My Feelings Are Valid

Yo.

Let's tangent for a bit shall we?

So, I'm a supervisor at Starbucks. I guess you don't know that yet eh? Last time I seriously blogged was 2016 / early 2017. In 2017 I was due to finish my 2-year Masters program in Toxicology. All I really needed was for a collaborator to run like one experiment for me to add like a second opinion that would further substantiate the point we were making. I honestly don't remember the details of that at this point. :P I had worked so hard on reading a million journal articles to write the introduction section for my thesis. Jeez. 

I burned all those papers.

 

Anyways, point being, that final experiment was being held up, soooooooo I had to extend my degree by another semester (In the end they never did that experiment and I basically didn't add anything more to the thesis. RIP). Problem being that I had only budgeted for the 2 years, not 2.5. :[ So, literally August is ending and September is days away and I have basically $0 in my bank account. I went downstairs and across the street with my laptop. I used the Starbucks' wifi from their patio and looked for some jobs I could apply for. I don't know what else I searched for, but I looked at McDonald's and Starbucks. I started messaging some of my previous bosses for references since McDonald's needed them. Starbucks did not need them in their application. So I submitted my resume and information. Figured I'd take a break and wait on references.

That afternoon I got a call: "Hey, I see that you live nearby and are willing to work early morning hours. Would you be willing to come in for an interview in a couple days?" 

I think it was only 10 days later I got the call back and was offered a job as a barista in one of the busiest stores in downtown Ottawa. I'm gonna skip ahead here, but for now just know I have had so many wonderful times at my first store. we got an amazing new boss a couple months after I was hired. The team was so good. I became a barista trainer. And not much more than a year as a barista, I promoted and became a supervisor at my store. I transferred to Niagara for summer 2019 and transferred back to Ottawa that September, but to a different store. 

My current store is a mall store and it is wild in its own ways. I love the opportunities I have to creatively problem solve, to work with an amazing team, and to something different everyday. The team I work with now has changed quite a bit over the last couple years. Can't believe it's been that long, honestly. Mostly things changed due to the pandemic. Our store closed. Student baristas left the city and have been doing online school. People moved. People got new jobs. Our store opened again. Almost every store in our district was permanently closed. A lot of people we transferred, took severance packages to pursue other options, or were laid off. It was a rough time for a lot of people. 

One week in late May or early June (I can't remember at this point) we were working at a different store (ours was still closed). Our coworkers who hadn't been working yet had to come back or be laid off. We were having a team meeting (fully masked and 2 meters apart) to give space for people to be real (and to get the new safety training). We were taking turns sharing and were trying to look at the bright side and be positive. One of my coworkers, who I really really respect broke that silence and expressed her anger. She was supposed to be in Montreal with her family (who had some respiratory conditions that made them potentially more susceptible to Covid) and boyfriend. (They actually got into the news for their themed dinners: globalnews.ca/news/6917202/finding-fun-coronavirus/). She was really upset and mad that she had to come back to work. And that's valid. At this point, looking back, things were so minor in general, but even then all of our worlds had been shaken and thrown off. It had been 2-3 months of isolation and separation. We had all made the most of it, but it was hard, and would get harder the longer it went on. A lot of sucky things have happened over the last two years. You can own that. I can own that. We don't have to pretend everything is fine. When she said it it started this kind of wave of tears. A number of other seriously terrible things got shared. If nothing else, over the last couple years I've always had my team there for me. They've been my closest friends most of the time.

One of my other coworkers I also seriously respect. They have taught me a lot of what it looks like to interact with and care for people who are very different from me. She identifies as bisexual and will frequently bring up various issues or topics that she feels needs to be addressed around her. She does drag and is fairly vocal about support for the LGBTQ+ community. There are so many people who come to our store that she has played a large part in connecting with and making our space friendly and inviting to them. I genuinely care for and love her as a friend and want what's best for her.

Lately there's been a lot of scheduling changes and things as we adapt to more or less business with more or less lockdown. Right now our store is open although it is within a closed mall. It's complex. The other day we had way too many people scheduled and I remarked that it honestly stresses me out more when I have 3 extra people, rather than when I have so much business that I need 3 more. I can push myself and do 3 people's worth of work for a time. I can't create work for people who are asking me for clarity on what position they should be working when all the positions are already filled. My coworker says something along the lines of "you've gotta stop complaining about having too many people. One of these days it's gonna be busier and you're gonna need them". To which I reply "yes, but my feelings are valid." :P She didn't really have a response. Of anyone in our store she should be one of the most strongly in agreement that no matter what you're feeling, it's valid.

In the moment, I was kinda joking. Like yes, I need to enjoy the quieter times while we still have them. But at the same time my feelings are valid.

And that sentence makes so little sense to me. 

I don't understand feelings. There are so few feelings that I fully comprehend and can explain. I spent so much time in my life trying to feel things I didn't. I tried to hide things I did feel. I wanted my feelings not to exist. I wanted to be normal and fit in with what is the average experience. I tuned out my emotions and now when I need to really think through how I feel and what I need it's so hard.

My feelings are valid and my struggle to understand them and the time it will take to unpack and give space to better understand them is ok.

Today I'm feeling tired. I'm paying rent in two places and am pretty tight on free cash. Not like in 2017, but I'm picking up extra shifts. I'm at the end of my ropes emotionally as I sort out what needs to end. And I'm pushing myself physically to accomplish what I need to to give me space to refocus and restart. At the same time, I just had a chat on the phone with a friend I haven't had the chance to talk to in a bit and we're both in similarly tired and empty places. Talking about those things drains me too.

I'm tired. 

That's valid.

I'll get more time and space to think and feel soon. It's ok.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

P.S. Thanks for being here. :P