Bouken Deshou Deshou? :P

I'm not gonna lie, there's a good portion of me that is scared. This is so new and so sudden and I know there's a lot of people around me who don't know how to feel.

I wasn't sad when the last guy left. I'd learned so much about me. I'd learned so much about what is important to me. I learned so much about the value of being real and honest to people around me. And I was so excited just to meet you and see if you were more mature and more thoughtful and thought more similarly about meaningful things in my life.

We met. You were so great. I was so awkward trying to start back at date one when my brain still had so many semi-developed habits from the weeks before. I didn't want to push anything. I didn't want to have to put up barriers to protect myself. I wanted to be real and honest and see where things went. I hate how many barriers and habits I've built up over the decades to help me hide and pretend to be someone else. And here you were smiling at me and sharing who you were and what you've been through and drinking bubble tea (with grass jelly. ;P). 

6 hours passed by as if it were only one or two. I don't want to overanalyze everything. But I'm thinking through what do we do? What do I say? Are you ok? Was I too pushy? Am I being open? Can I just be happy and enjoy this moment?

-you lean in and place you head on my shoulder-

The world and the worries and the logical analysis mean nothing right now. You're happy. I'm happy. Let's see where this goes. We text. I smile all day. :)

I did not expect to see you again so soon. 2 days later. Meeting basically your best friend. Dressing up for a fancy second date. Couldn't hold your hand at dinner even if I wanted to. Your genuine laugh is so attractive. Your enthusiasm and passion. You just being free in this situation to be yourself and love yourself and those around you. :)) I couldn't take my eyes off you.

So we walk.

We talk.

We hold hands.

And we just experience the peace of being there. We don't need to know everything. We don't need to have it all planned. We don't need to have all the answers yet. It's ok to not know. It's ok to just be.

And then you go and surprise me. This is our second time seeing each other. Aside from the sparse texting for a week I've only known you 2 days at this point, like 9 hours in person. Everything I've ever learned or seen or watched or been told says this is too soon. If we go too fast we could get hurt. I don't want to lie. I don't want to let you down. I don't want to hurt you. But everything I've been thinking, everything I've been logically processing, all the last decade that we've had separately living such similar lives: we don't know each other super well yet, we don't know the details, but we understand each other SO MUCH MORE than I think anyone I've ever met. We're so in sync. We're so on the same page. And again, your enthusiasm and smile and passion knocks me over, it pushes past what logic should say. I love you too. :)

We walk again. :) Swinging arms, holding hands, you're singing so happily. :) This scene unimaginable, yet so natural and true and real. You're so good at singing. You're so joyful for everything you've been through. How could I not want to spend more time with you. How could I not want to spend all my time with you? I'm never going to get over that look in your eyes, your breathing and heart racing, your smile from ear to ear: "I fucking love you man. :)"

:)

I'm scared of how fast this has gone, but at the same time don't want to pretend and wait so it looks and feels more normal. I'm here because I felt I needed to jump in and figure it out. I'm here because I wanted to meet you and wouldn't take being busy as an answer. I'm here because you're here. And I'm here because I want an adventure too. :) 

Let's go on adventure SH. :)

He's Musical. :)

Hey there. :)

It's been another crazy week learning and growing? Maybe? :P 

I'm still not mad or angry or anything about that last guy I had been seeing. I do think it was the right choice in the end, whether he was the one to say it, or me, to end it at some point. It was exciting. It was fun. It was great. He was patient. But now I keep comparing how things are going with this new guy I'm seeing. :)

Basically, the day after I stopped seeing him, I got back on the apps and started swiping again. I ended up matching with this guy. I sent him a message and he ended up replying. :) But then he stopped replying? I just wanted to meet up in person and, like, talk, get to know each other, y'know? It was a long weekend and he said he was free, but then he wasn't? I got really attached to the thought of meeting him, and the lack of replies whenever I'd message him was kinda starting to drive me insane. :P I feel like my messages were starting to come off as pushy. :( And I wanted to see him so badly, but if he wasn't replying there was nothing I could really do. :( My coworker was starting to get real pessimistic with me. :P "a lot of guys are just gonna ghost you," "just cause you're gay doesn't mean there aren't going to be jerks," etc. It was almost a week before we finally met up. Which, isn't crazy, honestly. It might just have been because my expectations set by the last guy were a little unreasonable (one week was half of our time seeing each other and we texted constantly), but like, I really didn't want to miss out on this chance.

And yo. He's so sweet. :)

And, like I said, there's a lot of comparing in my head between the first guy I ever saw, and this new guy (I'm just gonna call him S for now). I feel like that's normal? Especially with like, a sample size of 2. In a lot of ways I feel like S is so much better for me. We're actually coming from very similar backgrounds and like are thinking through similar issues? Like S is actually pretty open to religion and thinking through what it would mean to be gay and to worship God. He's been through a bunch of stuff too and is coming to accept himself aside from what the people around him want of him. He's musical. He's so sweet and caring. :) I see so much long term potential with S compared to the last guy. I think it will be a slower process, but maybe the last guy, despite stating that he didn't want to go too fast, was actually kinda pushing the envelope? :P

I saw S a couple days ago. Over the course of our 6-hour date, I ended up getting his phone number, we got bubble tea, we walked around, we sat by the river, we walked around more. :P We sat on a bench in a park. He leaned in and showed me all his photos he'd taken. We didn't hold hands, but like, we kinda almost fell asleep on that bench, my arm around him, his head on my shoulder, my head on his shoulder. :) When he leaned into that it made me so happy. :)) We set up a second date for Sunday. At the end of the night he mentioned that he had previously agreed to see someone else on Friday. :/ He is a man of his word and didn't want to back out. So I had to reluctantly be ok with that. :P I'd only just met him. Y'know? I can't tell him not to see other people.

Despite saying he's not much of a texter, S has been texting me so much. :))) He cancelled his meeting with that other guy. :)))) And he invited me to have dinner with him and a friend from out of town whose flight was delayed by a day. So I'm gonna go meet with them in a minute. :P

I'm very happy. :P 

I did get an email from a concerned Auntie from church who was just asking how I've been since they haven't seen me in months. :/ So I need to figure out how to reply to that.

But it's fine. :P 

Anyways, I've got to go see S. :)

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. He had this song stuck in his head all day on our date. haha

This Boy is Electric

Heyo,

It's been quite a couple weeks. Ya, this post is in present / recent past tense. :P I didn't want to say anything until things were like a little more past tense, but things accelerated a bit and it's been a roller coaster of a fortnight. 

So, I'd been thinking about writing that last blog post. I'd been talking to a good friend about a bunch of somewhat related things. I ended up watching "Love, Simon". My headspace was filled with what ifs. It was filled with desire to do something. It was filled with confusion. One day at the gym I'm just on the elliptical. And I don't even really know why exactly, it really wasn't a fully thought out plan, but I opened a dating app I'd had on my phone for the last year. Bumble was activated for the first time. I started setting up a profile. got a bunch of fun photos from my facebook. Started filling out some more info. Importantly, I set it up to show me basically everyone. Women, Men, looking for whatever. My phone was dying, so that was it for now.

Walked home, plugged it in, kept going again. Started swiping left and right. (Awkwardly accidentally swiped the wrong way on a bunch of people. Idk which way is which. I've never swiped someone before!) Spent like a half hour swiping until I just put it down and walked away. Who knows where this will go?

A couple hours later I'd matched with three guys! O . O What am I doing? What do I want? Should I message them? What would I say?? Oh my god. What am I doing here? This is going pretty quickly......... And one of them sent me a message! O . O oh gosh. now I have to reply eh??? and so it began. :) Probably the best two weeks of my life, or at least in a long time.

He's this super cute Filipino guy. A bit younger. A bit shorter. And I really wasn't ready for this, but he thinks I'm cute? O . O He compliments me. I compliment him. He's actually working tonight, but he's messaging me back. He's off tomorrow. So am I. Should I tell him? Should I set something up? He seems so fun and so cute and he likes me? Have I like slipped into a different dimension or something? Oops. I mentioned I'm free and asked if he'd be down to get coffee. :) Oh. doesn't drink coffee. Bubble tea it is. :)) Wander around downtown and get bubble tea? Cool. :) Plans made. Within 8 hours of activating bumble I had a date for the next day. And boy. What a day.

It took like 15 minutes to actually find each other, but then it was magical. :) Wandered around through the parks, sat on benches, walked by the art museum, got bubble tea, talked about so many things. Told him about my past -- believing that homosexual activity was wrong, etc.-- he really wants to shut that down, focus on the positive stuff instead. :) A little strange, but he's still here. But yo. He's still here. It's been hours. Now we're walking around the canal in the rain, hiding under bridges and trees, surrounded by fireflies, watching lightning in the distance, sharing an umbrella. Friggin cute stuff man. :)) I asked for his number. I asked if we could hold hands. Gosh. Wait 6 hours have gone by! He's gotta go. :) Literally, magical night. We're still texting on his way home. :)))))))

Frig. How did this happen? Why am I smiling all the time? :) Is this allowed? Can I be this happy? "Higher Power" was playing at the gym the next day. This Boy is Electric. This Joy is Electric. That's how I'm feeling. :) And I can't let him just be a secret. If this is gonna happen I've gotta make room for it. I've gotta tell people. I've gotta get advice on how to be in a relationship. I start with people who are pretty far away, just to give me a low impact interaction. :) They're happy for me. And the next person too. :) I'm ecstatic. I'm over the moon. (Work that day was horrible. Literally bawled my eyes out for an hour at work. But I had him to text. :) Got through it. Got home.) Started planning our next date. :)

Went to the theater. :) He put my hand on his thigh. He held my arm. Space Jam was lame, but it was a good time with him. We walked around, got food, talked about missions trips? I ended up meeting his brother who worked in the mall. We went to a park and talked more. :) Actually so funny that he's less confident of like holding my hand in public than I am. :P He's so cute. And, he's had some bad experiences in the past, so he wants to go slow. Make sure we feel what we're feeling. :) I appreciated that so much. I'd been warned a LOT about the gay dating scene and rushing into things and how toxic it can be, but here he is. Here comes the boy. Welcome. Hello there. :) He's so kind and caring and patient and willing to wait for me to catch up. :)

I started telling coworkers one day. :) I was over the moon and they were all so happy for me. :) I could be honest at work. I'd known most of them for 2 years and they didn't know me at all. But now they're all asking about him. Asking when we're seeing each other next. Asking how we met, etc. So happy for me. :) The next day I was gonna tell a handful of Christian friends. I was a bit scared, so I told him. He was pretty upset about what I expected them to say. I was waking up fairly early to talk to one guy, and he had work until late. So we couldn't really talk it out. :( 

The next morning I was convinced I'd messed it up, but he was asleep, so I couldn't talk to him. Told my friend who works as a missionary. Super supportive. He'd seen a lot of my last few years, even if he'd been on the other side of the province. He was happy for me, but not sure how it would go. He didn't want me to experience a lot of pain over it. I'd come to a place where I was ok with the potential messiness and pain and was actually just so happy all week, so it really didn't matter to me.

My next meeting was over lunch. He was finally awake, so I called to make sure things were ok. They were. *sigh* So happy. This friend I was talking to is probably the most conservative literalist Christian I regularly interact with. Got lunch, walked for a bit, sat down and told him. "I've been seeing someone for a week. They're really great. They've been making me really happy. I've seen them a couple times so far and we text all the time." silence. "You've been using gender neutral pronouns." :) "Ya. His name is ____." :) You could tell on his face how saddened he was by the news, but his main points were that he cares for me and wanted to stay my friend.

Last for the day was my best friend. I walked and talked to him over the phone for a few hours. A couple hours in I told him why I'd wanted to talk and I told him all about this guy and basically everything. He was and is my best friend after all. :) His main point to me was "I'm so happy you're finally doing something you want." :) He'd been with me through a lot of the worst of it. I'd been super depressed and directionless for years. Didn't really want anything because either it didn't seem worth my time or I didn't believe I was worthy enough to pursue whatever it was. But here I was, again, over the moon happy. :) And my best friend was even offering like dating advice and whatever. :) It was a good day. Only group of people left to tell was my roommates.

Met up with him a couple more times. Made him lunch, walked and talked and kissed. :) Invited him over to my house to watch movies in the living room. :) Felt suuuuuper nervous. My roommates were actually around. We weren't official, so I wasn't like "Hey this is my boyfriend ____." So it was a little strange, and I ended up kinda kicking them out of the living room. oops. Still haven't had a full conversation with the one guy. He's kinda been giving me the silent treatment. :/ oh well. 

Met up with that one friend again. Was actually super useful being asked all these questions to make me think through what am I pursuing? Is that compatible with who God is? What do I believe? Why did I suddenly change stances? Why haven't I told my pastor yet? What do I plan to do? How do I intend to answer my questions? Etc. Super useful processing it all verbally and being shook by how bold I was in answering questions that I would normally censor the answers a bit and hide what I was really thinking. He is gonna start upping his game though in calling me out in what he thinks is wrong. What I had believed is wrong. Which is good. I don't want to silence one side of the conversation. As I figure this out I need to hear it all and feel it all and really come to terms / conclusions.

The other day at my small group Bible study I told them again to pray for this and they asked some questions and I also ended up talking to one guy for like an hour in his car after he drove me home. :) again, super supportive. Glad I'm on this adventure to actually figure things out. Warned me about like how messy it could be, but like the church doesn't have all the answers either. They'll figure it out as I figure it out. The church doesn't need me in ministry. It needs me to be me and to figure out what I'm willing to do to follow God.

Then just yesterday morning he wakes up and replies to my good morning text. "I couldn't sleep very well. I was thinking a lot" "I can only see you as a friend." Kinda out of nowhere. But I kinda felt relived in a way? I really liked him, but honestly, I didn't know how far we'd be able to make it. There were some indicators of incompatibility. For me it was mostly that he felt a little immature. I was willing to do everything I could to make things work, and I'd felt like there was no indicators that he felt this way. But I have to respect his decision and feelings. And maybe in a week I can message him and be friends for real.

So it was over.

But again, I wasn't sad or angry or anything. I didn't really know how to feel. So I went to work, and the girls there found out and were all super supportive. :) I also messaged my best friend and a couple other people. Took the night off. Didn't want to rush anything. Y'know. I didn't know how I felt. 

But I think I'm good.

I will never forget the last two weeks. My first time actually dating a guy. Holding hands. Kissing. All the super cheesy romantic moments. All the long text conversations about Marvel and other random junk. :) 

So, here I am today. I matched with 3 more guys on bumble and sent out messages. :) One guy replied and I'm nervously waiting for the next reply. He's super cute too. :P I turned the filter to only guys for now. I think I need to be in this space a bit longer and figure it out.

I think I'm ready for this.

I actually have like, desired to pray, and desired to sing worship songs more this last week than in like the last year. Don't know what that means. But I think I'm way happier being in this space honestly than being in the spaces I've been lying to myself and to everyone. 

So, let's see where this goes. I want to see if it's compatible in any way with joy in God and joy in my day to day life. I've got so many people around me I can talk to now as I figure it out. I've got a couple more friends lined up to tell about the past couple weeks. I was gonna tell them before posting something like this, but he's gone now, and I wanted to make sure I wrote down some things before I forget. :P

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. I'm so cheesy when it comes to romantic things. haha. I even started like thinking about getting a piercing or tattoo or something. I was prepared to go pretty far for him. :P Oh well.

I'm sorry. I like you.

Ok.

I've been thinking about this one quite a bit. Brought back a bunch of memories I had kinda forgotten. ;P

So, here's the thing. I've spent so much of my life knowing that I'm attracted to guys, but feeling like I need to absolutely shut it down. And like, the closer I get to someone emotionally, the more I like them. So I've had a few crushes over the years on close friends or coworkers.

So many days working side by side thinking other things. And playing mental obstacle courses to keep myself from feeling the things I was feeling. :/ Knowing there was no way anything could happen. If anyone found out it would all be over. How could I make sure no one got hurt? How could I try something and then walk away still friends and having no one ever find out anything had happened? What if they don't feel the same and I just embarrass myself? What if I like it? How do I go back? How do I undo? What if I regret it after? What if I regret not every doing anything?

And so the internal war raged again and again. Back and forth. On and on. Making no progress either way. 

To choose to act would be to risk everything I'd hidden and the future I'd protected.
To choose to remain silent would risk never learning the things my heart had longed for, good or bad.

So, one summer, in a remote city, far removed from family and friends, with a coworker who was basically exactly my type at the time, who was pretty clearly gay, my head was extremely conflicted. Everything was exactly as it needed to be for me to just tell him how I felt and see if anything went anywhere.

So I spent the entire summer thinking about it and playing out scenarios and contemplating and going to church and pretending everything was fine. Acting normal while tearing myself apart internally.

And then here I was one night at like 9 pm, completely convicted that I needed to publicize my story. Tell the world I was gay, but choosing Jesus. I needed to type it out and make it real. The power went out. The buses weren't running. I walked like 30 minutes to a place that had electricity and typed it out. It was a wild night.

So, I told my one coworker who I'd been going to the gym with almost everyday: hey. what would you think if I said I was gay? That sentence. Frig. It caused me so much anxiety. Not just that one time, but every time I said it over the coming few months. The time I was scared to say it and the times I felt arrogant about it. Proud that I was using it for God, or like, arrogant cause I thought I knew how people would react and was gonna break their expectations. idk. It was a crazy time. I don't know how I feel about it right now. Anyways, I don't think he really cared. lol.

So, it was like the end of the summer, I've got this big plan to like use this story to share the gospel. I like, bring the guy I like to lunch with the friend I've been bringing to church and like, tell him about my story, I think? Later that day, or maybe the next day, I asked the guy I liked to talk over lunch. It wasn't the words "I'm sorry. I like you." but that was how it felt was "sorry I've been keeping it a secret. I don't hate you. god doesn't hate you. or whatever. Sorry, I've had a crush on you the whole summer" and whatever else cheesy thing I said. He was always pretty shy, so like, I don't think he really said anything meaningful. We really weren't good friends. :P He was always out doing other things in the evenings. I thought he might have a boyfriend somewhere. Idk. It was a strange day for sure. I messaged him like once or twice afterwards. But really, we were barely friends.

How different would my summer have been if I'd talked to him early on? Probably not that different. He wasn't interested in me.

I don't want to say I'm sorry anymore for what I feel. Idk what I want to do about it. But I want to be real and honest. I don't want to go to my bed and pretend thoughts don't exist. Obviously, not all thoughts should be acted upon. And I guess that's where the battle lies. In acknowledging reality and being okay with its existence, but being strong enough to choose what to do and when to tell others or ask for help? 

We'll see how this goes. I'm not sure if I'm in over my head right now, and I'm not sure where it's going, but I'm currently very interested in figuring out what's happening, and what could be.

Am I happy right now? I'll tell you later I guess?

D.Fa

PS. Heard this song at the gym the other day. I think it was actually some sort of remix of this song, but no one was around and I started singing it and was like "yo. Is this Coldplay?" and it was. :P

What Brings You Joy?

Hey there. :P

So, take this with a grain of salt, but the other day I was thinking about smiling. I feel so awkward walking down the street and smiling at people now. It's like my face has forgotten the muscles it needs to use to get a genuine smile across. My primary thought on the subject has merely been that since we've been wearing masks all day at work we've been trying to show our smiles with the tops of our cheeks so much that like we've reprogrammed our mind to almost only focus on the cheeks. Which, I think, is pretty fair. But then I thought, what if we've just forgotten how to genuinely smile because we've forgotten genuine happiness? 

Oooooooof. 

To be fair, a lot of people have been struggling and suffering alone in isolation. People were never meant to live in isolation like this. People need other people. People need casual time with friends to be able to really vent and pour out their deepest thoughts and emotions. Some people really need a friend to talk to just to even process their own thoughts on various things. Isolation sucks. Big time. And like, I'm fairly extroverted, so I can't really speak into the more introverted side of it. But I hate unending isolation.

Last summer I had essentially 4 weeks of isolation back to back. I had booked off 2 weeks for "vacation" to stay at home the weeks before my mom's birthday, so I could go visit her and like not worry about bringing the virus as an unintended birthday surprise. ;P Plot twist: one of my coworkers at Starbucks reported that they had a cough. So one day it's like 3 pm and some customers are saying our mobile ordering system isn't working. Ok. that's weird. Then my manager comes in (not scheduled) and locks the door behind him. The store was closing immediately and we were all going home so the sanitizing company could come in and spray it all down. Be at home and wait for a call. So, I got to isolate for 2 weeks because this coworker had a cough. I'd have one day of freedom and then my 2 week staycation would happen. I literally only saw my roommate for 4 weeks. I knit an entire blanket while watching the entire LOST series, the full Man in the High Castle series, and a bunch of other stuff. But anyways, my point was, I got through it. But it sucked. It still kinda does. I really like my new roommates, so far anyways, but I barely see them.

Basically all I do these days is work, sleep, eat, go to the gym, watch anime, watch way too much Youtube, watch too much tiktok. Like, there's nothing meaningful. What brings me real joy these days? These are all distractions that give a glimpse of escape. Youtube or twitch or whatever, I feel the main appeal is like having a new friend you get to know through the videos. Through Sykkuno, Among Us, 5up, and the Hafu lobby, I ended up discovering Steven Suptic. I've listened to a bunch of his music, watched so many of his Among Us gameplay videos, and like gotten to know him as a person. I want to be his friend. He's a bit strange sometimes, and apparently has a war with his roommates over the placement of the toilet paper in the bathroom, but he seems very interesting. Some random guy on the other side of the continent. Why do I know about his roommate conflicts? It's fake friendship. And friendship is where a lot of people find their true joy in life. Serving others. Listening to their thoughts and dreams. Laughing together as you play a game or watch a movie. Sharing life.

There's no sharing life in isolation. And turning inwards you just find all the worst parts of yourself.

Where was I going with all this again?

I miss the little things. But I'm also currently, like, scared of the old world. Idk. Am I happy these days? Am I accomplishing anything? 

Also yo. So annoying. The most annoying or difficult customers always come by the store when I'm not there. I've been trying so hard to get into a mindset where I can put myself into the situations and protect my coworkers, but I never get the chance. :( I always just end up hearing about how terrible this or that was afterwards while I'm at home.

I feel like I'm just waiting. But I don't know what for.

I got a Frappuccino on my way home from the gym and two of my favourite baristas were there (I don't have favourites. ok. for the record.). They complimented the shirt I was wearing. :P That made me happy.

I guess we just gotta look for those little things and move forward, eh?

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. Here's one of Steve Suptic's songs I like the most right now:

What Do I Want?

Yo

So, I was super confused earlier. I had spent the whole morning at work, then the gym, then just wasting time at home. Lately I haven't been very concerned or convicted for that matter about sin. I know I'm making choices I wouldn't have, or at least would have struggled with more previously. But then here I was thinking "Oh. I should see if roommate T is interested in coming to play board games with SC and whoever else is there. Then he'll get some interaction with some cool Christian guys who really believe in the gospel. :)"

Like.

Wait a second.

What am I doing here? Am I escaping the systems of accountability I had set up, or am I here to bring all my roommates to Christ? I literally have been making not great decisions all week, and here my brain is automatically thinking about how to best invite my roommates into safe spaces to be more open to trusting and listening to Christians about Jesus. What the heck?

Literally, a month ago or something a coworker asked me something like "do you believe in God?" and I kinda just said "I'm not sure." Now /That/ hit me. Basically any time other than right now and before grade 12 I wouldn't have answered like that. I would have had a bunch of things to say, a bunch of questions to ask, my brain would be thinking about all the possible flow charts of where the conversation could go, I'd be telepathically praying, etc. But instead I said "I don't know if I (fully) believe in God right now." Oof.

The other day roommate J had a friend over to watch the UFC fights that were happening. They had found a sketchy website to avoid paying to watch it. He had bet money on the fights. There was a bong, a couple vape pens, nicotine spray, whisky, beer, comments about the female fighters' butts. Not a situation I'm used to. But again, my brain is saying "act cool. you need to win his trust before you can win him to Christ. don't come off like you're above substance use. don't jump in. just be cool".

What do I want?

Is it just that I have so ingrained these thought patterns and plans into my brain that I fall back on them when I'm in new situations? Is it because I'm out of my last place where I was basically always angry about something and just having that weight lifted off me has let me get back to this? I literally have said the phrase "I don't feel qualified to share the gospel with anyone right now" so freaking many times the last couple years. I feel like my life is so low and like, not at all a role model life, like, not that all sin can't be forgiven, but actively and willingly walking into sin isn't the place to be. How can I say to someone "you need to repent, turn from your sin, and ask for forgiveness" when I'm over here doubting God's supreme goodness, not caring about living a life of purity, actively looking into substances that are now available and legal when I probably shouldn't, never praying, never reading my Bible. Like. If there was ever a time for my heart to be like "just chill out. now's not the time. you can just relax." why instead do I fall into patterns of "we need to keep this course and keep a good reputation and deepen these roommate relationships and look for opportunities to meaningfully share the gospel"? Like, what is this? 

What is this?

What is my heart?

What.

And then, question 2, where do I go from here?

I could easily just quit all these thoughts and default to apathy about it. I could also do a bit of a 180 and clean up and be vulnerable and work hard to believe the freeness of grace in Christ and start over new. 

Gosh.

How do I make decisions like these? How can I?

Emotions

I literally don't understand them.

Like, actually. Through the course of today I went from feeling tired, to feeling grief and sadness, to feeling guilty, to feeling suuuuuper mad, to feeling super fearful, judgmental, lonely, it goes on. So many feelings. So little time. And so little understanding of why they were there and what they meant and how I can deal with them.

I think I need some sleep.

So, I moved. Past tense. Completed. Today my last roommate helped move my box spring and that was the last thing. And y'know, it's honestly pretty annoying. The last week he's been like the best roommate. I don't know what the difference is. Why this week? What did I do? What is prompting him to act like a human being? The first day I had moved most things I eventually laid down and went to sleep. The next day was great. I felt so free and at peace. I'd removed myself from this situation that constantly made me angry and mad. But then I started thinking more about what it meant to him. In the course of like 4 weeks I went from "I'm looking at places" one day. To "I'm moving to that place" the next. To "I'm moving sometime next month". To "oh actually I think I'm moving this week". To "Oh, I'm moving today." And too bad for him. I'm out. What does it matter to him? Did I improve his life in any way? I hated so many little things and was pretty passive aggressive about them. I don't think I did anything of value for him. So much of the time I tried to avoid him. I answered almost every single question he asked with sarcasm or non-answers. 

But this week he's great.

Could I have avoided all of this if I had just been a bit mature and owned up to my actions and communicated honestly with him?

Maybe. Maybe not. I literally don't want to see him for like a few months if possible. I want to remove him from my facebook friends. I want to remove any indicator that we could have been good roommates. I'm past it. I'm moving on.

And I think that's part of what's making me so guilty about it, mad at myself. I literally spent like 2 hours just talking to my one roommate T (the one who lives in the basement with me). He was just reading a book outside, so I went and asked him questions. We talked about so many random things (he did a 45-day trip to Japan in 2015. yo. sign me up.) I legit don't think I've talked to my last roommate more than like 2 minutes at a time over the entire like 9 months. We went to dinner once at a mutual friend couple's house. My mindset was "I need to pretend to tolerate this guy for the next 3 hours". Like what the heck is that? I barely know roommate T and like I want to know more. I want to be reliable for him. I want to be able to talk openly with him. I also want to just hang with roommate J. I'm like trying to brainstorm things we could do together. 

The comparison of mental attitudes is just so stark. Why?

But I'm here now. and I'm rolling with the punches. I'm trying to get my old roommate a new roommate. And he's just as complaining about the whole process as he was about everything. "This is going so fast." Ya man. There's only like 78 days until either you are evicted or someone moves in. 2 months is the legal notice I need to give, so basically everyone looking for a house should ideally have their plans made 2 months in advance. This is the window. This is when everyone is looking and everyone is posting options.

I kinda wish it was normal for me to be physically violent when I'm mad. Then it would get across.

Instead I'm stuck in this weird zone of never really revealing how mad I am and just pretending I'm not and no one gets it. 

I mean, I don't get it. Most anger seems petty to me. When is it not? I don't know where the line is drawn. Maybe I'm sheltered. Maybe I've spent too much of my life trying to please everyone around me and fit in and not stir the pot. I don't fight for me. Maybe that's why I'm here. Maybe that's why this tornado of emotions leaks out sometimes. Maybe that's why I have no idea what I feel, or how I should feel, or what I should do if I feel that way.

Whatever.

D.Fa

Taking a Break

Heyo,

How's your day going? :P I had a really chill day at a friend's place. The 3 of us watched church, had lunch, watched Attack on Titan, watched a hockey game. It was chillllllll. I really appreciate them for taking care of me like that. :3 At the end my friend drove me home.

And that's where the questions started. ;P I had kinda been wondering when they'd show up.

The other week we had gone for a walk and I ended up telling them that I was gonna take a break for a few months from church ministry and stuff. Because they know me and care about me they asked me a bunch of questions. They know I kinda need to be asked to really provide answers. I don't voluntarily let much out. I hate lying, but I will use a variety of means to avoid answering a question with an answer I don't want to say. Not saying anything isn't saying the truth, but it certainly is different than saying something false. Anyways, they were really concerned for me and want to do basically anything they can to help me. So they had me stay over. They took me to dinner with another couple. They said they'd pick me up for church whenever.

Anyways, knowing that I expected some questions earlier in the day: how I'm doing; how I'm feeling; how people responded when I announced my break; etc. And, again, I love them, and I really appreciate their concern and care for me. But I don't know what I want. He asked what my plans were to like, get better, or like rebuild good spiritual habits, and stuff like that. He asked how can they help. He asked if there was sin in my life that I was feeling convicted about or that I wish I was fighting better. He asked how can they pray for me. 

How do I answer that?

My heart's first response is that I don't want help. I want a break. I want a break from everything.

And like, I know that sounds really concerning. I know that sounds like I'm leaving the faith. And I don't know that that's what I'm saying. I know I don't want to say that. I know in my head a life without Christ isn't worth living. I don't feel convicted of sin right now. I don't feel much of anything. Maybe I'm apathetic. Maybe I've just been switching off my feelings as a way to cope with the world and the daily stresses around me. Maybe I've gone numb to protect myself and those around me. I'm moving sometime this week and I haven't told my parents' that I've even considered moving. Maybe my view of the world has been shrinking and shrinking as my ability to affect things around me has been growing weaker and weaker. Without a passion or goal I've become very short sighted on surviving the present. My head and heart aren't thinking about eternity right now, or 5 years, or next year, or next month. It's hard to think next week. In a world where weeks don't make sense, I just look at when I need to wake up for tomorrow and do what I can in the moment. I'm medicating worry and doubt with escapism, substances, and avoidance. There's a certain field of vision in front of me that I can see, and so long as I can avoid the obstacles within that field, I'm currently not overly concerned about obstacles further on the horizon.

I need a break.

And I still don't really know what that looks like. For now, I pack, move, and leave this stressful place. I declutter my responsibilities. I simplify. I create spaces to reflect (like these regular times to write out my thoughts). I text people when I remember to. But I will need to think about reading, praying, and all the other stuff at some point. 

I think it's like Maslow's hierarchy or something. I don't have brain power to think about loftier needs right now. I need to focus on the basics and get to a place where I'm comfortable enough to grow again.

I don't know if that made sense, but I think that's what I'm thinking right now?

Anyways,

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. I very intentionally didn't post yesterday so I don't feel bad if I skip a day here or there. I don't want to feel bad about taking a day off if I need it. This is supposed to be an encouraging time to think and relax mentally, not something to feel guilty about if I miss it. Anyways, I'm here. :) That's all I got right now. ;P

I'm Basically a Nomad

 Yo.

So, I'm preparing to move. Which, honestly, was a phrase I was kinda hoping I wouldn't be saying for a while. Starting May 2019 I had moved every 4 months until this September. I've been here since then. Not gonna lie, I reaaaaaaaally miss my place back 2 years ago. I was living with a guy I basically consider my best friend, in a really cool modern condo, in a really good part of town, working at a great Starbucks store, and my Masters was finally done. but I needed a change. I was tired and burnt out (sounds a little familiar eh?). So we left the city, gave our 2 months notice, and went to live with his parents for the summer.

God really provided in that move.

That's what I thought. That's how I saw things. With how quickly decisions had to be made we went from living in Ottawa with no changes one day, to preparing to leave the city in two weeks. I prepared to have no job for a few weeks or more. I cancelled payments to my TFSA. I prepared to have nothing for a bit. And as I was walking home from work early one day I got a call from my future boss who had previously said I could probably be transferred over as a barista. She called to inform me that she had talked to my current boss and was really in need of a supervisor that was focused on standards and routines and store operations (yo. that's me) and that she had a store that could use me for a couple weeks as I get added to the upcoming schedules. Yo. I'm moving and keeping my job at full pay, with shifts the week I arrive. Went from bankrupt to able to pay my two rents, and ended up making a good amount of savings that summer.

Anyways, lived at my parents' one semester. Moved in to where my roommate had been for a semester after he went back to Niagara (he only had one semester left). The world shut down in March, but me and one of my now current roommates had already planned a place to live for the summer (long story short, the lease wasn't renewed on the place we had been and he needed to live somewhere for 4 months before getting married). So, in May I moved to another place for the summer (he ended up in Toronto most of the summer with the option to work from home allowing him to). And in September I moved in here with my now current roommate. We looked at like 4 or 5 other places that were more my price point, but they were all reallllllll sketch. This place is nice. It's a little high for me, but the landlady could definitely charge more. It doesn't really have real issues. The main issue for me though, is my roommate.

So, and I'll state this upfront, he isn't a bad guy. He's a little quirky, but he is a good guy. He does a lot of good stuff for church and his family. He's working a job he doesn't really care that much for. He's got nothing to do outside the house because he's a coder and a gamer. So he's always on his computer. But when he's not, he's in the kitchen washing dishes, or cooking a fairly complex dinner at midnight. Ya. The thing that really makes us incompatible is our schedules. He's a 10-3 on the dot kinda guy and depending on the day I need to be up by 6, 8, or 10. Lately, it's 1-2 times a week I'm up at 6. That's 3 hours after he goes to bed. And like, he's generally not loud in his room (although the walls are fairly thin, he does speak more quietly when he knows I'm trying to sleep), but in the kitchen cooking full pot roasts and soups and casseroles at 11 or midnight when my door really doesn't keep much light or sound out is reallllly not helpful. He also tends to be extremely passive; lots of talking "to himself" but like only when I'm in earshot; or like hovering to see what I'm doing; or asking me really unnecessary questions like "how's the weather?" when I've been inside for 4 hours; or like not using his words just a lot of "hmmm?"s. And I have nowhere to get away from it.

I kept finding myself asking if I could stay here longer? Could I live with him longer? Would I rather live with strangers? Could I just talk to him and resolve these things?

I didn't want to.

And that's saying something, because I really don't want much these days. But I had built up a lot of anger towards him, and I just need to get away. So I started browsing some listings. Looked around. Sent some messages. Didn't expect much because I was planning to move in September, and was looking around in May. I expected that July would be a good time to really take it seriously. whenever I'd scroll on facebook I'd get the facebook market ads for places nearby that were similar to my previous searches. And so I sent off some more messages. I got a message back.

This place sounded pretty good. Good price. Great location. I'd have a couple more roommates, which is probably good for me. Oh, the lease starts in June, and did I mention I have a couple mice to bring with me? Might as well see it, but it's unlikely that I'll sign. It would really come down to meshing well with the 4 guys there. If I'm just an outsider among them it would be bad for sure. If they're pretty cool it could work, maybe.

Went to see the place one day before work. I took an extra shift, just in case I need to start paying extra rent. Did my due diligence as far as looking for mold under sinks and whatever. But I mainly needed to meet the guys. The one I had been messaging was out. The guy that manages the house showed me around, he was chill. Got back to the living room and another one of the guys was there. So I talked with the two of them for a bit. The third guy passed by briefly at one point. Apparently they'd all like gone to elementary school or something together way back and just happened to end up living together. They're all really chill guys that kinda just go with the flow. All four of them had been working from home as of late with government jobs. Pretty normal here in Ottawa. My room would be in the basement and share a bathroom with guy #3, who is the tidiest of the group. A little intimidating, but he seemed cool too. Ended up finding out that that second guy went to highschool with me when I was in grade 12; he was in grade 9 then. Small talk could only go so far and they needed to get back to work. I walked away pretty excited about it, but a little torn by the prospect of paying so much rent this summer. 

So I walked to work. I was like an hour early because I had expected to be at the house a bit longer. So I sat in the back and just talked to whoever was on break. They each had wondered why I was there so early, and, I had complained a fair amount about my current roommate, so I kinda just filled them all in on the house I had just seen. I was enthusiastically telling them about they guys, my connection to them through that guy in highschool, my mutual friends with the 4th guy I'd been messaging, how much rent I'd be saving monthly, how my bedroom would be bigger, how there were two living rooms, how there was like 4 times more counter space in the kitchen. I went on and on. I worked. I went home. I planned to sleep on it.

But then it hit me.

I'd been so excited about it that I literally talked about it for an hour. What would I do if it got sold before I got back to them? So I messaged him back and said I'm in if they're cool with me. I paid rent (wait a sec. I need to pay my current roommate. There.), got the key the other day, talked more with the 1st and 4th guys, made sure they were cool with my mice, and walked off into the sunset. ;P I could move any day. I looked it up, the car sharing program I'm signed up for has a small van available and it'd be way cheaper than renting a moving van.

So now it's really hit. I'm packing. I'm moving. I won't have to be mad at my roommate, or try in vain to hide from him. I can get a new start again.

I'm really excited to get to know my new four roommates and live in a bigger place. :)

Anyways, I gotta go sleep.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. I've been really into the whole Offline TV gang and got into their Among Us stuff this last year. It's led down a rabbit hole into listening to a whole bunch of streamers' personal music. Here's what I've been listening to while writing this, but like, a 1 hour version. ;P LilyPichu is pretty great. :3

My Feelings Are Valid

Yo.

Let's tangent for a bit shall we?

So, I'm a supervisor at Starbucks. I guess you don't know that yet eh? Last time I seriously blogged was 2016 / early 2017. In 2017 I was due to finish my 2-year Masters program in Toxicology. All I really needed was for a collaborator to run like one experiment for me to add like a second opinion that would further substantiate the point we were making. I honestly don't remember the details of that at this point. :P I had worked so hard on reading a million journal articles to write the introduction section for my thesis. Jeez. 

I burned all those papers.

 

Anyways, point being, that final experiment was being held up, soooooooo I had to extend my degree by another semester (In the end they never did that experiment and I basically didn't add anything more to the thesis. RIP). Problem being that I had only budgeted for the 2 years, not 2.5. :[ So, literally August is ending and September is days away and I have basically $0 in my bank account. I went downstairs and across the street with my laptop. I used the Starbucks' wifi from their patio and looked for some jobs I could apply for. I don't know what else I searched for, but I looked at McDonald's and Starbucks. I started messaging some of my previous bosses for references since McDonald's needed them. Starbucks did not need them in their application. So I submitted my resume and information. Figured I'd take a break and wait on references.

That afternoon I got a call: "Hey, I see that you live nearby and are willing to work early morning hours. Would you be willing to come in for an interview in a couple days?" 

I think it was only 10 days later I got the call back and was offered a job as a barista in one of the busiest stores in downtown Ottawa. I'm gonna skip ahead here, but for now just know I have had so many wonderful times at my first store. we got an amazing new boss a couple months after I was hired. The team was so good. I became a barista trainer. And not much more than a year as a barista, I promoted and became a supervisor at my store. I transferred to Niagara for summer 2019 and transferred back to Ottawa that September, but to a different store. 

My current store is a mall store and it is wild in its own ways. I love the opportunities I have to creatively problem solve, to work with an amazing team, and to something different everyday. The team I work with now has changed quite a bit over the last couple years. Can't believe it's been that long, honestly. Mostly things changed due to the pandemic. Our store closed. Student baristas left the city and have been doing online school. People moved. People got new jobs. Our store opened again. Almost every store in our district was permanently closed. A lot of people we transferred, took severance packages to pursue other options, or were laid off. It was a rough time for a lot of people. 

One week in late May or early June (I can't remember at this point) we were working at a different store (ours was still closed). Our coworkers who hadn't been working yet had to come back or be laid off. We were having a team meeting (fully masked and 2 meters apart) to give space for people to be real (and to get the new safety training). We were taking turns sharing and were trying to look at the bright side and be positive. One of my coworkers, who I really really respect broke that silence and expressed her anger. She was supposed to be in Montreal with her family (who had some respiratory conditions that made them potentially more susceptible to Covid) and boyfriend. (They actually got into the news for their themed dinners: globalnews.ca/news/6917202/finding-fun-coronavirus/). She was really upset and mad that she had to come back to work. And that's valid. At this point, looking back, things were so minor in general, but even then all of our worlds had been shaken and thrown off. It had been 2-3 months of isolation and separation. We had all made the most of it, but it was hard, and would get harder the longer it went on. A lot of sucky things have happened over the last two years. You can own that. I can own that. We don't have to pretend everything is fine. When she said it it started this kind of wave of tears. A number of other seriously terrible things got shared. If nothing else, over the last couple years I've always had my team there for me. They've been my closest friends most of the time.

One of my other coworkers I also seriously respect. They have taught me a lot of what it looks like to interact with and care for people who are very different from me. She identifies as bisexual and will frequently bring up various issues or topics that she feels needs to be addressed around her. She does drag and is fairly vocal about support for the LGBTQ+ community. There are so many people who come to our store that she has played a large part in connecting with and making our space friendly and inviting to them. I genuinely care for and love her as a friend and want what's best for her.

Lately there's been a lot of scheduling changes and things as we adapt to more or less business with more or less lockdown. Right now our store is open although it is within a closed mall. It's complex. The other day we had way too many people scheduled and I remarked that it honestly stresses me out more when I have 3 extra people, rather than when I have so much business that I need 3 more. I can push myself and do 3 people's worth of work for a time. I can't create work for people who are asking me for clarity on what position they should be working when all the positions are already filled. My coworker says something along the lines of "you've gotta stop complaining about having too many people. One of these days it's gonna be busier and you're gonna need them". To which I reply "yes, but my feelings are valid." :P She didn't really have a response. Of anyone in our store she should be one of the most strongly in agreement that no matter what you're feeling, it's valid.

In the moment, I was kinda joking. Like yes, I need to enjoy the quieter times while we still have them. But at the same time my feelings are valid.

And that sentence makes so little sense to me. 

I don't understand feelings. There are so few feelings that I fully comprehend and can explain. I spent so much time in my life trying to feel things I didn't. I tried to hide things I did feel. I wanted my feelings not to exist. I wanted to be normal and fit in with what is the average experience. I tuned out my emotions and now when I need to really think through how I feel and what I need it's so hard.

My feelings are valid and my struggle to understand them and the time it will take to unpack and give space to better understand them is ok.

Today I'm feeling tired. I'm paying rent in two places and am pretty tight on free cash. Not like in 2017, but I'm picking up extra shifts. I'm at the end of my ropes emotionally as I sort out what needs to end. And I'm pushing myself physically to accomplish what I need to to give me space to refocus and restart. At the same time, I just had a chat on the phone with a friend I haven't had the chance to talk to in a bit and we're both in similarly tired and empty places. Talking about those things drains me too.

I'm tired. 

That's valid.

I'll get more time and space to think and feel soon. It's ok.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

P.S. Thanks for being here. :P 

Next Chapter

Hey.

It's been a minute, eh? I've got a lot of stuff to say, and not a lot of brain power at the moment, but suffice to say that I'm gonna try to be here more regularly this season. I'll get into more details and things over the weeks maybe. I don't feel like getting into it all right now. But man. My self-image is vastly different than it was the last time I regularly wrote here.

This month I'm perhaps making the biggest changes to my life that I've made in a while. And I feel like that's saying a lot.

I feel like I've been asking the question "who am I?" and "what do I want?" for 2 years, if not more, and right now I'm so at the end of my understanding that I just need to change it all and think. 

I feel like that's why I've come back here. 

I feel like it'll be a good place to think. a good place to vent? to vocalize? to give space to think?

So much of my life the last year has been escapism. Tuning out not only the world, but the inner world too. The outside world has been on fire and I think we're almost getting back to semi-normalcy as things finally start to smolder down to the coals and become useful as a consistent heat source to make something new. the inner world that has been on fire might be getting to a similar place, but with no one working to figure out what to make of it. 

And maybe what I need is some time to think and reflect and to grow.

Over the years I've heard and offered that people should journal. It can be therapeutic. It can be healing. It can help in so many ways. I don't want to physically journal. I don't want to waste a notebook. :P I don't want something that years down the road will just be lost and forgotten. I wanted a place that I could look back and see who I was and who I became and Who helped me along the way. I think that's why I'm back too. To write down the next chapter and reflect on the last one, which hadn't been written down. When I write here I feel like there's a certain amount of censoring that I need to do, a certain amount of writing in euphemism, a certain amount of putting extra thought behind my words to communicate more than I normally do, but while maintaining a level of uncommunication that I prefer. I want to write vulnerably, and really get out what I need to get out. I want to write professionally. I want in some way for it to be useful, should someone find it. And previously that had been very important to me. But this season, I think I just need to write for me. 

So, welcome to the next chapter. Welcome, myself, to the next chapter. May it be a good one for us. And anyone else who joins us along the way, strap yourself in. It might get bumpy, and deep, and messy along the way. ;P

Ttyl.

D.Fa

P.S. I've got pet mice right now, and they are adorable, and should be preserved for future remembrance as well. :P Cam and Adi, who I'll probably explain at some point. 

P.P.S. They currently hate each other. But they're still cute individually. 

Matthew 4:4

Hey,

It's been a season or two. I've just returned from St. Catharine's where I was for the summer. I was honestly not really looking forward to coming back. It felt like when I left I was leaving all my problems behind, so the thought of coming back to them all seemed daunting and scary. But this week has been good so far. I feel like the thought I'm having the last couple days is that God sustains.

A habit I started while away was going to the gym. The basic thought of paying to run in place and lift heavy things that will just be put back is unappealing. However, the feeling of daily progressing towards a goal is great. And I have been making progress while I was away. The other real benefit was time to read. Taking the bus has always been my primary time to read since going to university, but I'd been driving around all summer to work and church and everything. But running on the spot gives you a lot of time to read and think. And you do actually start to notice you feel more irritable when you haven't been in a few days. ;P In any case, the point being, this is one thing that I feel is a good thing that God has given me to help through the transition. I'd been going to an Anytime Fitness, and if you are registered at one, you can use any of their locations anywhere at anytime. And one opened up down the hill from where I'm living while I was gone this summer.

Similarly, I've had a few days of work (which is always good and always makes me feel useful and like I'm actually accomplishing something). But it's actually so refreshing from work in the summer. I was working like 38-40 hours every week and it was a really high stress location where I was. It felt like there was never time to relax. Things were chaotic and there weren't too many people I could rely on. But at my new location (although it isn't my old location, which I dearly love, the place and all the people) everyone is so competent and cooperative. I look forward to working more with them and getting to know them. :3

Another thing, that I think is kinda weird, is that I find God speaks to me through pop songs a lot. All summer, driving, I'd had a lot of time to listen to the radio. And the more you listen to a song, the more you sing it, the more you meditate on the lyrics. (They also frequently talk about love, which makes it easy to connect to God's love and my need for Him). Honestly, I Don't Care by Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber is like one of my favourite songs to sing right now. I literally just sang it out loud at the gym while running (I'm real happy my new gym plays pop songs instead of classic rock. ;P). The gist of the song is that it doesn't really matter where we are, so long as you (my love; or you can read God) are with me, we'll be ok, we'll have a good time. And some of the lyrics speak deeper to me: you're making me feel like maybe I am somebody" or "you're making me feel like I'm loved by somebody". Which, those thoughts are things I think about a lot. Like am I worth anything? Can anybody really love me if they knew all my secrets and sin? But God sees past that all. He has loved me. He has shown me that. Even if no one else does (which isn't true anyways) He will always love me and be there for me.

That's kinda been my head all summer. I'd been pretty isolated and felt useless and like I was going nowhere and God gave me a message speaking exactly to me where I was at. Most of the summer the messages had been pretty meh, but this one used like all the verses that stick to my heart, spoke specifically to my situation running away from life into the isolating desert, and that God is still seeing me and caring for me and calling me home. If you want to give it a listen you can watch it here: God Who Sees Me. (and Meghan and her family was like the best part of the small group I was in this summer, but that's a story for another time).

Even yesterday a song got stuck in my head. And you know when like the chorus is so easy to get and the verses you barely know? Ya, this is one of those. I literally only know the prechorus and chorus. :P "You said hey whatcha doing for the rest of your life And I said I don’t even know what I’m doing tonight ... and you said I never regretted the day that I called you mine". And I get that just from that it's a bit of a stretch, but I started thinking "what am I doing tonight? I don't even know. I don't have a plan for my future. I don't know where I'm going." and that line "and you said I never regretted that day that I called you mine" just got stuck in my head and made me think again about myself and how I frequently feel like I'm not good enough for God, or like I've wasted the last few years or like have no solid plans for the future, but God has called me his. LT way back on the day I was baptized said that day was great not just because I was saying "God is my God" but because it also meant God was saying "You are mine". And God says "I will never leave or forsake you." If He has called me His, He has no regrets. He knew everything that would happen after that day and somehow He still loves me. And like, I know those things, but reflecting on it from a stupid pop song somehow just gets deeper sometimes than hearing it from a page of the Bible. : /

I was walking home from the gym praying. Looking at the blue sky and the rain-soaked ground and breathing the fresh air thinking "God thank you for all you provide. Everything a tree needs, rain, air, sun. You do that for me too." Then I got home and read a book I'm going through. It's like studying a verse a day for like personal devotion time. It was Psalm 1:2-3 "But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."

It's the little words.
It's the perfect coincidences.
It's the feeling of comfort and familiarity even in large transition.
It's a faithfulness that blows me away.
It's only by the words that come from God's mouth that what little faith I have can be sustained and used to encourage others and bring Him glory and give me true joy and delight in following Him.

That's what I'm thinking today anyway.
#thankful

D.Fa







PS. Just went to go link the music video for I Don't Care and watched it for the first time. My goodness. This is an insanely funny editing job. ;P

Light in the Darkness

God is faithful.

Even in the midst of our darkest times, He shows up. He calls out. He proclaims salvation to the broken and to the hopeless He makes a way.

God gave me the chance to go to Urbana 2018 last December and if I hadn't gone I don't know where I would be now. But that's a story for another time. ;P One thing though: we were studying the book of Revelation. And one session we were looking at Revelation 18 and focusing on the call in verse 4: "Then I heard another voice from heaven saying, “Come out of [Babylon], my people, lest you take part in her sins, lest you share in her plagues."" From the study and context it is not Babylon literally, so much as figuratively. To the churches Revelation was written to, Babylon was the Roman Empire and various aspects of the culture they felt compelled to compromise with in order to prosper or gain some sort of benefit, whether it was trade guild idolatry, or other things which would allow them to fit in rather than face persecution or exclusion. Reflecting on that we were called to think through what ways we compromise with the world and culture around us and how we need to repent and turn back to God and His ways (in light of who Jesus was revealed to be and His worth :P).

Anyways, in light of that thought, my interaction with my coworkers the other day has drawn me to reflect on God's graces and mercies.

We were having a board game potluck night thing at a coworker's condo. Lots of talking. Lots of food. Good times. Our boss was there too. She's the best. :D We played code names and had lots of fun. Later when people were leaving a game that had been on the table all night was brought up to be played. "Cards Against Humanity". :P It's a pretty bad game. Really not appropriate content for younger people. It's essentially an adult version of "Apples to Apples", but like, really bad, mostly sexual content. Reaaaaaaally not life-giving or enriching in any way. I knew it was bad, but I had never played, and thought, well, if no one else was going to play somethign else, I might as well play? 

I think I probably should have said no. :/ Even if it meant being a little weird, it may have been a better idea. We are called out of Babylon. Not to stand at the edges. What happened to Lot? His heart slowly was drawn to the things of Sodom and he lost his wife and everything he thought was worth pursuing. 

The grace though. One of the cards was "what makes life worth living?" and I had "The Holy Bible" in my hand. :] I didn't care that I wouldn't win that round. I had to do it. God is what makes life meaningful. Had I never read of His faithfulness and all He had done through the cross to bring me true life I don't know what I'd be doing. His faithfulness to call me out of the darkness is so much greater than I frequently see and so much more than I can imagine. I pray He uses the time I spent building relationship for His glory and even the testimony the next time when I say I'd rather not play to speak truth and love to them.

May I have eyes to see Him and ears to hear Him everyday. :]

D.Fa

Lead Us Not Into Temptation, But Deliver Us From Evil

Feb 18, 2018

Over the last couple months we’ve been going through the classic passage on prayer from Matthew 6, the Lord’s prayer, looking at the larger meaning and concepts behind each segment. We’ve looked at everything from praying together with and for others, to our position as children of God through the cross, to God’s greatness and His Kingdom to be established, to our daily need for provision and forgiveness that flows out to others. Today we will be tackling the last major chunk in the prayer: And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

What is this temptation? What does it mean to not be lead into it? What does it mean to be delivered from evil? And what was our example in Jesus? This is where we are going today and pretty much all the scriptures quoted will appear on the screen.

But first let’s pray. (Pray: Thanks that we have an example. Thanks that we have a guide. Thanks for the scriptures. Lead us into understanding and knowing His strength in our lives.)

So, first,

(1.) What is temptation?

The words we translate as a temptation in the Bible generally imply a test of faith of some sort with there being three general uses:

1)    Testing of God’s faithfulness (as in Exo17:7 “And he called the name of the place Massah … because they tested the Lord by saying, “Is the Lord among us or not?”).

2)    A “trial”; a test of our faithfulness (as in James 1:2-3 Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.)

3)    “Temptation”; an enticement to sin (as in 1 Tim 6:9 “But those who desire to be rich fall into temptation, into a snare, into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction.”)

In this prayer the meaning can be determined largely by the context of the following phrase “but deliver us from evil”. A passage in James 1:12-17 makes the comparison of these different types more clear:

James 1:12-17 Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him. Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death. Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.

Concerning the first type of trial, the testing of God’s faithfulness, this passage states “there is no variation or shadow due to change” or in another translations there is no shadow of turning with God, great is His faithfulness. For those who have become sons and daughters through faith in the cross, and as much as we try God’s patience and love, He waits and nothing can separate us from His love. From the Lord’s prayer this is clearly not the temptation mentioned, especially since we are to pray for us to not be led into temptation, not God.

As for second type, trials, the passage says “blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial”, they “will receive the crown of life”, “every good gift … is from above”. As His children God sends trials that are good and meant to further establish our faith as we trust in His provision. Peter in his first letter says “In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” (1Pet1:6-7) These trials are for our benefit and for God’s praise and glory. Although we may not always enjoy the trials in the moment, they are ultimately a good gift, and definitely not an evil to be delivered from.

Thus, we come to the third definition, temptation to sin. This takes up the bulk of the passage in James: James 1:13-15 “Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.” Here we see clearly that both God cannot be tempted to evil, He is the father of lights with no darkness or shadow within Him; but also that God does not tempt, clearly opposed to the trials that He may send. We also see the biggest reason why we need to pray against temptation: if we walk into temptation, if we stay in temptation, we are all the more likely to give into temptation as it leads towards sin. If we continue to remain there rather than turning and going back to God, sin then grows and leads to destruction. This is the temptation we are to pray against. This is the danger being warned against here: sin and destruction which flow from temptation.

A definition given by John Owen¹ states that temptation is “any thing, state, way, or condition that, on any account whatever, has a force or efficacy to seduce — to draw the mind and heart of a man away from the obedience which God requires of him, into any sin, in any degree whatever.” Let me say that again. Temptation is “any thing, state, way, or condition that, on any account whatever, has a force or efficacy to seduce — to draw the mind and heart of a man away from the obedience which God requires of him, into any sin, in any degree whatever.”

¹ John Owen. 1658. Of Temptation: The Nature and Power of it; The Danger of Entering into it; and the Means of Preventing that Danger: with a Resolution of Various Cases Belonging to it.

That is the temptation we are to pray against, temptation that draws our minds and hearts away from obedience to God, and leads us into any sin; temptation that leads to choosing disobedience and making other things more important than God in our daily lives.

This is what we need to both pray against being led into, and deliverance from it daily. This temptation can come from various places, and will look different from person to person, but generally come from three places or combinations thereof: the devil (spiritual attack); the fallen world around us (and other people); and our flesh (indwelling sin). We see this in various passages in the Bible, especially concisely in Ephesians 2:1-3:

1 Peter 5:8 “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.”

James 4:4 “You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.”

Romans 7:17-18 “So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.”

“And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience— among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.” Ephesians 2:1-3

Whether from the world, from the devil, or from the flesh, giving into temptation and living a life of walking in sin results in destruction; broken relationships, emptiness, ultimately the wrath of God.

Continuing in Ephesians 2 we see the truth that ultimately removes wrath from all who believe: “But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved— … For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” (Eph 2:4-6,8-10)

Through the cross, even though we had all sinned and been deserving of wrath and destruction, God made a way for us to be made alive. Through Jesus’ death and resurrection on the cross the power of sin and death was defeated. By trusting in Jesus’ atoning sacrifice we can be forgiven. The wrath of God, poured out on the cross. This, not by any power of our own, but through the power of God. And now that we are alive in Him, we are freed to walk in the purposes God has for each of us. We are freed to “walk in the light, as he is in the light” resulting in “fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleans[ing] us from all sin.” (1 John 1:7) As the workmanship of God He has prepared good works for us to walk in. This is where temptation arises. Although freed from sin, we are now still tempted to turn our back on God and what He has done for us and choose sin.

Now that we know what temptation is as well as where it comes from,

2. What does it mean to pray “lead us not into temptation”?

As we’ve already seen, God does not tempt us. So, why pray for Him to lead us not into temptation? It is a prayer of reliance on God. If we only got here because of all God has done, how can we stop trusting in Him? How could we now expect to do it ourselves?² Ultimately God leads our every step³, even as the enemy, the world, and our flesh seeks to tempt us at every turn. This here in the first part of the verse is proactive prayer. Prayer against falling into future temptation. Prayer for God to guard us as temptation comes from all sides.

² Gal 3:3 “Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?”

³ Prov 20:24 “A man’s steps are from the Lord”; Psalm 119:105 “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.”; Rom 8:14 “For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God.”

On this subject John Piper writes:

“Every step we take is a step into the presence of temptation. There is no moment of your life that is not a moment of temptation—a moment when unbelief and disobedience is not a possibility.

The Lord’s prayer does not teach us to pray against that kind of sovereign guidance.

What it teaches us to pray is that the temptation does not take us in. Don’t lead me into temptation. Deliver me from this evil that is set before me.

Today I will stand before innumerable temptations. That’s what life is: endless choices between belief and unbelief, obedience and disobedience. But, O mighty God, forbid that I would yield. Hold me back from stepping inside the temptation.” Bind my wandering heart to thee!

Ultimately our call is to love God with all we have and to love our neighbours as ourselves (Mark 12:30-31) as we walk in the light. Daily many things will suggest and draw us towards idolatry or selfish ambitions to love ourselves instead of those we are called to love. We need God’s strength to win against temptation, to flee, to resist, to worship God.

In addition to praying against temptation, for God to give us divine protection from falling into it, praying for the opposite of temptation is a logical extension: not just praying NOT to be lead into temptation, but also praying TO be lead into times of deeper faithfulness and joy in God that temptation would lose its power to entice us.

Psalm 19:13 “Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me! Then I shall be blameless, and innocent of great transgression.”

Psalm 139:23-24 “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”

Psalm 25:5 “Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.”

Psalm 143:10 “Teach me to do your will, for you are my God! Let your good Spirit lead me on level ground!”

May He lead us. May He guide us in that way everlasting as He roots out evil in our lives. May we trust His ways and His love are better than anything the world could tempt us with (Psa 63:3)!

Luther in his smaller catechism states:

“God surely tempts no one to sin, but we pray in this petition that God would guard and keep us, so that the devil, the world and our flesh may not deceive us or lead us into false belief, despair and other great and shameful sins; and though we are tempted by them, we pray that we may overcome and win the victory.”

Our duty then in the first half of the verse is as Christ had stated elsewhere (Matthew 26:41) “Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” We need to do our part in avoiding temptation, to be on alert for any sign that temptation is approaching us, so that there would be less chance for us to fall in and allow temptation to have a grip on our hearts. And we are to pray, daily, ultimately relying on God’s strength to work through us in this endeavor.

As part of this alert watching we need to know ourselves, know our weakness, be willing to admit our weaknesses, and be willing to ask God for strength. Paul warns to those at Corinth (1 Cor 10:12) “Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.” And to the Galatians “But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.” (Gal 5:16). To the Ephesians: (Ephesians 6:10,18b) “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might … To that end, keep alert with all perseverance, making supplication for all the saints”

Now we know what temptation is, and to pray proactively before temptation draws us in. So now,

3. What does it mean for us to pray “deliver us from evil”?

The reality is that even as we watch and pray against temptation there will be times where we are drawn in. This is the first reason we need to cry out for deliverance. God is powerful and mighty to save us. For:

“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” (1 Cor 10:13)

And “the Lord knows how to rescue the godly from trials, and to keep the unrighteous under punishment until the day of judgment” (2 Pet 2:9)

God faithfully promises He will provide when we call upon Him. He will provide a way out. Although our ability runs short, He provides by His Spirit greater ability yet to love Him above all else. In other passages yet the Word says that the Spirit of God, the one who raised Christ from the dead, He is in us and is stronger than the enemy. And do not get me wrong, the enemy is very strong. On our own we would lose, but God is with us to the end of the age when every enemy is struck down and His Kingdom is fully established.

Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. (1 John 4:4)

“If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.” (Rom 8:11)

“and the devil who had deceived them was thrown into the lake of fire and sulfur where the beast and the false prophet were, and they will be tormented day and night forever and ever.” (Rev 20:10)

This, the establishment of His Kingdom, is the second reason we cry out for deliverance. The world as it is now is fallen and the devil rules as the prince of the power of the air (Eph2:2), the god of this world (2 Cor 4:4). But God has assured ultimate victory in this war through the cross. The Kingdom of God is forcefully advancing in the hearts of men and women worldwide. The enemy cannot stop it.

“After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number, from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, and crying out with a loud voice, “Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!” … “And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” (Rev 7:9-10, 21:3-4)

On this I would love to discuss more fully especially as it presents itself as a second layer to the entirety of the Lord’s prayer: praying for the Kingdom to come and God’s name to be praised and exalted as He rightfully deserves as He frees men and women from the power of darkness in this world. We are to participate in this battle for the Kingdom through prayer (2 Cor 10:3-5) as well as the sharing of the good news of Christ, though we were dead in our sins and deserving of wrath, He has made a way for all to come to know Him through the cross, through the payment of our sins on Christ. And more so He has a purpose for us and will provide for us to walk in the light He calls us to.

God is ultimate in power and His deliverance for us will come when we cry out in the midst of temptation as well as for ultimate deliverance of the nations in the age to come.

As Luther put it in his smaller catechism concerning deliver us from evil: “We pray in this petition, in summary, that our Father in heaven would rescue us from every evil of body and soul, possessions and reputation, and finally, when our last hour comes, give us a blessed end, and graciously take us from this valley of sorrow to Himself in heaven.”

A two-fold deliverance, now and in the age to come.

So we know what temptation is, to pray proactively, and reactively against it, trusting fully in God’s power now in this age. On a final note,

4. What was Jesus’ example?

Cause that is really the make or break point. If the one we are to follow and emulate didn’t live this out, why should we? If He says we should pray like this, did it apply to Him also? Absolutely.

When Jesus was on earth he was tempted throughout His ministry, with the greatest series of temptations recorded at the beginning of His ministry when He was led by the Spirit into the wilderness, where the devil tempted Him (Matt 4:1-11). Jesus was tempted by the devil concerning bodily desire, world fame, and the personal glory He would obtain through the cross. In each case, Jesus trusted in God’s plan and patiently fought back with truth of scripture. Later when Peter would try to talk Him out of going to the cross Jesus rebuked that thought stating that Peter was “not setting [his] mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.” (Matt 16:23).

But Jesus was adamant. He was patient. He was alert to any inclination of temptation. He prayed ceaselessly. (1 Pet 2:22-24) “He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed.”

Because He rejected temptation at every point, all can turn and receive God’s graces. Because he now lives and His Spirit in us, we are alive and can follow in His footsteps. “Because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.” (Heb 2:18)

This was Jesus’ example: faithfulness through every temptation and trial. He was tempted in every respect as we are, yet was without sin. “Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (Heb 4:15-16)

Though temptation to evil be all around, we can pray for God to guard us from falling into it and to lead us in His ways instead, we can pray for deliverance when we do fall into temptation and for the ultimate deliverance as His Kingdom comes defeating all enemies, in Christ we have a Brother who is always there to help us.

Oh God,

(Psalm 143:9-12) “Deliver [us] from [our] enemies, O Lord! [We] have fled to you for refuge. Teach [us] to do your will, for you are [our] God! Let your good Spirit lead [us] on level ground! For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve [our lives]! In your righteousness bring [our souls] out of trouble! And in your steadfast love you will cut off [our] enemies, and you will destroy all the adversaries of [our souls], for [we are] your servant[s].”

[Pray for us.]