A Choice

You know, it is really great to be open with everyone about my struggles with homosexuality while continuing to pursue God's will.

There's just been one issue this week that has really sucked. Because I continue to talk with people about it and everything and be more honest in the things I have been sharing on facebook, I've just been thinking way too much about sex.

For the past couple days it has been nearly all I have been thinking about.

The media I have been seeing and the articles I have been choosing to read have just set me so focused on issues of porn or homosexuality and just my head is out of it.

And like, it really isn't that big a deal. Like if I start thinking of these things I will tell a few friends and they'll give a Bible verse or suggest something to get my mind back on Christ and the cross, rather than things of the flesh.

The one thing I hold in those situations though, is pride. Although my eyes and thoughts may be off, at least I haven't done anything about it physically. Right?

...

So when I do fail, when I do give in to temptation it's like the whole war is lost because of a choice I made. And I assure you, it is a choice. It takes a lot of effort to sin in such a way that no one can see, hear, or discover evidence. There are so many chances to make a different choice. But when I do choose to give in, I am not satisfied. The sin that promised joy and pleasure and fulfillment of what I crave; it falls through on all of its commitments every time.

And after I am worse off, not better. Once I give in I am in this place where I know that it is forgiven by the cross, but I get so depressed about my choices. Why, knowing how God has chosen us and showed again and again His love and faithfulness and purposes for us, would I choose to turn the other way? Why would I choose to go back to the thing that has never and can never fulfill? How can God love me? How could I ever possibly deserve God's grace?

More than that now temptation is litterally everywhere and there is nothing to hold me back. That pride (completely stupid in the first place since the thoughts are just as bad) is gone and I realize how little I really have.

At this place all the thoughts telling me to just give in and try having a boyfriend and doing whatever we want to just come flooding back saying "it might be way better, you know, you've denied yourself this, never tried it. It could be awesome". But I know that would be worse. Even if it was girlfriend instead of boyfriend, I know it would be worse.

It's like if I am thristy and the only thing available right now is some salt water. I have been told so often that it would be worse to drink it rather than just wait for when fresh water is available.

God knows our needs and will provide in time. He alone can satisfy cravings for true love and intimacy and purpose and success and meaning and everything we could hope and desire.

He never leaves us or forsakes us. He is always there. God provides it all.

I know He is worth it and that His grace is fully undeserved, but that He still would give it to us is a mystery and fully amazing and I still want to try and figure it out and know God better.

D.Fa