Center of Attention

Yo*

So, I really don't like being the center of attention. Like ever since back in grade 1. As was typical in my elementary school there was a story-telling 'competition' for the first three grades. Every student would prepare a short story to present. Typically it wouldn't be written by the student. Each student would present to their class having it memorized or on cue cards. After this the class would select one representative to present in front of the school in an assembly.

In grade 1 I was selected.

I had been outgoing and fun-loving and friendly, etc. (as I am told (I don't remember much from even a couple years ago. lol)) But this was a changing point.

I was on stage in front of the entire school. I had presented really well to the class, but now I froze. Not a single word came out. None. So after trying to get me to talk, that was it, and it was the next student's turn.

Recess came. Kids like to make fun of other kids and now the whole school knew who I was and something they could pick on me about.

Each student who had been selected received a medal. It was a constant reminder of that day and my failure.

I pretty much swore that I would avoid public speaking for the rest of my life. Each year I would try to just slide under the radar. I now in grade 4 I nearly failed English because of it. I would always play 'the rock' in drama classes. I developed a poker face, a way to hide what I was actually feeling, the ability to distance myself from others and stay in my comfort zone.

Obviously as a student you need to give presentations, group projects, etc. I was often pushed into these positions and, as the A+ student, tried my hardest to do well, but I hated it. I do not like being the center of attention.

One thing that really pushed me to do more was my crush on this girl in elementary school, and our love of singing. We were both in choir, we lived near each other, and we both kept singing. When we got to elementary school the choir was only for grades 2 and 3, but we kept wanting to be in it and so we ended up extending that all the way to grade 6. Singing in a group was fine. I would often be semi-singled out since there were always so few boys, but for our graduation it was me and her singing a song together on stage.

Grade 7 there was no choir at school, so she really pushed for it to start up again. She left in grade 8, but it had been established and a group of soloists established as well, which I ended up being in. Not much happened, it was only one year, but ya small ensemble performances.

Highschool. No choir. But I really liked singing. My friend ended up in the musical and it was really cool. I wanted to be in it really badly, despite how much I hated drama and performing in front of people. In grade 10 I auditioned and didn't get in. >.>

That year I went to church with my current crush. And we sang. I learned of God, I met God, and I started walking with Him. I wanted to be on the worship team. The second I knew it existed. I wanted to sing on it.

I got into the musical in grade 11 and it was awesome. Got to meet so many people, grow personally, and continue to be pushed. It was a lot of fun. I think I changed a lot that year.

So, singing and/or crushes seem to have been things pushing or pulling me out of my comfort zone, but I know ultimately that it was God who was pushing me and growing me and now getting me to trust him whenever I need to give a presentation or teach a lesson or whatever. In the last few years He has just continued to push me and stretch me and use me in crazy ways. I have seen God do amazing things, and although that means I now need to give many presentations, I am so excited about it, not the actual doing it, but the results. If it is giving a presentation about Project that I want to go on, or the report when I return: to glorify God and praise Him for what He is doing around the world, and inspire and challenge others to go and trust Him in that is awesome. If it is giving a testimony just sharing how God has been at work in my life and my friends' lives: it's great to encourage others and see them ask God to do more through them. If it is leading a Bible study or teaching a group about some spiritual truth: I actually can't get enough of it; talking about God and the gospel to any and everyone is the best. Leading worship team and giving mini-sermons: THE BEST. Singing worship songs is honestly the most amazing thing ever. To sing truth, to harmonize and worship the One who is worthy.

Best part: I am not the focus.

Whatever I do, it is not because I want people to see and compliment me. I want them to see who God is and all He has done; how worthy and amazing He is. How beyond anything we can imagine or deserve is the gospel and how Jesus would die for sinners. How great and incomprehensible is this grace He gives us adn the Spirit He pours into us to help us and lead us and change us.

But, I am really conflicted about this: I want to talk to all of my friends about Jesus, and right now that means to share my testimony. But each of those conversations start with either "what if I was gay?" or "have you seen and/or my story?" I. My. So much focus on me. I hate it. But once we get past that the whole conversation is for His glory. I don't care who I was or what I may struggle with or for how long; God is worth so much more and always will be. By the cross I am adopted as His child and my relationship with God is worth more than everything else combined.

So, I gotta figure that out.

Ttyl.

D.Fa


PS. Is it ironic that the character I got to play in the grade 11 musical was gay? I found it quite annoying at the time. >.>





*sorry I haven't blogged in a while. Life gets busy and I get tired really early when I am sick. haha