Thinking It Through: Jesus Gave Himself to Redeem Us (Part 2 of 15)

Yo yo,

I need to wake up in 6 hours, but I also need to think this through. :P So let's go.

"2. Jesus gave Himself over to redeem us from our sins: Paul explained to Titus that the gospel involves delivering sinners from sin's power over their lives and their sinful ways: "For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Saviour, Christ Jesus, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from every lawless deed, and to purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds." (Titus 2:11-14)."

Again, I think the potential here lies in how things get defined. 1. We're all sinful. Agreed. 2. Jesus (and the grace available through Him and what He did through dying on the cross in our place) is the only way. Agreed. 3. Though.

"Instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires". Here's one of the potential 'loopholes' I need to pursue. The grace of God available in Christ brings potential salvation to all who would receive it, yes? I was talking to a friend, kinda like debating their points. And I'm like, "but Jesus said you're forgiven, go and sin no more." and they were like "what is the sin in this case?" and I'm like "thou shall not commit adultery"; sexual immorality. Basically anything outside the marriage of a man and a woman, it's outside God's design, ya? And they told me how they were reading about something. Like it was only recently around Martin Luther's time that sex began to be viewed as acceptable in marriage, and like not just sin, but ok. Like the priests would be celibate to be truly pure, but the normal people would be living with some degree of sin in their lives. But the thought that "sex in marriage is a gift from God" a good thing to pursue in the right contexts, is a newer concept. What other things need rethinking? It just seems like too much to me to think that you can twist it further. I had a friend who is gay who is Christian and he had explained part of why he believes he shouldn't pursue a same sex relationship is that the image of marriage reflects God and the church, that a man and a woman reflect Christ and His bride, the church. To have a man and a man, would be to have Christ and Christ, which is not the image that God wants presented, or whatever. I don't even know where I'm going with this now. :P

Uhhhhh. Here's the thing I've been thinking lately. If God is almighty and powerful and worth giving up everything, He will supply the ability to do so. "you will not be tempted beyond what you can handle, but God will give you the strength to overcome" or whatever. If God defines this as sin and wants us to overcome it, why does it seem so impossible? I've spent years trying to fight it and I've gotten nowhere but deeply self-hating and shaming myself. Is there a way to work it out together? "in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God." (1 Cor 7:24) "But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband." (1 Cor 7:2)? So long as I am actively "looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Saviour, Christ Jesus" and praying for and receiving forgiveness in His name where I'm at, is that ok? Or is it more the way I've described God's hatred of sin that 'we cannot dwell with God at all because of His holiness'? Where is the line? Is a committed gay relationship, in marriage, that pursues Christ and loves Him first, claims forgiveness and confesses sin daily, and zealously pursues good deeds ok? Or is that living in active rebellion because God can supply the strength to live a life more conformed to His will? :/

Abraham was willing, at age 100, to sacrifice his only son because God said to do it. God must be worth it, right? Worth giving up everything that we've been hoping and longing for for decades.

But is there a way that it can work? ://////

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: The Law and the Gospel (Part 1 of 15)

Heyo,

I promise I've been trying not to procrastinate this. It just seems that every time I set aside that hour or whatever to sit down and think and write, I have like 5 other things that neeeeed to be done, or like I just don't have any energy and I push it off again. I'm here and it's gonna be a little more off the cuff because I just need to do it. 

Quick catch-up: It's been a few weeks. Work was insane, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to ask to be transferred. I was offered a transfer. Woooooot. So this week I've been at a quieter community-style store (that also has Uber Eats ;P) and it's been good so far. Uhhhhhhhh what else? My mom is doing fine. It's been way too cold and wet lately. Idk..? 

Anyways, here's today's topic:

"1. The Law and the Gospel speak directly to you: The law condemns sinners like us. If men are proud and convinced of their own righteousness, the Law is "God's hammer" that pulverizes such presumption (Luther). The Law demands perfection and pronounces the ultimate curse on those with the slightest disobedience in their ledgers. The Law teaches us that we are helpless slaves of sin under God's wrath (Romans 3:9-20). the Law teaches us that we need a Saviour, the ultimate sacrifice who will (1) appease God's righteous anger against our sin once-for-all; and (2) supply the perfect obedience we need to stand justified before God in the judgement. So, the Law drives us to Christ Jesus, our promised Lord and Saviour. On the cross, He freely bore God's wrath in our place and He obeyed the will of God perfectly to the end. God promises to credit His perfect righteousness to all who turn from their sin and trust in Jesus as Lord and Saviour. This gospel urges us now to repent and be saved! This message speaks today to you. Repent and believe!"

Ok, so. 100% I do believe I am a sinner. I definitely know and attest that I have done wrong and regularly do wrong, whether intentionally or not. I am not convinced in my righteousness. There's no way I can ever by my own deeds or actions or thoughts or anything else make myself holy and pure. The sinful nature in me will draw me to brokenness and depravity in attempts to make myself feel whole or fulfilled, but only leave me just as empty if not worse. I've tried before. Willing myself into purity doesn't work. Shaming myself into behavioural obedience doesn't work and feels crap. I've had to deal with so much untangling the shame that I've layered upon myself over the years as I hid feelings and desires and thoughts; as I fought to not do that things I knew was wrong; as I suffered to be better because I thought that would help my relationship with God. I was definitely humbled and weak and needed God's help. But I think I missed the message of God's love in that or something. Idk. Point: ya. I'm a sinner and I defffffinitely need a Saviour. I know that. and I know I can't be that saviour. 

Paul went on in the letter to the Romans about how he wouldn't have known covetousness if the Law had not pointed it out. Sin in him used that as an opportunity to draw out every sort of covetousness in him and lead him to death (Romans 7:7-9). The law highlights our sinful nature and points to our need for a Saviour. Yes. Agreed. The wages of sin is death (Romans 6:20-23), what we deserve for our sin is death, eternal separation from God's goodness, and eternal pain and suffering, "gnashing of teeth" as Jesus put it (Matthew 13:42), where the worm never dies and the flames never cease (Mark 9:43-48). We need the perfect sacrifice to take our place so that we can live, now and eternally, and Jesus is that sacrifice. The one who was mentioned in Genesis 3 (the seed of the woman who would crush the serpent's head), the one who was typified in the sacrificial system (see all of Leviticus, especially chapters 1-7) and the constant sacrifices for willful and unintentional sins (Lev 4:2). The one who would take the place of many for He had never sinned. The payment for sin is death, one animal for one sin, one insignificant life for small forgiveness, but the ultimate forever payment through the one who didn't deserve to die, the one who didn't need to pay for His own sin first. The sacrificial system only a shadow of Christ to come, the blood of bulls and rams not actually able to take away sin, but Christ dying in the future paying for those past sins and all who would come to Him in faith in the future as well. (See all of Hebrews 10. For real. Hebrews is the best.) There is no one else who can save us the way Christ can. He is the only way to the Father (John 14:6), His is the only name by which men can be saved (Acts 4:12). Point: Only in Jesus can we truly be saved. He alone can be the Saviour we need.

So, like, this point isn't the most difficult in what it's explicitly saying. You are sinful: ya. You need Jesus: ya. Repent and believe: hmmm. This I think is where there might be wiggle room in applicable grace? Or where there might be the most need for God-sent conviction and hope to change? I've heard repentance defined so many times when I was in university. To repent is to agree with God concerning your sin and to turn away from it. Which is then generally also followed by asking for forgiveness and grace and renewed fellowship with the Holy Spirit in you. This I think is where I need more clarification: is what I am doing explicitly sinful (I'm currently leaning towards yes) and is there a way to make it acceptable (I'm not sure)? If it is sin, is there room to acknowledge it, claim forgiveness and grace, and live in such a way that is for God (depending how you say it, it feels like either pretending it's not sin, not fully believing that God has said it is, making excuses, lying to yourself, or like not really repenting or whatever)? Is there grace to live in such a way that you can be yourself 100% without shame, loving yourself, while also 100% loving God and living for His glory with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength? As written, that sounds very possible. It should be how every Christian lives. It just also in my life sounds like the decade of shaming myself into acting and pretending things were all fine while in cycles of active sin and forgiveness. How is that better? 

I want to be strong enough to do what is right and feel good about it at the same time. 

Repent? I'm going to be looking into this. I googled affirming churches, but I feel like what I want to do with that is steal someone affirming and debate them.

Believe? I think I do. I just am avoiding everything right now. Before I was avoiding everything from the top of the fence. I spent years feeling crap, not acting in either direction. Now I've spent like 3 months on one side of the fence, while holding onto it. On the day to day I don't feel like I'm terrible, but I feel like I might be further from God than before? And like, that's the real problem. 'And this is eternal life, that they know You, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent' (John 17:3). What is life apart from the source of life? What is 'true life' if only 60 years of joy then suffering? I've started listening to the Bible on my 30 minute walks to work. I want to actively try to pursue God again and see if it can work. My head still says it's incompatible. tbd.

Anyways, that's it for today. My brain is tired of thinking this deeply without real answers. :P

Next time: Jesus gave himself to redeem us. It won't be 3 weeks this time I promise. :)

Ttyl.

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: Introduction (0 of 15)

Hey there. :P

It's been a bit. It'll be 3 months with SH soon, which honestly blows my mind. I've had a month off work in September (slightly sick for 2 weeks, vacation for 2 weeks), we celebrated SH's birthday and a couple of the people in his friend group, I'm feeling more comfortable about how crazy work is and might be changing teams soon(?), but I'm also here and haven't deeply thought through how my relationship does or doesn't work which I kinda expected I'd have at least started by now. Obviously random thoughts and verses have been ruminating, but I have not been actively or directly addressing concerns. I was starting to feel guilty about it, like I'm kinda holding SH in limbo not knowing if I'm fully committed to our relationship because I did tell him I'd need to think it through. And he's cried a bit, but he's happy I'm being honest and wants me to think it through. But more recently he said I need to start. So, that's what I'm gonna do.

Conveniently(?), one of my friends wrote out a 7 page letter with 15 important things that needed to be said concerning my relationship / pursuit of relationship with another guy. He wrote this back on September 6th. When I got it in the mail I skimmed the headings, but otherwise I have not read the letter. So, it's definitely a place to start.

I have talked to many people generally about the relationship / the Biblical side of it and where I was at. But like those were all pretty brief or shallow? In any case, I feel like I still currently am thinking what I was before, but feel better about who I am, but haven't really thought it through fully. I have thought about talking to someone more affirmative and basically arguing against them cause I kinda feel like I don't really have any arguments strongly in favour of my relationship. Like, I have weak or subjective ones, but like, everything I'd been taught and studied before is still in my head providing some like logical answers against some of the questions I'm asking? idk if that makes sense. 

I'm gonna read over the next paragraph before writing my thoughts so I have more time to ponder and think and pray perhaps.

Next Time on Thinking It Through: The Law and the Gospel speak directly to you.

Ttyl. :P

D.Fa

I am Human.

Heyo!

I can't believe it's nearly been a month. :) Work has been garbage, but that's for another day. Time does fly when you repress stress and anger and suffering. But time also flies when you're living what feels like a dream. And that's what I want to focus more on right now. :P I can't believe I have a boyfriend and I can't believe it's been nearly a month with him.

So, ya. :P It's been a wild ride. In the last month I've been more honest and open with what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking and just being real. It's been so insanely good. Like, I don't have words for it. And for the most part it's been so wholesome too. :) He bought me sunflowers. We went to the art gallery. We cooked together a bunch. We've walked so many miles together holding hands. We ate fresh baked goods. We watched fireworks three times. We just sat in peace on benches, and beaches, and rocks, and couches, and buses. We've spent probably an hour just staring into each others' eyes. When I'm with him I don't want to be anywhere else. :) 

Most of my friends are from work (Starbucks), or from church. And it's basically been the same story every time I tell people: coworkers - suuuuper excited for me; church friends - kinda awkward, don't quite know what to say, express their love and care for me, confusion based on my previous statements in past years, varying degrees of communicating they don't exactly agree with what I'm doing. And that's ok. I wish the conversations with coworkers went deeper more regularly. They generally stay pretty shallow. Excitement. Asking about him and details about dates and date ideas and stuff. So, like, I love my coworkers, but I feel like I really appreciate the depth of conversation and the conflict happening in my Christian friends. Not only are they reassuring me that they care about me, but they are all expressing that through how they decide to approach the subject matter. Do they ask more about him? Do they ask me how I feel? Do they ask how my thoughts and convictions have changed? Do they express their thoughts? Do they invite me to dinner to better discuss it? All of those ways are them expressing they care and love me, just in different ways, and I'm so happy I've got so many people that are willing to stay engaged and show their care for me. It's given me time to think. It's given me questions to address. It's given me space to figure out my own thoughts and turn them into words. I know there are people there to hear me out, and people I can go to when I need someone to talk to. I'm so incredibly blessed and thankful for this place I'm in now and how much support I truly have.

More internally though, I feel like I'm allowed to live. I feel like I'm allowed to express what I'm thinking and feeling. I feel like I'm ok and don't have to pretend to be someone else. 

And like, maybe you're reading that and thinking "ya. obviously." but like, I've spent so many years hating my thoughts, hating who I was, hating that I couldn't change this, hating that I had to always pretend and fake and censor myself. I know I don't have to tell everyone every thing. But the freedom to be real as topics come up. The freedom to be ok and acknowledge feelings and thoughts. The freedom to not know what to do, but know that whatever happens things will be ok; that I will be ok. That's what it feels like and it's incredible. There's such an intense and heavy weight of shame that I don't have to carry right now, or anymore ideally, regardless of what happens in the end. I am me. And that's ok. Jesus calls people to himself as they are, he heals and forgives and empowers to live for him. I still need to figure that out. I've not had much free time between work madness and stress, and SH joy and bliss. :P I've got time off, I've got vacations planned in the coming month. But again, that shame. It's ok that I struggle with this and am wrestling with what to do.

I'm gonna copy and paste something I wrote a few years ago. I don't think it was the worst day of my life, but it's the one day that I most clearly remember hating being me. There've been a lot of days over the past 10 years where I'd be tempted and hate my thoughts and my imagination and everything and like go to my bed and just attempt to block it all out. Sometimes there'd be a lot of internal yelling, a lot of desperate prayer, sometimes some kicking, sometimes some crying. I hated that this was me and it felt like I was wrong. But on this particular day it felt super bad. (As I'm writing this I haven't re-read it yet.)

Background: I'm in Japan. Me and four other young adults from my church have gone to help teach English to help a church in Northern Tokyo share the good news about Jesus with children and the elderly and anyone who came to the church for English lessons. Our other friend had been there all year doing similar things. We were there just for a week for a summer camp kind of thing. Me, knowing Japan somewhat from anime, knows that hot springs are a thing and are definitely a tourist destination. Generally, Japan doesn't think anything wrong with nudity in such instances and the baths are separated for men and women. So, the chances if I said nothing were high that our team would go and I'd be forced to decide in the moment not to participate; not to go to the baths with the other men on the team or from the church (whatever may happen). So I told them in Canada "I do not want to go to any hot springs. Do not take me to the hot springs." Or something to that effect. So, you would imagine how annoying it was that for our like one full free day they planned with the church to have us drive way out to the hot springs. The whole day sucked (in my memory. Still haven't read it yet). The drive up: dreading it. The lunch beforehand: didn't want to eat. Onsen time: sat outside. And this is where I wrote the following:

"12:37 august 1.

I'm actually so sad right now. Everyone is going to go to onsen and I can't. I don't know what I will do. I don't know how I will feel then. But right now I feel like the worst. Like I'm less than a normal person. But I know I don't want to see anything I wouldn't want to see. So I know it is a better choice. I'm definitely not in a place today where I could go to onsen and be OK. But this feeling sucks.

Aug 2 on the plane.

Honestly yesterday sucked. I felt like it was a complete waste of time to drive so many hours for me to just sit and wait while others bathed in the springs. I was very annoyed by a few other things too. What is permissible is not always beneficial. To sit out was the better choice. Unfortunately I chose to give in to temptation earlier. God had provided so much and I don't want to keep living this way. Even if it is hard I want to do all I can to change the future.

God's steadfast love is better than life.

That is how the verse goes. That is what I want to experience. That is what I want to see. But I feel so torn when it feels like I need something I know I don't need. When the desires of the flesh scream for attention and demand obedience.

I seem to have convinced myself that I do need those things.

When I think of how following God will mean never experiencing so many things. Never fulfilling so many desires. Never knowing the things I don't know. I feel deep sadness.

But the steadfast love of God is greater than life.

Better than any sin or otherwise. If I have to give up the world of sin it would be worth it. If I had to give up the world it would still be worth it. If I had to give up everything it would still be worth it.

But I've convinced myself that the fleeting pleasures of sin are greater than life and worth dying for.

That is craziness.

Like actually. Read that sentence. I've convinced myself that fulfilling a curiosity and fantasy or desire is so valuable that I'd give up God's eternal love in exchange for fleeting pleasure and eternal wrath.

That is madness.  "

Hmmmmm. Not exactly what I thought I had written. I like, literally cried myself to sleep waiting outside the baths. I thought I would have gone into more detail about not feeling like a person. "I feel like the worst. like less than a normal person." less than a person. that's how I always felt when this came up. I saw myself in monsters in shows I watched. I related more to them than the normal human protagonists. There was so much brokenness and shame just at the idea of thinking about having a boyfriend, or legitimately anything smaller than that. At just a single tempting thought I'd be spiraling into shame and self-hate and desperation to be anything or anyone other than myself.

And that's gone.

I'm human. I'm totally and utterly human. I do and will make mistakes. I'm free to have these thoughts and know that they don't define me. Who I am is deeper than what I think or say or do. Obviously I want those things to align with who I want to be. Who I want to be might be the question on the table now. Not entirely sure. But I know for sure I do not want to carry around shame and self-hatred. 

The stuff from on the plane though. This is what I'm now having to wrestle with. "God's steadfast love is better than life. ... that is what I want to experience." I still feel like that. I think anyways. But the problem is the dissonance between the statement and the feeling. Over the past few years I'd been thinking like "what do I need from God that will fulfill this temptation in a positive meaningful way?" like if I feel this desire so badly day in and day out there must be an answer. As I'd regularly say in sharing the gospel we all have a God-shaped hole in our hearts, thirst leads us to water, our other desires we try to fulfill through sin are there to lead us to their complete satisfaction in God. Or something to that effect. But I couldn't figure out what I needed. And it felt like week after week God was getting more silent or further away as I was asking for help, asking to know what intimacy with God looked like, asking for satisfaction in Him. But each day that would go by unsatisfied and emptier the more I'd think I needed to change something. Lately I've been thinking like "if God really wants me to not have a boyfriend and to not struggle with these things, He needs to be the one to supply the strength to overcome it. Otherwise He needs to supply the grace to live in brokenness." Or something like that. Idk.

Like I said, I need to spend some more time thinking and reading and praying through the topic more. 

I've never felt more whole.

But the question is am I giving up eternity for this bliss? Is there a way that it can work together? I can't go back to hating myself day in and day out. I want the best for both me and SH. I can't promise the future. I can't promise anything until I figure this out, but at least I'm alive and I'm moving forward, whereas before I was static and unwilling to move in any direction slowly feeling more and more empty. 

Jesus, show me again who you are and your grace. Lead me in truth and help me figure out what you need from us. Help us experience your lavish grace and love. Give me fresh faith and help me show your love to those around me.

What Do I Want?

Yo

So, I was super confused earlier. I had spent the whole morning at work, then the gym, then just wasting time at home. Lately I haven't been very concerned or convicted for that matter about sin. I know I'm making choices I wouldn't have, or at least would have struggled with more previously. But then here I was thinking "Oh. I should see if roommate T is interested in coming to play board games with SC and whoever else is there. Then he'll get some interaction with some cool Christian guys who really believe in the gospel. :)"

Like.

Wait a second.

What am I doing here? Am I escaping the systems of accountability I had set up, or am I here to bring all my roommates to Christ? I literally have been making not great decisions all week, and here my brain is automatically thinking about how to best invite my roommates into safe spaces to be more open to trusting and listening to Christians about Jesus. What the heck?

Literally, a month ago or something a coworker asked me something like "do you believe in God?" and I kinda just said "I'm not sure." Now /That/ hit me. Basically any time other than right now and before grade 12 I wouldn't have answered like that. I would have had a bunch of things to say, a bunch of questions to ask, my brain would be thinking about all the possible flow charts of where the conversation could go, I'd be telepathically praying, etc. But instead I said "I don't know if I (fully) believe in God right now." Oof.

The other day roommate J had a friend over to watch the UFC fights that were happening. They had found a sketchy website to avoid paying to watch it. He had bet money on the fights. There was a bong, a couple vape pens, nicotine spray, whisky, beer, comments about the female fighters' butts. Not a situation I'm used to. But again, my brain is saying "act cool. you need to win his trust before you can win him to Christ. don't come off like you're above substance use. don't jump in. just be cool".

What do I want?

Is it just that I have so ingrained these thought patterns and plans into my brain that I fall back on them when I'm in new situations? Is it because I'm out of my last place where I was basically always angry about something and just having that weight lifted off me has let me get back to this? I literally have said the phrase "I don't feel qualified to share the gospel with anyone right now" so freaking many times the last couple years. I feel like my life is so low and like, not at all a role model life, like, not that all sin can't be forgiven, but actively and willingly walking into sin isn't the place to be. How can I say to someone "you need to repent, turn from your sin, and ask for forgiveness" when I'm over here doubting God's supreme goodness, not caring about living a life of purity, actively looking into substances that are now available and legal when I probably shouldn't, never praying, never reading my Bible. Like. If there was ever a time for my heart to be like "just chill out. now's not the time. you can just relax." why instead do I fall into patterns of "we need to keep this course and keep a good reputation and deepen these roommate relationships and look for opportunities to meaningfully share the gospel"? Like, what is this? 

What is this?

What is my heart?

What.

And then, question 2, where do I go from here?

I could easily just quit all these thoughts and default to apathy about it. I could also do a bit of a 180 and clean up and be vulnerable and work hard to believe the freeness of grace in Christ and start over new. 

Gosh.

How do I make decisions like these? How can I?

Taking a Break

Heyo,

How's your day going? :P I had a really chill day at a friend's place. The 3 of us watched church, had lunch, watched Attack on Titan, watched a hockey game. It was chillllllll. I really appreciate them for taking care of me like that. :3 At the end my friend drove me home.

And that's where the questions started. ;P I had kinda been wondering when they'd show up.

The other week we had gone for a walk and I ended up telling them that I was gonna take a break for a few months from church ministry and stuff. Because they know me and care about me they asked me a bunch of questions. They know I kinda need to be asked to really provide answers. I don't voluntarily let much out. I hate lying, but I will use a variety of means to avoid answering a question with an answer I don't want to say. Not saying anything isn't saying the truth, but it certainly is different than saying something false. Anyways, they were really concerned for me and want to do basically anything they can to help me. So they had me stay over. They took me to dinner with another couple. They said they'd pick me up for church whenever.

Anyways, knowing that I expected some questions earlier in the day: how I'm doing; how I'm feeling; how people responded when I announced my break; etc. And, again, I love them, and I really appreciate their concern and care for me. But I don't know what I want. He asked what my plans were to like, get better, or like rebuild good spiritual habits, and stuff like that. He asked how can they help. He asked if there was sin in my life that I was feeling convicted about or that I wish I was fighting better. He asked how can they pray for me. 

How do I answer that?

My heart's first response is that I don't want help. I want a break. I want a break from everything.

And like, I know that sounds really concerning. I know that sounds like I'm leaving the faith. And I don't know that that's what I'm saying. I know I don't want to say that. I know in my head a life without Christ isn't worth living. I don't feel convicted of sin right now. I don't feel much of anything. Maybe I'm apathetic. Maybe I've just been switching off my feelings as a way to cope with the world and the daily stresses around me. Maybe I've gone numb to protect myself and those around me. I'm moving sometime this week and I haven't told my parents' that I've even considered moving. Maybe my view of the world has been shrinking and shrinking as my ability to affect things around me has been growing weaker and weaker. Without a passion or goal I've become very short sighted on surviving the present. My head and heart aren't thinking about eternity right now, or 5 years, or next year, or next month. It's hard to think next week. In a world where weeks don't make sense, I just look at when I need to wake up for tomorrow and do what I can in the moment. I'm medicating worry and doubt with escapism, substances, and avoidance. There's a certain field of vision in front of me that I can see, and so long as I can avoid the obstacles within that field, I'm currently not overly concerned about obstacles further on the horizon.

I need a break.

And I still don't really know what that looks like. For now, I pack, move, and leave this stressful place. I declutter my responsibilities. I simplify. I create spaces to reflect (like these regular times to write out my thoughts). I text people when I remember to. But I will need to think about reading, praying, and all the other stuff at some point. 

I think it's like Maslow's hierarchy or something. I don't have brain power to think about loftier needs right now. I need to focus on the basics and get to a place where I'm comfortable enough to grow again.

I don't know if that made sense, but I think that's what I'm thinking right now?

Anyways,

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. I very intentionally didn't post yesterday so I don't feel bad if I skip a day here or there. I don't want to feel bad about taking a day off if I need it. This is supposed to be an encouraging time to think and relax mentally, not something to feel guilty about if I miss it. Anyways, I'm here. :) That's all I got right now. ;P

Matthew 4:4

Hey,

It's been a season or two. I've just returned from St. Catharine's where I was for the summer. I was honestly not really looking forward to coming back. It felt like when I left I was leaving all my problems behind, so the thought of coming back to them all seemed daunting and scary. But this week has been good so far. I feel like the thought I'm having the last couple days is that God sustains.

A habit I started while away was going to the gym. The basic thought of paying to run in place and lift heavy things that will just be put back is unappealing. However, the feeling of daily progressing towards a goal is great. And I have been making progress while I was away. The other real benefit was time to read. Taking the bus has always been my primary time to read since going to university, but I'd been driving around all summer to work and church and everything. But running on the spot gives you a lot of time to read and think. And you do actually start to notice you feel more irritable when you haven't been in a few days. ;P In any case, the point being, this is one thing that I feel is a good thing that God has given me to help through the transition. I'd been going to an Anytime Fitness, and if you are registered at one, you can use any of their locations anywhere at anytime. And one opened up down the hill from where I'm living while I was gone this summer.

Similarly, I've had a few days of work (which is always good and always makes me feel useful and like I'm actually accomplishing something). But it's actually so refreshing from work in the summer. I was working like 38-40 hours every week and it was a really high stress location where I was. It felt like there was never time to relax. Things were chaotic and there weren't too many people I could rely on. But at my new location (although it isn't my old location, which I dearly love, the place and all the people) everyone is so competent and cooperative. I look forward to working more with them and getting to know them. :3

Another thing, that I think is kinda weird, is that I find God speaks to me through pop songs a lot. All summer, driving, I'd had a lot of time to listen to the radio. And the more you listen to a song, the more you sing it, the more you meditate on the lyrics. (They also frequently talk about love, which makes it easy to connect to God's love and my need for Him). Honestly, I Don't Care by Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber is like one of my favourite songs to sing right now. I literally just sang it out loud at the gym while running (I'm real happy my new gym plays pop songs instead of classic rock. ;P). The gist of the song is that it doesn't really matter where we are, so long as you (my love; or you can read God) are with me, we'll be ok, we'll have a good time. And some of the lyrics speak deeper to me: you're making me feel like maybe I am somebody" or "you're making me feel like I'm loved by somebody". Which, those thoughts are things I think about a lot. Like am I worth anything? Can anybody really love me if they knew all my secrets and sin? But God sees past that all. He has loved me. He has shown me that. Even if no one else does (which isn't true anyways) He will always love me and be there for me.

That's kinda been my head all summer. I'd been pretty isolated and felt useless and like I was going nowhere and God gave me a message speaking exactly to me where I was at. Most of the summer the messages had been pretty meh, but this one used like all the verses that stick to my heart, spoke specifically to my situation running away from life into the isolating desert, and that God is still seeing me and caring for me and calling me home. If you want to give it a listen you can watch it here: God Who Sees Me. (and Meghan and her family was like the best part of the small group I was in this summer, but that's a story for another time).

Even yesterday a song got stuck in my head. And you know when like the chorus is so easy to get and the verses you barely know? Ya, this is one of those. I literally only know the prechorus and chorus. :P "You said hey whatcha doing for the rest of your life And I said I don’t even know what I’m doing tonight ... and you said I never regretted the day that I called you mine". And I get that just from that it's a bit of a stretch, but I started thinking "what am I doing tonight? I don't even know. I don't have a plan for my future. I don't know where I'm going." and that line "and you said I never regretted that day that I called you mine" just got stuck in my head and made me think again about myself and how I frequently feel like I'm not good enough for God, or like I've wasted the last few years or like have no solid plans for the future, but God has called me his. LT way back on the day I was baptized said that day was great not just because I was saying "God is my God" but because it also meant God was saying "You are mine". And God says "I will never leave or forsake you." If He has called me His, He has no regrets. He knew everything that would happen after that day and somehow He still loves me. And like, I know those things, but reflecting on it from a stupid pop song somehow just gets deeper sometimes than hearing it from a page of the Bible. : /

I was walking home from the gym praying. Looking at the blue sky and the rain-soaked ground and breathing the fresh air thinking "God thank you for all you provide. Everything a tree needs, rain, air, sun. You do that for me too." Then I got home and read a book I'm going through. It's like studying a verse a day for like personal devotion time. It was Psalm 1:2-3 "But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."

It's the little words.
It's the perfect coincidences.
It's the feeling of comfort and familiarity even in large transition.
It's a faithfulness that blows me away.
It's only by the words that come from God's mouth that what little faith I have can be sustained and used to encourage others and bring Him glory and give me true joy and delight in following Him.

That's what I'm thinking today anyway.
#thankful

D.Fa







PS. Just went to go link the music video for I Don't Care and watched it for the first time. My goodness. This is an insanely funny editing job. ;P