What Do I Want?

Yo

So, I was super confused earlier. I had spent the whole morning at work, then the gym, then just wasting time at home. Lately I haven't been very concerned or convicted for that matter about sin. I know I'm making choices I wouldn't have, or at least would have struggled with more previously. But then here I was thinking "Oh. I should see if roommate T is interested in coming to play board games with SC and whoever else is there. Then he'll get some interaction with some cool Christian guys who really believe in the gospel. :)"

Like.

Wait a second.

What am I doing here? Am I escaping the systems of accountability I had set up, or am I here to bring all my roommates to Christ? I literally have been making not great decisions all week, and here my brain is automatically thinking about how to best invite my roommates into safe spaces to be more open to trusting and listening to Christians about Jesus. What the heck?

Literally, a month ago or something a coworker asked me something like "do you believe in God?" and I kinda just said "I'm not sure." Now /That/ hit me. Basically any time other than right now and before grade 12 I wouldn't have answered like that. I would have had a bunch of things to say, a bunch of questions to ask, my brain would be thinking about all the possible flow charts of where the conversation could go, I'd be telepathically praying, etc. But instead I said "I don't know if I (fully) believe in God right now." Oof.

The other day roommate J had a friend over to watch the UFC fights that were happening. They had found a sketchy website to avoid paying to watch it. He had bet money on the fights. There was a bong, a couple vape pens, nicotine spray, whisky, beer, comments about the female fighters' butts. Not a situation I'm used to. But again, my brain is saying "act cool. you need to win his trust before you can win him to Christ. don't come off like you're above substance use. don't jump in. just be cool".

What do I want?

Is it just that I have so ingrained these thought patterns and plans into my brain that I fall back on them when I'm in new situations? Is it because I'm out of my last place where I was basically always angry about something and just having that weight lifted off me has let me get back to this? I literally have said the phrase "I don't feel qualified to share the gospel with anyone right now" so freaking many times the last couple years. I feel like my life is so low and like, not at all a role model life, like, not that all sin can't be forgiven, but actively and willingly walking into sin isn't the place to be. How can I say to someone "you need to repent, turn from your sin, and ask for forgiveness" when I'm over here doubting God's supreme goodness, not caring about living a life of purity, actively looking into substances that are now available and legal when I probably shouldn't, never praying, never reading my Bible. Like. If there was ever a time for my heart to be like "just chill out. now's not the time. you can just relax." why instead do I fall into patterns of "we need to keep this course and keep a good reputation and deepen these roommate relationships and look for opportunities to meaningfully share the gospel"? Like, what is this? 

What is this?

What is my heart?

What.

And then, question 2, where do I go from here?

I could easily just quit all these thoughts and default to apathy about it. I could also do a bit of a 180 and clean up and be vulnerable and work hard to believe the freeness of grace in Christ and start over new. 

Gosh.

How do I make decisions like these? How can I?