and so I ended up getting driven almost all the time until it snowed then it was all the time...

During that time I kinda didn't do much / any athletics because I don't like skating (13 sprained wrists. Don't ask.) so winter sports are kind of a no go... At New Years I thought I would start excersising, like push-ups and sit-ups everyday increasing number everyday until the end of the month then about half as much then increase twice as much, for the whole year. XP .... I made it until like late January when I would start missing a day or two, but catch up. By mid-February, I was missing 2-3 days at a time, until it just stopped....

So. A couple weeks ago I hear on the announcements that Baseball tryouts are starting in a week and that there's a meeting at lunch somewhere. When I heard this I was like "Oh no... I'm not ready." and like I started planning to run in the mornings before breakfast or something. I began walking to school again since the snow was all gone (let's see how long this lasts. xP).

So last week I went for a run one night. I ran to Fisher and around and back. My legs hurt.... and this was only like a couple days before the first try-out... not a great idea.. xP

The try-out went okay. Rehearsal was almost cancelled (Jewish Holiday), so I didn't miss anything. Only like 14 guys were there. Not many outstanding players, maybe six or seven. The coach told me how to swing and it worked, so this should be good. It shows that I'm coachable and can improve. There was no running.. xP kinda ironic.

So ya. I've run twice(?) more since then. Once just around the track at my old middle school for a while at night and this morning at 6:30. I ran past school and the park in light rain. When I returned home I google mapped it to see how far I had ran. It was Four kilometers. I was kinda really happy about it. It was probably the furthest and longest I have run continually since Gym class last year*****. Also, my legs don't hurt. xP And I actually ran it non-stop while listening to my ipod blast my new music* **. (I need new ear buds... ones that stay in while I run...) Maybe running in the morning is better... that's what I had heard. I don't remember why though...

I have also played tennis with my brother at the park a few times this weekend. Only one net was up, but no one else was there, or at least no one else that could open the lock. xP ... We were walking to the park, no one on the courts.. We are like 50 meters away and a car drives up to the courts and a couple guys get out.. My brother is being pessimistic.. We get closer and they say that it's locked.. Immediatly my brother is much happier.. The day before we didn't lock it and I hadn't noticed a lock, so I thought it was a new lock for the year.. It was the old lock and just as they drive away we open it. xP

We only had three tennis balls*** and my racket is kinda falling apart... It's been falling apart for a while. I taped it up using a lot of electrical tape, but I will need a new racket before I start my summer job ****. It was fun. Normally my brother blows up with rage if we are playing for real, so I don't mind only rallying sometimes.

Anyway, the next baseball try-out is this Friday. Let's hope it goes a better then the last one, but whatever ends up happening is for the best... I mean the play is at the end of the month and I will probably not get to miss many rehearsals....

I hope my posts get shorter, because this took a long time to write.... and read probably... >.> And,I kinda have homework to do... xP

D.Fa

*fine I will use foot notes...

** I recently bought three CDs. This will most likely be in another post soon.

*** two of which are practice balls that only bounce about half as high as they should and so they are kinda annoying, but for the first day of tennis in about 7 months its probably better that way... xP

**** I will probably complain about / talk about my jobs in another post.

***** Last year I ran for half an hour non-stop on a treadmill at the Y the day before the beep test... Not smart. I only got like a 7.8 so I took it again on the make-up day and got like 8.5. I learned you should not run a marathon the day before a race, or something like that. But I have not put that into practice so far... probably procrastination.... xP especially if you relate it to doing projects the day before they are due...