I'm sorry. I like you.

Ok.

I've been thinking about this one quite a bit. Brought back a bunch of memories I had kinda forgotten. ;P

So, here's the thing. I've spent so much of my life knowing that I'm attracted to guys, but feeling like I need to absolutely shut it down. And like, the closer I get to someone emotionally, the more I like them. So I've had a few crushes over the years on close friends or coworkers.

So many days working side by side thinking other things. And playing mental obstacle courses to keep myself from feeling the things I was feeling. :/ Knowing there was no way anything could happen. If anyone found out it would all be over. How could I make sure no one got hurt? How could I try something and then walk away still friends and having no one ever find out anything had happened? What if they don't feel the same and I just embarrass myself? What if I like it? How do I go back? How do I undo? What if I regret it after? What if I regret not every doing anything?

And so the internal war raged again and again. Back and forth. On and on. Making no progress either way. 

To choose to act would be to risk everything I'd hidden and the future I'd protected.
To choose to remain silent would risk never learning the things my heart had longed for, good or bad.

So, one summer, in a remote city, far removed from family and friends, with a coworker who was basically exactly my type at the time, who was pretty clearly gay, my head was extremely conflicted. Everything was exactly as it needed to be for me to just tell him how I felt and see if anything went anywhere.

So I spent the entire summer thinking about it and playing out scenarios and contemplating and going to church and pretending everything was fine. Acting normal while tearing myself apart internally.

And then here I was one night at like 9 pm, completely convicted that I needed to publicize my story. Tell the world I was gay, but choosing Jesus. I needed to type it out and make it real. The power went out. The buses weren't running. I walked like 30 minutes to a place that had electricity and typed it out. It was a wild night.

So, I told my one coworker who I'd been going to the gym with almost everyday: hey. what would you think if I said I was gay? That sentence. Frig. It caused me so much anxiety. Not just that one time, but every time I said it over the coming few months. The time I was scared to say it and the times I felt arrogant about it. Proud that I was using it for God, or like, arrogant cause I thought I knew how people would react and was gonna break their expectations. idk. It was a crazy time. I don't know how I feel about it right now. Anyways, I don't think he really cared. lol.

So, it was like the end of the summer, I've got this big plan to like use this story to share the gospel. I like, bring the guy I like to lunch with the friend I've been bringing to church and like, tell him about my story, I think? Later that day, or maybe the next day, I asked the guy I liked to talk over lunch. It wasn't the words "I'm sorry. I like you." but that was how it felt was "sorry I've been keeping it a secret. I don't hate you. god doesn't hate you. or whatever. Sorry, I've had a crush on you the whole summer" and whatever else cheesy thing I said. He was always pretty shy, so like, I don't think he really said anything meaningful. We really weren't good friends. :P He was always out doing other things in the evenings. I thought he might have a boyfriend somewhere. Idk. It was a strange day for sure. I messaged him like once or twice afterwards. But really, we were barely friends.

How different would my summer have been if I'd talked to him early on? Probably not that different. He wasn't interested in me.

I don't want to say I'm sorry anymore for what I feel. Idk what I want to do about it. But I want to be real and honest. I don't want to go to my bed and pretend thoughts don't exist. Obviously, not all thoughts should be acted upon. And I guess that's where the battle lies. In acknowledging reality and being okay with its existence, but being strong enough to choose what to do and when to tell others or ask for help? 

We'll see how this goes. I'm not sure if I'm in over my head right now, and I'm not sure where it's going, but I'm currently very interested in figuring out what's happening, and what could be.

Am I happy right now? I'll tell you later I guess?

D.Fa

PS. Heard this song at the gym the other day. I think it was actually some sort of remix of this song, but no one was around and I started singing it and was like "yo. Is this Coldplay?" and it was. :P