Here's the short one I knew was coming. :P
"13. We either obey the truth or suppress it: There is no neutral ground where one can say: "I have made my decision, but I still haven't had the time yet to really think about how I will figure things out." This seems like code for "I am suppressing the truth in my unrighteousness, so that I will do what my heart desires" (cf. Romans 1:18). One either obeys the truth or suppresses it in unbelief by disobeying God's word."
So, here's the thing, and I think at this point I've said it like 10 times. The path I was on before wasn't working. What I knew and thought was that any same sex thought or action needed to be deleted, removed, quashed, eliminated. May I become less, and You become more. "Would you please delete those images I've seen from my memories and forgive me for seeing them in the first place." "Help me to not think about this person or that person that way." "Help me to be so satisfied with joy and love in You that I don't even need to think about those things." But I never got the answer I needed. I tried for a long time simply avoiding and ignoring and destroying any option to pursue same sex activity. Simply avoiding negative things almost always led to replacing them with other negative things. After a while I realized that it's much better to replace negative things with the positive alternative. But what is that here? I needed to be satisfied in God if I was to avoid seeking satisfaction in others. But still that didn't get anywhere.
So here I am now. I don't have all the answers. But I know I'm much happier. I'm much more free to figure it out. I've been listening to a couple things, and like, I don't know what I think about all of them, but multiple times now the argument is raised that the way the church has gone about dealing with same sex activity has just led to so many people taking their lives or living in severe depression. If the interpretation of God's word leads to death and pain and suffering for so many so consistently then there must be a better way, or like, there must be a way to better address the situation. Or something like that. I don't know what I think about that argument. Something about the fragrance of the gospel bringing life to those who are saved and death to those who aren't maybe (2 Cor 2:15-16)? Still seems like something is broken and needs fixing. So I'm looking to see if there's a solution.
One thing I read the other day though really hit me. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Prov 3:5-6. If we trust in God first and foremost, He will lead us into truth and righteousness. That's what I need to do as I figure this out: not lean on everything I know, but lean into the Lord and follow His leading. I started this whole thing back in June and was incredibly thankful that I could figure it out, that there's grace to make mistakes, or to feel pain and suffering as I sought to fully understand what I need to do. May I be guided into the truth all the more, may the Spirit lead me, may my steps be directed and established by God. I do not want to suppress the truth, I want to figure it out. Something wasn't working. If it can, I want to know how.
D.Fa
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