What Do I Want?

Yo

So, I was super confused earlier. I had spent the whole morning at work, then the gym, then just wasting time at home. Lately I haven't been very concerned or convicted for that matter about sin. I know I'm making choices I wouldn't have, or at least would have struggled with more previously. But then here I was thinking "Oh. I should see if roommate T is interested in coming to play board games with SC and whoever else is there. Then he'll get some interaction with some cool Christian guys who really believe in the gospel. :)"

Like.

Wait a second.

What am I doing here? Am I escaping the systems of accountability I had set up, or am I here to bring all my roommates to Christ? I literally have been making not great decisions all week, and here my brain is automatically thinking about how to best invite my roommates into safe spaces to be more open to trusting and listening to Christians about Jesus. What the heck?

Literally, a month ago or something a coworker asked me something like "do you believe in God?" and I kinda just said "I'm not sure." Now /That/ hit me. Basically any time other than right now and before grade 12 I wouldn't have answered like that. I would have had a bunch of things to say, a bunch of questions to ask, my brain would be thinking about all the possible flow charts of where the conversation could go, I'd be telepathically praying, etc. But instead I said "I don't know if I (fully) believe in God right now." Oof.

The other day roommate J had a friend over to watch the UFC fights that were happening. They had found a sketchy website to avoid paying to watch it. He had bet money on the fights. There was a bong, a couple vape pens, nicotine spray, whisky, beer, comments about the female fighters' butts. Not a situation I'm used to. But again, my brain is saying "act cool. you need to win his trust before you can win him to Christ. don't come off like you're above substance use. don't jump in. just be cool".

What do I want?

Is it just that I have so ingrained these thought patterns and plans into my brain that I fall back on them when I'm in new situations? Is it because I'm out of my last place where I was basically always angry about something and just having that weight lifted off me has let me get back to this? I literally have said the phrase "I don't feel qualified to share the gospel with anyone right now" so freaking many times the last couple years. I feel like my life is so low and like, not at all a role model life, like, not that all sin can't be forgiven, but actively and willingly walking into sin isn't the place to be. How can I say to someone "you need to repent, turn from your sin, and ask for forgiveness" when I'm over here doubting God's supreme goodness, not caring about living a life of purity, actively looking into substances that are now available and legal when I probably shouldn't, never praying, never reading my Bible. Like. If there was ever a time for my heart to be like "just chill out. now's not the time. you can just relax." why instead do I fall into patterns of "we need to keep this course and keep a good reputation and deepen these roommate relationships and look for opportunities to meaningfully share the gospel"? Like, what is this? 

What is this?

What is my heart?

What.

And then, question 2, where do I go from here?

I could easily just quit all these thoughts and default to apathy about it. I could also do a bit of a 180 and clean up and be vulnerable and work hard to believe the freeness of grace in Christ and start over new. 

Gosh.

How do I make decisions like these? How can I?

Emotions

I literally don't understand them.

Like, actually. Through the course of today I went from feeling tired, to feeling grief and sadness, to feeling guilty, to feeling suuuuuper mad, to feeling super fearful, judgmental, lonely, it goes on. So many feelings. So little time. And so little understanding of why they were there and what they meant and how I can deal with them.

I think I need some sleep.

So, I moved. Past tense. Completed. Today my last roommate helped move my box spring and that was the last thing. And y'know, it's honestly pretty annoying. The last week he's been like the best roommate. I don't know what the difference is. Why this week? What did I do? What is prompting him to act like a human being? The first day I had moved most things I eventually laid down and went to sleep. The next day was great. I felt so free and at peace. I'd removed myself from this situation that constantly made me angry and mad. But then I started thinking more about what it meant to him. In the course of like 4 weeks I went from "I'm looking at places" one day. To "I'm moving to that place" the next. To "I'm moving sometime next month". To "oh actually I think I'm moving this week". To "Oh, I'm moving today." And too bad for him. I'm out. What does it matter to him? Did I improve his life in any way? I hated so many little things and was pretty passive aggressive about them. I don't think I did anything of value for him. So much of the time I tried to avoid him. I answered almost every single question he asked with sarcasm or non-answers. 

But this week he's great.

Could I have avoided all of this if I had just been a bit mature and owned up to my actions and communicated honestly with him?

Maybe. Maybe not. I literally don't want to see him for like a few months if possible. I want to remove him from my facebook friends. I want to remove any indicator that we could have been good roommates. I'm past it. I'm moving on.

And I think that's part of what's making me so guilty about it, mad at myself. I literally spent like 2 hours just talking to my one roommate T (the one who lives in the basement with me). He was just reading a book outside, so I went and asked him questions. We talked about so many random things (he did a 45-day trip to Japan in 2015. yo. sign me up.) I legit don't think I've talked to my last roommate more than like 2 minutes at a time over the entire like 9 months. We went to dinner once at a mutual friend couple's house. My mindset was "I need to pretend to tolerate this guy for the next 3 hours". Like what the heck is that? I barely know roommate T and like I want to know more. I want to be reliable for him. I want to be able to talk openly with him. I also want to just hang with roommate J. I'm like trying to brainstorm things we could do together. 

The comparison of mental attitudes is just so stark. Why?

But I'm here now. and I'm rolling with the punches. I'm trying to get my old roommate a new roommate. And he's just as complaining about the whole process as he was about everything. "This is going so fast." Ya man. There's only like 78 days until either you are evicted or someone moves in. 2 months is the legal notice I need to give, so basically everyone looking for a house should ideally have their plans made 2 months in advance. This is the window. This is when everyone is looking and everyone is posting options.

I kinda wish it was normal for me to be physically violent when I'm mad. Then it would get across.

Instead I'm stuck in this weird zone of never really revealing how mad I am and just pretending I'm not and no one gets it. 

I mean, I don't get it. Most anger seems petty to me. When is it not? I don't know where the line is drawn. Maybe I'm sheltered. Maybe I've spent too much of my life trying to please everyone around me and fit in and not stir the pot. I don't fight for me. Maybe that's why I'm here. Maybe that's why this tornado of emotions leaks out sometimes. Maybe that's why I have no idea what I feel, or how I should feel, or what I should do if I feel that way.

Whatever.

D.Fa

I'm Basically a Nomad

 Yo.

So, I'm preparing to move. Which, honestly, was a phrase I was kinda hoping I wouldn't be saying for a while. Starting May 2019 I had moved every 4 months until this September. I've been here since then. Not gonna lie, I reaaaaaaaally miss my place back 2 years ago. I was living with a guy I basically consider my best friend, in a really cool modern condo, in a really good part of town, working at a great Starbucks store, and my Masters was finally done. but I needed a change. I was tired and burnt out (sounds a little familiar eh?). So we left the city, gave our 2 months notice, and went to live with his parents for the summer.

God really provided in that move.

That's what I thought. That's how I saw things. With how quickly decisions had to be made we went from living in Ottawa with no changes one day, to preparing to leave the city in two weeks. I prepared to have no job for a few weeks or more. I cancelled payments to my TFSA. I prepared to have nothing for a bit. And as I was walking home from work early one day I got a call from my future boss who had previously said I could probably be transferred over as a barista. She called to inform me that she had talked to my current boss and was really in need of a supervisor that was focused on standards and routines and store operations (yo. that's me) and that she had a store that could use me for a couple weeks as I get added to the upcoming schedules. Yo. I'm moving and keeping my job at full pay, with shifts the week I arrive. Went from bankrupt to able to pay my two rents, and ended up making a good amount of savings that summer.

Anyways, lived at my parents' one semester. Moved in to where my roommate had been for a semester after he went back to Niagara (he only had one semester left). The world shut down in March, but me and one of my now current roommates had already planned a place to live for the summer (long story short, the lease wasn't renewed on the place we had been and he needed to live somewhere for 4 months before getting married). So, in May I moved to another place for the summer (he ended up in Toronto most of the summer with the option to work from home allowing him to). And in September I moved in here with my now current roommate. We looked at like 4 or 5 other places that were more my price point, but they were all reallllllll sketch. This place is nice. It's a little high for me, but the landlady could definitely charge more. It doesn't really have real issues. The main issue for me though, is my roommate.

So, and I'll state this upfront, he isn't a bad guy. He's a little quirky, but he is a good guy. He does a lot of good stuff for church and his family. He's working a job he doesn't really care that much for. He's got nothing to do outside the house because he's a coder and a gamer. So he's always on his computer. But when he's not, he's in the kitchen washing dishes, or cooking a fairly complex dinner at midnight. Ya. The thing that really makes us incompatible is our schedules. He's a 10-3 on the dot kinda guy and depending on the day I need to be up by 6, 8, or 10. Lately, it's 1-2 times a week I'm up at 6. That's 3 hours after he goes to bed. And like, he's generally not loud in his room (although the walls are fairly thin, he does speak more quietly when he knows I'm trying to sleep), but in the kitchen cooking full pot roasts and soups and casseroles at 11 or midnight when my door really doesn't keep much light or sound out is reallllly not helpful. He also tends to be extremely passive; lots of talking "to himself" but like only when I'm in earshot; or like hovering to see what I'm doing; or asking me really unnecessary questions like "how's the weather?" when I've been inside for 4 hours; or like not using his words just a lot of "hmmm?"s. And I have nowhere to get away from it.

I kept finding myself asking if I could stay here longer? Could I live with him longer? Would I rather live with strangers? Could I just talk to him and resolve these things?

I didn't want to.

And that's saying something, because I really don't want much these days. But I had built up a lot of anger towards him, and I just need to get away. So I started browsing some listings. Looked around. Sent some messages. Didn't expect much because I was planning to move in September, and was looking around in May. I expected that July would be a good time to really take it seriously. whenever I'd scroll on facebook I'd get the facebook market ads for places nearby that were similar to my previous searches. And so I sent off some more messages. I got a message back.

This place sounded pretty good. Good price. Great location. I'd have a couple more roommates, which is probably good for me. Oh, the lease starts in June, and did I mention I have a couple mice to bring with me? Might as well see it, but it's unlikely that I'll sign. It would really come down to meshing well with the 4 guys there. If I'm just an outsider among them it would be bad for sure. If they're pretty cool it could work, maybe.

Went to see the place one day before work. I took an extra shift, just in case I need to start paying extra rent. Did my due diligence as far as looking for mold under sinks and whatever. But I mainly needed to meet the guys. The one I had been messaging was out. The guy that manages the house showed me around, he was chill. Got back to the living room and another one of the guys was there. So I talked with the two of them for a bit. The third guy passed by briefly at one point. Apparently they'd all like gone to elementary school or something together way back and just happened to end up living together. They're all really chill guys that kinda just go with the flow. All four of them had been working from home as of late with government jobs. Pretty normal here in Ottawa. My room would be in the basement and share a bathroom with guy #3, who is the tidiest of the group. A little intimidating, but he seemed cool too. Ended up finding out that that second guy went to highschool with me when I was in grade 12; he was in grade 9 then. Small talk could only go so far and they needed to get back to work. I walked away pretty excited about it, but a little torn by the prospect of paying so much rent this summer. 

So I walked to work. I was like an hour early because I had expected to be at the house a bit longer. So I sat in the back and just talked to whoever was on break. They each had wondered why I was there so early, and, I had complained a fair amount about my current roommate, so I kinda just filled them all in on the house I had just seen. I was enthusiastically telling them about they guys, my connection to them through that guy in highschool, my mutual friends with the 4th guy I'd been messaging, how much rent I'd be saving monthly, how my bedroom would be bigger, how there were two living rooms, how there was like 4 times more counter space in the kitchen. I went on and on. I worked. I went home. I planned to sleep on it.

But then it hit me.

I'd been so excited about it that I literally talked about it for an hour. What would I do if it got sold before I got back to them? So I messaged him back and said I'm in if they're cool with me. I paid rent (wait a sec. I need to pay my current roommate. There.), got the key the other day, talked more with the 1st and 4th guys, made sure they were cool with my mice, and walked off into the sunset. ;P I could move any day. I looked it up, the car sharing program I'm signed up for has a small van available and it'd be way cheaper than renting a moving van.

So now it's really hit. I'm packing. I'm moving. I won't have to be mad at my roommate, or try in vain to hide from him. I can get a new start again.

I'm really excited to get to know my new four roommates and live in a bigger place. :)

Anyways, I gotta go sleep.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. I've been really into the whole Offline TV gang and got into their Among Us stuff this last year. It's led down a rabbit hole into listening to a whole bunch of streamers' personal music. Here's what I've been listening to while writing this, but like, a 1 hour version. ;P LilyPichu is pretty great. :3

Iron Sharpened by Him

May I just say that patience in love is very difficult?

It has now been a year and a half since I started living downtown with a friend of mine. At the time that I moved in, honestly, I didn't really know him too well. All I knew is that he was aware of the burdens I was bearing, he acknowledged that it kinda made him uneasy, but that he was willing to live together and be there if needed. I made a conscious choice that I would love him as a brother and be there in any way he needed me to be there for him.

I learned that I am definitely not an introvert at the core, although in many other ways we were very similar. I wanted to be able to relate better and use secular things as a way of connecting. I think in general this is a good way of getting to know friends better, learning what they like and being willing to appreciate it to some extent. I also shared some of the things from my childhood, like Maple Story cards. :P But there's only so many ways to build decks when I only have like 100 cards.

Early on it became apparent that he was having difficulty in various ways in trusting God in his life. And I was really in no position to tell him what to do. I also reeeeeally hate confrontation, so I didn't want to do anything that would force him away or make him hate me. I had kinda felt like he was keeping his distance because of my struggles, which was fine. It just felt very lonely and kinda enhanced the feeling of monstrosity I often feel towards myself.

As time went on though, I was and am very glad that we have become better friends and brothers. I feel like we both kinda tend to hold a lot back until it kinda just explodes and overflows. The problem being that he generally dislikes my asking if something is wrong, and I generally lean towards thinking things are wrong when they aren't. :P

Sometimes there were difficulties and we were there for each other. Sometimes there was nothing I could do, but pray. And God would do so much more than I could ask! Why I don't ask of Him more is unfortunate.

I am frequently encouraged by how he handles the problems around him. Even when he personally doesn't want to do something, his spirit is provoked by God, he acknowledges what God is saying to him, and he wrestles with it. I am honestly jealous of how intimate the conversations with God sound.

Most recently he's been reading biographies of missionaries. (I think I got him back into reading, influenced also by his long bus rides to work, but our pastor gave him the first of these recent books). And it just makes me really happy to see him struggle with their passion and willingness to sacrifice in service to God and others. It makes me so happy to see him desire to emulate that. It makes me so so happy that we can encourage each other and hold each other accountable and push each other forward to what God is calling us to.

Over the past year there are so many things I have tried to do to help him know God better, but I feel like the most effective things have always been what God did apart from my workings. I eagerly await the day when all sin and temptation fades away from both of us and we can stand shoulder to shoulder working for God's glory here and in other nations proclaiming His goodness in our lives and His faithfulness to fulfill all He has promised in this world.

Even if I never know the impact I actually have had on him, I'm just glad to have a brother who encourages me and is ready to call out sin in my life.

May we continue to grow in Him. May His kingdom come. May we be sent out. May love abound. May our hearts glorify God first and foremost.

Amen

PS. May I just say patience in love is very rewarding. ;P
PPS. I'm so tempted to just turn our friendship into intentional discipleship, but that hasn't worked so many times. But patiently living life trying to serve God and loving him and others seems to work. This is irritating to my desire to be the one who gets results, but yes, very rewarding in the long run, and MUCH more glorifying to God. :P

Urbana 15 'LiveBlog' 1

Dec 27

Yo.

"It's been a long day" my roommate just said. We were on a bus for nearly 22 hours? I didn't keep very good track and there was a time change. But I am now at Urbana and already it's a very different situation than last time. We got in pretty much on time, registered, got transit passes then went over to our hotel.

I'm actually so happy with my roommates. Part of why I came was to bring others and God brought these two guys (and my other friend who was also going, so he's rooming with us too).

Our room wasn't ready yet and we had plent of time and a transit pass, so we took the light rail towards the zoo. We ended up in the History museum and saw exhibits about the world's fair, coffee, and the arch. Then we figured the zoo wasn't worth going to in the rain, went back, checked in to the hotel (so spacious) then went for dinner.

Hardee's was really good. They were not prepared for a dinner rush though so 3 employees (cash, cook, manager) had to suddenly deal with 50 customers. Then we headed over to the dome.

Main session was crazy. We were down on the floor seating. Already worship has been in English, French, Spanish, Korean, Swahili (and Hebrew..? Hallelujah? no?). This evening's worship was primarily 'black church' style, repeat after me, pentecostal, y'know? But it was good to mix it up. After introductions from our 'coach' for the week and the main director guy, our main speaker for the week Patrick Fung (OMF) exposited Matt 2:1-19 and shared stories of ministry in China. Very convicting testimonies as well as sharing the stories in Matthew. The theme of the week is "What story will you tell?" about our stories, but more importantly, God's story.

This evening I was feeling very guilty and unworthy. That I was not suited to bring the gospel to anyone when I'm not living it out myself. This is something I'd been thinking about before the conference. Especially going to prayer ministry about those things sometime.

Ya.

Ttyl.

D.Fa