What Brings You Joy?

Hey there. :P

So, take this with a grain of salt, but the other day I was thinking about smiling. I feel so awkward walking down the street and smiling at people now. It's like my face has forgotten the muscles it needs to use to get a genuine smile across. My primary thought on the subject has merely been that since we've been wearing masks all day at work we've been trying to show our smiles with the tops of our cheeks so much that like we've reprogrammed our mind to almost only focus on the cheeks. Which, I think, is pretty fair. But then I thought, what if we've just forgotten how to genuinely smile because we've forgotten genuine happiness? 

Oooooooof. 

To be fair, a lot of people have been struggling and suffering alone in isolation. People were never meant to live in isolation like this. People need other people. People need casual time with friends to be able to really vent and pour out their deepest thoughts and emotions. Some people really need a friend to talk to just to even process their own thoughts on various things. Isolation sucks. Big time. And like, I'm fairly extroverted, so I can't really speak into the more introverted side of it. But I hate unending isolation.

Last summer I had essentially 4 weeks of isolation back to back. I had booked off 2 weeks for "vacation" to stay at home the weeks before my mom's birthday, so I could go visit her and like not worry about bringing the virus as an unintended birthday surprise. ;P Plot twist: one of my coworkers at Starbucks reported that they had a cough. So one day it's like 3 pm and some customers are saying our mobile ordering system isn't working. Ok. that's weird. Then my manager comes in (not scheduled) and locks the door behind him. The store was closing immediately and we were all going home so the sanitizing company could come in and spray it all down. Be at home and wait for a call. So, I got to isolate for 2 weeks because this coworker had a cough. I'd have one day of freedom and then my 2 week staycation would happen. I literally only saw my roommate for 4 weeks. I knit an entire blanket while watching the entire LOST series, the full Man in the High Castle series, and a bunch of other stuff. But anyways, my point was, I got through it. But it sucked. It still kinda does. I really like my new roommates, so far anyways, but I barely see them.

Basically all I do these days is work, sleep, eat, go to the gym, watch anime, watch way too much Youtube, watch too much tiktok. Like, there's nothing meaningful. What brings me real joy these days? These are all distractions that give a glimpse of escape. Youtube or twitch or whatever, I feel the main appeal is like having a new friend you get to know through the videos. Through Sykkuno, Among Us, 5up, and the Hafu lobby, I ended up discovering Steven Suptic. I've listened to a bunch of his music, watched so many of his Among Us gameplay videos, and like gotten to know him as a person. I want to be his friend. He's a bit strange sometimes, and apparently has a war with his roommates over the placement of the toilet paper in the bathroom, but he seems very interesting. Some random guy on the other side of the continent. Why do I know about his roommate conflicts? It's fake friendship. And friendship is where a lot of people find their true joy in life. Serving others. Listening to their thoughts and dreams. Laughing together as you play a game or watch a movie. Sharing life.

There's no sharing life in isolation. And turning inwards you just find all the worst parts of yourself.

Where was I going with all this again?

I miss the little things. But I'm also currently, like, scared of the old world. Idk. Am I happy these days? Am I accomplishing anything? 

Also yo. So annoying. The most annoying or difficult customers always come by the store when I'm not there. I've been trying so hard to get into a mindset where I can put myself into the situations and protect my coworkers, but I never get the chance. :( I always just end up hearing about how terrible this or that was afterwards while I'm at home.

I feel like I'm just waiting. But I don't know what for.

I got a Frappuccino on my way home from the gym and two of my favourite baristas were there (I don't have favourites. ok. for the record.). They complimented the shirt I was wearing. :P That made me happy.

I guess we just gotta look for those little things and move forward, eh?

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. Here's one of Steve Suptic's songs I like the most right now: