Thinking It Through: Introduction (0 of 15)

Hey there. :P

It's been a bit. It'll be 3 months with SH soon, which honestly blows my mind. I've had a month off work in September (slightly sick for 2 weeks, vacation for 2 weeks), we celebrated SH's birthday and a couple of the people in his friend group, I'm feeling more comfortable about how crazy work is and might be changing teams soon(?), but I'm also here and haven't deeply thought through how my relationship does or doesn't work which I kinda expected I'd have at least started by now. Obviously random thoughts and verses have been ruminating, but I have not been actively or directly addressing concerns. I was starting to feel guilty about it, like I'm kinda holding SH in limbo not knowing if I'm fully committed to our relationship because I did tell him I'd need to think it through. And he's cried a bit, but he's happy I'm being honest and wants me to think it through. But more recently he said I need to start. So, that's what I'm gonna do.

Conveniently(?), one of my friends wrote out a 7 page letter with 15 important things that needed to be said concerning my relationship / pursuit of relationship with another guy. He wrote this back on September 6th. When I got it in the mail I skimmed the headings, but otherwise I have not read the letter. So, it's definitely a place to start.

I have talked to many people generally about the relationship / the Biblical side of it and where I was at. But like those were all pretty brief or shallow? In any case, I feel like I still currently am thinking what I was before, but feel better about who I am, but haven't really thought it through fully. I have thought about talking to someone more affirmative and basically arguing against them cause I kinda feel like I don't really have any arguments strongly in favour of my relationship. Like, I have weak or subjective ones, but like, everything I'd been taught and studied before is still in my head providing some like logical answers against some of the questions I'm asking? idk if that makes sense. 

I'm gonna read over the next paragraph before writing my thoughts so I have more time to ponder and think and pray perhaps.

Next Time on Thinking It Through: The Law and the Gospel speak directly to you.

Ttyl. :P

D.Fa

Next Chapter

Hey.

It's been a minute, eh? I've got a lot of stuff to say, and not a lot of brain power at the moment, but suffice to say that I'm gonna try to be here more regularly this season. I'll get into more details and things over the weeks maybe. I don't feel like getting into it all right now. But man. My self-image is vastly different than it was the last time I regularly wrote here.

This month I'm perhaps making the biggest changes to my life that I've made in a while. And I feel like that's saying a lot.

I feel like I've been asking the question "who am I?" and "what do I want?" for 2 years, if not more, and right now I'm so at the end of my understanding that I just need to change it all and think. 

I feel like that's why I've come back here. 

I feel like it'll be a good place to think. a good place to vent? to vocalize? to give space to think?

So much of my life the last year has been escapism. Tuning out not only the world, but the inner world too. The outside world has been on fire and I think we're almost getting back to semi-normalcy as things finally start to smolder down to the coals and become useful as a consistent heat source to make something new. the inner world that has been on fire might be getting to a similar place, but with no one working to figure out what to make of it. 

And maybe what I need is some time to think and reflect and to grow.

Over the years I've heard and offered that people should journal. It can be therapeutic. It can be healing. It can help in so many ways. I don't want to physically journal. I don't want to waste a notebook. :P I don't want something that years down the road will just be lost and forgotten. I wanted a place that I could look back and see who I was and who I became and Who helped me along the way. I think that's why I'm back too. To write down the next chapter and reflect on the last one, which hadn't been written down. When I write here I feel like there's a certain amount of censoring that I need to do, a certain amount of writing in euphemism, a certain amount of putting extra thought behind my words to communicate more than I normally do, but while maintaining a level of uncommunication that I prefer. I want to write vulnerably, and really get out what I need to get out. I want to write professionally. I want in some way for it to be useful, should someone find it. And previously that had been very important to me. But this season, I think I just need to write for me. 

So, welcome to the next chapter. Welcome, myself, to the next chapter. May it be a good one for us. And anyone else who joins us along the way, strap yourself in. It might get bumpy, and deep, and messy along the way. ;P

Ttyl.

D.Fa

P.S. I've got pet mice right now, and they are adorable, and should be preserved for future remembrance as well. :P Cam and Adi, who I'll probably explain at some point. 

P.P.S. They currently hate each other. But they're still cute individually.