I promise I've been trying not to procrastinate this. It just seems that every time I set aside that hour or whatever to sit down and think and write, I have like 5 other things that neeeeed to be done, or like I just don't have any energy and I push it off again. I'm here and it's gonna be a little more off the cuff because I just need to do it.
Quick catch-up: It's been a few weeks. Work was insane, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to ask to be transferred. I was offered a transfer. Woooooot. So this week I've been at a quieter community-style store (that also has Uber Eats ;P) and it's been good so far. Uhhhhhhhh what else? My mom is doing fine. It's been way too cold and wet lately. Idk..?
Anyways, here's today's topic:
"1. The Law and the Gospel speak directly to you: The law condemns sinners like us. If men are proud and convinced of their own righteousness, the Law is "God's hammer" that pulverizes such presumption (Luther). The Law demands perfection and pronounces the ultimate curse on those with the slightest disobedience in their ledgers. The Law teaches us that we are helpless slaves of sin under God's wrath (Romans 3:9-20). the Law teaches us that we need a Saviour, the ultimate sacrifice who will (1) appease God's righteous anger against our sin once-for-all; and (2) supply the perfect obedience we need to stand justified before God in the judgement. So, the Law drives us to Christ Jesus, our promised Lord and Saviour. On the cross, He freely bore God's wrath in our place and He obeyed the will of God perfectly to the end. God promises to credit His perfect righteousness to all who turn from their sin and trust in Jesus as Lord and Saviour. This gospel urges us now to repent and be saved! This message speaks today to you. Repent and believe!"
Ok, so. 100% I do believe I am a sinner. I definitely know and attest that I have done wrong and regularly do wrong, whether intentionally or not. I am not convinced in my righteousness. There's no way I can ever by my own deeds or actions or thoughts or anything else make myself holy and pure. The sinful nature in me will draw me to brokenness and depravity in attempts to make myself feel whole or fulfilled, but only leave me just as empty if not worse. I've tried before. Willing myself into purity doesn't work. Shaming myself into behavioural obedience doesn't work and feels crap. I've had to deal with so much untangling the shame that I've layered upon myself over the years as I hid feelings and desires and thoughts; as I fought to not do that things I knew was wrong; as I suffered to be better because I thought that would help my relationship with God. I was definitely humbled and weak and needed God's help. But I think I missed the message of God's love in that or something. Idk. Point: ya. I'm a sinner and I defffffinitely need a Saviour. I know that. and I know I can't be that saviour.Paul went on in the letter to the Romans about how he wouldn't have known covetousness if the Law had not pointed it out. Sin in him used that as an opportunity to draw out every sort of covetousness in him and lead him to death (Romans 7:7-9). The law highlights our sinful nature and points to our need for a Saviour. Yes. Agreed. The wages of sin is death (Romans 6:20-23), what we deserve for our sin is death, eternal separation from God's goodness, and eternal pain and suffering, "gnashing of teeth" as Jesus put it (Matthew 13:42), where the worm never dies and the flames never cease (Mark 9:43-48). We need the perfect sacrifice to take our place so that we can live, now and eternally, and Jesus is that sacrifice. The one who was mentioned in Genesis 3 (the seed of the woman who would crush the serpent's head), the one who was typified in the sacrificial system (see all of Leviticus, especially chapters 1-7) and the constant sacrifices for willful and unintentional sins (Lev 4:2). The one who would take the place of many for He had never sinned. The payment for sin is death, one animal for one sin, one insignificant life for small forgiveness, but the ultimate forever payment through the one who didn't deserve to die, the one who didn't need to pay for His own sin first. The sacrificial system only a shadow of Christ to come, the blood of bulls and rams not actually able to take away sin, but Christ dying in the future paying for those past sins and all who would come to Him in faith in the future as well. (See all of Hebrews 10. For real. Hebrews is the best.) There is no one else who can save us the way Christ can. He is the only way to the Father (John 14:6), His is the only name by which men can be saved (Acts 4:12). Point: Only in Jesus can we truly be saved. He alone can be the Saviour we need.
So, like, this point isn't the most difficult in what it's explicitly saying. You are sinful: ya. You need Jesus: ya. Repent and believe: hmmm. This I think is where there might be wiggle room in applicable grace? Or where there might be the most need for God-sent conviction and hope to change? I've heard repentance defined so many times when I was in university. To repent is to agree with God concerning your sin and to turn away from it. Which is then generally also followed by asking for forgiveness and grace and renewed fellowship with the Holy Spirit in you. This I think is where I need more clarification: is what I am doing explicitly sinful (I'm currently leaning towards yes) and is there a way to make it acceptable (I'm not sure)? If it is sin, is there room to acknowledge it, claim forgiveness and grace, and live in such a way that is for God (depending how you say it, it feels like either pretending it's not sin, not fully believing that God has said it is, making excuses, lying to yourself, or like not really repenting or whatever)? Is there grace to live in such a way that you can be yourself 100% without shame, loving yourself, while also 100% loving God and living for His glory with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength? As written, that sounds very possible. It should be how every Christian lives. It just also in my life sounds like the decade of shaming myself into acting and pretending things were all fine while in cycles of active sin and forgiveness. How is that better?
I want to be strong enough to do what is right and feel good about it at the same time.
Repent? I'm going to be looking into this. I googled affirming churches, but I feel like what I want to do with that is steal someone affirming and debate them.
Believe? I think I do. I just am avoiding everything right now. Before I was avoiding everything from the top of the fence. I spent years feeling crap, not acting in either direction. Now I've spent like 3 months on one side of the fence, while holding onto it. On the day to day I don't feel like I'm terrible, but I feel like I might be further from God than before? And like, that's the real problem. 'And this is eternal life, that they know You, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent' (John 17:3). What is life apart from the source of life? What is 'true life' if only 60 years of joy then suffering? I've started listening to the Bible on my 30 minute walks to work. I want to actively try to pursue God again and see if it can work. My head still says it's incompatible. tbd.
Anyways, that's it for today. My brain is tired of thinking this deeply without real answers. :P
Next time: Jesus gave himself to redeem us. It won't be 3 weeks this time I promise. :)
Ttyl.
D.Fa
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