Emotions

I literally don't understand them.

Like, actually. Through the course of today I went from feeling tired, to feeling grief and sadness, to feeling guilty, to feeling suuuuuper mad, to feeling super fearful, judgmental, lonely, it goes on. So many feelings. So little time. And so little understanding of why they were there and what they meant and how I can deal with them.

I think I need some sleep.

So, I moved. Past tense. Completed. Today my last roommate helped move my box spring and that was the last thing. And y'know, it's honestly pretty annoying. The last week he's been like the best roommate. I don't know what the difference is. Why this week? What did I do? What is prompting him to act like a human being? The first day I had moved most things I eventually laid down and went to sleep. The next day was great. I felt so free and at peace. I'd removed myself from this situation that constantly made me angry and mad. But then I started thinking more about what it meant to him. In the course of like 4 weeks I went from "I'm looking at places" one day. To "I'm moving to that place" the next. To "I'm moving sometime next month". To "oh actually I think I'm moving this week". To "Oh, I'm moving today." And too bad for him. I'm out. What does it matter to him? Did I improve his life in any way? I hated so many little things and was pretty passive aggressive about them. I don't think I did anything of value for him. So much of the time I tried to avoid him. I answered almost every single question he asked with sarcasm or non-answers. 

But this week he's great.

Could I have avoided all of this if I had just been a bit mature and owned up to my actions and communicated honestly with him?

Maybe. Maybe not. I literally don't want to see him for like a few months if possible. I want to remove him from my facebook friends. I want to remove any indicator that we could have been good roommates. I'm past it. I'm moving on.

And I think that's part of what's making me so guilty about it, mad at myself. I literally spent like 2 hours just talking to my one roommate T (the one who lives in the basement with me). He was just reading a book outside, so I went and asked him questions. We talked about so many random things (he did a 45-day trip to Japan in 2015. yo. sign me up.) I legit don't think I've talked to my last roommate more than like 2 minutes at a time over the entire like 9 months. We went to dinner once at a mutual friend couple's house. My mindset was "I need to pretend to tolerate this guy for the next 3 hours". Like what the heck is that? I barely know roommate T and like I want to know more. I want to be reliable for him. I want to be able to talk openly with him. I also want to just hang with roommate J. I'm like trying to brainstorm things we could do together. 

The comparison of mental attitudes is just so stark. Why?

But I'm here now. and I'm rolling with the punches. I'm trying to get my old roommate a new roommate. And he's just as complaining about the whole process as he was about everything. "This is going so fast." Ya man. There's only like 78 days until either you are evicted or someone moves in. 2 months is the legal notice I need to give, so basically everyone looking for a house should ideally have their plans made 2 months in advance. This is the window. This is when everyone is looking and everyone is posting options.

I kinda wish it was normal for me to be physically violent when I'm mad. Then it would get across.

Instead I'm stuck in this weird zone of never really revealing how mad I am and just pretending I'm not and no one gets it. 

I mean, I don't get it. Most anger seems petty to me. When is it not? I don't know where the line is drawn. Maybe I'm sheltered. Maybe I've spent too much of my life trying to please everyone around me and fit in and not stir the pot. I don't fight for me. Maybe that's why I'm here. Maybe that's why this tornado of emotions leaks out sometimes. Maybe that's why I have no idea what I feel, or how I should feel, or what I should do if I feel that way.

Whatever.

D.Fa