Bible Study?

Yo,

long-time. Oh, well. 

So, anyways, my church is doing a "Bible study" for lent this year and it's like the first time that they've offered a Bible study group so I eventually expressed interest in joining it. Idk. I'm kinda mad right now. So many things said or implied go so hard against what I've known and believed and want to know and believe. And, as one woman asked "are there references?" the answer was originally "yes, in the scholars version of that text" but ended up being "well, no one really said that, it's just how it is in Hebrew times" which is ... lacking.

Long story short: the study is an extension on a "contemporary re-writing of the Bible" with a feminist twist, broken down into bite-sized chunks with a chapter of what sounds like background information to better help you think through various things. 

Admittedly, I was only told what part to read this morning and I did not get home with enough time to do so. So, I was reading it while the group rambled on zoom. I tried to pay attention when things sounded important. But i really don't know what the point of this meeting was. We barely talked about the specifics of the text, nor did we literally read a single Bible verse during the meeting. There were three main questions after the chapter, which were jumping off points into irrelevant conversation.

Oh, I long for the days of real Bible study.

We would read the scripture multiple times. We would dissect it. The good Bible studies came with well-referenced supporting documents. We would jump off of that to apply it to our lives. We would end with prayer because ultimately it's gonna be God helping us to do whatever we were led to do by the Word and the Spirit in us encouraging each of us.

Why are we talking about how the Bible was put together with random little bits of things we might remember? If that's the point we need a document helping us learn those details. Why are we talking about whether or not the Bible has an overarching plot/point or not if that isn't the point either? Was that the point? I don't even know. Why didn't we discuss: a) what was the point of that chapter? b) what is it making us question? and c) what is the Biblical / other supporting documents pointing us to for a solution? Why are we not walking away from this with a feeling of resolution? Why does it feel like everyone was just making things up for an hour and no one knows anything? Even if we ended without a clear direction to an answer we should have prayed about it, shouldn't we? 

Did I learn something? I have no idea. I think I may have learned that my fragile hopes that this older man who kept pushing for a bible study had any chance of actually being knowledgeable and useful for spiritual development may have been misguided. They kept saying he has a wealth of Biblical expertise. Does he have expertise because everyone else on this zoom call has read the Bible only a couple times in their 60-75 years of literacy? 

Is the question of the authorship of the Bible and the assertion that God had a direct role in inspiring the writers a big question? Yes. No doubt. Will we come to any conclusion by polling the audience? No.

I've been in a nostalgic kind of feeling this week. I wrote a very long letter resigning my membership from my previous church and exhorting the board to do things properly. It was a strange place to be writing to the church board that they need to do things by the Bible better if they want to keep the word Bible in their name, while at the same time feeling very rusty about quoting any scripture personally because I haven't done a full read through in a couple years. I was coming to this study ready to shoot down anything that didn't make sense. But I assumed there'd be less people and that we'd be studying the Bible. So idk.

I'm upset. 

I'm sad.

I'm mad.

I miss the old days for sure.

Let's see where this goes. 

See ya later? No! Ttyl. (There we go. I can remember some of how to do this I think)

D.Fa

PS. I have a new job, my parents are older, love and loss is so painful, and he better get a job soon.

Thinking It Through: God's Kindness Leads to Repentance (Part 15 of 15)

Yo,

Last part. I'm gonna write out a final recap sort of response later.

"15. The kindness and patience of God should lead us to repent: If we are practicing sin as unbelievers, we are living on borrowed time. If it were not for God's intervening patience and kindness, we would immediately be swept up in God's judgement. Paul explains that God's patience and kindness leads to repentance: God is giving unbelievers the opportunity to repent (Romans 2:4).

     You have mentioned that you are now more inclined to worship and pray to God now that you are experiencing this worldly pleasure during this intervening grace period. However, this new inclination misses the point and may turn God's grace on it's head. If you experience bouts of worldly pleasure and happiness during this grace period, the appropriate response is not to praise and worship Him for that worldly happiness while continuing in sin. In that instance, you are not actually expressing thankfulness for God's common grace. On the contrary, this is contempt for God's grace. Continuing in sin is a perversion of what the grace is intended for: You are using God's intervening grace to store up greater wrath for yourself by continuing in your sin (Romans 2:5). By contrast, the one who thinks highly of God's common grace, uses it to repent and turn from their sin. If God grants repentance; praise, prayers and thanksgiving are truly appropriate. I pray that you will think highly of God's grace and repent."

God is not slow as some believe, but is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish (2 Pet 3:9). Indeed. That overwhelming kindness is one of, if not the largest reason that I had come to faith in the first place. Not only had God made a way for me to be forgiven and to know Him, but He did so while we were His enemies, while we were still in our sin. God saw all that I was and still loved me. While I started implementing regime and structure to make myself better, God said "I've already loved and forgiven you". His grace is overwhelming.

I had mentioned that my soul had felt like it was doing better. Like the weight of silence and emptiness had been lifted. Years of shame and hiding had been removed. I felt so thankful that there is room in grace to make mistakes (if that's what they are). I don't have to be constantly worried and overcome with existential dread at making the wrong choices, and instead never making any choices. I had been firmly stuck in place for fear of making the wrong choices. The freedom to make a choice and adjust afterwards meant I was moving again. Grace leads to repentance yes, but grace also should lead to life and motion and praise and worship. Grace shouldn't lead to stagnation. And I'm not saying it was God's fault for that, but in any case, now that I'm up and moving again I can start to figure out my life again. Everything I have is His. I want to use it wisely. I want to do with it what I can to help others and lead a meaningful life. Living life is something I haven't been doing for the past few years. I've been existing and escaping existence. That's not living. I've been paying the bills and planning so I can afford the next one. There hasn't been anything to look forward to; nothing to hope for; nothing exciting to prepare for. I'd gotten so stuck in where I was and so broken down and hopeless that I wasn't living anymore. And I'm alive again now. If what I'm doing is wrong, I will need to adjust. If what I'm doing just needs minor adjustments, all the better. If what I'm doing is good, most excellent then. But in any of those situations I am happy and glad that I am moving again, that I am looking forward to things, that I've got life back in me that wants things and wants to figure things out even if I'm a bit lazy sometimes and maybe am a bit slower at addressing things than some other people would prefer. I went from overwhelming resentment and guilt at the thought of hypocritical worship, to freedom to praise God and seek Him again genuinely. That's a good thing. I prayed for something to happen to bring me more motivation to love and praise God again, and in the end this is what shook me out of stagnation. 

I look forward to what is to come. I hope and pray that as I figure this out with more details my heart is softened enough to repent and seek His help in all areas of my life. I hope and pray for more days ahead where we can do good things together than help others. I hope and pray that I draw near to God and He to me. I never knew the future, but I'm back to feeling positive about it, and I'm not worried right now.

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: Actions Should Follow Theology not Emotions (Part 14 of 15)

Yo,

"14. It is backwards and dangerous to search for theology after deciding on a course of action: You have decided upon a course of action for the immediate future: you will be dating another guy. From what I understand, your own emotions and desires are driving your decisions. You're open to the idea that your previous convictions are mistaken, yet you have not settled on a methodology for confirming or correcting your theology. There are several problems with this approach:

     First, since the Bible is sufficient and authoritative, then the study of it should be directing your course of action. However, in this case, you have chosen to do what you said you know or have believed (and still believe?) is contrary to Scripture. This reverses the proper roles and perhaps reveals a lack of commitment to the authority of Scripture. If you were committed to the authority of Scripture and you genuinely believed that there is ambiguity about what Scripture teaches, the outcome would be different: you would have erred on the side of caution. This would have meant postponing a course of action until you have studied the Scriptures and received Biblical counsel. How committed are you to the authority of Scripture? Do you believe that there is ambiguity about what it teaches or how it applies in your circumstances?

     Second, if your emotions/heart are driving your decisions, there is a serious danger that you will use your study of Scripture to justify your decisions. On the one hand, it is good to examine our beliefs and actions against Scripture. But, if we are instead committed to the authority of our own emotions and thoughts, we risk distorting the Scriptures to fit our predispositions and agendas. Paul spoke of Churches that would accumulate teachers who would simply tickle their ears: "For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but wanting to have their ears tickled, they will accumulate for themselves teachers in accordance to their own desires, and will turn their ears away from the truth and will turn aside to myths" (2 Timothy 4:3-4). These teachers would not simply shrink back from teaching the whole counsel of God, but twisted it to teach what people wanted to hear -- i.e. what would accommodate their desires. How are you guarding against this danger?"

Honestly, at the very beginning of this, I don't even know if I was willing to think that my convictions may have been mistaken. It was more just that it wasn't working and something needed to change. I do think I'm open to the idea that they may have been mistaken now. "It wasn't working" kinda says something was mistaken, either me or the convictions? All I did was postpone action and that got me nowhere. So I jumped in. I probably should have been a bit more methodical. I should have. Jumping in was a little rash. Some people have gotten hurt that I could have avoided by spending more time in research and study first. Perhaps because research and study and logic and stoicism and repression is what got me to where I am now I reacted so suddenly and impulsively and emotionally as a means of finding a different way forward.

Do I believe that the Bible is the ultimate authority? I think God -- creator of all things, sovereign of eternal destiny, sustainer of all things, just and the one who justifies -- should be the ultimate authority, and His word -- as unchanging as He is -- should be taken with just as much seriousness. I'm doing what I can to get back into regular Bible reading and prayer about it. I still want to uphold God and His word. I want good solid teaching. But like none of it matters unless I have a good relationship with God ya? God's gotta be saviour, then Lord, ya? It's kinda like I'm starting over again, trying to realign myself with who God is and what it means for all aspects of me. But I need to know Him more closely again first.

Do I want this to work? Ya. I feel so much more happy and alive than before. Do I understand that God calls everyone to turn away from sins that they cherish and turn to Him with everything they have? Ya. Do I understand that God leads us through difficult times in valleys to get to better pastures? Ya. If they hated Jesus, they will hate His followers. I don't want to just hear things that justify decisions I make. I want to be challenged, I want to grow, I want to be real, I want to be able to stand behind what I believe with passion and conviction. I need to hear both sides of the argument and seek solid research. I very much appreciate that I have a number of people I can talk to about whatever as I figure this all out. But yes, I have made a decision, whether it was fully intentional or not at the time. I am going to be dating a guy. :)

Ttyl.

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: We Either Obey or Suppress the Truth (Part 13 of 15)

Yo,

Here's the short one I knew was coming. :P

"13. We either obey the truth or suppress it: There is no neutral ground where one can say: "I have made my decision, but I still haven't had the time yet to really think about how I will figure things out." This seems like code for "I am suppressing the truth in my unrighteousness, so that I will do what my heart desires" (cf. Romans 1:18). One either obeys the truth or suppresses it in unbelief by disobeying God's word."

So, here's the thing, and I think at this point I've said it like 10 times. The path I was on before wasn't working. What I knew and thought was that any same sex thought or action needed to be deleted, removed, quashed, eliminated. May I become less, and You become more. "Would you please delete those images I've seen from my memories and forgive me for seeing them in the first place." "Help me to not think about this person or that person that way." "Help me to be so satisfied with joy and love in You that I don't even need to think about those things." But I never got the answer I needed. I tried for a long time simply avoiding and ignoring and destroying any option to pursue same sex activity. Simply avoiding negative things almost always led to replacing them with other negative things. After a while I realized that it's much better to replace negative things with the positive alternative. But what is that here? I needed to be satisfied in God if I was to avoid seeking satisfaction in others. But still that didn't get anywhere. 

So here I am now. I don't have all the answers. But I know I'm much happier. I'm much more free to figure it out. I've been listening to a couple things, and like, I don't know what I think about all of them, but multiple times now the argument is raised that the way the church has gone about dealing with same sex activity has just led to so many people taking their lives or living in severe depression. If the interpretation of God's word leads to death and pain and suffering for so many so consistently then there must be a better way, or like, there must be a way to better address the situation. Or something like that. I don't know what I think about that argument. Something about the fragrance of the gospel bringing life to those who are saved and death to those who aren't maybe (2 Cor 2:15-16)? Still seems like something is broken and needs fixing. So I'm looking to see if there's a solution.

One thing I read the other day though really hit me. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." Prov 3:5-6. If we trust in God first and foremost, He will lead us into truth and righteousness. That's what I need to do as I figure this out: not lean on everything I know, but lean into the Lord and follow His leading. I started this whole thing back in June and was incredibly thankful that I could figure it out, that there's grace to make mistakes, or to feel pain and suffering as I sought to fully understand what I need to do. May I be guided into the truth all the more, may the Spirit lead me, may my steps be directed and established by God. I do not want to suppress the truth, I want to figure it out. Something wasn't working. If it can, I want to know how.

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: No Perseverance, No Assurance (Part 12 of 15)

Yo,

Number 2 today. let's go. :P

"12. There is not a sliver of valid assurance of salvation for those who do not persevere in the faith: In the Bible, assurance of salvation is evidenced by faith, obedience and perseverance to the end: See the parable of the sower (Matt. 13:18-23); 1 John. If a Christian perseveres in faith and good works, he has hope of glory. In that case, his hope is not wishful thinking or baseless optimism. It is a hope based on the Word of God -- which is true -- as it applies to the facts in the ground.

     However, if one turns away from the faith and starts practicing sin, there is no assurance of salvation. Any evidence of God's previous work or mercies is invalidated. If one does not persevere until the end, one cannot 'hope' that God began a work in us that he will perfect as per Philippians 1:6 (see Hebrews 3:14). If there is no perseverance, the unrepentant sinner is like the pilot of an airplane who knowingly attempts to take off with wings covered in a thin layer of ice. "These wings were very aerodynamic before, so maybe they will generate enough lift if there is ice on them," he thinks optimistically. But that hope is just wishful thinking; it has no actual basis in reality or experience. this hope actually defies what the pilot knows to be generally true. No matter how aerodynamic those wings once were, the ice on those wings will doom the plane to a fiery crash not far off the runway."

So, I feel like there's a couple things here. First, if our salvation is so rooted in faith that Paul even has to remind the Galatian church that they were saved by faith in the hearing of the good news of the gospel. It was not by their works that they were saved. If it is so rooted in faith, then obviously to turn from faith into practicing one's own righteousness, or even worse, to just completely give up faith in God and in Jesus and the cross, obviously there remains no salvation. Is there room for faith to save in ways that don't look exactly the same? Is there room for God's lavish grace to overcome some works of unrighteousness? 

Secondly, and like here's the thing here. I'm not going back to that old plane. It never flew me where I was expecting to go anyways. It worked until I realized it wasn't working as intended. Is it possible that I'm gonna go try and fly a helicopter now? I'm gonna need to learn some new techniques and methods to fly this very different air craft, but maybe this one will fly me where I need to go.

I don't think all that time and effort before were completely wasted. I do think God started something in me. I don't know what's going to happen in the end, but there must have been a plan of sorts. What will I have learned through this new season? 

An aside, that like I thought I was going to mention in a previous response and I guess I never did. Like, when I came to faith I hadn't even really considered what all this meant. I was most convicted and concerned over pornography use, regardless of the content. God's love expressed through the cross and extended to me through the love and acceptance of the church brought me to a place where I could meet Jesus and get to know Him. That's what began it all. That's where it started. I hadn't really figured out what same sex attraction meant at that time. I knew grace and forgiveness. Over the years I became convinced that I needed to be honest and open about where I was at and ended up more weighed down in guilt and shame despite being more open. So I started closing again. But with more guilt and shame. What was different back then? How could I feel so happy and joyful in God without having everything figured out? Can I just do that again? Can I live in grace and hope and just trust that God's goodness and grace are strong enough for me?

In a way I'm kinda starting over. I need to see how God's love and grace applies to all of me. I need a new way of approaching God. But I need to know Him. The same one who was and is and is to come. The I Am. Can I find new assurance as I find the gospel applied to all of me? Can I come back to a place where I'm motivated and driven forward because of love for a glorious and great God who loves and forgives and renews me daily?

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: Do Not Turn From Christ to Sin (Part 11 of 15)

Yo,

Good morning. :P G👃D MORNING. ;P SH is so funny and caring. Woke up yesterday to a close-up photo of his face with Good morning written on it, but with his nostrils instead of O's. :P So I sent him one this morning. hehe

"11. The Scriptures warn against turning from Christ and practicing sin: The epistle to the Hebrews repeatedly warns them against drifting from the gospel. "For this reason we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, so that we do not drift away from it. For if the word spoken through angels proved unalterable and every transgression and disobedience received a just penalty, how will we escape if we neglect so great a salvation?" (2:1-3). And again, the author warns against unbelief: "Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God" (Hebrews 3:12). And again, the author warns about falling away:

     "For in the case of those that have once been enlightened and have tasted of the heavenly gift and have been made partakers of the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the good word of God and the powers of the age to come, and then have fallen away, it is impossible to renew them again to repentance, since they again crucify to themselves the Son of God and put Him to open shame. For ground that drinks the rain which often falls on it and brings forth vegetation useful for those for whose sake it is also tilled, receives a blessing from God; but if it yields thorns and thistles, it is worthless and close to being cursed, and it ends up being burned" (Hebrews 6:4-8)

And later on, the author warns about sinning willfully:

     "For if we go on sinning willfully after receiving the knowledge of the truth, there no longer remains a sacrifice for sins, but a terrifying expectation of judgement and the fury of a fire which will consume the adversaries. Anyone who has ignored the Law of Moses is put to death without mercy on the testimony of two or three witnesses. How much more severe punishment do you think he will deserve who has trampled underfoot the Son of God, and has regarded as unclean the blood of the covenant by which he was sanctified, and has insulted the Spirit of grace? For we know Him who said "Vengeance is mine, I will repay." And again, "The Lord will judge His people." It is a terrifying thing to fall into the hands of the living God" (Hebrews 10:26-31).

Finally, the author warns: "See to it that you do not refuse Him who is speaking. For if those who did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, much less will they escape who turn away from Him who warns us from heaven" (Hebrews 12:25). These warnings cause me to tremble and fear the very thought of deliberately turning from Jesus and exposing myself to God's wrath. You mentioned you are not concerned about your lack of assurance. How can that be?

'Neglect such a great salvation'. 'Fall away from the living God'. Perhaps I've been neglectful. The last couple years have been tough. Perhaps I've grown a bit distant from God. I want to reestablish that if possible. I want to love and serve God and feel near to Him. I want to hear His voice. I want to feel His presence. 

If I can have a believing heart, that seeks His righteousness and Kingdom, and abides in Christ, and lives and serves Him, can I do that while loving myself and my boyfriend? Does changing the word boyfriend into the word husband make any difference? If we both live in such a way that encourages each other, points each other towards God, stirs one another on to love and good deeds, that does all things aside from this one, is that enough? He who breaks one sentence of the Law is a lawbreaker and guilty for the whole thing, ya?

I think I just stopped worrying about assurance after a certain point. I had been on the edge struggling to fight temptation, giving in semi-regularly, feeling so broken and helpless and hopeless, attempting to fulfill all my church responsibilities and appear good and ok while at the same time feeling terrible. After a while I guess I kinda gave up on holding onto assurance because my life was so messy anyways..? Would I be saved and forgiven if I'm always falling into sin? If half the time I'm actively pursuing it? I guess I kinda just gave up feeling bad because that wasn't getting me anywhere. It felt like I was asking for help, I was asking for forgiveness, I was asking for strength, I was asking for a solution, and I was getting nowhere. Living a life of constantly sinning while fighting against it versus a life freed to live and love. Can I still ask for forgiveness as I now regularly 'sin' without fighting against it? Is it possible to redefine this? How does everyone else live a life of sin while also having assurance? Jesus died once and for all that sin past, present, and future could be forgiven and paid for for all who would turn to Him, ya? Can I pursue God with my all, and give my boyfriend the leftovers, and claim forgiveness when I mess up along the way? I really don't know the answers to these questions. 

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: Hardening Your Heart is the Wrong Move (Part 10 of 15)

Yo,

:P im on a bus today as I type this. Free buses in Ottawa all December. ;P So thats cool. But I'm on the bus because I accidentally forgot to return the store keys when I went home earlier. :/ Whatever. It was a good day. :) Anyways, 

"10. It is wrong and dangerous to harder our hearts against God in difficult times instead if trusting Him: In Exodus, God delivered Israel from slavery in Egypt according to the promise made to the fathers, but judged Pharaoh and the Egyptians. In this deliverance, God displayed his great power and faithfulness. Despite being visibly led by the Pillar of Fire in the wilderness, Israel disbelieved and hardened their hearts (Psalm 95:8). In Exodus 17, the Israelites grumbled against God and even accused Him of having brought them out of Egypt to kill them all in the desert with thirst (Exodus 17:3). Instead of trusting God, they imputed treachery to Him. "They tested the Lord, saying, 'Is the Lord among us, or not?'" (Exodus 17:7). They were a proud and obstinate people. 

     I have been wondering whether you are similarly giving an ultimatum to God, perhaps thinking: "Well, if You, God, don't give me what I think I need, I am going to provoke you to wrath by deliberately living a sinful and unbelieving lifestyle. Let's see if you are with me or against me!" Now, I don't know if that is what you are thinking, but I suspect it may be. If that is the case, though, please let me warn you: Such an ultimatum would be a transgression of Deut. 6:16: "You shall not put the Lord your God to the test, as you tested Him at Massah." The Psalmist warns against such a behavior: "Today, if you hear His voice, do not harden your hearts, as at Meribah, as on the day of Massah in the wilderness, when your fathers tested Me. They tried Me, though they had seen My work. For forty years I loathed that generation, and said they are a people who err in their heart, and they do not know My ways" (Psalm 95:7-10). the Psalmist highlights the result, "There I swore in My anger, Truly they shall not enter into My rest" (Psalm 95:11; see Hebrews 3). Beware, testing the Lord may be an irreversible and fatal error!

     Have you witnessed God's goodness in your life? If so, are you hardening your heart against Him in this way instead of trusting Him?"

I don't think that I am intentionally going out of my way just to spite God or to incur wrath. I do think I had mentioned that in the time leading up to choosing to activate the dating app, that led me to my boyfriend, I had felt like God was super distant and that I needed Him to show up if there was going to be hope of me being remotivated to pursue Him and lay any thought of same sex relationship to rest. I was getting nowhere. I was fed up. I was tired. In January I had prayed asking that God would do something. I said I would do what I could to continue to hold off for 6 months and try my hardest to pursue what I had thought was the path God had wanted me on. But in that time I had felt like, nothing. Just emptiness. Just silence coming from God. And in the end, while running on an elliptical at the gym sith like 20% battery left, I opened the app that I had downloaded a year prior and started setting up a profile. 

I don't think there was malicious intent. I don't think I was doing anything to target God. I was just tired of doing the same things and getting nowhere and feeling like crap. So I took a leap. I opened it. And one thing led to another and it felt like I needed to be where I was to properly figure this all out. Admittedly I got a little caught up in it and haven't spent as much time actually thinking, so much as just enjoying it, and loving him, and being me. It's been a great 4 months. There's been some days where I felt a bit guilty for my choices, but mostly I've felt so much freedom and love, and felt more real than ever before. I feel like I have much more perspective and am much more able to love myself. :) 

Have I seen God's goodness? I do think I have. I've been a lot of places. I've done a lot of things. I did not get concussed that one time I had my bike accident. I have a great family. I've had so much support from friends over the years. God brought me to Himself. I got that co-op job interview right after praying about it. I've felt 100% convicted by the Spirit, wrestled with Him, and felt 100% relieved when I made a good decision. I've felt purpose and value and love. 

Am I hardening my heart right now instead of pushing through and wrestling with trusting Him through whatever else I might be called to? I don't know. I've asked for a softened heart a few times over the past few months. I don't want a hard and calloused heart that is unable to respond to God's call on my life. I want to be directed and feel purposeful and want to do good things. I don't want to miss out on all that. So, what now though? What should I do? Have I not been asking for a softened heart and to be directed? Have I not been asking for faith, for greater love for God, for more motivation to do His will, for more understanding on what to do. I do not want to cut God out. I want to be real and I want to figure out how to love God and others as myself. Maybe my ears are a little harder of hearing than before? Maybe my eyes are a little more blurry. But I want to hear and see what God has for me. I want to joyfully serve and love others while living a life free of shame.

I do not want a hard heart. 

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: In the Cross, God is Good. Period. (Part 9 of 15)

Yo

I've had quite a day. :P Finally asked my housemate to not wake me up at 6 am every day and he basically just yelled at me. So I went to the gym, came back, cleaned the whole bathroom, then went and hung out with SH before work. Whatever. :P Things will get better one way or another.

"9. There is no ground for sinners to question God's goodness in view of the Cross: Paul was assured of God's love in suffering in part because "tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope..." (Romans 5:3-4). This is the Biblically based hope for believers that we will enjoy God's glory after Jesus returns. This hope is definitively grounded in the Holy-Spirit-given-conviction that God loves us (Romans 5:5). And this love is definitively established by and seen in the cross of Christ:

For while we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God through the death of His son, much more, having been reconciled, we shall be saved by His life (Romans 5:6-10).

It boggles my mind that anyone can actually question God's love, with the cross of Christ screaming loudly right at us. We deserve eternal conscious torment in the full fury of God's unimaginable, eternal and terrifying wrath; but despite how totally evil we have been - and often are - the Righteous One laid down His life to save us. No matter what God painfully withholds and inflicts on us in His Fatherly discipline in this present age, we cannot question God's goodness when we are not receiving what we actually deserve. (In fact, if God treated us according to our sins, He would certainly be good - that would be pure justice!) But in His rich grace towards us, God paid the ultimate and infinite cost to save us - His enemies! Jesus bore the wrath we deserved, so that one day - when we see Jesus face-to-face - we can fully experience God's eternal glory and everlasting happiness. If you find yourself doubting God's goodness in moments of suffering and frustration, ask: what do I deserve and am I receiving my dues now? Only the truly self-righteous question God's goodness. Do you think more highly of yourself than God does?"

The thing that consistently makes it difficult for me to comprehend God's love (one of many reasons), is that eternity is so far off. I've been asked lately what my next years look like, or even weeks from now, and I don't generally look that far ahead. The furthest I tend to look ahead is to the next day to see what time I have to wake up to do the things that are scheduled for me. I don't spend time thinking about tomorrow. I've got so much to think about today. So take that, and scale it up past my current lifetime; past my average life expectancy; past the age of my country; past the age of written history; past the age of the planet; further than that even. How can I grasp eternity? How can I understand and compare the present, which I'm always living in, with the distant eternal future? So, then, it becomes hard for me to truly grasp what eternal punishment, or oppositely, eternal glory and joy look like. If I deserve constant eternal suffering, how do I comprehend that? How do I compare that to suffering I keep being told is insignificant and yet takes up the majority of my day and feels like it will never end?

I have many times in the past been annoyed that God gives us such readily available grace; that we don't see immediate consequences to our actions (or at least, we don't personally experience the negative sides of sin). Like, it feels like if I were to commit a small sin now, it would make sense to get a small punishment to help me realize I should avoid those things. Is that not the discipline we need? Instead, God is gracious and merciful and through the cross has forgiven such an infinite amount of transgressions that that grace just overflows. We take advantage of that grace. I take advantage of that grace. And so I have on many occasions forced punishment upon myself. Which, is the opposite of what that grace should do. Instead of a negative reinforcement (punishments for sins), we get positive reinforcements (God's grace and forgiveness making us more grateful for His goodness and more willing to reconsider our choices next time?).

Objectively: Is God good based on Him sending Jesus to the cross in our place, making a way for us to know Him and a way to be purified and forgiven, when we truly deserve eternal punishment for rebelling against an eternally worthy God? He not only bled in pursuit of holiness. He was obedient to the point of death on a cross. Jesus was good to the end. God, in providing a sacrifice in our place, has also done an amazing thing. Even while we were 100% not trying to live a good life, and ignorantly living lives blatantly in opposition to His rule and worshipping anything other than Him; He died in our place. Incredible. 

Do I think more highly of myself than God does? Never. "I am fearfully and wonderfully made". All my days were written in Your book before even one of them. None of my ways are hidden from you. Psalm 139. In God's eyes, through the cross, I can be an adopted child of God, part of His family, His Kingdom, His plans. Me on my own merits? Not even close. What do I have that was not given to me from God? What is my own that I earned and deserve? Nothing good. Can I do good for others? Only so far as I have been given goodness. Can I receive goodness from others? Only so far as that goodness has been given to them. Apart from God goodness will run dry.

Is God good? sure. Does how I feel about Him matter? Objectively? Probably not too much. But in reality, probably quite a bit. If the ultimate goal is to be in a relationship and experience joy in knowing Him and experiencing His glory, I need to feel good too. If eternal hope satiates that need, good. If not, what is the answer? How can I feel God as good while feeling like I'm suffering needlessly? I need a daily understanding that God's goodness is tangible; that His plans are good even when I don't see the end of the journey; that He is in control and works things for good. I need more faith in Him.

Hmm. May He grant me more faith.

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: God Uses Suffering (Part 8 of 15)

Heyo,

Part 8. We're half way through. Yesterday I wrote out the passages from the letter for the rest of these posts. So I know where things are going and I've actually read the whole letter now (for the first time since receiving it 2 months ago). I think I will also have a final full general reflection post after all 15. Anyways, SH visited me at work today. :) He's kinda the best and now he's sending me helpful links and stuff to help me think this stuff through. He's kinda the best. :P Anywayssssss.

"8. God orchestrates suffering for our good: The epistle to the Hebrews reminds us that God uses persecution and other hardships to lovingly discipline us as a father disciplines his own children in love: "For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness" (Hebrews 12:10-11). Similarly, Paul assured the Romans that their hardship and suffering are orchestrated by God to contribute to and ensure their perseverance and ultimate glorification. "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren" (Romans 8:28-29). In this case, "for good" is defined as becoming conformed to the image of His Son -- or glorification. Sometimes when the suffering and hardships seem so great, it requires some faith to perceive God's goodness in them, but it is certainly there."

God can use suffering for good. Absolutely. Having just finished listening to Genesis, the story of Joseph being sold into slavery for the purpose of preserving the Israelites comes to mind. "What you meant for evil, God intended for good." Or how somewhere in the Old Testament it's mentioned how God uses wicked nations as a weapon against other wicked nations or something. But I digress. God can and does use suffering to further His plans and to help train and build His peoples.

I just feel like this is a bit different.

This is coming up on nearly 17 years of suffering -- to varying degrees-- of existential crisis, self-hate, denial, various coping mechanisms, and a load of other things that did not help. Do I understand the value of purity? yes. Do I understand God's holiness being so much more than anything we can attain? yes. Do I have a good way of facing temptation and not taking it out on myself when I invariably end up failing? No. The best I could do was to stop caring about trying and just ask for forgiveness a bunch. And again, I don't want to try and rework grace and turn it into license. But there's got to be a different solution here.

Semi-related: conformed to the image of Christ, doesn't mean we all end up identical. God has given us each different gifts and talents and aptitudes and inclinations. God has made us all different to glorify different aspects of Himself reflected in us. Conforming to Christ's image will still look different from person to person, but the fruit of their words and actions will result to praise and love of God. Is there a world where there's room for same-sex attracted individuals to love and care for others to the praise and glory of God? I would like to hope so.

D.Fa

Thinking it Through: Christian Suffering is Worth It (Part 7 of 15)

Yo.

Part 7 of this saga means we're almost at the halfway. :P Not quite sure how that makes me feel. ;P

"7. Being a Christian always involves suffering in this age, but however great that suffering is - it is insignificant with eternal glory by comparison: Paul told the Romans that we are heirs with Christ, only "if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him." (Romans 8:17). He adds, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us" (Romans 8:18). To the Corinthians, he added: "... though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal" (2 Cor. 16b-18). One form of suffering is the frustration and lack of fulfillment that we feel when we are deprived of some of our deepest desires, including for intimacy - whether permitted or forbidden. Men and women who desire marriage, but live for long periods of singleness experience this frustration, no matter who they are attracted to. But in the end, this frustration and suffering will be trivial compared to the riches of eternal glory in God's presence."

Suffering for the sake of the gospel. This is one of the most valuable things a Christian can do. Martyrdom is of very high value. Taking the gospel to those who have never had it and living in such an incarnational way among them, an absolutely beautiful picture of Christ coming to Earth and being among His people, even if they hated Him and ended up killing Him. Scrolling it back a few scales of magnitude, doing the same thing to friends and family around you wherever you are -- being Christ to those around you-- is also beautiful and is what we are called to in the Great Commission. As you are going, make disciples of all nations, baptizing them, teaching them all I have commanded you, and I am with you to the very end (Matt 28:18-20). If they persecuted Christ, they are sure to persecute those who follow Him and His words and His way (John 15:20).

Suffering in life I think gets a bit different. Jesus came to seek and save the lost (Luke 19:10). He brought healing wherever He went: healing fevers; leprosy; shame; casting out demons; speaking justly; rebuking those caught in self-righteousness; feeding the hungry; giving living water to the thirsty. In following Christ, our ultimate hope is in the resurrection. We will have renewed bodies; we will see God clearly as face to face; we will no longer cry or be in pain. However, following Christ now should bring some level of healing and new life. "My soul is satisfied" (Psa 63:5). Oh that I could say that. I need more soul satisfaction in Christ. In life, Paul spoke of how he had learned to live in contentment no matter if he had little or lots (Phil 4:12). God supplies our needs. God is the ultimate one who fulfills all our longings and desires. We were all created with a need that can only be fulfilled in Him.

While on Earth, we all will experience some hurt and pain as a result of the world around us. As a result of the sin and brokenness. As a result of people pursuing various means to attain fulfillment apart from God. Paul says that if nothing else, we can have peace through any situations: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:6-7).

Is it because I wasn't 100% trusting in God through it? Is it because I was double-minded and not praying fully faithfully (James 1:5-8)? 

I've suffered.

I've prayed and plead, and begged, and wept, and asked for peace and intimacy with God, and so many things. I've told myself that it didn't matter, that eternity was worth it. I told myself it was fine. I told myself it wouldn't matter some day "the angels aren't given in marriage" etc. A friend of mine has been saying "the gay Christian has a different cross to carry, and a different suffering to bear." I don't know what I think about that yet, but I know I feel really happy right now, I'm not ashamed anymore, I don't need to cry and beg and plead. I know God alone can fulfill and satisfy my soul. Is there space to hope and pray for the future while loving myself and loving those around me, even if it looks a bit different?

I don't want daily suffering anymore. I want to help myself and others to experience healing and joy in God, but don't know if it's possible anymore?

Idk. I feel like I'm rambling now.

Should I expect suffering as a Christian? yes. Is the glory of eternity with God of highest value? yes. Am I instructed to actively choose suffering daily here and now? We are instructed to follow Christ and love Him above all else.

I want to love Him more. I want to feel peace. I want to feel hope. Right now I'm tired of suffering for existing.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. Kinda forgot to address it, but sure, singleness can be frustrating. But how does God fulfill that need? I never got that answer. Paul and Jesus both call us to remain single if able, to pursue God and His Kingdom all the more, and if not able, to be married, to find another who compliments you and can encourage you to prayer and following God all the more, albeit a little more distracted. What then for those who aren't able to stay single, but not able to be married?

Thinking it Through: Progressive Sanctification is Active (Part 6 of 15)

Part 6. Leggo

"6. Progressive Sanctification Involves Active Exertion and Means of Grace - Christians are commanded to "work out [our] salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in [us], both to will and to work for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:12b-13). Although being conformed (in practice) to Christ's image day-by-day is God's work, it does not happen without active involvement. God has provided means of grace that strengthen our faith, equip us to do good works, and that stimulates us to good deeds. These include reading the Bible; individual and corporate prayer and confession of sin; corporate worship; evangelism; Christ-centered friendship; baptism; the Lord's supper; hospitality with other Christians and strangers; among other things. If we neglect these means, our faith and spiritual progress will diminish and wither. If God provides and we make use of these means, our faith and spiritual progress will increase. You have mentioned that you have neglected many of these means of grace in recent days. Don't you want to get back on track? If you wanted to get back on track, what would you do differently?"

Interesting. A direct call out at me. :P First off, yes, I do fully think that in the process of sanctification (God refining us, purifying us, making us more into the image of Christ, etc.) that we also play an active role. We are to walk in step with the Spirit (Gal 5:16) and not to grieve Him by our actions or words (Eph 4:30).

I had admitted that I hadn't read my Bible much; that I had been praying more and more rarely; that I'd been very isolated by the pandemic; that I was unwilling to evangelize since I had been so trapped in feeling sinful and broken. It was not a good place to be. So I needed a change. At least I could feel good about myself, so I went to the gym and got a personal trainer. I got a new chiropractor cause my other one didn't help at all. I needed to focus on making me better, but I also had way too many responsibilities on my plate that were draining me and taking all my time. A friend joked about how I wasn't using alcohol and drugs. hehe. Thanks for planting that seed. ;P But that kinda led me in the end to talking to the guys who were in my life (virtually) and the encouraged me to step back and rest. So I stepped away from those responsibilities for the summer. I got a handful of people more involved in my life for that time. And then I pretty suddenly moved apartments to get away from a lot of the negativity and resentment that had built up in that place. And then, I guess I ended up dating before I'd figured it all out. Oops? And then work and life got extremely busy and stressful and I just needed to escape it all and retreat into a happier place. I ended up having a month off work while I healed from a sore throat and then went on a vacation, which again was a bit of an escape. Now finally, I've changed stores and work is much less daily weighing on me. I've started listening to the Bible on my walks to work. I'm trying to pray a bit through that time. I've been going to church every week since I got back from vacation. I've involved a LOT of people in my life more recently. I'm talking to one guy a bunch about these things. And SH really wants me to figure things out, so I'm trying real hard to get my head back into the mess and figure it out. I want to be in a place where time with God is something I desire. I want to be in a place where I look forward to work. I want to be in a place where I have friends that I see regularly.

Anything valuable requires effort being put into it.

The kingdom of God is like a treasure buried in a field. When a man found it, he went quickly, sold all he had, and purchased the field.

Meaningful relationships take time and effort. You need to build trust. You need to learn how each other works. You need to know how best to encourage and support them. You need to learn when to talk and when to listen and when to show up with flowers.

If your family is meaningful to you, you will drop those other tasks and go visit them in the hospital.

You will make time and put in effort if you believe something is valuable. It's so hard for me though, because I think both are incredibly valuable. I sat on the fence for years to both avoid losing God, and avoid losing the chance at a relationship. I couldn't decide which one I felt was more valuable, and I kinda wasted 3 years. I don't want to choose incorrectly. I don't want to waste time. I don't want to hurt anyone. Is there a way that both can work? Can I be close to God and close to my partner? Can I do all the things required of me? "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" (Micah 6:8). Can that work? Or is the humbly part where admitting my sinfulness and turning away from those things goes?

Idk.

D.Fa

Thinking it Through: Christians Aren't Perfect (Part 5 of 15)

Hey, long time no see. ;P

Let's go, this one looks like it'll be lighter material. :P

"5. Being a Christian does not mean perfection - Although Christians (1) share in the perfect righteousness of Christ, (2) have received the Holy Spirit, and (3) have been redeemed from sin's power; they continue to still live in the presence of sin. As a result, each Christian has his own burdens and struggles with sin. We may be tempted to hide our burdens, weakness and struggles with other Christians; and depict ourselves instead as excelling in our faith, even when we are not. However, perfection is not a requirement to becoming a member of a church. On the contrary, one cannot become a member without being a deeply broken sinner. Each day we need to repent and confess our sins, again and again (cf. 1 John 1:5-2:2). Each day we must put to death the deeds of the body by the Spirit (Romans 8:14). Paul confessed that even he had not reached perfect obedience (Philippians 3:12-16). The truth is that we deeply need to approach God's throne every day for mercy and grace (Hebrews 4:16). We also need the community and ministry of the Church (1 Cor. 12). We need to carry one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2)."

Yes and yes again. Christians are not perfect. They are very broken, but they have come to a place of acknowledging it and accepting their past, because they know they have forgiveness through the cross, and ongoing power to be renewed daily through the Spirit in them, allowing them to walk forward in a new direction led by God for His glory and their joy.

God's grace truly is lavish (Eph 2:4) and new each morning. As He works in us to renew and refine us, we do trip up and need to reclaim that perfect forgiveness made complete on the cross as Jesus died for all sin -- past, present, and future. Each day God's love and grace are expressed more deeply as we turn from sin back to Him. Shall we sin more then that grace may abound further? May it never be so.

So then, what for those who are addicted or dependent or stuck in sinful ways? God's grace. If God wills, He is so powerful and gracious that He could completely heal any infirmary, physical, mental, habitual, etc. I was in Haiti for a week helping at an orphanage. I somehow ended up talking with this guy for like an hour. My French is not good. He went through the gospel with me. In the end we sang a repeating song about Jesus' amazing power and ability to heal our hearts. "I need a touch from you Jesus. I need a touch from you Lord. You can heal my body you can heal my soul. Just a touch from you Lord can make me whole." And there I was struggling so heavily with temptation and habitual sin. These words we sang for like 10 minutes. The whole time I was wishing and praying for that touch, that healing freedom.

I've asked and begged and prayed through "can I try this" "can I try that?" and the words "May it never be." Were the end response. But, then what? How can I feel whole? How can I feel satisfied in God? this is the main question the last few years that just never got answered, and why I ended up taking a risk and opening a dating app.

I'm not perfect. I'm definitely not. I need God's grace. But I don't know what to do if there's no meaningful answer to that question. A Christian counsellor even suggested that masturbation was ok because I had no other suitable outlet for temptation as a young man. She also suggested that being gay and Christian was also ok. But I always argued with her about that.

I don't have an answer here either. Is it possible to be here, and be broken, and still receive daily grace?

D.Fa

Thinking it Through: Approval of Fornification is an Issue (Part 4 of 15)

Yo yo. Part 4.

 "4. The approval and practice of fornification are primary gospel issues: The gospel is what unites and sets apart any congregation as a Christian Church: Each member is committed to the authority of Scripture; shares the same basic doctrine; preaches the same gospel; and demonstrates the fruit of the Spirit in their walk with the Lord.

     The approval or practice of sexual intimacy outside marriage and its approval are incompatible with a commitment to Scripture, the gospel and Christianity as a whole. In the epistle to the Romans. Paul speaks of God's wrath being poured out on those outside of Christ - on those who suppress the truth in their unrighteousness. He raises the practices of sexual impurity and homosexuality as direct manifestations of God's wrath. Because of men's unrighteous exchange of God's truth for a lie (Rom 1:25), "God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, so that their bodies would be dishonoured among them" (1:24). Similarly, "For this reason God gave them over to degrading passion; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the women and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error" (1:26-27). But perhaps, the climatic manifestation of God's wrath is the reality that not only are men practicing sins that they know are worthy of death, but that they also give hearty approval to those who practice them (1:32). But, these manifestations of God's wrath today pale in comparison with the judgement to come against the ungodly.

     in the epistle to the Hebrews, the author exhorted them, "See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; that there be no sexually immoral or godless person like Esau, who sold his own birthright for a single meal.  For you know that even afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought it with tears" (12:15-17). He warns later, "Marriage is to be held in honour among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (13:4).

     Jude also warned of "ungodly persons who turn the grace of our God into licentiousness and deny our only Master and Lord, Jesus Christ" (1:4). Jude alerted them to the reality that God will eternally punish the ungodly. In that vein, he raises the example of Sodom and Gomorrah: "just as Sodom and Gomorrah and the cities around them, since they in the same way as these indulged in gross immorality and went after strange flesh, are exhibited as an example in undergoing the punishment of eternal fire" (1:7). In contrast to sinners like Sodom and Gomorrah, there is "no condemnation" for those who are in Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:1): God's wrath has been averted and they are no longer given over to the power of sin; rather, they have been redeemed and been set free by Jesus' death (Rom. 3:21-26).

     Since the one who practices sin remains under God's wrath, the church has no fellowship with them. They cannot "associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolator, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler - not even to eat with such a one" (1 Cor. 5:11). Paul writes, "Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inheirit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolators, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God" (1 cor. 6:9-10) He explains, "Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God" (1 Cor. 6:11)."

Ok. So, like, I know all this, I've read all this, I've heard all this before. Why does it feel like it doesn't matter? Like I said last time, ya, I do think it's unnatural. I had long conversation with a friend years ago about this sort of stuff and like, nothing they said was like a solution to anything so much as their main point which was something along the lines of "you need to be a child of God first, and then you can worry about figuring out how to obey" like, I was so concerned with how my failures and temptations were making me not good enough, and that I'd never really get over them. I spent years trying to ignore and repress these things and keep a happy face on. There were literal days I'd just go to my bed and lie face down and just try to do nothing instead of giving into temptation. I was so mad and angry at myself that I'd never be good enough. Even when I better understood that God's grace is what makes me good enough, not me, I still felt so guilty and bad for how I'd continually misuse that grace. I would pray. I would beg for strength to overcome temptation and just end up giving in again. The goal is purity. "Be perfect as I am." He alone is the one who can purify. And it just wasn't getting anywhere. Maybe it's because my heart is hard right now. Maybe it's because I'm a bit distant from God and tired of just playing Christian. But I need to do something different for a bit.

What does intimacy with God look like? I asked that once back when I was living with LD and struggling super hard with temptation and asking in what ways God could satisfy me that would make temptation not worth it. The answer was "go to bed". And that was like the closest I'd ever been to knowing what being close with God was. And then not long later I made a bunch of bad decisions. 

How can there be churches that affirm same sex relationships? What does that look like? How do they justify it? I want to be able to do good and feel good. I don't want to let anyone down, but I feel like I've been letting myself down for years. Love your neighbours as yourself. I want to be able to be proud of myself and love myself and love God and love others.

'They will say to me on that day "didn't we do this and this good deed in your name?" and I'll say I never knew you, depart from me.' When I look back on the last decade, I think there's been a good number of times where I feel like I was understanding what God wanted from me, and like legitimately wrestling with following Him, but wanting to. When I look at more like the last 5 years, it feels much more like "I know I should be doing good, but I have no motivation to do so." Like God has been distant. I have been distant. But I've been doing what I should because I should and slowly getting more frustrated and isolated. If something is going to suddenly change and make me want to work hard to be good and somehow at the same time make room for me to be able to love myself while doing it, I need it to happen soon because I feel so much more alive and free right now than I have in a long time. I feel so much more able to show love to others authentically.

If that means I have to be excluded from some places, maybe that's ok. Idk yet though.

I will say though, I do really appreciate that I have friends who are willing to say hard things to me. I do appreciate that this 7 page letter was typed out and sent to me by mail. Even if I'm kinda hating writing these posts because the topics are so serious and I don't have good answers, I still need to hear it and I need to give a response, if just a poorly formed one that doesn't really answer the question.

And with that I think I'm done with this section for now. I don't know how to justify same sex relationships while upholding the Scripture. But I'm happy where I am right now and want to find something that can make it all make sense.

D.Fa

PS. I did read through Genesis the other day and reading about Esau did make me think of Hebrews where it calls us out not to give over our birthright for some soup. "what good is my birthright if I'm dead? Just give me some soup". 'What good is eternity with God when I'm upset at God for making my personal present life so much suffering?' Or some sort of analogy like that. idk.