Taking a Break

Heyo,

How's your day going? :P I had a really chill day at a friend's place. The 3 of us watched church, had lunch, watched Attack on Titan, watched a hockey game. It was chillllllll. I really appreciate them for taking care of me like that. :3 At the end my friend drove me home.

And that's where the questions started. ;P I had kinda been wondering when they'd show up.

The other week we had gone for a walk and I ended up telling them that I was gonna take a break for a few months from church ministry and stuff. Because they know me and care about me they asked me a bunch of questions. They know I kinda need to be asked to really provide answers. I don't voluntarily let much out. I hate lying, but I will use a variety of means to avoid answering a question with an answer I don't want to say. Not saying anything isn't saying the truth, but it certainly is different than saying something false. Anyways, they were really concerned for me and want to do basically anything they can to help me. So they had me stay over. They took me to dinner with another couple. They said they'd pick me up for church whenever.

Anyways, knowing that I expected some questions earlier in the day: how I'm doing; how I'm feeling; how people responded when I announced my break; etc. And, again, I love them, and I really appreciate their concern and care for me. But I don't know what I want. He asked what my plans were to like, get better, or like rebuild good spiritual habits, and stuff like that. He asked how can they help. He asked if there was sin in my life that I was feeling convicted about or that I wish I was fighting better. He asked how can they pray for me. 

How do I answer that?

My heart's first response is that I don't want help. I want a break. I want a break from everything.

And like, I know that sounds really concerning. I know that sounds like I'm leaving the faith. And I don't know that that's what I'm saying. I know I don't want to say that. I know in my head a life without Christ isn't worth living. I don't feel convicted of sin right now. I don't feel much of anything. Maybe I'm apathetic. Maybe I've just been switching off my feelings as a way to cope with the world and the daily stresses around me. Maybe I've gone numb to protect myself and those around me. I'm moving sometime this week and I haven't told my parents' that I've even considered moving. Maybe my view of the world has been shrinking and shrinking as my ability to affect things around me has been growing weaker and weaker. Without a passion or goal I've become very short sighted on surviving the present. My head and heart aren't thinking about eternity right now, or 5 years, or next year, or next month. It's hard to think next week. In a world where weeks don't make sense, I just look at when I need to wake up for tomorrow and do what I can in the moment. I'm medicating worry and doubt with escapism, substances, and avoidance. There's a certain field of vision in front of me that I can see, and so long as I can avoid the obstacles within that field, I'm currently not overly concerned about obstacles further on the horizon.

I need a break.

And I still don't really know what that looks like. For now, I pack, move, and leave this stressful place. I declutter my responsibilities. I simplify. I create spaces to reflect (like these regular times to write out my thoughts). I text people when I remember to. But I will need to think about reading, praying, and all the other stuff at some point. 

I think it's like Maslow's hierarchy or something. I don't have brain power to think about loftier needs right now. I need to focus on the basics and get to a place where I'm comfortable enough to grow again.

I don't know if that made sense, but I think that's what I'm thinking right now?

Anyways,

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. I very intentionally didn't post yesterday so I don't feel bad if I skip a day here or there. I don't want to feel bad about taking a day off if I need it. This is supposed to be an encouraging time to think and relax mentally, not something to feel guilty about if I miss it. Anyways, I'm here. :) That's all I got right now. ;P