Thinking It Through: God Uses Suffering (Part 8 of 15)

Heyo,

Part 8. We're half way through. Yesterday I wrote out the passages from the letter for the rest of these posts. So I know where things are going and I've actually read the whole letter now (for the first time since receiving it 2 months ago). I think I will also have a final full general reflection post after all 15. Anyways, SH visited me at work today. :) He's kinda the best and now he's sending me helpful links and stuff to help me think this stuff through. He's kinda the best. :P Anywayssssss.

"8. God orchestrates suffering for our good: The epistle to the Hebrews reminds us that God uses persecution and other hardships to lovingly discipline us as a father disciplines his own children in love: "For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, so that we may share His holiness. All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness" (Hebrews 12:10-11). Similarly, Paul assured the Romans that their hardship and suffering are orchestrated by God to contribute to and ensure their perseverance and ultimate glorification. "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren" (Romans 8:28-29). In this case, "for good" is defined as becoming conformed to the image of His Son -- or glorification. Sometimes when the suffering and hardships seem so great, it requires some faith to perceive God's goodness in them, but it is certainly there."

God can use suffering for good. Absolutely. Having just finished listening to Genesis, the story of Joseph being sold into slavery for the purpose of preserving the Israelites comes to mind. "What you meant for evil, God intended for good." Or how somewhere in the Old Testament it's mentioned how God uses wicked nations as a weapon against other wicked nations or something. But I digress. God can and does use suffering to further His plans and to help train and build His peoples.

I just feel like this is a bit different.

This is coming up on nearly 17 years of suffering -- to varying degrees-- of existential crisis, self-hate, denial, various coping mechanisms, and a load of other things that did not help. Do I understand the value of purity? yes. Do I understand God's holiness being so much more than anything we can attain? yes. Do I have a good way of facing temptation and not taking it out on myself when I invariably end up failing? No. The best I could do was to stop caring about trying and just ask for forgiveness a bunch. And again, I don't want to try and rework grace and turn it into license. But there's got to be a different solution here.

Semi-related: conformed to the image of Christ, doesn't mean we all end up identical. God has given us each different gifts and talents and aptitudes and inclinations. God has made us all different to glorify different aspects of Himself reflected in us. Conforming to Christ's image will still look different from person to person, but the fruit of their words and actions will result to praise and love of God. Is there a world where there's room for same-sex attracted individuals to love and care for others to the praise and glory of God? I would like to hope so.

D.Fa

Thinking it Through: Christian Suffering is Worth It (Part 7 of 15)

Yo.

Part 7 of this saga means we're almost at the halfway. :P Not quite sure how that makes me feel. ;P

"7. Being a Christian always involves suffering in this age, but however great that suffering is - it is insignificant with eternal glory by comparison: Paul told the Romans that we are heirs with Christ, only "if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him." (Romans 8:17). He adds, "For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us" (Romans 8:18). To the Corinthians, he added: "... though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal" (2 Cor. 16b-18). One form of suffering is the frustration and lack of fulfillment that we feel when we are deprived of some of our deepest desires, including for intimacy - whether permitted or forbidden. Men and women who desire marriage, but live for long periods of singleness experience this frustration, no matter who they are attracted to. But in the end, this frustration and suffering will be trivial compared to the riches of eternal glory in God's presence."

Suffering for the sake of the gospel. This is one of the most valuable things a Christian can do. Martyrdom is of very high value. Taking the gospel to those who have never had it and living in such an incarnational way among them, an absolutely beautiful picture of Christ coming to Earth and being among His people, even if they hated Him and ended up killing Him. Scrolling it back a few scales of magnitude, doing the same thing to friends and family around you wherever you are -- being Christ to those around you-- is also beautiful and is what we are called to in the Great Commission. As you are going, make disciples of all nations, baptizing them, teaching them all I have commanded you, and I am with you to the very end (Matt 28:18-20). If they persecuted Christ, they are sure to persecute those who follow Him and His words and His way (John 15:20).

Suffering in life I think gets a bit different. Jesus came to seek and save the lost (Luke 19:10). He brought healing wherever He went: healing fevers; leprosy; shame; casting out demons; speaking justly; rebuking those caught in self-righteousness; feeding the hungry; giving living water to the thirsty. In following Christ, our ultimate hope is in the resurrection. We will have renewed bodies; we will see God clearly as face to face; we will no longer cry or be in pain. However, following Christ now should bring some level of healing and new life. "My soul is satisfied" (Psa 63:5). Oh that I could say that. I need more soul satisfaction in Christ. In life, Paul spoke of how he had learned to live in contentment no matter if he had little or lots (Phil 4:12). God supplies our needs. God is the ultimate one who fulfills all our longings and desires. We were all created with a need that can only be fulfilled in Him.

While on Earth, we all will experience some hurt and pain as a result of the world around us. As a result of the sin and brokenness. As a result of people pursuing various means to attain fulfillment apart from God. Paul says that if nothing else, we can have peace through any situations: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil 4:6-7).

Is it because I wasn't 100% trusting in God through it? Is it because I was double-minded and not praying fully faithfully (James 1:5-8)? 

I've suffered.

I've prayed and plead, and begged, and wept, and asked for peace and intimacy with God, and so many things. I've told myself that it didn't matter, that eternity was worth it. I told myself it was fine. I told myself it wouldn't matter some day "the angels aren't given in marriage" etc. A friend of mine has been saying "the gay Christian has a different cross to carry, and a different suffering to bear." I don't know what I think about that yet, but I know I feel really happy right now, I'm not ashamed anymore, I don't need to cry and beg and plead. I know God alone can fulfill and satisfy my soul. Is there space to hope and pray for the future while loving myself and loving those around me, even if it looks a bit different?

I don't want daily suffering anymore. I want to help myself and others to experience healing and joy in God, but don't know if it's possible anymore?

Idk. I feel like I'm rambling now.

Should I expect suffering as a Christian? yes. Is the glory of eternity with God of highest value? yes. Am I instructed to actively choose suffering daily here and now? We are instructed to follow Christ and love Him above all else.

I want to love Him more. I want to feel peace. I want to feel hope. Right now I'm tired of suffering for existing.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. Kinda forgot to address it, but sure, singleness can be frustrating. But how does God fulfill that need? I never got that answer. Paul and Jesus both call us to remain single if able, to pursue God and His Kingdom all the more, and if not able, to be married, to find another who compliments you and can encourage you to prayer and following God all the more, albeit a little more distracted. What then for those who aren't able to stay single, but not able to be married?

Thinking it Through: Progressive Sanctification is Active (Part 6 of 15)

Part 6. Leggo

"6. Progressive Sanctification Involves Active Exertion and Means of Grace - Christians are commanded to "work out [our] salvation with fear and trembling; for it is God who is at work in [us], both to will and to work for His good pleasure" (Philippians 2:12b-13). Although being conformed (in practice) to Christ's image day-by-day is God's work, it does not happen without active involvement. God has provided means of grace that strengthen our faith, equip us to do good works, and that stimulates us to good deeds. These include reading the Bible; individual and corporate prayer and confession of sin; corporate worship; evangelism; Christ-centered friendship; baptism; the Lord's supper; hospitality with other Christians and strangers; among other things. If we neglect these means, our faith and spiritual progress will diminish and wither. If God provides and we make use of these means, our faith and spiritual progress will increase. You have mentioned that you have neglected many of these means of grace in recent days. Don't you want to get back on track? If you wanted to get back on track, what would you do differently?"

Interesting. A direct call out at me. :P First off, yes, I do fully think that in the process of sanctification (God refining us, purifying us, making us more into the image of Christ, etc.) that we also play an active role. We are to walk in step with the Spirit (Gal 5:16) and not to grieve Him by our actions or words (Eph 4:30).

I had admitted that I hadn't read my Bible much; that I had been praying more and more rarely; that I'd been very isolated by the pandemic; that I was unwilling to evangelize since I had been so trapped in feeling sinful and broken. It was not a good place to be. So I needed a change. At least I could feel good about myself, so I went to the gym and got a personal trainer. I got a new chiropractor cause my other one didn't help at all. I needed to focus on making me better, but I also had way too many responsibilities on my plate that were draining me and taking all my time. A friend joked about how I wasn't using alcohol and drugs. hehe. Thanks for planting that seed. ;P But that kinda led me in the end to talking to the guys who were in my life (virtually) and the encouraged me to step back and rest. So I stepped away from those responsibilities for the summer. I got a handful of people more involved in my life for that time. And then I pretty suddenly moved apartments to get away from a lot of the negativity and resentment that had built up in that place. And then, I guess I ended up dating before I'd figured it all out. Oops? And then work and life got extremely busy and stressful and I just needed to escape it all and retreat into a happier place. I ended up having a month off work while I healed from a sore throat and then went on a vacation, which again was a bit of an escape. Now finally, I've changed stores and work is much less daily weighing on me. I've started listening to the Bible on my walks to work. I'm trying to pray a bit through that time. I've been going to church every week since I got back from vacation. I've involved a LOT of people in my life more recently. I'm talking to one guy a bunch about these things. And SH really wants me to figure things out, so I'm trying real hard to get my head back into the mess and figure it out. I want to be in a place where time with God is something I desire. I want to be in a place where I look forward to work. I want to be in a place where I have friends that I see regularly.

Anything valuable requires effort being put into it.

The kingdom of God is like a treasure buried in a field. When a man found it, he went quickly, sold all he had, and purchased the field.

Meaningful relationships take time and effort. You need to build trust. You need to learn how each other works. You need to know how best to encourage and support them. You need to learn when to talk and when to listen and when to show up with flowers.

If your family is meaningful to you, you will drop those other tasks and go visit them in the hospital.

You will make time and put in effort if you believe something is valuable. It's so hard for me though, because I think both are incredibly valuable. I sat on the fence for years to both avoid losing God, and avoid losing the chance at a relationship. I couldn't decide which one I felt was more valuable, and I kinda wasted 3 years. I don't want to choose incorrectly. I don't want to waste time. I don't want to hurt anyone. Is there a way that both can work? Can I be close to God and close to my partner? Can I do all the things required of me? "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?" (Micah 6:8). Can that work? Or is the humbly part where admitting my sinfulness and turning away from those things goes?

Idk.

D.Fa

Thinking it Through: Christians Aren't Perfect (Part 5 of 15)

Hey, long time no see. ;P

Let's go, this one looks like it'll be lighter material. :P

"5. Being a Christian does not mean perfection - Although Christians (1) share in the perfect righteousness of Christ, (2) have received the Holy Spirit, and (3) have been redeemed from sin's power; they continue to still live in the presence of sin. As a result, each Christian has his own burdens and struggles with sin. We may be tempted to hide our burdens, weakness and struggles with other Christians; and depict ourselves instead as excelling in our faith, even when we are not. However, perfection is not a requirement to becoming a member of a church. On the contrary, one cannot become a member without being a deeply broken sinner. Each day we need to repent and confess our sins, again and again (cf. 1 John 1:5-2:2). Each day we must put to death the deeds of the body by the Spirit (Romans 8:14). Paul confessed that even he had not reached perfect obedience (Philippians 3:12-16). The truth is that we deeply need to approach God's throne every day for mercy and grace (Hebrews 4:16). We also need the community and ministry of the Church (1 Cor. 12). We need to carry one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2)."

Yes and yes again. Christians are not perfect. They are very broken, but they have come to a place of acknowledging it and accepting their past, because they know they have forgiveness through the cross, and ongoing power to be renewed daily through the Spirit in them, allowing them to walk forward in a new direction led by God for His glory and their joy.

God's grace truly is lavish (Eph 2:4) and new each morning. As He works in us to renew and refine us, we do trip up and need to reclaim that perfect forgiveness made complete on the cross as Jesus died for all sin -- past, present, and future. Each day God's love and grace are expressed more deeply as we turn from sin back to Him. Shall we sin more then that grace may abound further? May it never be so.

So then, what for those who are addicted or dependent or stuck in sinful ways? God's grace. If God wills, He is so powerful and gracious that He could completely heal any infirmary, physical, mental, habitual, etc. I was in Haiti for a week helping at an orphanage. I somehow ended up talking with this guy for like an hour. My French is not good. He went through the gospel with me. In the end we sang a repeating song about Jesus' amazing power and ability to heal our hearts. "I need a touch from you Jesus. I need a touch from you Lord. You can heal my body you can heal my soul. Just a touch from you Lord can make me whole." And there I was struggling so heavily with temptation and habitual sin. These words we sang for like 10 minutes. The whole time I was wishing and praying for that touch, that healing freedom.

I've asked and begged and prayed through "can I try this" "can I try that?" and the words "May it never be." Were the end response. But, then what? How can I feel whole? How can I feel satisfied in God? this is the main question the last few years that just never got answered, and why I ended up taking a risk and opening a dating app.

I'm not perfect. I'm definitely not. I need God's grace. But I don't know what to do if there's no meaningful answer to that question. A Christian counsellor even suggested that masturbation was ok because I had no other suitable outlet for temptation as a young man. She also suggested that being gay and Christian was also ok. But I always argued with her about that.

I don't have an answer here either. Is it possible to be here, and be broken, and still receive daily grace?

D.Fa

Thinking it Through: Approval of Fornification is an Issue (Part 4 of 15)

Yo yo. Part 4.

 "4. The approval and practice of fornification are primary gospel issues: The gospel is what unites and sets apart any congregation as a Christian Church: Each member is committed to the authority of Scripture; shares the same basic doctrine; preaches the same gospel; and demonstrates the fruit of the Spirit in their walk with the Lord.

     The approval or practice of sexual intimacy outside marriage and its approval are incompatible with a commitment to Scripture, the gospel and Christianity as a whole. In the epistle to the Romans. Paul speaks of God's wrath being poured out on those outside of Christ - on those who suppress the truth in their unrighteousness. He raises the practices of sexual impurity and homosexuality as direct manifestations of God's wrath. Because of men's unrighteous exchange of God's truth for a lie (Rom 1:25), "God gave them over in the lusts of their hearts to impurity, so that their bodies would be dishonoured among them" (1:24). Similarly, "For this reason God gave them over to degrading passion; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the women and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error" (1:26-27). But perhaps, the climatic manifestation of God's wrath is the reality that not only are men practicing sins that they know are worthy of death, but that they also give hearty approval to those who practice them (1:32). But, these manifestations of God's wrath today pale in comparison with the judgement to come against the ungodly.

     in the epistle to the Hebrews, the author exhorted them, "See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many become defiled; that there be no sexually immoral or godless person like Esau, who sold his own birthright for a single meal.  For you know that even afterward, when he wanted to inherit the blessing, he was rejected, for he found no place for repentance, though he sought it with tears" (12:15-17). He warns later, "Marriage is to be held in honour among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge" (13:4).

     Jude also warned of "ungodly persons who turn the grace of our God into licentiousness and deny our only Master and Lord, Jesus Christ" (1:4). Jude alerted them to the reality that God will eternally punish the ungodly. In that vein, he raises the example of Sodom and Gomorrah: "just as Sodom and Gomorrah and the cities around them, since they in the same way as these indulged in gross immorality and went after strange flesh, are exhibited as an example in undergoing the punishment of eternal fire" (1:7). In contrast to sinners like Sodom and Gomorrah, there is "no condemnation" for those who are in Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:1): God's wrath has been averted and they are no longer given over to the power of sin; rather, they have been redeemed and been set free by Jesus' death (Rom. 3:21-26).

     Since the one who practices sin remains under God's wrath, the church has no fellowship with them. They cannot "associate with any so-called brother if he is an immoral person, or covetous, or an idolator, or a reviler, or a drunkard, or a swindler - not even to eat with such a one" (1 Cor. 5:11). Paul writes, "Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inheirit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolators, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God" (1 cor. 6:9-10) He explains, "Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God" (1 Cor. 6:11)."

Ok. So, like, I know all this, I've read all this, I've heard all this before. Why does it feel like it doesn't matter? Like I said last time, ya, I do think it's unnatural. I had long conversation with a friend years ago about this sort of stuff and like, nothing they said was like a solution to anything so much as their main point which was something along the lines of "you need to be a child of God first, and then you can worry about figuring out how to obey" like, I was so concerned with how my failures and temptations were making me not good enough, and that I'd never really get over them. I spent years trying to ignore and repress these things and keep a happy face on. There were literal days I'd just go to my bed and lie face down and just try to do nothing instead of giving into temptation. I was so mad and angry at myself that I'd never be good enough. Even when I better understood that God's grace is what makes me good enough, not me, I still felt so guilty and bad for how I'd continually misuse that grace. I would pray. I would beg for strength to overcome temptation and just end up giving in again. The goal is purity. "Be perfect as I am." He alone is the one who can purify. And it just wasn't getting anywhere. Maybe it's because my heart is hard right now. Maybe it's because I'm a bit distant from God and tired of just playing Christian. But I need to do something different for a bit.

What does intimacy with God look like? I asked that once back when I was living with LD and struggling super hard with temptation and asking in what ways God could satisfy me that would make temptation not worth it. The answer was "go to bed". And that was like the closest I'd ever been to knowing what being close with God was. And then not long later I made a bunch of bad decisions. 

How can there be churches that affirm same sex relationships? What does that look like? How do they justify it? I want to be able to do good and feel good. I don't want to let anyone down, but I feel like I've been letting myself down for years. Love your neighbours as yourself. I want to be able to be proud of myself and love myself and love God and love others.

'They will say to me on that day "didn't we do this and this good deed in your name?" and I'll say I never knew you, depart from me.' When I look back on the last decade, I think there's been a good number of times where I feel like I was understanding what God wanted from me, and like legitimately wrestling with following Him, but wanting to. When I look at more like the last 5 years, it feels much more like "I know I should be doing good, but I have no motivation to do so." Like God has been distant. I have been distant. But I've been doing what I should because I should and slowly getting more frustrated and isolated. If something is going to suddenly change and make me want to work hard to be good and somehow at the same time make room for me to be able to love myself while doing it, I need it to happen soon because I feel so much more alive and free right now than I have in a long time. I feel so much more able to show love to others authentically.

If that means I have to be excluded from some places, maybe that's ok. Idk yet though.

I will say though, I do really appreciate that I have friends who are willing to say hard things to me. I do appreciate that this 7 page letter was typed out and sent to me by mail. Even if I'm kinda hating writing these posts because the topics are so serious and I don't have good answers, I still need to hear it and I need to give a response, if just a poorly formed one that doesn't really answer the question.

And with that I think I'm done with this section for now. I don't know how to justify same sex relationships while upholding the Scripture. But I'm happy where I am right now and want to find something that can make it all make sense.

D.Fa

PS. I did read through Genesis the other day and reading about Esau did make me think of Hebrews where it calls us out not to give over our birthright for some soup. "what good is my birthright if I'm dead? Just give me some soup". 'What good is eternity with God when I'm upset at God for making my personal present life so much suffering?' Or some sort of analogy like that. idk.

Thinking It Through: Extra-marital Sex is Sinful (Part 3 of 15)

Hey,

I'm physically exhausted today, so let's go.

"3. All sexual intimacy outside marriage is clearly sinful: There is no real debate about what the Bible teaches if one is committed to Jesus's teachings: 

     First, Jesus affirms the Law of Moses: "Do not think that I came to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill. For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass from the Law until all is accomplished" (Matt. 5:17-18).

     Second, Jesus defines, marriage from the Law exclusively as God mysteriously joining into one flesh both a man and a woman for life: "Have you not read that He we created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, 'For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate" (Matt. 19:4-6).

     Third, Jesus defines fornication (all sexual intimacy outside of this divine institution of marriage) as sin and defiling: "Do you not understand that everything that goes into the mouth passes into the stomach, and is eliminated? But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornifications, thefts, false witness, slanders. These are the things which defile the man; but to eat with unwashed hands does not defile the man" (Matt. 15:17-20).

     So, since Jesus speaks about fornification in this way, Jesus also speaks clearly on the issue of homosexuality: he describes it as a sin that the Law condemns.

     Sexual intimacy outside marriage is one of many kinds of lawless deeds that Jesus gave himself over for on the cross (Titus 2:11-14). It is something we all need to constantly repent of as we look forward to Jesus' return. Jesus did not die so that we can freely sin. The gospel says: 'Jesus died and rose, so turn from your sin today and use your freedom in Christ to live in increasing obedience.'"

Ok. That was longer than the last two.

I am inclined to agree with the majority of this. It is fairly clearly laid out that the natural way, the way things were designed to be, the way God designed things to be is for a man and woman to realize the full depths of intimacy in a fully committed marriage relationship, including sex. Anything outside that definition will be less than, will be incomplete, will be in disobedience to the natural order. As Paul in Romans 1:27 puts it "the men likewise gave up natural relations with women and were consumed with passion for one another, men committing shameless acts with men" as part of people turning from God and worshipping created things instead. There's a number of fairly recent arguments given for the biological value of same-sex partnerships, but I don't think I'll ever 100% agree that it is a natural process. The basis of evolutionary biology is having your genes be passed on and survive. More children, the higher the chances of survival. No children, than no survival.

What does it look like to live a life on increasing obedience? This area, although it maybe looked different from time to time, never felt like an area of increasing victory, but just cycles of failure, confession, and struggle. Some resources would speak of how these desires were good and point us towards finding our wives, but didn't address people who were same sex attracted. What then? Paul writes in 1 Cor 7:8-9 "To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion." The way it's written makes it sound like marriage is just an acceptable form of diverting sinful desire into something satisfactory. But what then for same sex attracted people? Is marriage ok? Is it satisfactory in the case that one burns with passion and is unable to maintain self-control?

Jesus did not die so that we can freely sin. 

There were a few years where I struggled so hard against sin and temptation. I would write the kanji for blood on my palm "血" because "In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood." (Hebrews 12:4). Had I struggled so deeply against sin that I had bled in longsuffering pursuit of holiness? No. So I would remind myself of that as I struggled and prayed. Was it helpful? It was kinda guilt trippy. It wasn't a positive reinforcement. Sure, it made me reflect more on how much Jesus had fought against sin and that He did manage to win that battle and secure victory over sin and death on the cross, that He was a high priest we could always turn to because He had been tempted in every way as we are, yet without sin (Hebrews 4:15). I had wondered a number of times, had Jesus experienced temptation of same sex attraction towards His closest friends? Had removing his outer garments so that He could wash their feet been a difficult thing to do knowing that temptation was crouching at the door? Regardless, Jesus went to the cross and died in my place without having sinned at all. Now, with the Holy Spirit, I should be able to rely in His power to overcome temptation, ya? So, why did I keep failing? Why did I keep having to keep coming back tearfully asking for forgiveness? Why isn't there an easier way? And I don't want to just end my life, cause that would cause too much pain for others around me. It's not a fair option.

So what then? Slowly suffer cycles of celibate sin? *sigh*

I'll ttyl.

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: Jesus Gave Himself to Redeem Us (Part 2 of 15)

Yo yo,

I need to wake up in 6 hours, but I also need to think this through. :P So let's go.

"2. Jesus gave Himself over to redeem us from our sins: Paul explained to Titus that the gospel involves delivering sinners from sin's power over their lives and their sinful ways: "For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men, instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires and to live sensibly, righteously and godly in the present age, looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Saviour, Christ Jesus, who gave Himself for us to redeem us from every lawless deed, and to purify for Himself a people for His own possession, zealous for good deeds." (Titus 2:11-14)."

Again, I think the potential here lies in how things get defined. 1. We're all sinful. Agreed. 2. Jesus (and the grace available through Him and what He did through dying on the cross in our place) is the only way. Agreed. 3. Though.

"Instructing us to deny ungodliness and worldly desires". Here's one of the potential 'loopholes' I need to pursue. The grace of God available in Christ brings potential salvation to all who would receive it, yes? I was talking to a friend, kinda like debating their points. And I'm like, "but Jesus said you're forgiven, go and sin no more." and they were like "what is the sin in this case?" and I'm like "thou shall not commit adultery"; sexual immorality. Basically anything outside the marriage of a man and a woman, it's outside God's design, ya? And they told me how they were reading about something. Like it was only recently around Martin Luther's time that sex began to be viewed as acceptable in marriage, and like not just sin, but ok. Like the priests would be celibate to be truly pure, but the normal people would be living with some degree of sin in their lives. But the thought that "sex in marriage is a gift from God" a good thing to pursue in the right contexts, is a newer concept. What other things need rethinking? It just seems like too much to me to think that you can twist it further. I had a friend who is gay who is Christian and he had explained part of why he believes he shouldn't pursue a same sex relationship is that the image of marriage reflects God and the church, that a man and a woman reflect Christ and His bride, the church. To have a man and a man, would be to have Christ and Christ, which is not the image that God wants presented, or whatever. I don't even know where I'm going with this now. :P

Uhhhhh. Here's the thing I've been thinking lately. If God is almighty and powerful and worth giving up everything, He will supply the ability to do so. "you will not be tempted beyond what you can handle, but God will give you the strength to overcome" or whatever. If God defines this as sin and wants us to overcome it, why does it seem so impossible? I've spent years trying to fight it and I've gotten nowhere but deeply self-hating and shaming myself. Is there a way to work it out together? "in whatever condition each was called, there let him remain with God." (1 Cor 7:24) "But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband." (1 Cor 7:2)? So long as I am actively "looking for the blessed hope and the appearing of the glory of our great God and Saviour, Christ Jesus" and praying for and receiving forgiveness in His name where I'm at, is that ok? Or is it more the way I've described God's hatred of sin that 'we cannot dwell with God at all because of His holiness'? Where is the line? Is a committed gay relationship, in marriage, that pursues Christ and loves Him first, claims forgiveness and confesses sin daily, and zealously pursues good deeds ok? Or is that living in active rebellion because God can supply the strength to live a life more conformed to His will? :/

Abraham was willing, at age 100, to sacrifice his only son because God said to do it. God must be worth it, right? Worth giving up everything that we've been hoping and longing for for decades.

But is there a way that it can work? ://////

D.Fa

Thinking It Through: The Law and the Gospel (Part 1 of 15)

Heyo,

I promise I've been trying not to procrastinate this. It just seems that every time I set aside that hour or whatever to sit down and think and write, I have like 5 other things that neeeeed to be done, or like I just don't have any energy and I push it off again. I'm here and it's gonna be a little more off the cuff because I just need to do it. 

Quick catch-up: It's been a few weeks. Work was insane, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to ask to be transferred. I was offered a transfer. Woooooot. So this week I've been at a quieter community-style store (that also has Uber Eats ;P) and it's been good so far. Uhhhhhhhh what else? My mom is doing fine. It's been way too cold and wet lately. Idk..? 

Anyways, here's today's topic:

"1. The Law and the Gospel speak directly to you: The law condemns sinners like us. If men are proud and convinced of their own righteousness, the Law is "God's hammer" that pulverizes such presumption (Luther). The Law demands perfection and pronounces the ultimate curse on those with the slightest disobedience in their ledgers. The Law teaches us that we are helpless slaves of sin under God's wrath (Romans 3:9-20). the Law teaches us that we need a Saviour, the ultimate sacrifice who will (1) appease God's righteous anger against our sin once-for-all; and (2) supply the perfect obedience we need to stand justified before God in the judgement. So, the Law drives us to Christ Jesus, our promised Lord and Saviour. On the cross, He freely bore God's wrath in our place and He obeyed the will of God perfectly to the end. God promises to credit His perfect righteousness to all who turn from their sin and trust in Jesus as Lord and Saviour. This gospel urges us now to repent and be saved! This message speaks today to you. Repent and believe!"

Ok, so. 100% I do believe I am a sinner. I definitely know and attest that I have done wrong and regularly do wrong, whether intentionally or not. I am not convinced in my righteousness. There's no way I can ever by my own deeds or actions or thoughts or anything else make myself holy and pure. The sinful nature in me will draw me to brokenness and depravity in attempts to make myself feel whole or fulfilled, but only leave me just as empty if not worse. I've tried before. Willing myself into purity doesn't work. Shaming myself into behavioural obedience doesn't work and feels crap. I've had to deal with so much untangling the shame that I've layered upon myself over the years as I hid feelings and desires and thoughts; as I fought to not do that things I knew was wrong; as I suffered to be better because I thought that would help my relationship with God. I was definitely humbled and weak and needed God's help. But I think I missed the message of God's love in that or something. Idk. Point: ya. I'm a sinner and I defffffinitely need a Saviour. I know that. and I know I can't be that saviour. 

Paul went on in the letter to the Romans about how he wouldn't have known covetousness if the Law had not pointed it out. Sin in him used that as an opportunity to draw out every sort of covetousness in him and lead him to death (Romans 7:7-9). The law highlights our sinful nature and points to our need for a Saviour. Yes. Agreed. The wages of sin is death (Romans 6:20-23), what we deserve for our sin is death, eternal separation from God's goodness, and eternal pain and suffering, "gnashing of teeth" as Jesus put it (Matthew 13:42), where the worm never dies and the flames never cease (Mark 9:43-48). We need the perfect sacrifice to take our place so that we can live, now and eternally, and Jesus is that sacrifice. The one who was mentioned in Genesis 3 (the seed of the woman who would crush the serpent's head), the one who was typified in the sacrificial system (see all of Leviticus, especially chapters 1-7) and the constant sacrifices for willful and unintentional sins (Lev 4:2). The one who would take the place of many for He had never sinned. The payment for sin is death, one animal for one sin, one insignificant life for small forgiveness, but the ultimate forever payment through the one who didn't deserve to die, the one who didn't need to pay for His own sin first. The sacrificial system only a shadow of Christ to come, the blood of bulls and rams not actually able to take away sin, but Christ dying in the future paying for those past sins and all who would come to Him in faith in the future as well. (See all of Hebrews 10. For real. Hebrews is the best.) There is no one else who can save us the way Christ can. He is the only way to the Father (John 14:6), His is the only name by which men can be saved (Acts 4:12). Point: Only in Jesus can we truly be saved. He alone can be the Saviour we need.

So, like, this point isn't the most difficult in what it's explicitly saying. You are sinful: ya. You need Jesus: ya. Repent and believe: hmmm. This I think is where there might be wiggle room in applicable grace? Or where there might be the most need for God-sent conviction and hope to change? I've heard repentance defined so many times when I was in university. To repent is to agree with God concerning your sin and to turn away from it. Which is then generally also followed by asking for forgiveness and grace and renewed fellowship with the Holy Spirit in you. This I think is where I need more clarification: is what I am doing explicitly sinful (I'm currently leaning towards yes) and is there a way to make it acceptable (I'm not sure)? If it is sin, is there room to acknowledge it, claim forgiveness and grace, and live in such a way that is for God (depending how you say it, it feels like either pretending it's not sin, not fully believing that God has said it is, making excuses, lying to yourself, or like not really repenting or whatever)? Is there grace to live in such a way that you can be yourself 100% without shame, loving yourself, while also 100% loving God and living for His glory with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength? As written, that sounds very possible. It should be how every Christian lives. It just also in my life sounds like the decade of shaming myself into acting and pretending things were all fine while in cycles of active sin and forgiveness. How is that better? 

I want to be strong enough to do what is right and feel good about it at the same time. 

Repent? I'm going to be looking into this. I googled affirming churches, but I feel like what I want to do with that is steal someone affirming and debate them.

Believe? I think I do. I just am avoiding everything right now. Before I was avoiding everything from the top of the fence. I spent years feeling crap, not acting in either direction. Now I've spent like 3 months on one side of the fence, while holding onto it. On the day to day I don't feel like I'm terrible, but I feel like I might be further from God than before? And like, that's the real problem. 'And this is eternal life, that they know You, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent' (John 17:3). What is life apart from the source of life? What is 'true life' if only 60 years of joy then suffering? I've started listening to the Bible on my 30 minute walks to work. I want to actively try to pursue God again and see if it can work. My head still says it's incompatible. tbd.

Anyways, that's it for today. My brain is tired of thinking this deeply without real answers. :P

Next time: Jesus gave himself to redeem us. It won't be 3 weeks this time I promise. :)

Ttyl.

D.Fa