Hey,
I've just been thinking now about a number of things that I'm kinda upset about, and the annoying thing is that they all seem to have happened somewhat because I was hiding what I really felt for various reasons.
One thing is that I'm probably not going to have the job that I thought I was going to this summer because of a miscommunication about my summer plans that could have been avoided, had I not been hiding that my plans had fallen through, thinking that it would be super awkward to explain after having been so excited and sure about them.
Another is that I'm pretty upset that I won't get to live with some guys next year because I wanted to be a good guy and let my other friend have the first chance. I really really really wanted to live there and now I'll have to wait until my other friend graduates. I don't know what I think. It's complicated. And now I'm trying desperately to live in the same area so that I can just hang out all the time. idk.
Another being that with graduation and stuff I have a number of friends leaving, and I'm really going to miss them, but I haven't said anything like that because it would sound weird, wouldn't it? I feel like he's one of my best friends now, but i don't know how to say that properly... But instead now I'm feeling like I'll regret it if I don't say anything.
Why do I need to hide the truth? What even is the truth? Is what I am feeling the truth? What would happen if I always just said what I was thinking? Would that be helpful or harmful?
I don't know what to do, and when I don't know what to do I usually do nothing and later regret doing nothing.
Also, while cleaning today I found my grade 7 binder. Very interesting read. Back then I was also hiding things. I also apparently was kinda arrogant. It was insightful though.
Ttyl.
D.Fa
27.4.15
20.4.15
17.4.15
Sometimes I Need to Remind Myself
(In response to an email encouraging me about having shared my story (link at the bottom))
Phil 1:12-14 is how I want to see all of this.
"12 I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel, 13 so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard and to all the rest that my imprisonment is for Christ. 14 And most of the brothers, having become confident in the Lord by my imprisonment, are much more bold to speak the word without fear."
I
will admit that I really dislike boasting in weakness and relying upon
others' grace or generosity. I try to be independent and confident in
myself. But that always fails.
May God give us
grace and boldness to proclaim our weakness and inadequacies as we
trust in Him. May the gospel always be on our hearts and lips. May those
around us see Christ. May He be glorified in everything. May we
stumble, may we fall short, may the thorns in our flesh remind us ever
of His grace and goodness, may we never forget that those thorns are not
who we are, for we are now those who do not back down or are defeated,
but we, who have been purchased, sanctified, made a new creation in the
all atoning, propitiating death of Christ, we who no longer stand
condemned, but stand alive, stand firm in Him, we are eternally God's
adopted children, not born out of human decision or will, but fully by
God's grace and everlasting love.
Your brother in Christ, through struggle, trial, and joy,
D.Fa (帝法)”
My Story: Video; Written.
“Hey sis,
thank you for your continued
encouragement and friendship. Emails like this and knowing that I've got
a bunch of people standing there with me, together seeking His face,
chasing after His kingdom and righteousness, together struggling against
the world, the enemy, and the flesh, fighting the good fight by the
Spirit and by His grace. I struggled a lot with the decision to share
that video before finally trusting God with it and what would come from
it, but in everything He is good and has encouraged the church to be
bold, and showed me continually His goodness. May we never forget that
goodness and all He has done.Phil 1:12-14 is how I want to see all of this.
"12 I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel, 13 so that it has become known throughout the whole imperial guard and to all the rest that my imprisonment is for Christ. 14 And most of the brothers, having become confident in the Lord by my imprisonment, are much more bold to speak the word without fear."
We
are so worthy, and yet He loves us and lavishes His grace upon us. May
we throw aside all hindrances and run forward chasing after Him as He
enables and works in and through us by the Spirit that raised Christ
from the dead. May we experience Him and the resurrection, abundant life
that is found in no other name than in Christ, our saviour, our
redeemer, our God, our friend.
May that be according to His will and for His glory, and even more than we can ask or imagine.
Your brother in Christ, through struggle, trial, and joy,
My Story: Video; Written.
15.4.15
悪魔の匂い； 四月の嘘。
Sitting stagnant in darkness,
Let's pretend that all is well.
Forget again what lies behind,
Except for that smell.
That haunting, clinging remnant,
Of a past lingering so close.
To run, to hide, and dream,
But for that memory of guilt.
How can I continue,
how could I stop?
To seek out the light,
and yet fall again.
What can I do,
how can I recollect,
those days spent well,
before this insurmountable descent?
Can I ride 'til there is nothing but wind; try to escape it all?
Can I try harder and succeed; to do anything of worth?
Could I rely upon your strength; find humility in earnest?
Could I trust and walk forward; be caught when I stumble?
Thoughts of despair;
Lies which scream for attention.
Felt tension in the air:
Thick, restraining forward motion.
But there is light, there is truth,
and what-else these were but lies.
May such curses be forgotten,
could you open my inner eyes?
O that my soul would see,
the beauty, majesty, supreme splendor of your grace.
And everything within me turn;
with whole heart to seek your face.
Can I do anything?
The answer seems to condemn.
But by your strength, and all good hope,
a faith with which to stride;
may these steps be established,
your spirit always be my guide.
Let's pretend that all is well.
Forget again what lies behind,
Except for that smell.
That haunting, clinging remnant,
Of a past lingering so close.
To run, to hide, and dream,
But for that memory of guilt.
How can I continue,
how could I stop?
To seek out the light,
and yet fall again.
What can I do,
how can I recollect,
those days spent well,
before this insurmountable descent?
Can I ride 'til there is nothing but wind; try to escape it all?
Can I try harder and succeed; to do anything of worth?
Could I rely upon your strength; find humility in earnest?
Could I trust and walk forward; be caught when I stumble?
Thoughts of despair;
Lies which scream for attention.
Felt tension in the air:
Thick, restraining forward motion.
But there is light, there is truth,
and what-else these were but lies.
May such curses be forgotten,
could you open my inner eyes?
O that my soul would see,
the beauty, majesty, supreme splendor of your grace.
And everything within me turn;
with whole heart to seek your face.
Can I do anything?
The answer seems to condemn.
But by your strength, and all good hope,
a faith with which to stride;
may these steps be established,
your spirit always be my guide.
SMS Novel 1: Poetry of the Night
YO!
Yesterday I was just about to go to sleep when suddenly!
From the shadows on the wall beside my bed emerged a creature of the dark!!
It was about 2.5 inches long!!!!
It had hundreds of legs!!!!!!
It
Was
Beside
My
Bed
...
Nearly Died.
I made an immediate plan in my head.
Slowly move the bed frame from the wall to expose the beast.
Grab an empty envelope from the bedside table.
Approach calmly
Position the envelope 2 or 3 inches from the monster
And
BAM!!!!!
SMACK THE ENVELOPE ONTO IT'S HIDEOUS BODY!!
The beast wiggled and squirmed beneath the force of the folded paper
It wasn't dead. O.o
*deep breath*
I need to kill this.
Only one thing to do...
Press harder.
*gulp*
Here we go...
#CRUNCH!#
The deafening noise of the beast's exoskeleton cracking beneath the weight of justice!
And then there was silence, save for the racing pounding beat of the killer's remorseless heart.
It was finished.
The enemy utterly defeated.
The residents of 1817 Leblanc* could rest their heads in peace this evening.
But still,
The fear in the back of their minds.
Were there more?
They'd have to hope for the best as they entrust themselves to the warmth of their dinosaur blankee.
Sweet dream young slayer of evil.
Sweet dreams.
~FIN~
Written March 12th 2015 over 42 text messages. Based on a true story.
*address changed for this reproduction
D.Fa
Yesterday I was just about to go to sleep when suddenly!
From the shadows on the wall beside my bed emerged a creature of the dark!!
It was about 2.5 inches long!!!!
It had hundreds of legs!!!!!!
It
Was
Beside
My
Bed
...
Nearly Died.
I made an immediate plan in my head.
Slowly move the bed frame from the wall to expose the beast.
Grab an empty envelope from the bedside table.
Approach calmly
Position the envelope 2 or 3 inches from the monster
And
BAM!!!!!
SMACK THE ENVELOPE ONTO IT'S HIDEOUS BODY!!
The beast wiggled and squirmed beneath the force of the folded paper
It wasn't dead. O.o
*deep breath*
I need to kill this.
Only one thing to do...
Press harder.
*gulp*
Here we go...
#CRUNCH!#
The deafening noise of the beast's exoskeleton cracking beneath the weight of justice!
And then there was silence, save for the racing pounding beat of the killer's remorseless heart.
It was finished.
The enemy utterly defeated.
The residents of 1817 Leblanc* could rest their heads in peace this evening.
But still,
The fear in the back of their minds.
Were there more?
They'd have to hope for the best as they entrust themselves to the warmth of their dinosaur blankee.
Sweet dream young slayer of evil.
Sweet dreams.
~FIN~
Written March 12th 2015 over 42 text messages. Based on a true story.
*address changed for this reproduction
D.Fa
9.4.15
When The Going
Yo.
I won't lie, these last few weeks have been crazy for various reasons. In the height of school work my application for an internship position next year was declined. And I needed to get over it immediately so I could continue to help out those around me / finish my school work and actually graduate. One thought was that "if I let this ruin my graduation I'll never get over it". But God is good and actually got me over the bulk of it. He provided scriptures to say 'I've got plans for you here and now. Wait upon me and in due time you'll see.' And if it was just up to me I'd have been really upset and rage quit a lot of things. I spent all night the day I was told praying and crying about it. A lot of whining and I was angry. But He got me through that.
Since then though I've had so much work to do on my undergrad thesis. I've actually woken pretty consistently early to go to Health Canada and to go to school and get things done. I've missed a bunch of meals and unfortunately I've ended up skipping out on a bunch of Bible time. To make things worse my wifi wasn't working a week ago or so, so I ended up using the entire month's data on youtube on my phone, so now I can't read the Bible on my phone on the bus, so I'd been having an excuse on those busy days.
It's a pretty dumb excuse though.
I used to always have like 4 print bibles in my bag at all times. Electronic bibles... haha
So I put it back in my bag and am just reading chronologically from where I left off in Numbers. Some things that happen are so crazy. I don't really know what I've been learning though.
I've also been watching anime and hanging with RN. I moved back to my parents'. I had awesome times with BGTD for easter brunch and egg hunt and doing some work for my previous boss.
I'll be sure to ttyl.
D.Fa
I won't lie, these last few weeks have been crazy for various reasons. In the height of school work my application for an internship position next year was declined. And I needed to get over it immediately so I could continue to help out those around me / finish my school work and actually graduate. One thought was that "if I let this ruin my graduation I'll never get over it". But God is good and actually got me over the bulk of it. He provided scriptures to say 'I've got plans for you here and now. Wait upon me and in due time you'll see.' And if it was just up to me I'd have been really upset and rage quit a lot of things. I spent all night the day I was told praying and crying about it. A lot of whining and I was angry. But He got me through that.
Since then though I've had so much work to do on my undergrad thesis. I've actually woken pretty consistently early to go to Health Canada and to go to school and get things done. I've missed a bunch of meals and unfortunately I've ended up skipping out on a bunch of Bible time. To make things worse my wifi wasn't working a week ago or so, so I ended up using the entire month's data on youtube on my phone, so now I can't read the Bible on my phone on the bus, so I'd been having an excuse on those busy days.
It's a pretty dumb excuse though.
I used to always have like 4 print bibles in my bag at all times. Electronic bibles... haha
So I put it back in my bag and am just reading chronologically from where I left off in Numbers. Some things that happen are so crazy. I don't really know what I've been learning though.
I've also been watching anime and hanging with RN. I moved back to my parents'. I had awesome times with BGTD for easter brunch and egg hunt and doing some work for my previous boss.
I'll be sure to ttyl.
D.Fa
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