The following are the notes and prayers and thoughts that I jotted down on my phone during the second half of Urbana. The morning of the 30th David Platt shared about the unnamed woman who poured the bottle of perfume on Jesus and how we need to give our whole heart to Jesus, not just part of it, that missions and whatever else you are doing is not enough we need to have our whole hearts belong to Jesus.
"Everything in my flesh wants to say no to this. Everything
in my flesh wants to remain under my own authority. My heart is so hard
and has grown so complacent to this life I've been living and I do want
more. I want to be free to truly know you lord. To know you personally
and not just on the side. God would you give me boldness to fight against this flesh
and sin and help me. God. I'm so empty without you and my light will
burn out. I need you. I need to be unchained from sin and free to know
Jesus. To be a slave to righteousness and a prisoner of hope would be
much better
Now should be a time to celebrate. (There are balloons.)
And yet so much of me feels somber and lament over the fact that I must
die before I can truly live. To die before you live. I don't know what's
on the other side of death. I don't want to give up the world on this
side. But I know I need to. I know there is grace and truth on the other
side. I know there is fullness of life and purpose and meaning. I need
the faith to truth Him in this. I need the faith and moreover the power
to turn from the old and allow the new to reign. I need the faith to
submit wholeheartedly to the good King and worthy authority over all creation. May He be blessed. May I be made new fully. May I even
slightly begin to understand the depths of His love for me again. May He
give me strength for the immense difficulty and trials that are coming
in the days and weeks to come. I don't want to go back, but everything
in me doesn't want to go forward. Yet lukewarm is worse than cold. Yet
conviction of lukewarmness is an amazing grace. Yet fear of lukewarm is a
blessing. Praise God for how He has not given me up. Praise God for how
He continues to fight for me. Praise God that He is our good father and
alive and true and eternal and God. May my heart be completely turned to
Him and renewed and restored and new in Him.
That's crazy. He was a biochem major. "You are blessed".
God there are so many bad habits in my life related to my flesh nature. God would you help me overcome even the smallest habit that draws my heart from you Lord.
God. I think I have been bearing a burden of shame and
brokenness for a long time and just believing that it was me. God would
you take that burden from me. Would you help me to share it with my
brothers and sisters and would you give me your yoke which is easy and
light. God, would I be yoked to you and ever yours.
The Wonderful Cross in Mandarin
God, this feeling is the worst. I feel like there's no way out. I feel like there's no progress. I feel like this fight will get me no where. ... but I know I have not resisted to the point of shedding blood. I know I have not resisted to the point of full reliance on your strength. I know you are faithful and provide ways out. I know you are good and just. I know your word is there to lead us to you and thus to meaningful abundant life. I know that this is just common to man and that you are always with me. God, I need you to overcome these lying feelings and help me know the truth in my heart."
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