Thinking It Through: Extra-marital Sex is Sinful (Part 3 of 15)

Hey,

I'm physically exhausted today, so let's go.

"3. All sexual intimacy outside marriage is clearly sinful: There is no real debate about what the Bible teaches if one is committed to Jesus's teachings: 

     First, Jesus affirms the Law of Moses: "Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill. For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass from the Law until all is accomplished" (Matt. 5:17-18).

     Second, Jesus defines, marriage from the Law exclusively as God mysteriously joining into one flesh both a man and a woman for life: "Have you not read that He we created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate" (Matt. 19:4-6).

     Third, Jesus defines fornication (all sexual intimacy outside of this divine institution of marriage) as sin and defiling: "Do you not understand that everything that goes into the mouth passes into the stomach, and is eliminated? But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornifications, thefts, false witness, slanders. These are the things which defile the man; but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile the man" (Matt. 15:17-20).

     So, since Jesus speaks about fornification in this way, Jesus also speaks clearly on the issue of homosexuality: he describes it as a sin that the Law condemns.

     Sexual intimacy outside marriage is one of many kinds of lawless deeds that Jesus gave himself over for on the cross (Titus 2:11-14). It is something we all need to constantly repent of as we look forward to Jesus' return. Jesus did not die so that we can freely sin. The gospel says: 'Jesus died and rose, so turn from your sin today and use your freedom in Christ to live in increasing obedience.'"

Ok. That was longer than the last two.

I am inclined to agree with the majority of this. It is fairly clearly laid out that the natural way, the way things were designed to be, the way God designed things to be is for a man and woman to realize the full depths of intimacy in a fully committed marriage relationship, including sex. Anything outside that definition will be less than, will be incomplete, will be in disobedience to the natural order. As Paul in Romans 1:27 puts it "the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men" as part of people turning from God and worshipping created things instead. There's a number of fairly recent arguments given for the biological value of same-sex partnerships, but I don't think I'll ever 100% agree that it is a natural process. The basis of evolutionary biology is having your genes be passed on and survive. More children, the higher the chances of survival. No children, than no survival.

What does it look like to live a life on increasing obedience? This area, although it maybe looked different from time to time, never felt like an area of increasing victory, but just cycles of failure, confession, and struggle. Some resources would speak of how these desires were good and point us towards finding our wives, but didn't address people who were same sex attracted. What then? Paul writes in 1 Cor 7:8-9 "To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion." The way it's written makes it sound like marriage is just an acceptable form of diverting sinful desire into something satisfactory. But what then for same sex attracted people? Is marriage ok? Is it satisfactory in the case that one burns with passion and is unable to maintain self-control?

Jesus did not die so that we can freely sin. 

There were a few years where I struggled so hard against sin and temptation. I would write the kanji for blood on my palm "血" because "In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood." (Hebrews 12:4). Had I struggled so deeply against sin that I had bled in longsuffering pursuit of holiness? No. So I would remind myself of that as I struggled and prayed. Was it helpful? It was kinda guilt trippy. It wasn't a positive reinforcement. Sure, it made me reflect more on how much Jesus had fought against sin and that He did manage to win that battle and secure victory over sin and death on the cross, that He was a high priest we could always turn to because He had been tempted in every way as we are, yet without sin (Hebrews 4:15). I had wondered a number of times, had Jesus experienced temptation of same sex attraction towards His closest friends? Had removing his outer garments so that He could wash their feet been a difficult thing to do knowing that temptation was crouching at the door? Regardless, Jesus went to the cross and died in my place without having sinned at all. Now, with the Holy Spirit, I should be able to rely in His power to overcome temptation, ya? So, why did I keep failing? Why did I keep having to keep coming back tearfully asking for forgiveness? Why isn't there an easier way? And I don't want to just end my life, cause that would cause too much pain for others around me. It's not a fair option.

So what then? Slowly suffer cycles of celibate sin? *sigh*

I'll ttyl.

D.Fa

My Feelings Are Valid

Yo.

Let's tangent for a bit shall we?

So, I'm a supervisor at Starbucks. I guess you don't know that yet eh? Last time I seriously blogged was 2016 / early 2017. In 2017 I was due to finish my 2-year Masters program in Toxicology. All I really needed was for a collaborator to run like one experiment for me to add like a second opinion that would further substantiate the point we were making. I honestly don't remember the details of that at this point. :P I had worked so hard on reading a million journal articles to write the introduction section for my thesis. Jeez. 

I burned all those papers.

 

Anyways, point being, that final experiment was being held up, soooooooo I had to extend my degree by another semester (In the end they never did that experiment and I basically didn't add anything more to the thesis. RIP). Problem being that I had only budgeted for the 2 years, not 2.5. :[ So, literally August is ending and September is days away and I have basically $0 in my bank account. I went downstairs and across the street with my laptop. I used the Starbucks' wifi from their patio and looked for some jobs I could apply for. I don't know what else I searched for, but I looked at McDonald's and Starbucks. I started messaging some of my previous bosses for references since McDonald's needed them. Starbucks did not need them in their application. So I submitted my resume and information. Figured I'd take a break and wait on references.

That afternoon I got a call: "Hey, I see that you live nearby and are willing to work early morning hours. Would you be willing to come in for an interview in a couple days?" 

I think it was only 10 days later I got the call back and was offered a job as a barista in one of the busiest stores in downtown Ottawa. I'm gonna skip ahead here, but for now just know I have had so many wonderful times at my first store. we got an amazing new boss a couple months after I was hired. The team was so good. I became a barista trainer. And not much more than a year as a barista, I promoted and became a supervisor at my store. I transferred to Niagara for summer 2019 and transferred back to Ottawa that September, but to a different store. 

My current store is a mall store and it is wild in its own ways. I love the opportunities I have to creatively problem solve, to work with an amazing team, and to something different everyday. The team I work with now has changed quite a bit over the last couple years. Can't believe it's been that long, honestly. Mostly things changed due to the pandemic. Our store closed. Student baristas left the city and have been doing online school. People moved. People got new jobs. Our store opened again. Almost every store in our district was permanently closed. A lot of people we transferred, took severance packages to pursue other options, or were laid off. It was a rough time for a lot of people. 

One week in late May or early June (I can't remember at this point) we were working at a different store (ours was still closed). Our coworkers who hadn't been working yet had to come back or be laid off. We were having a team meeting (fully masked and 2 meters apart) to give space for people to be real (and to get the new safety training). We were taking turns sharing and were trying to look at the bright side and be positive. One of my coworkers, who I really really respect broke that silence and expressed her anger. She was supposed to be in Montreal with her family (who had some respiratory conditions that made them potentially more susceptible to Covid) and boyfriend. (They actually got into the news for their themed dinners: globalnews.ca/news/6917202/finding-fun-coronavirus/). She was really upset and mad that she had to come back to work. And that's valid. At this point, looking back, things were so minor in general, but even then all of our worlds had been shaken and thrown off. It had been 2-3 months of isolation and separation. We had all made the most of it, but it was hard, and would get harder the longer it went on. A lot of sucky things have happened over the last two years. You can own that. I can own that. We don't have to pretend everything is fine. When she said it it started this kind of wave of tears. A number of other seriously terrible things got shared. If nothing else, over the last couple years I've always had my team there for me. They've been my closest friends most of the time.

One of my other coworkers I also seriously respect. They have taught me a lot of what it looks like to interact with and care for people who are very different from me. She identifies as bisexual and will frequently bring up various issues or topics that she feels needs to be addressed around her. She does drag and is fairly vocal about support for the LGBTQ+ community. There are so many people who come to our store that she has played a large part in connecting with and making our space friendly and inviting to them. I genuinely care for and love her as a friend and want what's best for her.

Lately there's been a lot of scheduling changes and things as we adapt to more or less business with more or less lockdown. Right now our store is open although it is within a closed mall. It's complex. The other day we had way too many people scheduled and I remarked that it honestly stresses me out more when I have 3 extra people, rather than when I have so much business that I need 3 more. I can push myself and do 3 people's worth of work for a time. I can't create work for people who are asking me for clarity on what position they should be working when all the positions are already filled. My coworker says something along the lines of "you've gotta stop complaining about having too many people. One of these days it's gonna be busier and you're gonna need them". To which I reply "yes, but my feelings are valid." :P She didn't really have a response. Of anyone in our store she should be one of the most strongly in agreement that no matter what you're feeling, it's valid.

In the moment, I was kinda joking. Like yes, I need to enjoy the quieter times while we still have them. But at the same time my feelings are valid.

And that sentence makes so little sense to me. 

I don't understand feelings. There are so few feelings that I fully comprehend and can explain. I spent so much time in my life trying to feel things I didn't. I tried to hide things I did feel. I wanted my feelings not to exist. I wanted to be normal and fit in with what is the average experience. I tuned out my emotions and now when I need to really think through how I feel and what I need it's so hard.

My feelings are valid and my struggle to understand them and the time it will take to unpack and give space to better understand them is ok.

Today I'm feeling tired. I'm paying rent in two places and am pretty tight on free cash. Not like in 2017, but I'm picking up extra shifts. I'm at the end of my ropes emotionally as I sort out what needs to end. And I'm pushing myself physically to accomplish what I need to to give me space to refocus and restart. At the same time, I just had a chat on the phone with a friend I haven't had the chance to talk to in a bit and we're both in similarly tired and empty places. Talking about those things drains me too.

I'm tired. 

That's valid.

I'll get more time and space to think and feel soon. It's ok.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

P.S. Thanks for being here. :P 

Matthew 4:4

Hey,

It's been a season or two. I've just returned from St. Catharine's where I was for the summer. I was honestly not really looking forward to coming back. It felt like when I left I was leaving all my problems behind, so the thought of coming back to them all seemed daunting and scary. But this week has been good so far. I feel like the thought I'm having the last couple days is that God sustains.

A habit I started while away was going to the gym. The basic thought of paying to run in place and lift heavy things that will just be put back is unappealing. However, the feeling of daily progressing towards a goal is great. And I have been making progress while I was away. The other real benefit was time to read. Taking the bus has always been my primary time to read since going to university, but I'd been driving around all summer to work and church and everything. But running on the spot gives you a lot of time to read and think. And you do actually start to notice you feel more irritable when you haven't been in a few days. ;P In any case, the point being, this is one thing that I feel is a good thing that God has given me to help through the transition. I'd been going to an Anytime Fitness, and if you are registered at one, you can use any of their locations anywhere at anytime. And one opened up down the hill from where I'm living while I was gone this summer.

Similarly, I've had a few days of work (which is always good and always makes me feel useful and like I'm actually accomplishing something). But it's actually so refreshing from work in the summer. I was working like 38-40 hours every week and it was a really high stress location where I was. It felt like there was never time to relax. Things were chaotic and there weren't too many people I could rely on. But at my new location (although it isn't my old location, which I dearly love, the place and all the people) everyone is so competent and cooperative. I look forward to working more with them and getting to know them. :3

Another thing, that I think is kinda weird, is that I find God speaks to me through pop songs a lot. All summer, driving, I'd had a lot of time to listen to the radio. And the more you listen to a song, the more you sing it, the more you meditate on the lyrics. (They also frequently talk about love, which makes it easy to connect to God's love and my need for Him). Honestly, I Don't Care by Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber is like one of my favourite songs to sing right now. I literally just sang it out loud at the gym while running (I'm real happy my new gym plays pop songs instead of classic rock. ;P). The gist of the song is that it doesn't really matter where we are, so long as you (my love; or you can read God) are with me, we'll be ok, we'll have a good time. And some of the lyrics speak deeper to me: you're making me feel like maybe I am somebody" or "you're making me feel like I'm loved by somebody". Which, those thoughts are things I think about a lot. Like am I worth anything? Can anybody really love me if they knew all my secrets and sin? But God sees past that all. He has loved me. He has shown me that. Even if no one else does (which isn't true anyways) He will always love me and be there for me.

That's kinda been my head all summer. I'd been pretty isolated and felt useless and like I was going nowhere and God gave me a message speaking exactly to me where I was at. Most of the summer the messages had been pretty meh, but this one used like all the verses that stick to my heart, spoke specifically to my situation running away from life into the isolating desert, and that God is still seeing me and caring for me and calling me home. If you want to give it a listen you can watch it here: God Who Sees Me. (and Meghan and her family was like the best part of the small group I was in this summer, but that's a story for another time).

Even yesterday a song got stuck in my head. And you know when like the chorus is so easy to get and the verses you barely know? Ya, this is one of those. I literally only know the prechorus and chorus. :P "You said hey whatcha doing for the rest of your life And I said I don’t even know what I’m doing tonight ... and you said I never regretted the day that I called you mine". And I get that just from that it's a bit of a stretch, but I started thinking "what am I doing tonight? I don't even know. I don't have a plan for my future. I don't know where I'm going." and that line "and you said I never regretted that day that I called you mine" just got stuck in my head and made me think again about myself and how I frequently feel like I'm not good enough for God, or like I've wasted the last few years or like have no solid plans for the future, but God has called me his. LT way back on the day I was baptized said that day was great not just because I was saying "God is my God" but because it also meant God was saying "You are mine". And God says "I will never leave or forsake you." If He has called me His, He has no regrets. He knew everything that would happen after that day and somehow He still loves me. And like, I know those things, but reflecting on it from a stupid pop song somehow just gets deeper sometimes than hearing it from a page of the Bible. : /

I was walking home from the gym praying. Looking at the blue sky and the rain-soaked ground and breathing the fresh air thinking "God thank you for all you provide. Everything a tree needs, rain, air, sun. You do that for me too." Then I got home and read a book I'm going through. It's like studying a verse a day for like personal devotion time. It was Psalm 1:2-3 "But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."

It's the little words.
It's the perfect coincidences.
It's the feeling of comfort and familiarity even in large transition.
It's a faithfulness that blows me away.
It's only by the words that come from God's mouth that what little faith I have can be sustained and used to encourage others and bring Him glory and give me true joy and delight in following Him.

That's what I'm thinking today anyway.
#thankful

D.Fa







PS. Just went to go link the music video for I Don't Care and watched it for the first time. My goodness. This is an insanely funny editing job. ;P

Feeling Freedom

Yo.

It's been a while. Quite a while. :P But I'm finally free. I handed in my Masters' thesis for examination three days ago and my defense is scheduled for next week. The weeks and months of agonizing work reading journal articles and writing 300 pages and editing down to 200 pages, it's all essentially over. These last few days have been so great. Being able to think and not have this giant looming threat of failure hanging over me. The funniest thing though is how God really humbled me through this.

See, I reaaaaaally didn't want to sit down and write it. I'd do almost anything else to avoid doing it and it got to the point where I was actually running out of time. (For some reason I had been scheduling to finish ahead of the actual due date, so there was flexibility, but yaaaa.) So here I am like 3 days before it's due, knowing exactly how much I need to do and just being like "naaaaah, let's sleep in a bit more. ... 7:21. fineeeeee. I guess I have to wake up and start." And so I went to get up and get ready for the day and as I was standing in the bathroom I started feeling faint. So I sat down on the bathtub.

...

*opens eyes* "what's this white thing? where am I?" *sits up* I had fainted and was lying on the ground with my head facing the toilet. =O So, I go to lie in my bed. 7:23. This had only happened once before (exactly the same way) way back in 3rd or 4th year, so I know it's nothing serious. Lying down I realize my knee hurts. I can't extend my left leg and walking on it is painful. Sooooooo I hop over to my laptop to start working. I figure, "well, if it stops hurting we're all good. It had better not be broken. I have a defense in a couple weeks and work in a few days." A couple hours later and it still hurts. So I'm like "fine. I guess I'll go to the hospital just to be sure. Like, if I don't get this moving, my knee will like solidify over and I'll never get to use it again. Either I go now or after I hand in this thesis. And by then it could be too late." My roommate isn't here. My friend who lives the closest is out of town for another day. It's not an emergency.

So I check the bus schedule. The bus a couple blocks down actually goes right to the hospital. I just need to leave enough time to hop down the hall to the elevator, and slowly hop without slipping and dying to the bus stop, take the bus, then hop to the hospital. Got all my stuff. Let's go.

Hopping that entire hallway was exhausting. So when I get downstairs I call a cab. :P He was super nice. The doctors were super nice. Was there for like 2? 3 hours? Read a book. They said it was probably just a muscle thing and I'd be fine in a day or too, Cool. So I got a pair of crutches and walked to the bus. :P It only really hurt when it was extended or had weight on it.

Back at home time to work. :P

Oh, did I mention my glasses had fallen apart that week too? So, here I am with like a meter of clear vision and the inability to walk, essentially forced to tackle my thesis, praying that my leg heals quickly so I can work this coming week. New Years comes and I'm just at home working on my thesis all night. So I take a break before midnight. It'd been the first time in 7 years that I hadn't been at a Christian conference singing and praying in the year. I do my annual reflection and prayer and crying session, reminding myself of His faithfulness and goodness and the hope I have in Him, before getting back to work.

So, working as normal, drinking lots of water, I take leg stretching breaks every time after I go the washroom. I'm regaining some extension, but it still hurts and I can't really walk properly, So I just take a break and pray kneeling on my bed to help stretch it further. And afterward, with really no sudden thing, it feels back to normal. Praise God. :P And better than that, I think my relationship with God was much better too. It's funny, but it all worked out (aside from my parents being overly concerned about me, and me not bathing for a couple days. ;P) and I'm thankful that God does things like this in my life. I'm praying the defense goes well and that this year is all for His glory and my joy in Him.

D.Fa

Japan 2016 Entry 3

Well, it seems yesterday's post couldn't publish because I tried to attach photos... haha. So you'll get it when you get it. ;P

Today was crazy. It was our first day of class with the kids so I did some extra lesson plan prep before breakfast and so had NP. =D We conferred and got all our stuff from LS. We all prayed together in a big group and went off to class. Our 7 girls are all so sweet and well behaved and energetic. < 3 We were learning activities, ordinal numbers, and months today and will review a bunch of that tomorrow. A spoon relay was a hit of a game to help demonstrate 1st 2nd 3rd.

Bento lunches were great! Did some lesson planning for the beginner adult class tomorrow with AL. It should be a fun class.

Then we went to a mall for some shopping, buying some food, and dinner.

I'm pretty tired now. Haha Time flies yo.

Ttyl

D.Fa.

Japan 2016 Entry 1

Yo,

So I'm in Japan now. Me and four other young adults from my church back in Ottawa are here in Soka (North of Tokyo) for 12 days teaching English, sharing testimonies of God's work of salvation in our lives, and serving with our brothers and sisters here. I still feel like I'm dreaming, like this is all fake and I'll just wake up all of a sudden.

I had written a page in a physical journal, but I think it'll be easier if I just write it here. The church has provided us with WiFi, so I might as well use it to make blogging easier. ;P

I'm actually astounded with how much I can understand, and how I'm actually so much more confident to speak Japanese than I am to even speak French. I really enjoy being praised by everyone here for my Japanese skills, but at the same time it is very tiring to speak another language. Previously when I had gone somewhere that most people spoke French better than English I tried to speak French more. After a few weeks I grew tired of the extra effort and stopped trying. I kinda feel like that is already starting to set in... but it's only been a couple days.

We got to meet LS yesterday. She is a missionary who has been here for a while. She has prepared great lesson plans for us and knows the children since she is the one normally teaching English here. She's pretty funny and very friendly.

The team is good. We apparently all really like milk tea. ;P In free time a few of us have been playing Pokemon (including LS  haha).

Although things are good, I feel scared. The thought of giving into sin and temptation is looming and I hate the thought. I am scared of not giving ministry my all. I am scared of not making the most of this time and opportunities. I pray that God would be giving me comfort and peace in Him. That I would be assured of His great might and power at work in me and in this place.

Also Pastor's 2.5 year old daughter is super cute. =P

Ttyl.

D.Fa

Intent and Simplicity

I have so much I want to say right now, but I feel like I always miss the right time to say it.

I don't want endlessly long posts, which would bore.
I often don't want to post super real posts which might affect the way people see me and so I wait too long and then forget what I was feeling or it is no longer relevant anyways.
I waste too much of my time and end up feeling like I don't have the time to say anything.

I want to get back to regularly blogging. I have been keeping a short list of things that I'd write about on a memo on my phone.

I intend to get to them, but we'll see. Let me just say though that this weekend was amazing and God is awesome and so good.

The gospel in all it's crazy power to save all who would believe it from the rightful and just wrath we deserve, can be so simply received through faith, not by works. So simple.

And more than that, God doesn't just save us so we are saved. He saves us so that we may then experience Him and know true life in Him.

Just reflecting on these things and others after a retreat with P2C. God is good all the time.

Ttyl.

D.Fa