What Brings You Joy?

Hey there. :P

So, take this with a grain of salt, but the other day I was thinking about smiling. I feel so awkward walking down the street and smiling at people now. It's like my face has forgotten the muscles it needs to use to get a genuine smile across. My primary thought on the subject has merely been that since we've been wearing masks all day at work we've been trying to show our smiles with the tops of our cheeks so much that like we've reprogrammed our mind to almost only focus on the cheeks. Which, I think, is pretty fair. But then I thought, what if we've just forgotten how to genuinely smile because we've forgotten genuine happiness? 

Oooooooof. 

To be fair, a lot of people have been struggling and suffering alone in isolation. People were never meant to live in isolation like this. People need other people. People need casual time with friends to be able to really vent and pour out their deepest thoughts and emotions. Some people really need a friend to talk to just to even process their own thoughts on various things. Isolation sucks. Big time. And like, I'm fairly extroverted, so I can't really speak into the more introverted side of it. But I hate unending isolation.

Last summer I had essentially 4 weeks of isolation back to back. I had booked off 2 weeks for "vacation" to stay at home the weeks before my mom's birthday, so I could go visit her and like not worry about bringing the virus as an unintended birthday surprise. ;P Plot twist: one of my coworkers at Starbucks reported that they had a cough. So one day it's like 3 pm and some customers are saying our mobile ordering system isn't working. Ok. that's weird. Then my manager comes in (not scheduled) and locks the door behind him. The store was closing immediately and we were all going home so the sanitizing company could come in and spray it all down. Be at home and wait for a call. So, I got to isolate for 2 weeks because this coworker had a cough. I'd have one day of freedom and then my 2 week staycation would happen. I literally only saw my roommate for 4 weeks. I knit an entire blanket while watching the entire LOST series, the full Man in the High Castle series, and a bunch of other stuff. But anyways, my point was, I got through it. But it sucked. It still kinda does. I really like my new roommates, so far anyways, but I barely see them.

Basically all I do these days is work, sleep, eat, go to the gym, watch anime, watch way too much Youtube, watch too much tiktok. Like, there's nothing meaningful. What brings me real joy these days? These are all distractions that give a glimpse of escape. Youtube or twitch or whatever, I feel the main appeal is like having a new friend you get to know through the videos. Through Sykkuno, Among Us, 5up, and the Hafu lobby, I ended up discovering Steven Suptic. I've listened to a bunch of his music, watched so many of his Among Us gameplay videos, and like gotten to know him as a person. I want to be his friend. He's a bit strange sometimes, and apparently has a war with his roommates over the placement of the toilet paper in the bathroom, but he seems very interesting. Some random guy on the other side of the continent. Why do I know about his roommate conflicts? It's fake friendship. And friendship is where a lot of people find their true joy in life. Serving others. Listening to their thoughts and dreams. Laughing together as you play a game or watch a movie. Sharing life.

There's no sharing life in isolation. And turning inwards you just find all the worst parts of yourself.

Where was I going with all this again?

I miss the little things. But I'm also currently, like, scared of the old world. Idk. Am I happy these days? Am I accomplishing anything? 

Also yo. So annoying. The most annoying or difficult customers always come by the store when I'm not there. I've been trying so hard to get into a mindset where I can put myself into the situations and protect my coworkers, but I never get the chance. :( I always just end up hearing about how terrible this or that was afterwards while I'm at home.

I feel like I'm just waiting. But I don't know what for.

I got a Frappuccino on my way home from the gym and two of my favourite baristas were there (I don't have favourites. ok. for the record.). They complimented the shirt I was wearing. :P That made me happy.

I guess we just gotta look for those little things and move forward, eh?

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. Here's one of Steve Suptic's songs I like the most right now:

What Do I Want?

Yo

So, I was super confused earlier. I had spent the whole morning at work, then the gym, then just wasting time at home. Lately I haven't been very concerned or convicted for that matter about sin. I know I'm making choices I wouldn't have, or at least would have struggled with more previously. But then here I was thinking "Oh. I should see if roommate T is interested in coming to play board games with SC and whoever else is there. Then he'll get some interaction with some cool Christian guys who really believe in the gospel. :)"

Like.

Wait a second.

What am I doing here? Am I escaping the systems of accountability I had set up, or am I here to bring all my roommates to Christ? I literally have been making not great decisions all week, and here my brain is automatically thinking about how to best invite my roommates into safe spaces to be more open to trusting and listening to Christians about Jesus. What the heck?

Literally, a month ago or something a coworker asked me something like "do you believe in God?" and I kinda just said "I'm not sure." Now /That/ hit me. Basically any time other than right now and before grade 12 I wouldn't have answered like that. I would have had a bunch of things to say, a bunch of questions to ask, my brain would be thinking about all the possible flow charts of where the conversation could go, I'd be telepathically praying, etc. But instead I said "I don't know if I (fully) believe in God right now." Oof.

The other day roommate J had a friend over to watch the UFC fights that were happening. They had found a sketchy website to avoid paying to watch it. He had bet money on the fights. There was a bong, a couple vape pens, nicotine spray, whisky, beer, comments about the female fighters' butts. Not a situation I'm used to. But again, my brain is saying "act cool. you need to win his trust before you can win him to Christ. don't come off like you're above substance use. don't jump in. just be cool".

What do I want?

Is it just that I have so ingrained these thought patterns and plans into my brain that I fall back on them when I'm in new situations? Is it because I'm out of my last place where I was basically always angry about something and just having that weight lifted off me has let me get back to this? I literally have said the phrase "I don't feel qualified to share the gospel with anyone right now" so freaking many times the last couple years. I feel like my life is so low and like, not at all a role model life, like, not that all sin can't be forgiven, but actively and willingly walking into sin isn't the place to be. How can I say to someone "you need to repent, turn from your sin, and ask for forgiveness" when I'm over here doubting God's supreme goodness, not caring about living a life of purity, actively looking into substances that are now available and legal when I probably shouldn't, never praying, never reading my Bible. Like. If there was ever a time for my heart to be like "just chill out. now's not the time. you can just relax." why instead do I fall into patterns of "we need to keep this course and keep a good reputation and deepen these roommate relationships and look for opportunities to meaningfully share the gospel"? Like, what is this? 

What is this?

What is my heart?

What.

And then, question 2, where do I go from here?

I could easily just quit all these thoughts and default to apathy about it. I could also do a bit of a 180 and clean up and be vulnerable and work hard to believe the freeness of grace in Christ and start over new. 

Gosh.

How do I make decisions like these? How can I?

Emotions

I literally don't understand them.

Like, actually. Through the course of today I went from feeling tired, to feeling grief and sadness, to feeling guilty, to feeling suuuuuper mad, to feeling super fearful, judgmental, lonely, it goes on. So many feelings. So little time. And so little understanding of why they were there and what they meant and how I can deal with them.

I think I need some sleep.

So, I moved. Past tense. Completed. Today my last roommate helped move my box spring and that was the last thing. And y'know, it's honestly pretty annoying. The last week he's been like the best roommate. I don't know what the difference is. Why this week? What did I do? What is prompting him to act like a human being? The first day I had moved most things I eventually laid down and went to sleep. The next day was great. I felt so free and at peace. I'd removed myself from this situation that constantly made me angry and mad. But then I started thinking more about what it meant to him. In the course of like 4 weeks I went from "I'm looking at places" one day. To "I'm moving to that place" the next. To "I'm moving sometime next month". To "oh actually I think I'm moving this week". To "Oh, I'm moving today." And too bad for him. I'm out. What does it matter to him? Did I improve his life in any way? I hated so many little things and was pretty passive aggressive about them. I don't think I did anything of value for him. So much of the time I tried to avoid him. I answered almost every single question he asked with sarcasm or non-answers. 

But this week he's great.

Could I have avoided all of this if I had just been a bit mature and owned up to my actions and communicated honestly with him?

Maybe. Maybe not. I literally don't want to see him for like a few months if possible. I want to remove him from my facebook friends. I want to remove any indicator that we could have been good roommates. I'm past it. I'm moving on.

And I think that's part of what's making me so guilty about it, mad at myself. I literally spent like 2 hours just talking to my one roommate T (the one who lives in the basement with me). He was just reading a book outside, so I went and asked him questions. We talked about so many random things (he did a 45-day trip to Japan in 2015. yo. sign me up.) I legit don't think I've talked to my last roommate more than like 2 minutes at a time over the entire like 9 months. We went to dinner once at a mutual friend couple's house. My mindset was "I need to pretend to tolerate this guy for the next 3 hours". Like what the heck is that? I barely know roommate T and like I want to know more. I want to be reliable for him. I want to be able to talk openly with him. I also want to just hang with roommate J. I'm like trying to brainstorm things we could do together. 

The comparison of mental attitudes is just so stark. Why?

But I'm here now. and I'm rolling with the punches. I'm trying to get my old roommate a new roommate. And he's just as complaining about the whole process as he was about everything. "This is going so fast." Ya man. There's only like 78 days until either you are evicted or someone moves in. 2 months is the legal notice I need to give, so basically everyone looking for a house should ideally have their plans made 2 months in advance. This is the window. This is when everyone is looking and everyone is posting options.

I kinda wish it was normal for me to be physically violent when I'm mad. Then it would get across.

Instead I'm stuck in this weird zone of never really revealing how mad I am and just pretending I'm not and no one gets it. 

I mean, I don't get it. Most anger seems petty to me. When is it not? I don't know where the line is drawn. Maybe I'm sheltered. Maybe I've spent too much of my life trying to please everyone around me and fit in and not stir the pot. I don't fight for me. Maybe that's why I'm here. Maybe that's why this tornado of emotions leaks out sometimes. Maybe that's why I have no idea what I feel, or how I should feel, or what I should do if I feel that way.

Whatever.

D.Fa

Taking a Break

Heyo,

How's your day going? :P I had a really chill day at a friend's place. The 3 of us watched church, had lunch, watched Attack on Titan, watched a hockey game. It was chillllllll. I really appreciate them for taking care of me like that. :3 At the end my friend drove me home.

And that's where the questions started. ;P I had kinda been wondering when they'd show up.

The other week we had gone for a walk and I ended up telling them that I was gonna take a break for a few months from church ministry and stuff. Because they know me and care about me they asked me a bunch of questions. They know I kinda need to be asked to really provide answers. I don't voluntarily let much out. I hate lying, but I will use a variety of means to avoid answering a question with an answer I don't want to say. Not saying anything isn't saying the truth, but it certainly is different than saying something false. Anyways, they were really concerned for me and want to do basically anything they can to help me. So they had me stay over. They took me to dinner with another couple. They said they'd pick me up for church whenever.

Anyways, knowing that I expected some questions earlier in the day: how I'm doing; how I'm feeling; how people responded when I announced my break; etc. And, again, I love them, and I really appreciate their concern and care for me. But I don't know what I want. He asked what my plans were to like, get better, or like rebuild good spiritual habits, and stuff like that. He asked how can they help. He asked if there was sin in my life that I was feeling convicted about or that I wish I was fighting better. He asked how can they pray for me. 

How do I answer that?

My heart's first response is that I don't want help. I want a break. I want a break from everything.

And like, I know that sounds really concerning. I know that sounds like I'm leaving the faith. And I don't know that that's what I'm saying. I know I don't want to say that. I know in my head a life without Christ isn't worth living. I don't feel convicted of sin right now. I don't feel much of anything. Maybe I'm apathetic. Maybe I've just been switching off my feelings as a way to cope with the world and the daily stresses around me. Maybe I've gone numb to protect myself and those around me. I'm moving sometime this week and I haven't told my parents' that I've even considered moving. Maybe my view of the world has been shrinking and shrinking as my ability to affect things around me has been growing weaker and weaker. Without a passion or goal I've become very short sighted on surviving the present. My head and heart aren't thinking about eternity right now, or 5 years, or next year, or next month. It's hard to think next week. In a world where weeks don't make sense, I just look at when I need to wake up for tomorrow and do what I can in the moment. I'm medicating worry and doubt with escapism, substances, and avoidance. There's a certain field of vision in front of me that I can see, and so long as I can avoid the obstacles within that field, I'm currently not overly concerned about obstacles further on the horizon.

I need a break.

And I still don't really know what that looks like. For now, I pack, move, and leave this stressful place. I declutter my responsibilities. I simplify. I create spaces to reflect (like these regular times to write out my thoughts). I text people when I remember to. But I will need to think about reading, praying, and all the other stuff at some point. 

I think it's like Maslow's hierarchy or something. I don't have brain power to think about loftier needs right now. I need to focus on the basics and get to a place where I'm comfortable enough to grow again.

I don't know if that made sense, but I think that's what I'm thinking right now?

Anyways,

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. I very intentionally didn't post yesterday so I don't feel bad if I skip a day here or there. I don't want to feel bad about taking a day off if I need it. This is supposed to be an encouraging time to think and relax mentally, not something to feel guilty about if I miss it. Anyways, I'm here. :) That's all I got right now. ;P

I'm Basically a Nomad

 Yo.

So, I'm preparing to move. Which, honestly, was a phrase I was kinda hoping I wouldn't be saying for a while. Starting May 2019 I had moved every 4 months until this September. I've been here since then. Not gonna lie, I reaaaaaaaally miss my place back 2 years ago. I was living with a guy I basically consider my best friend, in a really cool modern condo, in a really good part of town, working at a great Starbucks store, and my Masters was finally done. but I needed a change. I was tired and burnt out (sounds a little familiar eh?). So we left the city, gave our 2 months notice, and went to live with his parents for the summer.

God really provided in that move.

That's what I thought. That's how I saw things. With how quickly decisions had to be made we went from living in Ottawa with no changes one day, to preparing to leave the city in two weeks. I prepared to have no job for a few weeks or more. I cancelled payments to my TFSA. I prepared to have nothing for a bit. And as I was walking home from work early one day I got a call from my future boss who had previously said I could probably be transferred over as a barista. She called to inform me that she had talked to my current boss and was really in need of a supervisor that was focused on standards and routines and store operations (yo. that's me) and that she had a store that could use me for a couple weeks as I get added to the upcoming schedules. Yo. I'm moving and keeping my job at full pay, with shifts the week I arrive. Went from bankrupt to able to pay my two rents, and ended up making a good amount of savings that summer.

Anyways, lived at my parents' one semester. Moved in to where my roommate had been for a semester after he went back to Niagara (he only had one semester left). The world shut down in March, but me and one of my now current roommates had already planned a place to live for the summer (long story short, the lease wasn't renewed on the place we had been and he needed to live somewhere for 4 months before getting married). So, in May I moved to another place for the summer (he ended up in Toronto most of the summer with the option to work from home allowing him to). And in September I moved in here with my now current roommate. We looked at like 4 or 5 other places that were more my price point, but they were all reallllllll sketch. This place is nice. It's a little high for me, but the landlady could definitely charge more. It doesn't really have real issues. The main issue for me though, is my roommate.

So, and I'll state this upfront, he isn't a bad guy. He's a little quirky, but he is a good guy. He does a lot of good stuff for church and his family. He's working a job he doesn't really care that much for. He's got nothing to do outside the house because he's a coder and a gamer. So he's always on his computer. But when he's not, he's in the kitchen washing dishes, or cooking a fairly complex dinner at midnight. Ya. The thing that really makes us incompatible is our schedules. He's a 10-3 on the dot kinda guy and depending on the day I need to be up by 6, 8, or 10. Lately, it's 1-2 times a week I'm up at 6. That's 3 hours after he goes to bed. And like, he's generally not loud in his room (although the walls are fairly thin, he does speak more quietly when he knows I'm trying to sleep), but in the kitchen cooking full pot roasts and soups and casseroles at 11 or midnight when my door really doesn't keep much light or sound out is reallllly not helpful. He also tends to be extremely passive; lots of talking "to himself" but like only when I'm in earshot; or like hovering to see what I'm doing; or asking me really unnecessary questions like "how's the weather?" when I've been inside for 4 hours; or like not using his words just a lot of "hmmm?"s. And I have nowhere to get away from it.

I kept finding myself asking if I could stay here longer? Could I live with him longer? Would I rather live with strangers? Could I just talk to him and resolve these things?

I didn't want to.

And that's saying something, because I really don't want much these days. But I had built up a lot of anger towards him, and I just need to get away. So I started browsing some listings. Looked around. Sent some messages. Didn't expect much because I was planning to move in September, and was looking around in May. I expected that July would be a good time to really take it seriously. whenever I'd scroll on facebook I'd get the facebook market ads for places nearby that were similar to my previous searches. And so I sent off some more messages. I got a message back.

This place sounded pretty good. Good price. Great location. I'd have a couple more roommates, which is probably good for me. Oh, the lease starts in June, and did I mention I have a couple mice to bring with me? Might as well see it, but it's unlikely that I'll sign. It would really come down to meshing well with the 4 guys there. If I'm just an outsider among them it would be bad for sure. If they're pretty cool it could work, maybe.

Went to see the place one day before work. I took an extra shift, just in case I need to start paying extra rent. Did my due diligence as far as looking for mold under sinks and whatever. But I mainly needed to meet the guys. The one I had been messaging was out. The guy that manages the house showed me around, he was chill. Got back to the living room and another one of the guys was there. So I talked with the two of them for a bit. The third guy passed by briefly at one point. Apparently they'd all like gone to elementary school or something together way back and just happened to end up living together. They're all really chill guys that kinda just go with the flow. All four of them had been working from home as of late with government jobs. Pretty normal here in Ottawa. My room would be in the basement and share a bathroom with guy #3, who is the tidiest of the group. A little intimidating, but he seemed cool too. Ended up finding out that that second guy went to highschool with me when I was in grade 12; he was in grade 9 then. Small talk could only go so far and they needed to get back to work. I walked away pretty excited about it, but a little torn by the prospect of paying so much rent this summer. 

So I walked to work. I was like an hour early because I had expected to be at the house a bit longer. So I sat in the back and just talked to whoever was on break. They each had wondered why I was there so early, and, I had complained a fair amount about my current roommate, so I kinda just filled them all in on the house I had just seen. I was enthusiastically telling them about they guys, my connection to them through that guy in highschool, my mutual friends with the 4th guy I'd been messaging, how much rent I'd be saving monthly, how my bedroom would be bigger, how there were two living rooms, how there was like 4 times more counter space in the kitchen. I went on and on. I worked. I went home. I planned to sleep on it.

But then it hit me.

I'd been so excited about it that I literally talked about it for an hour. What would I do if it got sold before I got back to them? So I messaged him back and said I'm in if they're cool with me. I paid rent (wait a sec. I need to pay my current roommate. There.), got the key the other day, talked more with the 1st and 4th guys, made sure they were cool with my mice, and walked off into the sunset. ;P I could move any day. I looked it up, the car sharing program I'm signed up for has a small van available and it'd be way cheaper than renting a moving van.

So now it's really hit. I'm packing. I'm moving. I won't have to be mad at my roommate, or try in vain to hide from him. I can get a new start again.

I'm really excited to get to know my new four roommates and live in a bigger place. :)

Anyways, I gotta go sleep.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. I've been really into the whole Offline TV gang and got into their Among Us stuff this last year. It's led down a rabbit hole into listening to a whole bunch of streamers' personal music. Here's what I've been listening to while writing this, but like, a 1 hour version. ;P LilyPichu is pretty great. :3

My Feelings Are Valid

Yo.

Let's tangent for a bit shall we?

So, I'm a supervisor at Starbucks. I guess you don't know that yet eh? Last time I seriously blogged was 2016 / early 2017. In 2017 I was due to finish my 2-year Masters program in Toxicology. All I really needed was for a collaborator to run like one experiment for me to add like a second opinion that would further substantiate the point we were making. I honestly don't remember the details of that at this point. :P I had worked so hard on reading a million journal articles to write the introduction section for my thesis. Jeez. 

I burned all those papers.

 

Anyways, point being, that final experiment was being held up, soooooooo I had to extend my degree by another semester (In the end they never did that experiment and I basically didn't add anything more to the thesis. RIP). Problem being that I had only budgeted for the 2 years, not 2.5. :[ So, literally August is ending and September is days away and I have basically $0 in my bank account. I went downstairs and across the street with my laptop. I used the Starbucks' wifi from their patio and looked for some jobs I could apply for. I don't know what else I searched for, but I looked at McDonald's and Starbucks. I started messaging some of my previous bosses for references since McDonald's needed them. Starbucks did not need them in their application. So I submitted my resume and information. Figured I'd take a break and wait on references.

That afternoon I got a call: "Hey, I see that you live nearby and are willing to work early morning hours. Would you be willing to come in for an interview in a couple days?" 

I think it was only 10 days later I got the call back and was offered a job as a barista in one of the busiest stores in downtown Ottawa. I'm gonna skip ahead here, but for now just know I have had so many wonderful times at my first store. we got an amazing new boss a couple months after I was hired. The team was so good. I became a barista trainer. And not much more than a year as a barista, I promoted and became a supervisor at my store. I transferred to Niagara for summer 2019 and transferred back to Ottawa that September, but to a different store. 

My current store is a mall store and it is wild in its own ways. I love the opportunities I have to creatively problem solve, to work with an amazing team, and to something different everyday. The team I work with now has changed quite a bit over the last couple years. Can't believe it's been that long, honestly. Mostly things changed due to the pandemic. Our store closed. Student baristas left the city and have been doing online school. People moved. People got new jobs. Our store opened again. Almost every store in our district was permanently closed. A lot of people we transferred, took severance packages to pursue other options, or were laid off. It was a rough time for a lot of people. 

One week in late May or early June (I can't remember at this point) we were working at a different store (ours was still closed). Our coworkers who hadn't been working yet had to come back or be laid off. We were having a team meeting (fully masked and 2 meters apart) to give space for people to be real (and to get the new safety training). We were taking turns sharing and were trying to look at the bright side and be positive. One of my coworkers, who I really really respect broke that silence and expressed her anger. She was supposed to be in Montreal with her family (who had some respiratory conditions that made them potentially more susceptible to Covid) and boyfriend. (They actually got into the news for their themed dinners: globalnews.ca/news/6917202/finding-fun-coronavirus/). She was really upset and mad that she had to come back to work. And that's valid. At this point, looking back, things were so minor in general, but even then all of our worlds had been shaken and thrown off. It had been 2-3 months of isolation and separation. We had all made the most of it, but it was hard, and would get harder the longer it went on. A lot of sucky things have happened over the last two years. You can own that. I can own that. We don't have to pretend everything is fine. When she said it it started this kind of wave of tears. A number of other seriously terrible things got shared. If nothing else, over the last couple years I've always had my team there for me. They've been my closest friends most of the time.

One of my other coworkers I also seriously respect. They have taught me a lot of what it looks like to interact with and care for people who are very different from me. She identifies as bisexual and will frequently bring up various issues or topics that she feels needs to be addressed around her. She does drag and is fairly vocal about support for the LGBTQ+ community. There are so many people who come to our store that she has played a large part in connecting with and making our space friendly and inviting to them. I genuinely care for and love her as a friend and want what's best for her.

Lately there's been a lot of scheduling changes and things as we adapt to more or less business with more or less lockdown. Right now our store is open although it is within a closed mall. It's complex. The other day we had way too many people scheduled and I remarked that it honestly stresses me out more when I have 3 extra people, rather than when I have so much business that I need 3 more. I can push myself and do 3 people's worth of work for a time. I can't create work for people who are asking me for clarity on what position they should be working when all the positions are already filled. My coworker says something along the lines of "you've gotta stop complaining about having too many people. One of these days it's gonna be busier and you're gonna need them". To which I reply "yes, but my feelings are valid." :P She didn't really have a response. Of anyone in our store she should be one of the most strongly in agreement that no matter what you're feeling, it's valid.

In the moment, I was kinda joking. Like yes, I need to enjoy the quieter times while we still have them. But at the same time my feelings are valid.

And that sentence makes so little sense to me. 

I don't understand feelings. There are so few feelings that I fully comprehend and can explain. I spent so much time in my life trying to feel things I didn't. I tried to hide things I did feel. I wanted my feelings not to exist. I wanted to be normal and fit in with what is the average experience. I tuned out my emotions and now when I need to really think through how I feel and what I need it's so hard.

My feelings are valid and my struggle to understand them and the time it will take to unpack and give space to better understand them is ok.

Today I'm feeling tired. I'm paying rent in two places and am pretty tight on free cash. Not like in 2017, but I'm picking up extra shifts. I'm at the end of my ropes emotionally as I sort out what needs to end. And I'm pushing myself physically to accomplish what I need to to give me space to refocus and restart. At the same time, I just had a chat on the phone with a friend I haven't had the chance to talk to in a bit and we're both in similarly tired and empty places. Talking about those things drains me too.

I'm tired. 

That's valid.

I'll get more time and space to think and feel soon. It's ok.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

P.S. Thanks for being here. :P 

Next Chapter

Hey.

It's been a minute, eh? I've got a lot of stuff to say, and not a lot of brain power at the moment, but suffice to say that I'm gonna try to be here more regularly this season. I'll get into more details and things over the weeks maybe. I don't feel like getting into it all right now. But man. My self-image is vastly different than it was the last time I regularly wrote here.

This month I'm perhaps making the biggest changes to my life that I've made in a while. And I feel like that's saying a lot.

I feel like I've been asking the question "who am I?" and "what do I want?" for 2 years, if not more, and right now I'm so at the end of my understanding that I just need to change it all and think. 

I feel like that's why I've come back here. 

I feel like it'll be a good place to think. a good place to vent? to vocalize? to give space to think?

So much of my life the last year has been escapism. Tuning out not only the world, but the inner world too. The outside world has been on fire and I think we're almost getting back to semi-normalcy as things finally start to smolder down to the coals and become useful as a consistent heat source to make something new. the inner world that has been on fire might be getting to a similar place, but with no one working to figure out what to make of it. 

And maybe what I need is some time to think and reflect and to grow.

Over the years I've heard and offered that people should journal. It can be therapeutic. It can be healing. It can help in so many ways. I don't want to physically journal. I don't want to waste a notebook. :P I don't want something that years down the road will just be lost and forgotten. I wanted a place that I could look back and see who I was and who I became and Who helped me along the way. I think that's why I'm back too. To write down the next chapter and reflect on the last one, which hadn't been written down. When I write here I feel like there's a certain amount of censoring that I need to do, a certain amount of writing in euphemism, a certain amount of putting extra thought behind my words to communicate more than I normally do, but while maintaining a level of uncommunication that I prefer. I want to write vulnerably, and really get out what I need to get out. I want to write professionally. I want in some way for it to be useful, should someone find it. And previously that had been very important to me. But this season, I think I just need to write for me. 

So, welcome to the next chapter. Welcome, myself, to the next chapter. May it be a good one for us. And anyone else who joins us along the way, strap yourself in. It might get bumpy, and deep, and messy along the way. ;P

Ttyl.

D.Fa

P.S. I've got pet mice right now, and they are adorable, and should be preserved for future remembrance as well. :P Cam and Adi, who I'll probably explain at some point. 

P.P.S. They currently hate each other. But they're still cute individually.