Hey, my
name is Dylan. I have just finished my third year of biochemistry in University
and have been a Christian for nearly five years. With just that some of you may
now be thinking, “wait, he is studying the sciences, how is he also a Christian?
Those don’t go together, do they?” that’s a whole other story but scientists
aren’t the only group of people that are difficult to imagine being Christian.
What if I
said I was gay?
What would you think of? Protests; Parades; Rainbow stickers; among
other things? Well, that’s not exactly what I mean, although I do empathize in
many ways.
I see how
often the church, a body that is to love unconditionally, as God does, is
portrayed as hateful and violent, which is definitely a generalization. Even
so, I know how it feels to hide from the church for fear of how they may treat
you.
I’ve been at that point where you are just furious that you are different, you hate yourself, you scream at God asking “why would you make me like this?” and think it would be easier to just end it, and die. I know these thoughts, these feelings, this confusion and uncertainty.
I’ve been at that point where you are just furious that you are different, you hate yourself, you scream at God asking “why would you make me like this?” and think it would be easier to just end it, and die. I know these thoughts, these feelings, this confusion and uncertainty.
This part
of my story starts back in grade 7 when I realized I liked guys. Our health
teacher said it could just be a phase we go through and I really hoped that was
the case. At that point I had never been to a church, but I really wanted to
have a wife and kids when I grew up. I had steadily had crushes on girls for
years, so this didn’t make any sense. It must be a phase.
Years
passed and really, not much changed. My crushes changed, I grew older and I
started trying to figure out how to ‘fix’ myself. By now I had a steady
relationship, with pornography.
In grade 10
my friend invited me to her youth group. And it was there at church where for
the first time I heard of God’s love, of sin, of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross;
it was there I experienced God for the first time. I started to pray and read
the Bible although this was off and on for a while. Later in grade 11 I was
done playing around and wanted to make a real commitment, so I decided to ask
God to be in my life.
I started
going to church on Sundays and made a real attempt to read the Bible, but I was
doing a lot on my own, trusting in myself and my actions, and keeping my
struggles to myself.
I tried to
fix myself. I tried to stop looking at porn. Whether it lasted a day, a week, or
a couple weeks, I always had to start over, more disappointed in myself and
frustrated that I was getting nowhere. I couldn’t change myself. No matter how
much I tried, no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t change myself.
Fortunately, I don’t need to make myself perfect to ask God to forgive me, to
help me.
When you
come to God you surrender all. You acknowledge you are weak and can’t do it
alone. But the idea that I needed to have it all together before coming to God,
the idea that the church is perfect and only for holy people; these lies kept
me from coming to God for so long.
Beginning a
relationship with God is about realizing the wrong things we have done or continue
to do, and also God’s love in that situation. While we were still stuck in this
mess we made, He sent His only Son to die for us, to pay the price for our
crime so we could live a new life and trust in Him to help change us.
I didn’t
have to be perfect before asking God to be part of my life. So three years ago I
was baptized and wanted to trust Him with everything I was.
These last
few years have been really difficult. Both being able to see God do amazing
things in my life as well as the people I have met around the world, while also
continuing to fight this internal battle against homosexuality. Because of it I
could never go forward in relationships with girls I had crushes on. It infuriated
me that as much as I loved them emotionally or spiritually, I couldn’t promise
to love them physically. I was still holding onto that hope, praying that it
would go away without me ever having to tell anyone.
I was
scared of what others would think. Scared that if they found out my friends who
were guys would avoid me, my friends who were girls would never become more
than friends. I was scared of losing reputation. I was scared of the church’s
reaction.
But the bottom
line is this: Although the Bible teaches to hate evil and sin, it doesn’t say to
hate the person. Although Jesus may have never said anything specifically on
this subject, His whole life speaks way more. He came and ate with people
labeled as sinners showing them love no matter what they had gone through, even
to the point of dying on the cross for them. But He also always told them to turn
from their ways back to God. Although acts of homosexuality are detestable, God
loves the person despite what they have done or what they may be struggling
with.
I had to
tell someone. I really didn’t want to, but felt God telling me to do so. And as
much as I liked this girl, I knew I’d have to be honest and tell her before we
could be a couple.
I started by
telling a couple guys I had known for a while and really trusted. Each time I
was paralyzed in fear. I couldn’t get any words out of my mouth. I was about to
tell my brothers that I had what I thought was the worst sin.
When I had
finally managed to say it, the outcome was always the same. Nothing was
different.
In the
family of God we are brothers and nothing can change that. We had discussions
about God’s love and how this is no different than any other sin. They prayed
for me and just showed love.
It was kinda
weird.
I have
continued to feel God telling me to just make this public, to show how even
though I struggle with homosexuality I know God and experience Him in my life.
This is no more incompatible than God and science.
I want to
share this verse from the Bible. 1 Cor 6:9-11 “Do you not know the wicked will
not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually
immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual
offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers
will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you
were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord
Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.”
Although
these things may have described you, either now or in the past, they don’t
control your future, they don’t determine who you are before God. His grace,
undeserved forgiveness, and love are extended as a gift to all who would accept
them.
We cannot
continue in these things, but we can’t change ourselves either. God alone can.
I don’t
have all the answers. I still struggle, and it’s been nearly a decade, but I
want to continue trusting God, walking forward wherever He calls me, whether or
not He takes this struggle away. If you have any questions just ask me.
And don’t
treat me any differently. I’m still Dylan and this is just my story so far.
