Thinking It Through: God's Kindness Leads to Repentance (Part 15 of 15)

Yo,

Last part. I'm gonna write out a final recap sort of response later.

"15. The kindness and patience of God should lead us to repent: If we are practicing sin as unbelievers, we are living on borrowed time. If it were not for God's intervening patience and kindness, we would immediately be swept up in God's judgement. Paul explains that God's patience and kindness leads to repentance: God is giving unbelievers the opportunity to repent (Romans 2:4).

     You have mentioned that you are now more inclined to worship and pray to God now that you are experiencing this worldly pleasure during this intervening grace period. However, this new inclination misses the point and may turn God's grace on it's head. If you experience bouts of worldly pleasure and happiness during this grace period, the appropriate response is not to praise and worship Him for that worldly happiness while continuing in sin. In that instance, you are not actually expressing thankfulness for God's common grace. On the contrary, this is contempt for God's grace. Continuing in sin is a perversion of what the grace is intended for: You are using God's intervening grace to store up greater wrath for yourself by continuing in your sin (Romans 2:5). By contrast, the one who thinks highly of God's common grace, uses it to repent and turn from their sin. If God grants repentance; praise, prayers and thanksgiving are truly appropriate. I pray that you will think highly of God's grace and repent."

God is not slow as some believe, but is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish (2 Pet 3:9). Indeed. That overwhelming kindness is one of, if not the largest reason that I had come to faith in the first place. Not only had God made a way for me to be forgiven and to know Him, but He did so while we were His enemies, while we were still in our sin. God saw all that I was and still loved me. While I started implementing regime and structure to make myself better, God said "I've already loved and forgiven you". His grace is overwhelming.

I had mentioned that my soul had felt like it was doing better. Like the weight of silence and emptiness had been lifted. Years of shame and hiding had been removed. I felt so thankful that there is room in grace to make mistakes (if that's what they are). I don't have to be constantly worried and overcome with existential dread at making the wrong choices, and instead never making any choices. I had been firmly stuck in place for fear of making the wrong choices. The freedom to make a choice and adjust afterwards meant I was moving again. Grace leads to repentance yes, but grace also should lead to life and motion and praise and worship. Grace shouldn't lead to stagnation. And I'm not saying it was God's fault for that, but in any case, now that I'm up and moving again I can start to figure out my life again. Everything I have is His. I want to use it wisely. I want to do with it what I can to help others and lead a meaningful life. Living life is something I haven't been doing for the past few years. I've been existing and escaping existence. That's not living. I've been paying the bills and planning so I can afford the next one. There hasn't been anything to look forward to; nothing to hope for; nothing exciting to prepare for. I'd gotten so stuck in where I was and so broken down and hopeless that I wasn't living anymore. And I'm alive again now. If what I'm doing is wrong, I will need to adjust. If what I'm doing just needs minor adjustments, all the better. If what I'm doing is good, most excellent then. But in any of those situations I am happy and glad that I am moving again, that I am looking forward to things, that I've got life back in me that wants things and wants to figure things out even if I'm a bit lazy sometimes and maybe am a bit slower at addressing things than some other people would prefer. I went from overwhelming resentment and guilt at the thought of hypocritical worship, to freedom to praise God and seek Him again genuinely. That's a good thing. I prayed for something to happen to bring me more motivation to love and praise God again, and in the end this is what shook me out of stagnation. 

I look forward to what is to come. I hope and pray that as I figure this out with more details my heart is softened enough to repent and seek His help in all areas of my life. I hope and pray for more days ahead where we can do good things together than help others. I hope and pray that I draw near to God and He to me. I never knew the future, but I'm back to feeling positive about it, and I'm not worried right now.

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: Actions Should Follow Theology not Emotions (Part 14 of 15)

Yo,

"14. It is backwards and dangerous to search for theology after deciding on a course of action: You have decided upon a course of action for the immediate future: you will be dating another guy. From what I understand, your own emotions and desires are driving your decisions. You're open to the idea that your previous convictions are mistaken, yet you have not settled on a methodology for confirming or correcting your theology. There are several problems with this approach:

     First, since the Bible is sufficient and authoritative, then the study of it should be directing your course of action. However, in this case, you have chosen to do what you said you know or have believed (and still believe?) is contrary to Scripture. This reverses the proper roles and perhaps reveals a lack of commitment to the authority of Scripture. If you were committed to the authority of Scripture and you genuinely believed that there is ambiguity about what Scripture teaches, the outcome would be different: you would have erred on the side of caution. This would have meant postponing a course of action until you have studied the Scriptures and received Biblical counsel. How committed are you to the authority of Scripture? Do you believe that there is ambiguity about what it teaches or how it applies in your circumstances?

     Second, if your emotions/heart are driving your decisions, there is a serious danger that you will use your study of Scripture to justify your decisions. On the one hand, it is good to examine our beliefs and actions against Scripture. But, if we are instead committed to the authority of our own emotions and thoughts, we risk distorting the Scriptures to fit our predispositions and agendas. Paul spoke of Churches that would accumulate teachers who would simply tickle their ears: "For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires, and will turn their ears away from the truth and will turn aside to myths" (2 Timothy 4:3-4). These teachers would not simply shrink back from teaching the whole counsel of God, but twisted it to teach what people wanted to hear -- i.e. what would accommodate their desires. How are you guarding against this danger?"

Honestly, at the very beginning of this, I don't even know if I was willing to think that my convictions may have been mistaken. It was more just that it wasn't working and something needed to change. I do think I'm open to the idea that they may have been mistaken now. "It wasn't working" kinda says something was mistaken, either me or the convictions? All I did was postpone action and that got me nowhere. So I jumped in. I probably should have been a bit more methodical. I should have. Jumping in was a little rash. Some people have gotten hurt that I could have avoided by spending more time in research and study first. Perhaps because research and study and logic and stoicism and repression is what got me to where I am now I reacted so suddenly and impulsively and emotionally as a means of finding a different way forward.

Do I believe that the Bible is the ultimate authority? I think God -- creator of all things, sovereign of eternal destiny, sustainer of all things, just and the one who justifies -- should be the ultimate authority, and His word -- as unchanging as He is -- should be taken with just as much seriousness. I'm doing what I can to get back into regular Bible reading and prayer about it. I still want to uphold God and His word. I want good solid teaching. But like none of it matters unless I have a good relationship with God ya? God's gotta be saviour, then Lord, ya? It's kinda like I'm starting over again, trying to realign myself with who God is and what it means for all aspects of me. But I need to know Him more closely again first.

Do I want this to work? Ya. I feel so much more happy and alive than before. Do I understand that God calls everyone to turn away from sins that they cherish and turn to Him with everything they have? Ya. Do I understand that God leads us through difficult times in valleys to get to better pastures? Ya. If they hated Jesus, they will hate His followers. I don't want to just hear things that justify decisions I make. I want to be challenged, I want to grow, I want to be real, I want to be able to stand behind what I believe with passion and conviction. I need to hear both sides of the argument and seek solid research. I very much appreciate that I have a number of people I can talk to about whatever as I figure this all out. But yes, I have made a decision, whether it was fully intentional or not at the time. I am going to be dating a guy. :)

Ttyl.

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: We Either Obey or Suppress the Truth (Part 13 of 15)

Yo,

Here's the short one I knew was coming. :P

"13. We either obey the truth or suppress it: There is no neutral ground where one can say: "I have made my decision, but I still haven't had the time yet to really think about how I will figure things out." This seems like code for "I am suppressing the truth in my unrighteousness, so that I will do what my heart desires" (cf. Romans 1:18). One either obeys the truth or suppresses it in unbelief by disobeying God's word."

So, here's the thing, and I think at this point I've said it like 10 times. The path I was on before wasn't working. What I knew and thought was that any same sex thought or action needed to be deleted, removed, quashed, eliminated. May I become less, and You become more. "Would you please delete those images I've seen from my memories and forgive me for seeing them in the first place." "Help me to not think about this person or that person that way." "Help me to be so satisfied with joy and love in You that I don't even need to think about those things." But I never got the answer I needed. I tried for a long time simply avoiding and ignoring and destroying any option to pursue same sex activity. Simply avoiding negative things almost always led to replacing them with other negative things. After a while I realized that it's much better to replace negative things with the positive alternative. But what is that here? I needed to be satisfied in God if I was to avoid seeking satisfaction in others. But still that didn't get anywhere. 

So here I am now. I don't have all the answers. But I know I'm much happier. I'm much more free to figure it out. I've been listening to a couple things, and like, I don't know what I think about all of them, but multiple times now the argument is raised that the way the church has gone about dealing with same sex activity has just led to so many people taking their lives or living in severe depression. If the interpretation of God's word leads to death and pain and suffering for so many so consistently then there must be a better way, or like, there must be a way to better address the situation. Or something like that. I don't know what I think about that argument. Something about the fragrance of the gospel bringing life to those who are saved and death to those who aren't maybe (2 Cor 2:15-16)? Still seems like something is broken and needs fixing. So I'm looking to see if there's a solution.

One thing I read the other day though really hit me. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Prov 3:5-6. If we trust in God first and foremost, He will lead us into truth and righteousness. That's what I need to do as I figure this out: not lean on everything I know, but lean into the Lord and follow His leading. I started this whole thing back in June and was incredibly thankful that I could figure it out, that there's grace to make mistakes, or to feel pain and suffering as I sought to fully understand what I need to do. May I be guided into the truth all the more, may the Spirit lead me, may my steps be directed and established by God. I do not want to suppress the truth, I want to figure it out. Something wasn't working. If it can, I want to know how.

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: No Perseverance, No Assurance (Part 12 of 15)

Yo,

Number 2 today. let's go. :P

"12. There is not a sliver of valid assurance of salvation for those who do not persevere in the faith: In the Bible, assurance of salvation is evidenced by faith, obedience and perseverance to the end: See the parable of the sower (Matt. 13:18-23); 1 John. If a Christian perseveres in faith and good works, he has hope of glory. In that case, his hope is not wishful thinking or baseless optimism. It is a hope based on the Word of God -- which is true -- as it applies to the facts in the ground.

     However, if one turns away from the faith and starts practicing sin, there is no assurance of salvation. Any evidence of God's previous work or mercies is invalidated. If one does not persevere until the end, one cannot 'hope' that God began a work in us that he will perfect as per Philippians 1:6 (see Hebrews 3:14). If there is no perseverance, the unrepentant sinner is like the pilot of an airplane who knowingly attempts to take off with wings covered in a thin layer of ice. "These wings were very aerodynamic before, so maybe they will generate enough lift if there is ice on them," he thinks optimistically. But that hope is just wishful thinking; it has no actual basis in reality or experience. this hope actually defies what the pilot knows to be generally true. No matter how aerodynamic those wings once were, the ice on those wings will doom the plane to a fiery crash not far off the runway."

So, I feel like there's a couple things here. First, if our salvation is so rooted in faith that Paul even has to remind the Galatian church that they were saved by faith in the hearing of the good news of the gospel. It was not by their works that they were saved. If it is so rooted in faith, then obviously to turn from faith into practicing one's own righteousness, or even worse, to just completely give up faith in God and in Jesus and the cross, obviously there remains no salvation. Is there room for faith to save in ways that don't look exactly the same? Is there room for God's lavish grace to overcome some works of unrighteousness? 

Secondly, and like here's the thing here. I'm not going back to that old plane. It never flew me where I was expecting to go anyways. It worked until I realized it wasn't working as intended. Is it possible that I'm gonna go try and fly a helicopter now? I'm gonna need to learn some new techniques and methods to fly this very different air craft, but maybe this one will fly me where I need to go.

I don't think all that time and effort before were completely wasted. I do think God started something in me. I don't know what's going to happen in the end, but there must have been a plan of sorts. What will I have learned through this new season? 

An aside, that like I thought I was going to mention in a previous response and I guess I never did. Like, when I came to faith I hadn't even really considered what all this meant. I was most convicted and concerned over pornography use, regardless of the content. God's love expressed through the cross and extended to me through the love and acceptance of the church brought me to a place where I could meet Jesus and get to know Him. That's what began it all. That's where it started. I hadn't really figured out what same sex attraction meant at that time. I knew grace and forgiveness. Over the years I became convinced that I needed to be honest and open about where I was at and ended up more weighed down in guilt and shame despite being more open. So I started closing again. But with more guilt and shame. What was different back then? How could I feel so happy and joyful in God without having everything figured out? Can I just do that again? Can I live in grace and hope and just trust that God's goodness and grace are strong enough for me?

In a way I'm kinda starting over. I need to see how God's love and grace applies to all of me. I need a new way of approaching God. But I need to know Him. The same one who was and is and is to come. The I Am. Can I find new assurance as I find the gospel applied to all of me? Can I come back to a place where I'm motivated and driven forward because of love for a glorious and great God who loves and forgives and renews me daily?

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: Do Not Turn From Christ to Sin (Part 11 of 15)

Yo,

Good morning. :P G👃D MORNING. ;P SH is so funny and caring. Woke up yesterday to a close-up photo of his face with Good morning written on it, but with his nostrils instead of O's. :P So I sent him one this morning. hehe

"11. The Scriptures warn against turning from Christ and practicing sin: The epistle to the Hebrews repeatedly warns them against drifting from the gospel. "For this reason we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away from it. For if the word spoken through angels proved unalterable and every transgression and disobedience received a just penalty, how will we escape if we neglect so great a salvation?" (2:1-3). And again, the author warns against unbelief: "Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God" (Hebrews 3:12). And again, the author warns about falling away:

     "For in the case of those that have once been enlightened and have tasted of the heavenly gift and have been made partakers of the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, and then have fallen away, it is impossible to renew them again to repentance, since they again crucify to themselves the Son of God and put Him to open shame. For ground that drinks the rain which often falls on it and brings forth vegetation useful for those for whose sake it is also tilled, receives a blessing from God; but if it yields thorns and thistles, it is worthless and close to being cursed, and it ends up being burned" (Hebrews 6:4-8)

And later on, the author warns about sinning willfully:

     "For if we go on sinning willfully after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a terrifying expectation of judgement and the fury of a fire which will consume the adversaries. Anyone who has ignored the Law of Moses is put to death without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severe punishment do you think he will deserve who has trampled underfoot the Son of God, and has regarded as unclean the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know Him who said "Vengeance is mine, I will repay." And again, "The Lord will judge His people." It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God" (Hebrews 10:26-31).

Finally, the author warns: "See to it that you do not refuse Him who is speaking. For if those who did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, much less will they escape who turn away from Him who warns us from heaven" (Hebrews 12:25). These warnings cause me to tremble and fear the very thought of deliberately turning from Jesus and exposing myself to God's wrath. You mentioned you are not concerned about your lack of assurance. How can that be?

'Neglect such a great salvation'. 'Fall away from the living God'. Perhaps I've been neglectful. The last couple years have been tough. Perhaps I've grown a bit distant from God. I want to reestablish that if possible. I want to love and serve God and feel near to Him. I want to hear His voice. I want to feel His presence. 

If I can have a believing heart, that seeks His righteousness and Kingdom, and abides in Christ, and lives and serves Him, can I do that while loving myself and my boyfriend? Does changing the word boyfriend into the word husband make any difference? If we both live in such a way that encourages each other, points each other towards God, stirs one another on to love and good deeds, that does all things aside from this one, is that enough? He who breaks one sentence of the Law is a lawbreaker and guilty for the whole thing, ya?

I think I just stopped worrying about assurance after a certain point. I had been on the edge struggling to fight temptation, giving in semi-regularly, feeling so broken and helpless and hopeless, attempting to fulfill all my church responsibilities and appear good and ok while at the same time feeling terrible. After a while I guess I kinda gave up on holding onto assurance because my life was so messy anyways..? Would I be saved and forgiven if I'm always falling into sin? If half the time I'm actively pursuing it? I guess I kinda just gave up feeling bad because that wasn't getting me anywhere. It felt like I was asking for help, I was asking for forgiveness, I was asking for strength, I was asking for a solution, and I was getting nowhere. Living a life of constantly sinning while fighting against it versus a life freed to live and love. Can I still ask for forgiveness as I now regularly 'sin' without fighting against it? Is it possible to redefine this? How does everyone else live a life of sin while also having assurance? Jesus died once and for all that sin past, present, and future could be forgiven and paid for for all who would turn to Him, ya? Can I pursue God with my all, and give my boyfriend the leftovers, and claim forgiveness when I mess up along the way? I really don't know the answers to these questions. 

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: Hardening Your Heart is the Wrong Move (Part 10 of 15)

Yo,

:P im on a bus today as I type this. Free buses in Ottawa all December. ;P So thats cool. But I'm on the bus because I accidentally forgot to return the store keys when I went home earlier. :/ Whatever. It was a good day. :) Anyways, 

"10. It is wrong and dangerous to harder our hearts against God in difficult times instead if trusting Him: In Exodus, God delivered Israel from slavery in Egypt according to the promise made to the fathers, but judged Pharaoh and the Egyptians. In this deliverance, God displayed his great power and faithfulness. Despite being visibly led by the Pillar of Fire in the wilderness, Israel disbelieved and hardened their hearts (Psalm 95:8). In Exodus 17, the Israelites grumbled against God and even accused Him of having brought them out of Egypt to kill them all in the desert with thirst (Exodus 17:3). Instead of trusting God, they imputed treachery to Him. "They tested the Lord, saying, 'Is the Lord among us, or not?'" (Exodus 17:7). They were a proud and obstinate people. 

     I have been wondering whether you are similarly giving an ultimatum to God, perhaps thinking: "Well, if You, God, don't give me what I think I need, I am going to provoke you to wrath by deliberately living a sinful and unbelieving lifestyle. Let's see if you are with me or against me!" Now, I don't know if that is what you are thinking, but I suspect it may be. If that is the case, though, please let me warn you: Such an ultimatum would be a transgression of Deut. 6:16: "You shall not put the Lord your God to the test, as you tested Him at Massah." The Psalmist warns against such a behavior: "Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts, as at Meribah, as on the day of Massah in the wilderness, when your fathers tested Me. They tried Me, though they had seen My work. For forty years I loathed that generation, and said they are a people who err in their heart, and they do not know My ways" (Psalm 95:7-10). the Psalmist highlights the result, "There I swore in My anger, Truly they shall not enter into My rest" (Psalm 95:11; see Hebrews 3). Beware, testing the Lord may be an irreversible and fatal error!

     Have you witnessed God's goodness in your life? If so, are you hardening your heart against Him in this way instead of trusting Him?"

I don't think that I am intentionally going out of my way just to spite God or to incur wrath. I do think I had mentioned that in the time leading up to choosing to activate the dating app, that led me to my boyfriend, I had felt like God was super distant and that I needed Him to show up if there was going to be hope of me being remotivated to pursue Him and lay any thought of same sex relationship to rest. I was getting nowhere. I was fed up. I was tired. In January I had prayed asking that God would do something. I said I would do what I could to continue to hold off for 6 months and try my hardest to pursue what I had thought was the path God had wanted me on. But in that time I had felt like, nothing. Just emptiness. Just silence coming from God. And in the end, while running on an elliptical at the gym sith like 20% battery left, I opened the app that I had downloaded a year prior and started setting up a profile. 

I don't think there was malicious intent. I don't think I was doing anything to target God. I was just tired of doing the same things and getting nowhere and feeling like crap. So I took a leap. I opened it. And one thing led to another and it felt like I needed to be where I was to properly figure this all out. Admittedly I got a little caught up in it and haven't spent as much time actually thinking, so much as just enjoying it, and loving him, and being me. It's been a great 4 months. There's been some days where I felt a bit guilty for my choices, but mostly I've felt so much freedom and love, and felt more real than ever before. I feel like I have much more perspective and am much more able to love myself. :) 

Have I seen God's goodness? I do think I have. I've been a lot of places. I've done a lot of things. I did not get concussed that one time I had my bike accident. I have a great family. I've had so much support from friends over the years. God brought me to Himself. I got that co-op job interview right after praying about it. I've felt 100% convicted by the Spirit, wrestled with Him, and felt 100% relieved when I made a good decision. I've felt purpose and value and love. 

Am I hardening my heart right now instead of pushing through and wrestling with trusting Him through whatever else I might be called to? I don't know. I've asked for a softened heart a few times over the past few months. I don't want a hard and calloused heart that is unable to respond to God's call on my life. I want to be directed and feel purposeful and want to do good things. I don't want to miss out on all that. So, what now though? What should I do? Have I not been asking for a softened heart and to be directed? Have I not been asking for faith, for greater love for God, for more motivation to do His will, for more understanding on what to do. I do not want to cut God out. I want to be real and I want to figure out how to love God and others as myself. Maybe my ears are a little harder of hearing than before? Maybe my eyes are a little more blurry. But I want to hear and see what God has for me. I want to joyfully serve and love others while living a life free of shame.

I do not want a hard heart. 

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: In the Cross, God is Good. Period. (Part 9 of 15)

Yo

I've had quite a day. :P Finally asked my housemate to not wake me up at 6 am every day and he basically just yelled at me. So I went to the gym, came back, cleaned the whole bathroom, then went and hung out with SH before work. Whatever. :P Things will get better one way or another.

"9. There is no ground for sinners to question God's goodness in view of the Cross: Paul was assured of God's love in suffering in part because "tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope..." (Romans 5:3-4). This is the Biblically based hope for believers that we will enjoy God's glory after Jesus returns. This hope is definitively grounded in the Holy-Spirit-given-conviction that God loves us (Romans 5:5). And this love is definitively established by and seen in the cross of Christ:

For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life (Romans 5:6-10).

It boggles my mind that anyone can actually question God's love, with the cross of Christ screaming loudly right at us. We deserve eternal conscious torment in the full fury of God's unimaginable, eternal and terrifying wrath; but despite how totally evil we have been - and often are - the Righteous One laid down His life to save us. No matter what God painfully withholds and inflicts on us in His Fatherly discipline in this present age, we cannot question God's goodness when we are not receiving what we actually deserve. (In fact, if God treated us according to our sins, He would certainly be good - that would be pure justice!) But in His rich grace towards us, God paid the ultimate and infinite cost to save us - His enemies! Jesus bore the wrath we deserved, so that one day - when we see Jesus face-to-face - we can fully experience God's eternal glory and everlasting happiness. If you find yourself doubting God's goodness in moments of suffering and frustration, ask: what do I deserve and am I receiving my dues now? Only the truly self-righteous question God's goodness. Do you think more highly of yourself than God does?"

The thing that consistently makes it difficult for me to comprehend God's love (one of many reasons), is that eternity is so far off. I've been asked lately what my next years look like, or even weeks from now, and I don't generally look that far ahead. The furthest I tend to look ahead is to the next day to see what time I have to wake up to do the things that are scheduled for me. I don't spend time thinking about tomorrow. I've got so much to think about today. So take that, and scale it up past my current lifetime; past my average life expectancy; past the age of my country; past the age of written history; past the age of the planet; further than that even. How can I grasp eternity? How can I understand and compare the present, which I'm always living in, with the distant eternal future? So, then, it becomes hard for me to truly grasp what eternal punishment, or oppositely, eternal glory and joy look like. If I deserve constant eternal suffering, how do I comprehend that? How do I compare that to suffering I keep being told is insignificant and yet takes up the majority of my day and feels like it will never end?

I have many times in the past been annoyed that God gives us such readily available grace; that we don't see immediate consequences to our actions (or at least, we don't personally experience the negative sides of sin). Like, it feels like if I were to commit a small sin now, it would make sense to get a small punishment to help me realize I should avoid those things. Is that not the discipline we need? Instead, God is gracious and merciful and through the cross has forgiven such an infinite amount of transgressions that that grace just overflows. We take advantage of that grace. I take advantage of that grace. And so I have on many occasions forced punishment upon myself. Which, is the opposite of what that grace should do. Instead of a negative reinforcement (punishments for sins), we get positive reinforcements (God's grace and forgiveness making us more grateful for His goodness and more willing to reconsider our choices next time?).

Objectively: Is God good based on Him sending Jesus to the cross in our place, making a way for us to know Him and a way to be purified and forgiven, when we truly deserve eternal punishment for rebelling against an eternally worthy God? He not only bled in pursuit of holiness. He was obedient to the point of death on a cross. Jesus was good to the end. God, in providing a sacrifice in our place, has also done an amazing thing. Even while we were 100% not trying to live a good life, and ignorantly living lives blatantly in opposition to His rule and worshipping anything other than Him; He died in our place. Incredible. 

Do I think more highly of myself than God does? Never. "I am fearfully and wonderfully made". All my days were written in Your book before even one of them. None of my ways are hidden from you. Psalm 139. In God's eyes, through the cross, I can be an adopted child of God, part of His family, His Kingdom, His plans. Me on my own merits? Not even close. What do I have that was not given to me from God? What is my own that I earned and deserve? Nothing good. Can I do good for others? Only so far as I have been given goodness. Can I receive goodness from others? Only so far as that goodness has been given to them. Apart from God goodness will run dry.

Is God good? sure. Does how I feel about Him matter? Objectively? Probably not too much. But in reality, probably quite a bit. If the ultimate goal is to be in a relationship and experience joy in knowing Him and experiencing His glory, I need to feel good too. If eternal hope satiates that need, good. If not, what is the answer? How can I feel God as good while feeling like I'm suffering needlessly? I need a daily understanding that God's goodness is tangible; that His plans are good even when I don't see the end of the journey; that He is in control and works things for good. I need more faith in Him.

Hmm. May He grant me more faith.

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: God Uses Suffering (Part 8 of 15)

Heyo,

Part 8. We're half way through. Yesterday I wrote out the passages from the letter for the rest of these posts. So I know where things are going and I've actually read the whole letter now (for the first time since receiving it 2 months ago). I think I will also have a final full general reflection post after all 15. Anyways, SH visited me at work today. :) He's kinda the best and now he's sending me helpful links and stuff to help me think this stuff through. He's kinda the best. :P Anywayssssss.

"8. God orchestrates suffering for our good: The epistle to the Hebrews reminds us that God uses persecution and other hardships to lovingly discipline us as a father disciplines his own children in love: "For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness" (Hebrews 12:10-11). Similarly, Paul assured the Romans that their hardship and suffering are orchestrated by God to contribute to and ensure their perseverance and ultimate glorification. "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren" (Romans 8:28-29). In this case, "for good" is defined as becoming conformed to the image of His Son -- or glorification. Sometimes when the suffering and hardships seem so great, it requires some faith to perceive God's goodness in them, but it is certainly there."

God can use suffering for good. Absolutely. Having just finished listening to Genesis, the story of Joseph being sold into slavery for the purpose of preserving the Israelites comes to mind. "What you meant for evil, God intended for good." Or how somewhere in the Old Testament it's mentioned how God uses wicked nations as a weapon against other wicked nations or something. But I digress. God can and does use suffering to further His plans and to help train and build His peoples.

I just feel like this is a bit different.

This is coming up on nearly 17 years of suffering -- to varying degrees-- of existential crisis, self-hate, denial, various coping mechanisms, and a load of other things that did not help. Do I understand the value of purity? yes. Do I understand God's holiness being so much more than anything we can attain? yes. Do I have a good way of facing temptation and not taking it out on myself when I invariably end up failing? No. The best I could do was to stop caring about trying and just ask for forgiveness a bunch. And again, I don't want to try and rework grace and turn it into license. But there's got to be a different solution here.

Semi-related: conformed to the image of Christ, doesn't mean we all end up identical. God has given us each different gifts and talents and aptitudes and inclinations. God has made us all different to glorify different aspects of Himself reflected in us. Conforming to Christ's image will still look different from person to person, but the fruit of their words and actions will result to praise and love of God. Is there a world where there's room for same-sex attracted individuals to love and care for others to the praise and glory of God? I would like to hope so.

D.Fa

Thinking it Through: Christian Suffering is Worth It (Part 7 of 15)

Yo.

Part 7 of this saga means we're almost at the halfway. :P Not quite sure how that makes me feel. ;P

"7. Being a Christian always involves suffering in this age, but however great that suffering is - it is insignificant with eternal glory by comparison: Paul told the Romans that we are heirs with Christ, only "if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him." (Romans 8:17). He adds, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us" (Romans 8:18). To the Corinthians, he added: "... though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal" (2 Cor. 16b-18). One form of suffering is the frustration and lack of fulfillment that we feel when we are deprived of some of our deepest desires, including for intimacy - whether permitted or forbidden. Men and women who desire marriage, but live for long periods of singleness experience this frustration, no matter who they are attracted to. But in the end, this frustration and suffering will be trivial compared to the riches of eternal glory in God's presence."

Suffering for the sake of the gospel. This is one of the most valuable things a Christian can do. Martyrdom is of very high value. Taking the gospel to those who have never had it and living in such an incarnational way among them, an absolutely beautiful picture of Christ coming to Earth and being among His people, even if they hated Him and ended up killing Him. Scrolling it back a few scales of magnitude, doing the same thing to friends and family around you wherever you are -- being Christ to those around you-- is also beautiful and is what we are called to in the Great Commission. As you are going, make disciples of all nations, baptizing them, teaching them all I have commanded you, and I am with you to the very end (Matt 28:18-20). If they persecuted Christ, they are sure to persecute those who follow Him and His words and His way (John 15:20).

Suffering in life I think gets a bit different. Jesus came to seek and save the lost (Luke 19:10). He brought healing wherever He went: healing fevers; leprosy; shame; casting out demons; speaking justly; rebuking those caught in self-righteousness; feeding the hungry; giving living water to the thirsty. In following Christ, our ultimate hope is in the resurrection. We will have renewed bodies; we will see God clearly as face to face; we will no longer cry or be in pain. However, following Christ now should bring some level of healing and new life. "My soul is satisfied" (Psa 63:5). Oh that I could say that. I need more soul satisfaction in Christ. In life, Paul spoke of how he had learned to live in contentment no matter if he had little or lots (Phil 4:12). God supplies our needs. God is the ultimate one who fulfills all our longings and desires. We were all created with a need that can only be fulfilled in Him.

While on Earth, we all will experience some hurt and pain as a result of the world around us. As a result of the sin and brokenness. As a result of people pursuing various means to attain fulfillment apart from God. Paul says that if nothing else, we can have peace through any situations: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:6-7).

Is it because I wasn't 100% trusting in God through it? Is it because I was double-minded and not praying fully faithfully (James 1:5-8)? 

I've suffered.

I've prayed and plead, and begged, and wept, and asked for peace and intimacy with God, and so many things. I've told myself that it didn't matter, that eternity was worth it. I told myself it was fine. I told myself it wouldn't matter some day "the angels aren't given in marriage" etc. A friend of mine has been saying "the gay Christian has a different cross to carry, and a different suffering to bear." I don't know what I think about that yet, but I know I feel really happy right now, I'm not ashamed anymore, I don't need to cry and beg and plead. I know God alone can fulfill and satisfy my soul. Is there space to hope and pray for the future while loving myself and loving those around me, even if it looks a bit different?

I don't want daily suffering anymore. I want to help myself and others to experience healing and joy in God, but don't know if it's possible anymore?

Idk. I feel like I'm rambling now.

Should I expect suffering as a Christian? yes. Is the glory of eternity with God of highest value? yes. Am I instructed to actively choose suffering daily here and now? We are instructed to follow Christ and love Him above all else.

I want to love Him more. I want to feel peace. I want to feel hope. Right now I'm tired of suffering for existing.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. Kinda forgot to address it, but sure, singleness can be frustrating. But how does God fulfill that need? I never got that answer. Paul and Jesus both call us to remain single if able, to pursue God and His Kingdom all the more, and if not able, to be married, to find another who compliments you and can encourage you to prayer and following God all the more, albeit a little more distracted. What then for those who aren't able to stay single, but not able to be married?

Thinking it Through: Progressive Sanctification is Active (Part 6 of 15)

Part 6. Leggo

"6. Progressive Sanctification Involves Active Exertion and Means of Grace - Christians are commanded to "work out [our] salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in [us], both to will and to work for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:12b-13). Although being conformed (in practice) to Christ's image day-by-day is God's work, it does not happen without active involvement. God has provided means of grace that strengthen our faith, equip us to do good works, and that stimulates us to good deeds. These include reading the Bible; individual and corporate prayer and confession of sin; corporate worship; evangelism; Christ-centered friendship; baptism; the Lord's supper; hospitality with other Christians and strangers; among other things. If we neglect these means, our faith and spiritual progress will diminish and wither. If God provides and we make use of these means, our faith and spiritual progress will increase. You have mentioned that you have neglected many of these means of grace in recent days. Don't you want to get back on track? If you wanted to get back on track, what would you do differently?"

Interesting. A direct call out at me. :P First off, yes, I do fully think that in the process of sanctification (God refining us, purifying us, making us more into the image of Christ, etc.) that we also play an active role. We are to walk in step with the Spirit (Gal 5:16) and not to grieve Him by our actions or words (Eph 4:30).

I had admitted that I hadn't read my Bible much; that I had been praying more and more rarely; that I'd been very isolated by the pandemic; that I was unwilling to evangelize since I had been so trapped in feeling sinful and broken. It was not a good place to be. So I needed a change. At least I could feel good about myself, so I went to the gym and got a personal trainer. I got a new chiropractor cause my other one didn't help at all. I needed to focus on making me better, but I also had way too many responsibilities on my plate that were draining me and taking all my time. A friend joked about how I wasn't using alcohol and drugs. hehe. Thanks for planting that seed. ;P But that kinda led me in the end to talking to the guys who were in my life (virtually) and the encouraged me to step back and rest. So I stepped away from those responsibilities for the summer. I got a handful of people more involved in my life for that time. And then I pretty suddenly moved apartments to get away from a lot of the negativity and resentment that had built up in that place. And then, I guess I ended up dating before I'd figured it all out. Oops? And then work and life got extremely busy and stressful and I just needed to escape it all and retreat into a happier place. I ended up having a month off work while I healed from a sore throat and then went on a vacation, which again was a bit of an escape. Now finally, I've changed stores and work is much less daily weighing on me. I've started listening to the Bible on my walks to work. I'm trying to pray a bit through that time. I've been going to church every week since I got back from vacation. I've involved a LOT of people in my life more recently. I'm talking to one guy a bunch about these things. And SH really wants me to figure things out, so I'm trying real hard to get my head back into the mess and figure it out. I want to be in a place where time with God is something I desire. I want to be in a place where I look forward to work. I want to be in a place where I have friends that I see regularly.

Anything valuable requires effort being put into it.

The kingdom of God is like a treasure buried in a field. When a man found it, he went quickly, sold all he had, and purchased the field.

Meaningful relationships take time and effort. You need to build trust. You need to learn how each other works. You need to know how best to encourage and support them. You need to learn when to talk and when to listen and when to show up with flowers.

If your family is meaningful to you, you will drop those other tasks and go visit them in the hospital.

You will make time and put in effort if you believe something is valuable. It's so hard for me though, because I think both are incredibly valuable. I sat on the fence for years to both avoid losing God, and avoid losing the chance at a relationship. I couldn't decide which one I felt was more valuable, and I kinda wasted 3 years. I don't want to choose incorrectly. I don't want to waste time. I don't want to hurt anyone. Is there a way that both can work? Can I be close to God and close to my partner? Can I do all the things required of me? "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" (Micah 6:8). Can that work? Or is the humbly part where admitting my sinfulness and turning away from those things goes?

Idk.

D.Fa

Thinking it Through: Christians Aren't Perfect (Part 5 of 15)

Hey, long time no see. ;P

Let's go, this one looks like it'll be lighter material. :P

"5. Being a Christian does not mean perfection - Although Christians (1) share in the perfect righteousness of Christ, (2) have received the Holy Spirit, and (3) have been redeemed from sin's power; they continue to still live in the presence of sin. As a result, each Christian has his own burdens and struggles with sin. We may be tempted to hide our burdens, weakness and struggles with other Christians; and depict ourselves instead as excelling in our faith, even when we are not. However, perfection is not a requirement to becoming a member of a church. On the contrary, one cannot become a member without being a deeply broken sinner. Each day we need to repent and confess our sins, again and again (cf. 1 John 1:5-2:2). Each day we must put to death the deeds of the body by the Spirit (Romans 8:14). Paul confessed that even he had not reached perfect obedience (Philippians 3:12-16). The truth is that we deeply need to approach God's throne every day for mercy and grace (Hebrews 4:16). We also need the community and ministry of the Church (1 Cor. 12). We need to carry one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2)."

Yes and yes again. Christians are not perfect. They are very broken, but they have come to a place of acknowledging it and accepting their past, because they know they have forgiveness through the cross, and ongoing power to be renewed daily through the Spirit in them, allowing them to walk forward in a new direction led by God for His glory and their joy.

God's grace truly is lavish (Eph 2:4) and new each morning. As He works in us to renew and refine us, we do trip up and need to reclaim that perfect forgiveness made complete on the cross as Jesus died for all sin -- past, present, and future. Each day God's love and grace are expressed more deeply as we turn from sin back to Him. Shall we sin more then that grace may abound further? May it never be so.

So then, what for those who are addicted or dependent or stuck in sinful ways? God's grace. If God wills, He is so powerful and gracious that He could completely heal any infirmary, physical, mental, habitual, etc. I was in Haiti for a week helping at an orphanage. I somehow ended up talking with this guy for like an hour. My French is not good. He went through the gospel with me. In the end we sang a repeating song about Jesus' amazing power and ability to heal our hearts. "I need a touch from you Jesus. I need a touch from you Lord. You can heal my body you can heal my soul. Just a touch from you Lord can make me whole." And there I was struggling so heavily with temptation and habitual sin. These words we sang for like 10 minutes. The whole time I was wishing and praying for that touch, that healing freedom.

I've asked and begged and prayed through "can I try this" "can I try that?" and the words "May it never be." Were the end response. But, then what? How can I feel whole? How can I feel satisfied in God? this is the main question the last few years that just never got answered, and why I ended up taking a risk and opening a dating app.

I'm not perfect. I'm definitely not. I need God's grace. But I don't know what to do if there's no meaningful answer to that question. A Christian counsellor even suggested that masturbation was ok because I had no other suitable outlet for temptation as a young man. She also suggested that being gay and Christian was also ok. But I always argued with her about that.

I don't have an answer here either. Is it possible to be here, and be broken, and still receive daily grace?

D.Fa

Thinking it Through: Approval of Fornification is an Issue (Part 4 of 15)

Yo yo. Part 4.

 "4. The approval and practice of fornification are primary gospel issues: The gospel is what unites and sets apart any congregation as a Christian Church: Each member is committed to the authority of Scripture; shares the same basic doctrine; preaches the same gospel; and demonstrates the fruit of the Spirit in their walk with the Lord.

     The approval or practice of sexual intimacy outside marriage and its approval are incompatible with a commitment to Scripture, the gospel and Christianity as a whole. In the epistle to the Romans. Paul speaks of God's wrath being poured out on those outside of Christ - on those who suppress the truth in their unrighteousness. He raises the practices of sexual impurity and homosexuality as direct manifestations of God's wrath. Because of men's unrighteous exchange of God's truth for a lie (Rom 1:25), "God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, so that their bodies would be dishonoured among them" (1:24). Similarly, "For this reason God gave them over to degrading passion; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the women and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error" (1:26-27). But perhaps, the climatic manifestation of God's wrath is the reality that not only are men practicing sins that they know are worthy of death, but that they also give hearty approval to those who practice them (1:32). But, these manifestations of God's wrath today pale in comparison with the judgement to come against the ungodly.

     in the epistle to the Hebrews, the author exhorted them, "See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; that there be no sexually immoral or godless person like Esau, who sold his own birthright for a single meal.  For you know that even afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought it with tears" (12:15-17). He warns later, "Marriage is to be held in honour among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (13:4).

     Jude also warned of "ungodly persons who turn the grace of our God into licentiousness and deny our only Master and Lord, Jesus Christ" (1:4). Jude alerted them to the reality that God will eternally punish the ungodly. In that vein, he raises the example of Sodom and Gomorrah: "just as Sodom and Gomorrah and the cities around them, since they in the same way as these indulged in gross immorality and went after strange flesh, are exhibited as an example in undergoing the punishment of eternal fire" (1:7). In contrast to sinners like Sodom and Gomorrah, there is "no condemnation" for those who are in Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:1): God's wrath has been averted and they are no longer given over to the power of sin; rather, they have been redeemed and been set free by Jesus' death (Rom. 3:21-26).

     Since the one who practices sin remains under God's wrath, the church has no fellowship with them. They cannot "associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolator, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler - not even to eat with such a one" (1 Cor. 5:11). Paul writes, "Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inheirit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolators, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God" (1 cor. 6:9-10) He explains, "Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God" (1 Cor. 6:11)."

Ok. So, like, I know all this, I've read all this, I've heard all this before. Why does it feel like it doesn't matter? Like I said last time, ya, I do think it's unnatural. I had long conversation with a friend years ago about this sort of stuff and like, nothing they said was like a solution to anything so much as their main point which was something along the lines of "you need to be a child of God first, and then you can worry about figuring out how to obey" like, I was so concerned with how my failures and temptations were making me not good enough, and that I'd never really get over them. I spent years trying to ignore and repress these things and keep a happy face on. There were literal days I'd just go to my bed and lie face down and just try to do nothing instead of giving into temptation. I was so mad and angry at myself that I'd never be good enough. Even when I better understood that God's grace is what makes me good enough, not me, I still felt so guilty and bad for how I'd continually misuse that grace. I would pray. I would beg for strength to overcome temptation and just end up giving in again. The goal is purity. "Be perfect as I am." He alone is the one who can purify. And it just wasn't getting anywhere. Maybe it's because my heart is hard right now. Maybe it's because I'm a bit distant from God and tired of just playing Christian. But I need to do something different for a bit.

What does intimacy with God look like? I asked that once back when I was living with LD and struggling super hard with temptation and asking in what ways God could satisfy me that would make temptation not worth it. The answer was "go to bed". And that was like the closest I'd ever been to knowing what being close with God was. And then not long later I made a bunch of bad decisions. 

How can there be churches that affirm same sex relationships? What does that look like? How do they justify it? I want to be able to do good and feel good. I don't want to let anyone down, but I feel like I've been letting myself down for years. Love your neighbours as yourself. I want to be able to be proud of myself and love myself and love God and love others.

'They will say to me on that day "didn't we do this and this good deed in your name?" and I'll say I never knew you, depart from me.' When I look back on the last decade, I think there's been a good number of times where I feel like I was understanding what God wanted from me, and like legitimately wrestling with following Him, but wanting to. When I look at more like the last 5 years, it feels much more like "I know I should be doing good, but I have no motivation to do so." Like God has been distant. I have been distant. But I've been doing what I should because I should and slowly getting more frustrated and isolated. If something is going to suddenly change and make me want to work hard to be good and somehow at the same time make room for me to be able to love myself while doing it, I need it to happen soon because I feel so much more alive and free right now than I have in a long time. I feel so much more able to show love to others authentically.

If that means I have to be excluded from some places, maybe that's ok. Idk yet though.

I will say though, I do really appreciate that I have friends who are willing to say hard things to me. I do appreciate that this 7 page letter was typed out and sent to me by mail. Even if I'm kinda hating writing these posts because the topics are so serious and I don't have good answers, I still need to hear it and I need to give a response, if just a poorly formed one that doesn't really answer the question.

And with that I think I'm done with this section for now. I don't know how to justify same sex relationships while upholding the Scripture. But I'm happy where I am right now and want to find something that can make it all make sense.

D.Fa

PS. I did read through Genesis the other day and reading about Esau did make me think of Hebrews where it calls us out not to give over our birthright for some soup. "what good is my birthright if I'm dead? Just give me some soup". 'What good is eternity with God when I'm upset at God for making my personal present life so much suffering?' Or some sort of analogy like that. idk.

Thinking It Through: Extra-marital Sex is Sinful (Part 3 of 15)

Hey,

I'm physically exhausted today, so let's go.

"3. All sexual intimacy outside marriage is clearly sinful: There is no real debate about what the Bible teaches if one is committed to Jesus's teachings: 

     First, Jesus affirms the Law of Moses: "Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill. For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass from the Law until all is accomplished" (Matt. 5:17-18).

     Second, Jesus defines, marriage from the Law exclusively as God mysteriously joining into one flesh both a man and a woman for life: "Have you not read that He we created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate" (Matt. 19:4-6).

     Third, Jesus defines fornication (all sexual intimacy outside of this divine institution of marriage) as sin and defiling: "Do you not understand that everything that goes into the mouth passes into the stomach, and is eliminated? But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornifications, thefts, false witness, slanders. These are the things which defile the man; but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile the man" (Matt. 15:17-20).

     So, since Jesus speaks about fornification in this way, Jesus also speaks clearly on the issue of homosexuality: he describes it as a sin that the Law condemns.

     Sexual intimacy outside marriage is one of many kinds of lawless deeds that Jesus gave himself over for on the cross (Titus 2:11-14). It is something we all need to constantly repent of as we look forward to Jesus' return. Jesus did not die so that we can freely sin. The gospel says: 'Jesus died and rose, so turn from your sin today and use your freedom in Christ to live in increasing obedience.'"

Ok. That was longer than the last two.

I am inclined to agree with the majority of this. It is fairly clearly laid out that the natural way, the way things were designed to be, the way God designed things to be is for a man and woman to realize the full depths of intimacy in a fully committed marriage relationship, including sex. Anything outside that definition will be less than, will be incomplete, will be in disobedience to the natural order. As Paul in Romans 1:27 puts it "the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men" as part of people turning from God and worshipping created things instead. There's a number of fairly recent arguments given for the biological value of same-sex partnerships, but I don't think I'll ever 100% agree that it is a natural process. The basis of evolutionary biology is having your genes be passed on and survive. More children, the higher the chances of survival. No children, than no survival.

What does it look like to live a life on increasing obedience? This area, although it maybe looked different from time to time, never felt like an area of increasing victory, but just cycles of failure, confession, and struggle. Some resources would speak of how these desires were good and point us towards finding our wives, but didn't address people who were same sex attracted. What then? Paul writes in 1 Cor 7:8-9 "To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion." The way it's written makes it sound like marriage is just an acceptable form of diverting sinful desire into something satisfactory. But what then for same sex attracted people? Is marriage ok? Is it satisfactory in the case that one burns with passion and is unable to maintain self-control?

Jesus did not die so that we can freely sin. 

There were a few years where I struggled so hard against sin and temptation. I would write the kanji for blood on my palm "血" because "In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood." (Hebrews 12:4). Had I struggled so deeply against sin that I had bled in longsuffering pursuit of holiness? No. So I would remind myself of that as I struggled and prayed. Was it helpful? It was kinda guilt trippy. It wasn't a positive reinforcement. Sure, it made me reflect more on how much Jesus had fought against sin and that He did manage to win that battle and secure victory over sin and death on the cross, that He was a high priest we could always turn to because He had been tempted in every way as we are, yet without sin (Hebrews 4:15). I had wondered a number of times, had Jesus experienced temptation of same sex attraction towards His closest friends? Had removing his outer garments so that He could wash their feet been a difficult thing to do knowing that temptation was crouching at the door? Regardless, Jesus went to the cross and died in my place without having sinned at all. Now, with the Holy Spirit, I should be able to rely in His power to overcome temptation, ya? So, why did I keep failing? Why did I keep having to keep coming back tearfully asking for forgiveness? Why isn't there an easier way? And I don't want to just end my life, cause that would cause too much pain for others around me. It's not a fair option.

So what then? Slowly suffer cycles of celibate sin? *sigh*

I'll ttyl.

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: Jesus Gave Himself to Redeem Us (Part 2 of 15)

Yo yo,

I need to wake up in 6 hours, but I also need to think this through. :P So let's go.

"2. Jesus gave Himself over to redeem us from our sins: Paul explained to Titus that the gospel involves delivering sinners from sin's power over their lives and their sinful ways: "For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Saviour, Christ Jesus, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from every lawless deed, and to purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds." (Titus 2:11-14)."

Again, I think the potential here lies in how things get defined. 1. We're all sinful. Agreed. 2. Jesus (and the grace available through Him and what He did through dying on the cross in our place) is the only way. Agreed. 3. Though.

"Instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires". Here's one of the potential 'loopholes' I need to pursue. The grace of God available in Christ brings potential salvation to all who would receive it, yes? I was talking to a friend, kinda like debating their points. And I'm like, "but Jesus said you're forgiven, go and sin no more." and they were like "what is the sin in this case?" and I'm like "thou shall not commit adultery"; sexual immorality. Basically anything outside the marriage of a man and a woman, it's outside God's design, ya? And they told me how they were reading about something. Like it was only recently around Martin Luther's time that sex began to be viewed as acceptable in marriage, and like not just sin, but ok. Like the priests would be celibate to be truly pure, but the normal people would be living with some degree of sin in their lives. But the thought that "sex in marriage is a gift from God" a good thing to pursue in the right contexts, is a newer concept. What other things need rethinking? It just seems like too much to me to think that you can twist it further. I had a friend who is gay who is Christian and he had explained part of why he believes he shouldn't pursue a same sex relationship is that the image of marriage reflects God and the church, that a man and a woman reflect Christ and His bride, the church. To have a man and a man, would be to have Christ and Christ, which is not the image that God wants presented, or whatever. I don't even know where I'm going with this now. :P

Uhhhhh. Here's the thing I've been thinking lately. If God is almighty and powerful and worth giving up everything, He will supply the ability to do so. "you will not be tempted beyond what you can handle, but God will give you the strength to overcome" or whatever. If God defines this as sin and wants us to overcome it, why does it seem so impossible? I've spent years trying to fight it and I've gotten nowhere but deeply self-hating and shaming myself. Is there a way to work it out together? "in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God." (1 Cor 7:24) "But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband." (1 Cor 7:2)? So long as I am actively "looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Saviour, Christ Jesus" and praying for and receiving forgiveness in His name where I'm at, is that ok? Or is it more the way I've described God's hatred of sin that 'we cannot dwell with God at all because of His holiness'? Where is the line? Is a committed gay relationship, in marriage, that pursues Christ and loves Him first, claims forgiveness and confesses sin daily, and zealously pursues good deeds ok? Or is that living in active rebellion because God can supply the strength to live a life more conformed to His will? :/

Abraham was willing, at age 100, to sacrifice his only son because God said to do it. God must be worth it, right? Worth giving up everything that we've been hoping and longing for for decades.

But is there a way that it can work? ://////

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: The Law and the Gospel (Part 1 of 15)

Heyo,

I promise I've been trying not to procrastinate this. It just seems that every time I set aside that hour or whatever to sit down and think and write, I have like 5 other things that neeeeed to be done, or like I just don't have any energy and I push it off again. I'm here and it's gonna be a little more off the cuff because I just need to do it. 

Quick catch-up: It's been a few weeks. Work was insane, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to ask to be transferred. I was offered a transfer. Woooooot. So this week I've been at a quieter community-style store (that also has Uber Eats ;P) and it's been good so far. Uhhhhhhhh what else? My mom is doing fine. It's been way too cold and wet lately. Idk..? 

Anyways, here's today's topic:

"1. The Law and the Gospel speak directly to you: The law condemns sinners like us. If men are proud and convinced of their own righteousness, the Law is "God's hammer" that pulverizes such presumption (Luther). The Law demands perfection and pronounces the ultimate curse on those with the slightest disobedience in their ledgers. The Law teaches us that we are helpless slaves of sin under God's wrath (Romans 3:9-20). the Law teaches us that we need a Saviour, the ultimate sacrifice who will (1) appease God's righteous anger against our sin once-for-all; and (2) supply the perfect obedience we need to stand justified before God in the judgement. So, the Law drives us to Christ Jesus, our promised Lord and Saviour. On the cross, He freely bore God's wrath in our place and He obeyed the will of God perfectly to the end. God promises to credit His perfect righteousness to all who turn from their sin and trust in Jesus as Lord and Saviour. This gospel urges us now to repent and be saved! This message speaks today to you. Repent and believe!"

Ok, so. 100% I do believe I am a sinner. I definitely know and attest that I have done wrong and regularly do wrong, whether intentionally or not. I am not convinced in my righteousness. There's no way I can ever by my own deeds or actions or thoughts or anything else make myself holy and pure. The sinful nature in me will draw me to brokenness and depravity in attempts to make myself feel whole or fulfilled, but only leave me just as empty if not worse. I've tried before. Willing myself into purity doesn't work. Shaming myself into behavioural obedience doesn't work and feels crap. I've had to deal with so much untangling the shame that I've layered upon myself over the years as I hid feelings and desires and thoughts; as I fought to not do that things I knew was wrong; as I suffered to be better because I thought that would help my relationship with God. I was definitely humbled and weak and needed God's help. But I think I missed the message of God's love in that or something. Idk. Point: ya. I'm a sinner and I defffffinitely need a Saviour. I know that. and I know I can't be that saviour. 

Paul went on in the letter to the Romans about how he wouldn't have known covetousness if the Law had not pointed it out. Sin in him used that as an opportunity to draw out every sort of covetousness in him and lead him to death (Romans 7:7-9). The law highlights our sinful nature and points to our need for a Saviour. Yes. Agreed. The wages of sin is death (Romans 6:20-23), what we deserve for our sin is death, eternal separation from God's goodness, and eternal pain and suffering, "gnashing of teeth" as Jesus put it (Matthew 13:42), where the worm never dies and the flames never cease (Mark 9:43-48). We need the perfect sacrifice to take our place so that we can live, now and eternally, and Jesus is that sacrifice. The one who was mentioned in Genesis 3 (the seed of the woman who would crush the serpent's head), the one who was typified in the sacrificial system (see all of Leviticus, especially chapters 1-7) and the constant sacrifices for willful and unintentional sins (Lev 4:2). The one who would take the place of many for He had never sinned. The payment for sin is death, one animal for one sin, one insignificant life for small forgiveness, but the ultimate forever payment through the one who didn't deserve to die, the one who didn't need to pay for His own sin first. The sacrificial system only a shadow of Christ to come, the blood of bulls and rams not actually able to take away sin, but Christ dying in the future paying for those past sins and all who would come to Him in faith in the future as well. (See all of Hebrews 10. For real. Hebrews is the best.) There is no one else who can save us the way Christ can. He is the only way to the Father (John 14:6), His is the only name by which men can be saved (Acts 4:12). Point: Only in Jesus can we truly be saved. He alone can be the Saviour we need.

So, like, this point isn't the most difficult in what it's explicitly saying. You are sinful: ya. You need Jesus: ya. Repent and believe: hmmm. This I think is where there might be wiggle room in applicable grace? Or where there might be the most need for God-sent conviction and hope to change? I've heard repentance defined so many times when I was in university. To repent is to agree with God concerning your sin and to turn away from it. Which is then generally also followed by asking for forgiveness and grace and renewed fellowship with the Holy Spirit in you. This I think is where I need more clarification: is what I am doing explicitly sinful (I'm currently leaning towards yes) and is there a way to make it acceptable (I'm not sure)? If it is sin, is there room to acknowledge it, claim forgiveness and grace, and live in such a way that is for God (depending how you say it, it feels like either pretending it's not sin, not fully believing that God has said it is, making excuses, lying to yourself, or like not really repenting or whatever)? Is there grace to live in such a way that you can be yourself 100% without shame, loving yourself, while also 100% loving God and living for His glory with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength? As written, that sounds very possible. It should be how every Christian lives. It just also in my life sounds like the decade of shaming myself into acting and pretending things were all fine while in cycles of active sin and forgiveness. How is that better? 

I want to be strong enough to do what is right and feel good about it at the same time. 

Repent? I'm going to be looking into this. I googled affirming churches, but I feel like what I want to do with that is steal someone affirming and debate them.

Believe? I think I do. I just am avoiding everything right now. Before I was avoiding everything from the top of the fence. I spent years feeling crap, not acting in either direction. Now I've spent like 3 months on one side of the fence, while holding onto it. On the day to day I don't feel like I'm terrible, but I feel like I might be further from God than before? And like, that's the real problem. 'And this is eternal life, that they know You, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent' (John 17:3). What is life apart from the source of life? What is 'true life' if only 60 years of joy then suffering? I've started listening to the Bible on my 30 minute walks to work. I want to actively try to pursue God again and see if it can work. My head still says it's incompatible. tbd.

Anyways, that's it for today. My brain is tired of thinking this deeply without real answers. :P

Next time: Jesus gave himself to redeem us. It won't be 3 weeks this time I promise. :)

Ttyl.

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: Introduction (0 of 15)

Hey there. :P

It's been a bit. It'll be 3 months with SH soon, which honestly blows my mind. I've had a month off work in September (slightly sick for 2 weeks, vacation for 2 weeks), we celebrated SH's birthday and a couple of the people in his friend group, I'm feeling more comfortable about how crazy work is and might be changing teams soon(?), but I'm also here and haven't deeply thought through how my relationship does or doesn't work which I kinda expected I'd have at least started by now. Obviously random thoughts and verses have been ruminating, but I have not been actively or directly addressing concerns. I was starting to feel guilty about it, like I'm kinda holding SH in limbo not knowing if I'm fully committed to our relationship because I did tell him I'd need to think it through. And he's cried a bit, but he's happy I'm being honest and wants me to think it through. But more recently he said I need to start. So, that's what I'm gonna do.

Conveniently(?), one of my friends wrote out a 7 page letter with 15 important things that needed to be said concerning my relationship / pursuit of relationship with another guy. He wrote this back on September 6th. When I got it in the mail I skimmed the headings, but otherwise I have not read the letter. So, it's definitely a place to start.

I have talked to many people generally about the relationship / the Biblical side of it and where I was at. But like those were all pretty brief or shallow? In any case, I feel like I still currently am thinking what I was before, but feel better about who I am, but haven't really thought it through fully. I have thought about talking to someone more affirmative and basically arguing against them cause I kinda feel like I don't really have any arguments strongly in favour of my relationship. Like, I have weak or subjective ones, but like, everything I'd been taught and studied before is still in my head providing some like logical answers against some of the questions I'm asking? idk if that makes sense. 

I'm gonna read over the next paragraph before writing my thoughts so I have more time to ponder and think and pray perhaps.

Next Time on Thinking It Through: The Law and the Gospel speak directly to you.

Ttyl. :P

D.Fa

I am Human.

Heyo!

I can't believe it's nearly been a month. :) Work has been garbage, but that's for another day. Time does fly when you repress stress and anger and suffering. But time also flies when you're living what feels like a dream. And that's what I want to focus more on right now. :P I can't believe I have a boyfriend and I can't believe it's been nearly a month with him.

So, ya. :P It's been a wild ride. In the last month I've been more honest and open with what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking and just being real. It's been so insanely good. Like, I don't have words for it. And for the most part it's been so wholesome too. :) He bought me sunflowers. We went to the art gallery. We cooked together a bunch. We've walked so many miles together holding hands. We ate fresh baked goods. We watched fireworks three times. We just sat in peace on benches, and beaches, and rocks, and couches, and buses. We've spent probably an hour just staring into each others' eyes. When I'm with him I don't want to be anywhere else. :) 

Most of my friends are from work (Starbucks), or from church. And it's basically been the same story every time I tell people: coworkers - suuuuper excited for me; church friends - kinda awkward, don't quite know what to say, express their love and care for me, confusion based on my previous statements in past years, varying degrees of communicating they don't exactly agree with what I'm doing. And that's ok. I wish the conversations with coworkers went deeper more regularly. They generally stay pretty shallow. Excitement. Asking about him and details about dates and date ideas and stuff. So, like, I love my coworkers, but I feel like I really appreciate the depth of conversation and the conflict happening in my Christian friends. Not only are they reassuring me that they care about me, but they are all expressing that through how they decide to approach the subject matter. Do they ask more about him? Do they ask me how I feel? Do they ask how my thoughts and convictions have changed? Do they express their thoughts? Do they invite me to dinner to better discuss it? All of those ways are them expressing they care and love me, just in different ways, and I'm so happy I've got so many people that are willing to stay engaged and show their care for me. It's given me time to think. It's given me questions to address. It's given me space to figure out my own thoughts and turn them into words. I know there are people there to hear me out, and people I can go to when I need someone to talk to. I'm so incredibly blessed and thankful for this place I'm in now and how much support I truly have.

More internally though, I feel like I'm allowed to live. I feel like I'm allowed to express what I'm thinking and feeling. I feel like I'm ok and don't have to pretend to be someone else. 

And like, maybe you're reading that and thinking "ya. obviously." but like, I've spent so many years hating my thoughts, hating who I was, hating that I couldn't change this, hating that I had to always pretend and fake and censor myself. I know I don't have to tell everyone every thing. But the freedom to be real as topics come up. The freedom to be ok and acknowledge feelings and thoughts. The freedom to not know what to do, but know that whatever happens things will be ok; that I will be ok. That's what it feels like and it's incredible. There's such an intense and heavy weight of shame that I don't have to carry right now, or anymore ideally, regardless of what happens in the end. I am me. And that's ok. Jesus calls people to himself as they are, he heals and forgives and empowers to live for him. I still need to figure that out. I've not had much free time between work madness and stress, and SH joy and bliss. :P I've got time off, I've got vacations planned in the coming month. But again, that shame. It's ok that I struggle with this and am wrestling with what to do.

I'm gonna copy and paste something I wrote a few years ago. I don't think it was the worst day of my life, but it's the one day that I most clearly remember hating being me. There've been a lot of days over the past 10 years where I'd be tempted and hate my thoughts and my imagination and everything and like go to my bed and just attempt to block it all out. Sometimes there'd be a lot of internal yelling, a lot of desperate prayer, sometimes some kicking, sometimes some crying. I hated that this was me and it felt like I was wrong. But on this particular day it felt super bad. (As I'm writing this I haven't re-read it yet.)

Background: I'm in Japan. Me and four other young adults from my church have gone to help teach English to help a church in Northern Tokyo share the good news about Jesus with children and the elderly and anyone who came to the church for English lessons. Our other friend had been there all year doing similar things. We were there just for a week for a summer camp kind of thing. Me, knowing Japan somewhat from anime, knows that hot springs are a thing and are definitely a tourist destination. Generally, Japan doesn't think anything wrong with nudity in such instances and the baths are separated for men and women. So, the chances if I said nothing were high that our team would go and I'd be forced to decide in the moment not to participate; not to go to the baths with the other men on the team or from the church (whatever may happen). So I told them in Canada "I do not want to go to any hot springs. Do not take me to the hot springs." Or something to that effect. So, you would imagine how annoying it was that for our like one full free day they planned with the church to have us drive way out to the hot springs. The whole day sucked (in my memory. Still haven't read it yet). The drive up: dreading it. The lunch beforehand: didn't want to eat. Onsen time: sat outside. And this is where I wrote the following:

"12:37 august 1.

I'm actually so sad right now. Everyone is going to go to onsen and I can't. I don't know what I will do. I don't know how I will feel then. But right now I feel like the worst. Like I'm less than a normal person. But I know I don't want to see anything I wouldn't want to see. So I know it is a better choice. I'm definitely not in a place today where I could go to onsen and be OK. But this feeling sucks.

Aug 2 on the plane.

Honestly yesterday sucked. I felt like it was a complete waste of time to drive so many hours for me to just sit and wait while others bathed in the springs. I was very annoyed by a few other things too. What is permissible is not always beneficial. To sit out was the better choice. Unfortunately I chose to give in to temptation earlier. God had provided so much and I don't want to keep living this way. Even if it is hard I want to do all I can to change the future.

God's steadfast love is better than life.

That is how the verse goes. That is what I want to experience. That is what I want to see. But I feel so torn when it feels like I need something I know I don't need. When the desires of the flesh scream for attention and demand obedience.

I seem to have convinced myself that I do need those things.

When I think of how following God will mean never experiencing so many things. Never fulfilling so many desires. Never knowing the things I don't know. I feel deep sadness.

But the steadfast love of God is greater than life.

Better than any sin or otherwise. If I have to give up the world of sin it would be worth it. If I had to give up the world it would still be worth it. If I had to give up everything it would still be worth it.

But I've convinced myself that the fleeting pleasures of sin are greater than life and worth dying for.

That is craziness.

Like actually. Read that sentence. I've convinced myself that fulfilling a curiosity and fantasy or desire is so valuable that I'd give up God's eternal love in exchange for fleeting pleasure and eternal wrath.

That is madness.  "

Hmmmmm. Not exactly what I thought I had written. I like, literally cried myself to sleep waiting outside the baths. I thought I would have gone into more detail about not feeling like a person. "I feel like the worst. like less than a normal person." less than a person. that's how I always felt when this came up. I saw myself in monsters in shows I watched. I related more to them than the normal human protagonists. There was so much brokenness and shame just at the idea of thinking about having a boyfriend, or legitimately anything smaller than that. At just a single tempting thought I'd be spiraling into shame and self-hate and desperation to be anything or anyone other than myself.

And that's gone.

I'm human. I'm totally and utterly human. I do and will make mistakes. I'm free to have these thoughts and know that they don't define me. Who I am is deeper than what I think or say or do. Obviously I want those things to align with who I want to be. Who I want to be might be the question on the table now. Not entirely sure. But I know for sure I do not want to carry around shame and self-hatred. 

The stuff from on the plane though. This is what I'm now having to wrestle with. "God's steadfast love is better than life. ... that is what I want to experience." I still feel like that. I think anyways. But the problem is the dissonance between the statement and the feeling. Over the past few years I'd been thinking like "what do I need from God that will fulfill this temptation in a positive meaningful way?" like if I feel this desire so badly day in and day out there must be an answer. As I'd regularly say in sharing the gospel we all have a God-shaped hole in our hearts, thirst leads us to water, our other desires we try to fulfill through sin are there to lead us to their complete satisfaction in God. Or something to that effect. But I couldn't figure out what I needed. And it felt like week after week God was getting more silent or further away as I was asking for help, asking to know what intimacy with God looked like, asking for satisfaction in Him. But each day that would go by unsatisfied and emptier the more I'd think I needed to change something. Lately I've been thinking like "if God really wants me to not have a boyfriend and to not struggle with these things, He needs to be the one to supply the strength to overcome it. Otherwise He needs to supply the grace to live in brokenness." Or something like that. Idk.

Like I said, I need to spend some more time thinking and reading and praying through the topic more. 

I've never felt more whole.

But the question is am I giving up eternity for this bliss? Is there a way that it can work together? I can't go back to hating myself day in and day out. I want the best for both me and SH. I can't promise the future. I can't promise anything until I figure this out, but at least I'm alive and I'm moving forward, whereas before I was static and unwilling to move in any direction slowly feeling more and more empty. 

Jesus, show me again who you are and your grace. Lead me in truth and help me figure out what you need from us. Help us experience your lavish grace and love. Give me fresh faith and help me show your love to those around me.