Incomplete Composition

http://youtu.be/Z4uXLTD7akQ

Hey, my name is Dylan. I have just finished my third year of biochemistry in University and have been a Christian for nearly five years. With just that some of you may now be thinking, “wait, he is studying the sciences, how is he also a Christian? Those don’t go together, do they?” that’s a whole other story but scientists aren’t the only group of people that are difficult to imagine being Christian.

What if I said I was gay? 

What would you think of? Protests; Parades; Rainbow stickers; among other things? Well, that’s not exactly what I mean, although I do empathize in many ways.

I see how often the church, a body that is to love unconditionally, as God does, is portrayed as hateful and violent, which is definitely a generalization. Even so, I know how it feels to hide from the church for fear of how they may treat you.

I’ve been at that point where you are just furious that you are different, you hate yourself, you scream at God asking “why would you make me like this?” and think it would be easier to just end it, and die. I know these thoughts, these feelings, this confusion and uncertainty.

This part of my story starts back in grade 7 when I realized I liked guys. Our health teacher said it could just be a phase we go through and I really hoped that was the case. At that point I had never been to a church, but I really wanted to have a wife and kids when I grew up. I had steadily had crushes on girls for years, so this didn’t make any sense. It must be a phase.

Years passed and really, not much changed. My crushes changed, I grew older and I started trying to figure out how to ‘fix’ myself. By now I had a steady relationship, with pornography.

In grade 10 my friend invited me to her youth group. And it was there at church where for the first time I heard of God’s love, of sin, of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross; it was there I experienced God for the first time. I started to pray and read the Bible although this was off and on for a while. Later in grade 11 I was done playing around and wanted to make a real commitment, so I decided to ask God to be in my life.

I started going to church on Sundays and made a real attempt to read the Bible, but I was doing a lot on my own, trusting in myself and my actions, and keeping my struggles to myself.

I tried to fix myself. I tried to stop looking at porn. Whether it lasted a day, a week, or a couple weeks, I always had to start over, more disappointed in myself and frustrated that I was getting nowhere. I couldn’t change myself. No matter how much I tried, no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t change myself. Fortunately, I don’t need to make myself perfect to ask God to forgive me, to help me.

When you come to God you surrender all. You acknowledge you are weak and can’t do it alone. But the idea that I needed to have it all together before coming to God, the idea that the church is perfect and only for holy people; these lies kept me from coming to God for so long.

Beginning a relationship with God is about realizing the wrong things we have done or continue to do, and also God’s love in that situation. While we were still stuck in this mess we made, He sent His only Son to die for us, to pay the price for our crime so we could live a new life and trust in Him to help change us.

I didn’t have to be perfect before asking God to be part of my life. So three years ago I was baptized and wanted to trust Him with everything I was.

These last few years have been really difficult. Both being able to see God do amazing things in my life as well as the people I have met around the world, while also continuing to fight this internal battle against homosexuality. Because of it I could never go forward in relationships with girls I had crushes on. It infuriated me that as much as I loved them emotionally or spiritually, I couldn’t promise to love them physically. I was still holding onto that hope, praying that it would go away without me ever having to tell anyone.

I was scared of what others would think. Scared that if they found out my friends who were guys would avoid me, my friends who were girls would never become more than friends. I was scared of losing reputation. I was scared of the church’s reaction.

But the bottom line is this: Although the Bible teaches to hate evil and sin, it doesn’t say to hate the person. Although Jesus may have never said anything specifically on this subject, His whole life speaks way more. He came and ate with people labeled as sinners showing them love no matter what they had gone through, even to the point of dying on the cross for them. But He also always told them to turn from their ways back to God. Although acts of homosexuality are detestable, God loves the person despite what they have done or what they may be struggling with.

I had to tell someone. I really didn’t want to, but felt God telling me to do so. And as much as I liked this girl, I knew I’d have to be honest and tell her before we could be a couple.

I started by telling a couple guys I had known for a while and really trusted. Each time I was paralyzed in fear. I couldn’t get any words out of my mouth. I was about to tell my brothers that I had what I thought was the worst sin.

When I had finally managed to say it, the outcome was always the same. Nothing was different.

In the family of God we are brothers and nothing can change that. We had discussions about God’s love and how this is no different than any other sin. They prayed for me and just showed love.

It was kinda weird.

I have continued to feel God telling me to just make this public, to show how even though I struggle with homosexuality I know God and experience Him in my life. This is no more incompatible than God and science.

I want to share this verse from the Bible. 1 Cor 6:9-11 “Do you not know the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”

Although these things may have described you, either now or in the past, they don’t control your future, they don’t determine who you are before God. His grace, undeserved forgiveness, and love are extended as a gift to all who would accept them.

We cannot continue in these things, but we can’t change ourselves either. God alone can.

I don’t have all the answers. I still struggle, and it’s been nearly a decade, but I want to continue trusting God, walking forward wherever He calls me, whether or not He takes this struggle away. If you have any questions just ask me.

And don’t treat me any differently. I’m still Dylan and this is just my story so far.