Last part. I'm gonna write out a final recap sort of response later.
"15. The kindness and patience of God should lead us to repent: If we are practicing sin as unbelievers, we are living on borrowed time. If it were not for God's intervening patience and kindness, we would immediately be swept up in God's judgement. Paul explains that God's patience and kindness leads to repentance: God is giving unbelievers the opportunity to repent (Romans 2:4).
You have mentioned that you are now more inclined to worship and pray to God now that you are experiencing this worldly pleasure during this intervening grace period. However, this new inclination misses the point and may turn God's grace on it's head. If you experience bouts of worldly pleasure and happiness during this grace period, the appropriate response is not to praise and worship Him for that worldly happiness while continuing in sin. In that instance, you are not actually expressing thankfulness for God's common grace. On the contrary, this is contempt for God's grace. Continuing in sin is a perversion of what the grace is intended for: You are using God's intervening grace to store up greater wrath for yourself by continuing in your sin (Romans 2:5). By contrast, the one who thinks highly of God's common grace, uses it to repent and turn from their sin. If God grants repentance; praise, prayers and thanksgiving are truly appropriate. I pray that you will think highly of God's grace and repent."
God is not slow as some believe, but is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish (2 Pet 3:9). Indeed. That overwhelming kindness is one of, if not the largest reason that I had come to faith in the first place. Not only had God made a way for me to be forgiven and to know Him, but He did so while we were His enemies, while we were still in our sin. God saw all that I was and still loved me. While I started implementing regime and structure to make myself better, God said "I've already loved and forgiven you". His grace is overwhelming.
I had mentioned that my soul had felt like it was doing better. Like the weight of silence and emptiness had been lifted. Years of shame and hiding had been removed. I felt so thankful that there is room in grace to make mistakes (if that's what they are). I don't have to be constantly worried and overcome with existential dread at making the wrong choices, and instead never making any choices. I had been firmly stuck in place for fear of making the wrong choices. The freedom to make a choice and adjust afterwards meant I was moving again. Grace leads to repentance yes, but grace also should lead to life and motion and praise and worship. Grace shouldn't lead to stagnation. And I'm not saying it was God's fault for that, but in any case, now that I'm up and moving again I can start to figure out my life again. Everything I have is His. I want to use it wisely. I want to do with it what I can to help others and lead a meaningful life. Living life is something I haven't been doing for the past few years. I've been existing and escaping existence. That's not living. I've been paying the bills and planning so I can afford the next one. There hasn't been anything to look forward to; nothing to hope for; nothing exciting to prepare for. I'd gotten so stuck in where I was and so broken down and hopeless that I wasn't living anymore. And I'm alive again now. If what I'm doing is wrong, I will need to adjust. If what I'm doing just needs minor adjustments, all the better. If what I'm doing is good, most excellent then. But in any of those situations I am happy and glad that I am moving again, that I am looking forward to things, that I've got life back in me that wants things and wants to figure things out even if I'm a bit lazy sometimes and maybe am a bit slower at addressing things than some other people would prefer. I went from overwhelming resentment and guilt at the thought of hypocritical worship, to freedom to praise God and seek Him again genuinely. That's a good thing. I prayed for something to happen to bring me more motivation to love and praise God again, and in the end this is what shook me out of stagnation.
I look forward to what is to come. I hope and pray that as I figure this out with more details my heart is softened enough to repent and seek His help in all areas of my life. I hope and pray for more days ahead where we can do good things together than help others. I hope and pray that I draw near to God and He to me. I never knew the future, but I'm back to feeling positive about it, and I'm not worried right now.
D.Fa
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