I'm weak.

Yo, it's something that has really been on my mind for a while now. I am fed up with my pride and how I portray myself to others.

I put on this image of strength and confidence sometimes. I don't ask for help from others, I will struggle through it to the end, except sometimes I do ask for help from others, except it will often only be people that I think should know less than me, someone to just jump off of with my own thinking.

I don't like to admit it when I don't know something.

I don't like to be the one in the position of weakness.

I don't like to accept food when it is offered to me.

I don't like asking for things from others when I think that I can get it myself.

I wish that I were stronger, that everything that I do would be enough, that I was perfect, that I was great.

But the truth is I am weak. I am very weak.

Yesterday I was so tired that I fell asleep accidentally. I didn't time manage properly and didn't study enough on the weekend for my midterm yesterday morning, so instead of breakfast I crammed and biked to school. Instead of lunch, I crammed for my other midterm. I tried working hard on my biochem lab, but really I didn't want to and didn't end up doing much both because I was tired and hungry. I reluctantly accepted the meal that JXW's mother had made that she didn't want. Mmmmm goat/lamb. I didn't even thank her... I was thinking about how I could for so long that I guess I thought I did... Then I was at school just dead tired until like 8pm. I went home by bus since it was raining. Then I cooked dinner.

Before starting to work on my biochem lab I went downstairs to close my eyes for a minute. I woke up at 1:30... I went to the bathroom and I'm not entirely sure what happened, but the next minute I opened my eyes and I was in the bathtub... Assumably I fell over. I just don't remember anything between standing and the bathtub. My head didn't hit anything and my back doesn't really hurt and nothing moved that was in the bathtub or on the sides, so I don't know what happened... >.<

I went back to sleep and slept in...

So, today I ate breakfast and packed the leftovers from last night. I walked to school because I was late for something, but the other guy forgot too, so no problem...

I felt really bad about how I've been mistreating my body. Not eating, not sleeping, not even doing work efficiently... I can't keep this pace up on my own. Only three weeks left. I need to do my best and at the same time find a balance in life. Not just doing school work. Not just doing C4C things. Not just wasting time. I need to rely and trust in His plans and live up to them.

Gah. His love for us is so amazing and his strength is so great. I don't want to pretend to be someone else, but live in the reality of the matter. In my weakness God's greatness is made complete. He is the one who gives us strength and power to do more than we can imagine or comprehend. Living in this present-tense perspective is also not a good idea. He gives us the eternal life and ability to know him.

I want to be strong, but I don't want to pretend any longer that I'm not weak.

Ya.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

I Wish I Could Always Stay Here.

So. I want this to be quick so I can cram for my Bio midterm. I may be getting into a longish post however. xPP >.>

So, I stumbled upon (no not actually.) this song when I was trying to get a set list for worship one week and I really liked it, but I didn't think it should be in the set list. So I wrote down in a blog post draft titled "Note to Self" that I should blog about this eventually.

Can I Stay Here Forever by Starfield. The lyrics are as follows:

Through forgotten convictions
Misplaced affections
I'm losing the sound of Your voice
I've been chasing after emptiness
Trying to tidy up this mess
I swear I've been down this road before
I want to get back to where it all began
When I would long for only You

Like a child I'll take You at Your word
As these mountains of doubt, they fade away
I'm longing to trust and love You more
So for me this is beautiful
A brand new thought, and a brand new world
Can I stay here forever here with You?

I've lost sight of what first drew me
To the love that pursued me
The joy that inspired my song
The friendship that was all I knew
The arms that I would fall into
Seem miles and years from where I am today
I gotta get back to where it all began
When I would wait for only You

Can I stay here forever
Here with you?
Surrounded by Your mercy
Clothed in Your truth
Always, I'll stay
Always here with You

Can I be here forever
Here with You?
Can I know what it's like
To deeply love You?
Always, Lord, let me stay
Always, here with You



Also, we are playing this song for worship during Getaway and I really like singing it. Rediscover You by Starfield. Lyrics:

I need to just admit
my faith is paper thin
I'm feeling so burned out
On religion

I say an empty prayer
I sing a tired song
I need to just admit that the passion's gone

And I want to get it back

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I'm here
Like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move
Help me rediscover You

I want to learn to pray
The way that David prayed
I want my soul to burn when I hear Your name
I want to feel like new
I want to hunger for you
Bring me back to life like only You can do
Cause I don't want to stay the same

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I'm here
Like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move
Help me rediscover You

Lord, I want to be Yours today
I want to know the passion of the saints
And how they were changed

You told me
Look for You and I will find
So I'm here
Like I'm searching for the first time
Revive me, Jesus
Make this cold heart start to move

I want to burn for You
Bring me back to life, Jesus
Help me rediscover You



Both songs express how they were passionate for Jesus and just living for God. In the first song, they ended up being drawn away by other things and started losing touch with God. In the second song, it became so much about the traditions, practices and keeping up their appearance while no longer actually connecting with God.

1. How did they ever come to know God?

"I've lost sight of what first drew me, to the love that pursued me." God loves you. God loves every person He has created. He has made each of us with a unique purpose and He loves each of us and wants us to be in a loving relationship with Him.

2. Why did they ever leave this relationship if they had come into relationship with Him?

Everyone has fallen short of the glory of God. The original reason and most of the reasons since then is that we get so focused on ourselves and satisfying our own desires by our own means that we lose sight of the fact that God provides for us and instead go our own way. The thing is, God created us with free will. This is amazing. He could have forced us to follow Him, but if we so desire, he will let us do as we wish. However, disobeying Him and seeking to fulfill our desires separates us from Him. "I've been chasing after emptiness / Trying to tidy up this mess" Things like lusting over women, or seeking to be popular to try and substitute for the hole where God was in our hearts doesn't work. We were built to have Him in our lives.

3. Can we get back to a relationship with God on our own?

The answer is no. Nothing we can do can reconnect us. There are a few main ways that people try to get back to God by becoming 'more holy' in various ways, such as doing good works, religion or philosophies. As it says in the second song he confesses about how empty religion is "I'm feeling so burned out on religion, I say an empty prayer, I sing a tired song" but it's not the same, it's not a real relationship with God.

4. So how do we get back into a relationship with God?

In the songs they sing of getting back to where they were or rediscovering Him, so it must be possible. The answer is in God's love for us. While we were still going our own way separated by our own decision, God took it on Himself to come to us and even then He was rejected. God gave His only son on the cross so that we can have a relationship with Him. The effect of going our own way, the payment for that is death. Only through Jesus' death have our past actions been erased so that we can enter a relationship with God again if we so desire.

5. Jesus died, so I'm good now, right?

Well, yes and no. Yes, He did die, but you can't just know this and then BAM! without doing anything your life is fine. Jesus also came back to life and that has to be reflected in what we do as well. We were dead in our sins, but alive in Jesus. We can't continue living separated from God, that's what got us where we were. You have to put your trust in the fact that He did this for you and ask Him to be a part of your life. This isn't a one time thing. Every Christian ends up going back to the way they were at some point. It's a challenge sometimes, why else would there be so many songs about it? But the thing is, when you turn away again, you turn right back and continue to trust God for what He does in your life.

6. So, how do I ask Jesus to come into my life, and what does that mean?

The way we talk to God is in prayer. But just praying without your heart in it means nothing. The words don't matter as long as you truly mean them. The amazing thing is that God always listens to us when we pray to Him. The following is a sample prayer that you can pray, but you can say whatever you think you need to.

Part two of the question: What it means is that Jesus will be in your life and with you always. You will be filled with the Holy Spirit and will be able to live an empowered life to live the way God intended.

Sample Prayer:
Lord Jesus, I want to know you personally. I'm sorry for going my own way and trying to find my own path. Thank you for dying on the cross for my sins. I open the door to my life and ask you to be my Saviour and Lord. Thank you for forgiving me of my sins and giving me eternal life. Take control of my life. Make me the kind of person you want me to be. Amen.

7. Now what?

Now you are filled with the Holy Spirit and are in a relationship with Jesus. All your past sins have been forgiven and you have just started a long journey. "As these mountains of doubt, they fade away, I'm longing to trust and love You more". There will be times when you doubt, but if you truly seek, you will find God's truth and love for you wipe away the doubts. There's always room to grow closer to God, it's not an instant process. I still have a long way to go. The best way to start growing in your relationship is by exploring God's word, the Bible, and see what He has done for you. I advise starting in the book of John. You should also pray regularly. No relationship grows if only one person is doing the talking. You should also get to know some other people who trust in God by joining a Bible study or going to a church.

Also, if you have just accepted Christ into your life, please message me. =D I'm super excited about this. Leave a comment, or you can email me: dylan.dfa@gmail.com

Ya. xP I hope you come to know God more closely and I will try to help answer any questions or help you in any way I can.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. There is a lot more I could tell you about God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit.

PPS. Starfield is pretty cool.

Scariest Bus Ride Ever.

So, I was going to post earlier from my phone something along the lines of the following:

Subject:

I just had the scariest bus ride ever. For the past 30 minutes I'd been freaking myself out thinking I had lost my cell phone on a bus on the way to church... I thought I had checked my cell phone right before getting on the 86 but didn't have it when I got to church... I was thinking what I would have to do to get it back. I'd have to go all the way downtown to some random lost and found building where they would be holding my phone captive. I would then have to prove that it is mine by telling them the exact seat and route number and time that I was on the bus containing my phone and I'd have to recite contacts and / or by describe how the photos are all slanted or the fact that there is a micro SD with 2GB of memory. Then I thought... dang.. my photos... my SD card.... my contact list!!! RH! I just got his number yesterday and I hadn't talked to him in half a year....... and all the other people's numbers I'd have to creep again... And all the people I can talk to at anytime because of it... and all the sharing I can do with it... I can't believe I rely sooooo much on my phone.

I then realized I had left a glove on the 95 going to fallowfield... whatever I'll get it when I get my phone.............

When I got home I looked in all the usual places. It was on my bed under the shirt I wore last night... >.> annoying. but so lucky. xP I realize I hadn't actually had my phone earlier that morning I just knew what time I left the house and added a few minutes to determine about what time it was.

Ya. That's about all I would have texted... actually about twice as much because of the lame 1000 character limit. xP In any case I have my phone now.

Ya. I had church, then work at 2. I don't know why exactly but Pastor DB gave me his Japanese New King James New Testament. So cool! And now I have 5 bibles (meaning 5 books which are either bibles or new testaments, not including the 2 real life kit ones) in my bag! And actually, I have 4 translations (meaning ESV, NIV, NKJ and whatever the Gideon's one is ... not languages) of the new testament in my bag! xP This makes me happy. I was reading (more like attempting to) a bit of it and Jesus Christ = イエス　キリスト　＝ iesu kirisuto. A bunch of other names that are clearly not Japanese are also slightly different.

So, ya. I'm gonna attempt to do some homework now. xP I have work tommorow morning... >.>

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. did I mention that CW got me two Paramore CDs for my birthday..?!? What?!? He didn't need to do that.

5 or 150..?

Hey, whatsup..?

I seem to be making friends everyday. xP Today I talked with MJ(TG's friend. TG was my BIOL Lab partner last semester and I only really started hanging out with her last week. xP) for a while before BIOL. Also, since DK is in existance this semester, we've been hanging out more. We have BIOL and CHEM together so we hang out in those classes as well as DG and other stuff. We went to the Integrated Sciences room and apparently there is free printing there (not free paper, but free ink... for integrated science students) so he printed off like lecture slides and his bio lab manual. The computer he was using however did not like firefox and would not work until he used internet explorer. xP Wasted like 15 minutes because of that.

In any case... My day has barely begun. I just watched 90 minutes of CHEM lectures / tutorials. I am now only 2 hours behind... >.> well... I can't really go to class until I catch up. So I watched Friday's class during todays. I still have FILM at 7.

I have a lot of time. Time to go evangelising, well, sharing. Sharing =/= evangelising. Sharing is much more personal. Much more friendly and less focused on shoving the gospel down someone's throat. People are not just numbers to be moved from the 'non-christian' column to the 'Christian' column and then ignored. People are shared with because they don't know about God and His love for them and how He has paid the price so that you can come into a relationship with Him even with your shortcomings and past failures. God loves you, but just telling that to everyone in 5 seconds or less each and then never seeing you again would not mean anything. You don't just ask Jesus into your life then go back to the way you were living. It is a constant day by day process of relying on God and growing in your relationship.

I set this inane goal of talking to 10 people. I then thought... 10 is so little. that is not even a good goal. then I thought... what if I end up in like 5 conversations that last like an hour each. That would be waaaaay better than talking to 150 people in 5 hours. So, whatever happens it will be for Him.

I have this thought that I will just walk up to EVERYONE smiling and happy go lucky completely hiding what I am feeling during the intro then we can actually talk. Who cares if I look insane for a few moments. xP

Ya.

There's nothing to lose.

Ikou!

D.Fa

Another Shot at 'Evangelerving'...

So.

I am kinda in a crummy mood again. When you spend 3 hours walking around, looking at people, talking to people you do know only as a distraction and you even have them all praying for you and then you say hi to one guy who is willing to talk if his group members don't show up and then one of them does, when you are trying so hard to find excuses for why you aren't sharing that you even spend 5$ on vitamin enhanced fruit juice... You feel kinda crummy...

I have to put an end to this.
I've got to just do it.
I've got to get over this stupid inability to meet people in unawkward ways.
I've got to live the rest of my life more intentionally.

Scratch that.

I've just got to rely on Him more and more and just forget about what I have to do.

Tommorow will be better. I have 5 hours between class. With God's help I want to talk to at least 10 people. In 5 hours this should not be a very difficult goal.

Ya...

I hate when I do this.

D.Fa

Mood Swings

Ok.

I feel pretty crummy right now.

I didn't really talk to my bio lab partner.
I didn't end up sharing today for various reasons*.
I wasted so much time.
I didn't write much of a testimony.
I don't really know my friends.
I have deffinately been relying on my own strength all day...
I havn't really prayed today.

...

I just don't feel good.

As a side note Paramore is my band of the day... xP







Ya.

I need to remember all the stuff that God has revealed to me. That He is good. That He loves me. That He saved me. That if I was on my own I would fail, like I do, but with Him we can do anything.

I wish I had an amazing testimony, but I don't really remember things very long. xP I don't remember who I was. I only remember who I am, in Christ, and who I will be when I am transformed even more into the image of Christ.

Also, Starfield is pretty good. xP



xPP...... Getaway!

D.Fa

*'reasons' which should be able to be overcome.

New Year's Resolutions

Hey, So, I have recently been thinking about new year's resolutions.

New Year's resolutions generally end up being self-imposed restrictions that will 'make you a better person' or some goal which you hope to achieve but end up forgetting or some other trivial matter, maybe a joke..? I don't know, but the point is: New Year's Resolutions often fail and epically at that.

I had blogged 3 resolutions. They all related to me having better relationships with the people around me. I have now failed basically all of them. The third one is a semi-fail. It isn't as consistent as I had wanted it to be, but it's back on schedule now..?

In any case the point I was going to make is a point that was made in a seminar during winter conference. "Colossians 2:20-23 Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!"? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence." These rules that we have made for ourselves are bound to fall apart. Especially because often we will try by our own strength to live up to them. They often have nothing to do with what God wants for us, but just what we want for ourselves (read: selfish). God has a plan for us. Whether we follow it or not is our choice. It is the main choice between following God and going your own way. Basically that is the big problem; sin is doing things your own way, choosing to disobey God and go your own way.

So, ya. Resolutions are good, however, when they are in line with God's plan and you are praying about them and desiring to fulfill them. Although they must not be idols. So, ya. The main good I see in this is a motivation, a goal, something that you can in a much shorter term view fulfill and accomplish. Why should real goals only be made at the beginning of things..? At the beginning of the year, at the beginning of a semester, at the beginning of a new job, etc. You should make real goals throughout your life. xP

I have not made many goals, but when I have a goal I will pursue it to the end.

On Wednesday I failed at going sharing. I procrastinated by msning, starting my project application, trying to do some other things... In any case I finally went at 5:15 to go sharing. First, I ran into DS and MB and we had a very odd conversation. xP When they left, I went around the school looking for the standard 'random evangelism targets.' Those bored looking, lonely people sitting with nothing to do. I failed to find anyone to such a degree as that. You see, I didn't have that terrible feeling of fear that paralyzes and cripples me from approaching anyone, but I now had such high standards that I couldn't even approach anyone because they did not fulfill my new 'litmus test' for sharing.

You see... The way I saw it was that if anyone was:
-reading a book
-listening to their ipod or w/e with earbuds
-looking at their laptop
-sitting with other people
-not white or asian

I would pass them by much more easily. Ya. I know. That is a terrible list of 'excuses' that are so shallow and meaningless that they really should not be a problem. If they are reading, it is probably not that important (I mean I'm never in the library, so it mustn't really matter.). If they have earbuds in, it's probably some mundane music on an ipod. If they are on their laptop, it could be facebook, blogs, it could be a number of unproductive things. If they are sitting with other people, that means that if I share with them it is like sharing twice, but only actually once. The last one is a terrible excuse, but slightly true... I apologize that it is on that list, but I feel like I can relate more with those people, but it is no excuse. Everyone needs to know Jesus. The only way to know if they are too busy to have a conversation is if I ask them.

I have honestly walked around for two hours only having approached 2 people because 1. I felt so scared and 2. because they weren't free enough to talk to me, in my mind. On top of the fact that I wasted 2 hours the people would be too busy to talk, so I actually wouldn't have accomplished anything in those two hours. Now, of those two main excuses number 1 has been broken by Winter Conference and number 2 is just all me, I didn't actually know if they were busy or not.

So. The point of me telling you all this is that I am looking to go sharing practically daily rather than weekly and these are some barriers that I have put up that should not even exist. ,', I shall tear them down. That was a 'therefore' sign by the way. With the help of God, I will tear them down.

So. From now on I shall approach those people that I 'feel' are too busy to share with.

Monday: I shall approach those who are reading a book. Clearly what they are reading is less important than if they were reading the Bible.

Tuesday: I shall approach those with earbuds / headphones. Mark 4:9 "He who has ears to hear, let him hear" Instead of listening to music that probably doesn't have a good message, they should hear the truth.

Wednesday: I shall approach people in a group of two. What good is it to spread the message to only one person..? You will never fulfill the great commission that way. All need to learn the truth that there is a loving God. Paul preached to thousands and thousands came to Christ. You can't get thousands to come to Christ if you only preach to one person at a time.

Thursday: I will approach people on their lap tops / notebooks. Laptops and Notebooks can be used not only as a study tool, but also as a tool for procrastinating and leisure and wasting time. Entropy says that there are far more ways to waste time than to be productive. By this logic it is likely that people on a laptop are wasting their time. Possibly playing flash games or facebook or whatever. Only your relationship with God matters in the end.

Friday: I will approach all types of people. Matthew 28:19 "... go and make disciples of all nations..." We have been told to go and bring the gospel to all ends of the earth, to all people.

In all cases I must rely on the Spirit though. It will never be my words that convince someone that God exists, but it will be God himself working in their hearts that will bring them back to Him and His loving arms.

Ya... xP Super long post. Deal with it. xP

D.Fa