I'm sorry. I like you.

Ok.

I've been thinking about this one quite a bit. Brought back a bunch of memories I had kinda forgotten. ;P

So, here's the thing. I've spent so much of my life knowing that I'm attracted to guys, but feeling like I need to absolutely shut it down. And like, the closer I get to someone emotionally, the more I like them. So I've had a few crushes over the years on close friends or coworkers.

So many days working side by side thinking other things. And playing mental obstacle courses to keep myself from feeling the things I was feeling. :/ Knowing there was no way anything could happen. If anyone found out it would all be over. How could I make sure no one got hurt? How could I try something and then walk away still friends and having no one ever find out anything had happened? What if they don't feel the same and I just embarrass myself? What if I like it? How do I go back? How do I undo? What if I regret it after? What if I regret not every doing anything?

And so the internal war raged again and again. Back and forth. On and on. Making no progress either way. 

To choose to act would be to risk everything I'd hidden and the future I'd protected.
To choose to remain silent would risk never learning the things my heart had longed for, good or bad.

So, one summer, in a remote city, far removed from family and friends, with a coworker who was basically exactly my type at the time, who was pretty clearly gay, my head was extremely conflicted. Everything was exactly as it needed to be for me to just tell him how I felt and see if anything went anywhere.

So I spent the entire summer thinking about it and playing out scenarios and contemplating and going to church and pretending everything was fine. Acting normal while tearing myself apart internally.

And then here I was one night at like 9 pm, completely convicted that I needed to publicize my story. Tell the world I was gay, but choosing Jesus. I needed to type it out and make it real. The power went out. The buses weren't running. I walked like 30 minutes to a place that had electricity and typed it out. It was a wild night.

So, I told my one coworker who I'd been going to the gym with almost everyday: hey. what would you think if I said I was gay? That sentence. Frig. It caused me so much anxiety. Not just that one time, but every time I said it over the coming few months. The time I was scared to say it and the times I felt arrogant about it. Proud that I was using it for God, or like, arrogant cause I thought I knew how people would react and was gonna break their expectations. idk. It was a crazy time. I don't know how I feel about it right now. Anyways, I don't think he really cared. lol.

So, it was like the end of the summer, I've got this big plan to like use this story to share the gospel. I like, bring the guy I like to lunch with the friend I've been bringing to church and like, tell him about my story, I think? Later that day, or maybe the next day, I asked the guy I liked to talk over lunch. It wasn't the words "I'm sorry. I like you." but that was how it felt was "sorry I've been keeping it a secret. I don't hate you. god doesn't hate you. or whatever. Sorry, I've had a crush on you the whole summer" and whatever else cheesy thing I said. He was always pretty shy, so like, I don't think he really said anything meaningful. We really weren't good friends. :P He was always out doing other things in the evenings. I thought he might have a boyfriend somewhere. Idk. It was a strange day for sure. I messaged him like once or twice afterwards. But really, we were barely friends.

How different would my summer have been if I'd talked to him early on? Probably not that different. He wasn't interested in me.

I don't want to say I'm sorry anymore for what I feel. Idk what I want to do about it. But I want to be real and honest. I don't want to go to my bed and pretend thoughts don't exist. Obviously, not all thoughts should be acted upon. And I guess that's where the battle lies. In acknowledging reality and being okay with its existence, but being strong enough to choose what to do and when to tell others or ask for help? 

We'll see how this goes. I'm not sure if I'm in over my head right now, and I'm not sure where it's going, but I'm currently very interested in figuring out what's happening, and what could be.

Am I happy right now? I'll tell you later I guess?

D.Fa

PS. Heard this song at the gym the other day. I think it was actually some sort of remix of this song, but no one was around and I started singing it and was like "yo. Is this Coldplay?" and it was. :P

What Do I Want?

Yo

So, I was super confused earlier. I had spent the whole morning at work, then the gym, then just wasting time at home. Lately I haven't been very concerned or convicted for that matter about sin. I know I'm making choices I wouldn't have, or at least would have struggled with more previously. But then here I was thinking "Oh. I should see if roommate T is interested in coming to play board games with SC and whoever else is there. Then he'll get some interaction with some cool Christian guys who really believe in the gospel. :)"

Like.

Wait a second.

What am I doing here? Am I escaping the systems of accountability I had set up, or am I here to bring all my roommates to Christ? I literally have been making not great decisions all week, and here my brain is automatically thinking about how to best invite my roommates into safe spaces to be more open to trusting and listening to Christians about Jesus. What the heck?

Literally, a month ago or something a coworker asked me something like "do you believe in God?" and I kinda just said "I'm not sure." Now /That/ hit me. Basically any time other than right now and before grade 12 I wouldn't have answered like that. I would have had a bunch of things to say, a bunch of questions to ask, my brain would be thinking about all the possible flow charts of where the conversation could go, I'd be telepathically praying, etc. But instead I said "I don't know if I (fully) believe in God right now." Oof.

The other day roommate J had a friend over to watch the UFC fights that were happening. They had found a sketchy website to avoid paying to watch it. He had bet money on the fights. There was a bong, a couple vape pens, nicotine spray, whisky, beer, comments about the female fighters' butts. Not a situation I'm used to. But again, my brain is saying "act cool. you need to win his trust before you can win him to Christ. don't come off like you're above substance use. don't jump in. just be cool".

What do I want?

Is it just that I have so ingrained these thought patterns and plans into my brain that I fall back on them when I'm in new situations? Is it because I'm out of my last place where I was basically always angry about something and just having that weight lifted off me has let me get back to this? I literally have said the phrase "I don't feel qualified to share the gospel with anyone right now" so freaking many times the last couple years. I feel like my life is so low and like, not at all a role model life, like, not that all sin can't be forgiven, but actively and willingly walking into sin isn't the place to be. How can I say to someone "you need to repent, turn from your sin, and ask for forgiveness" when I'm over here doubting God's supreme goodness, not caring about living a life of purity, actively looking into substances that are now available and legal when I probably shouldn't, never praying, never reading my Bible. Like. If there was ever a time for my heart to be like "just chill out. now's not the time. you can just relax." why instead do I fall into patterns of "we need to keep this course and keep a good reputation and deepen these roommate relationships and look for opportunities to meaningfully share the gospel"? Like, what is this? 

What is this?

What is my heart?

What.

And then, question 2, where do I go from here?

I could easily just quit all these thoughts and default to apathy about it. I could also do a bit of a 180 and clean up and be vulnerable and work hard to believe the freeness of grace in Christ and start over new. 

Gosh.

How do I make decisions like these? How can I?