:P im on a bus today as I type this. Free buses in Ottawa all December. ;P So thats cool. But I'm on the bus because I accidentally forgot to return the store keys when I went home earlier. :/ Whatever. It was a good day. :) Anyways,
"10. It is wrong and dangerous to harder our hearts against God in difficult times instead if trusting Him: In Exodus, God delivered Israel from slavery in Egypt according to the promise made to the fathers, but judged Pharaoh and the Egyptians. In this deliverance, God displayed his great power and faithfulness. Despite being visibly led by the Pillar of Fire in the wilderness, Israel disbelieved and hardened their hearts (Psalm 95:8). In Exodus 17, the Israelites grumbled against God and even accused Him of having brought them out of Egypt to kill them all in the desert with thirst (Exodus 17:3). Instead of trusting God, they imputed treachery to Him. "They tested the Lord, saying, 'Is the Lord among us, or not?'" (Exodus 17:7). They were a proud and obstinate people.
I have been wondering whether you are similarly giving an ultimatum to God, perhaps thinking: "Well, if You, God, don't give me what I think I need, I am going to provoke you to wrath by deliberately living a sinful and unbelieving lifestyle. Let's see if you are with me or against me!" Now, I don't know if that is what you are thinking, but I suspect it may be. If that is the case, though, please let me warn you: Such an ultimatum would be a transgression of Deut. 6:16: "You shall not put the Lord your God to the test, as you tested Him at Massah." The Psalmist warns against such a behavior: "Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts, as at Meribah, as on the day of Massah in the wilderness, when your fathers tested Me. They tried Me, though they had seen My work. For forty years I loathed that generation, and said they are a people who err in their heart, and they do not know My ways" (Psalm 95:7-10). the Psalmist highlights the result, "There I swore in My anger, Truly they shall not enter into My rest" (Psalm 95:11; see Hebrews 3). Beware, testing the Lord may be an irreversible and fatal error!
Have you witnessed God's goodness in your life? If so, are you hardening your heart against Him in this way instead of trusting Him?"
I don't think that I am intentionally going out of my way just to spite God or to incur wrath. I do think I had mentioned that in the time leading up to choosing to activate the dating app, that led me to my boyfriend, I had felt like God was super distant and that I needed Him to show up if there was going to be hope of me being remotivated to pursue Him and lay any thought of same sex relationship to rest. I was getting nowhere. I was fed up. I was tired. In January I had prayed asking that God would do something. I said I would do what I could to continue to hold off for 6 months and try my hardest to pursue what I had thought was the path God had wanted me on. But in that time I had felt like, nothing. Just emptiness. Just silence coming from God. And in the end, while running on an elliptical at the gym sith like 20% battery left, I opened the app that I had downloaded a year prior and started setting up a profile.
I don't think there was malicious intent. I don't think I was doing anything to target God. I was just tired of doing the same things and getting nowhere and feeling like crap. So I took a leap. I opened it. And one thing led to another and it felt like I needed to be where I was to properly figure this all out. Admittedly I got a little caught up in it and haven't spent as much time actually thinking, so much as just enjoying it, and loving him, and being me. It's been a great 4 months. There's been some days where I felt a bit guilty for my choices, but mostly I've felt so much freedom and love, and felt more real than ever before. I feel like I have much more perspective and am much more able to love myself. :)
Have I seen God's goodness? I do think I have. I've been a lot of places. I've done a lot of things. I did not get concussed that one time I had my bike accident. I have a great family. I've had so much support from friends over the years. God brought me to Himself. I got that co-op job interview right after praying about it. I've felt 100% convicted by the Spirit, wrestled with Him, and felt 100% relieved when I made a good decision. I've felt purpose and value and love.
Am I hardening my heart right now instead of pushing through and wrestling with trusting Him through whatever else I might be called to? I don't know. I've asked for a softened heart a few times over the past few months. I don't want a hard and calloused heart that is unable to respond to God's call on my life. I want to be directed and feel purposeful and want to do good things. I don't want to miss out on all that. So, what now though? What should I do? Have I not been asking for a softened heart and to be directed? Have I not been asking for faith, for greater love for God, for more motivation to do His will, for more understanding on what to do. I do not want to cut God out. I want to be real and I want to figure out how to love God and others as myself. Maybe my ears are a little harder of hearing than before? Maybe my eyes are a little more blurry. But I want to hear and see what God has for me. I want to joyfully serve and love others while living a life free of shame.
I do not want a hard heart.
D.Fa
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