Center of Attention

Yo*

So, I really don't like being the center of attention. Like ever since back in grade 1. As was typical in my elementary school there was a story-telling 'competition' for the first three grades. Every student would prepare a short story to present. Typically it wouldn't be written by the student. Each student would present to their class having it memorized or on cue cards. After this the class would select one representative to present in front of the school in an assembly.

In grade 1 I was selected.

I had been outgoing and fun-loving and friendly, etc. (as I am told (I don't remember much from even a couple years ago. lol)) But this was a changing point.

I was on stage in front of the entire school. I had presented really well to the class, but now I froze. Not a single word came out. None. So after trying to get me to talk, that was it, and it was the next student's turn.

Recess came. Kids like to make fun of other kids and now the whole school knew who I was and something they could pick on me about.

Each student who had been selected received a medal. It was a constant reminder of that day and my failure.

I pretty much swore that I would avoid public speaking for the rest of my life. Each year I would try to just slide under the radar. I now in grade 4 I nearly failed English because of it. I would always play 'the rock' in drama classes. I developed a poker face, a way to hide what I was actually feeling, the ability to distance myself from others and stay in my comfort zone.

Obviously as a student you need to give presentations, group projects, etc. I was often pushed into these positions and, as the A+ student, tried my hardest to do well, but I hated it. I do not like being the center of attention.

One thing that really pushed me to do more was my crush on this girl in elementary school, and our love of singing. We were both in choir, we lived near each other, and we both kept singing. When we got to elementary school the choir was only for grades 2 and 3, but we kept wanting to be in it and so we ended up extending that all the way to grade 6. Singing in a group was fine. I would often be semi-singled out since there were always so few boys, but for our graduation it was me and her singing a song together on stage.

Grade 7 there was no choir at school, so she really pushed for it to start up again. She left in grade 8, but it had been established and a group of soloists established as well, which I ended up being in. Not much happened, it was only one year, but ya small ensemble performances.

Highschool. No choir. But I really liked singing. My friend ended up in the musical and it was really cool. I wanted to be in it really badly, despite how much I hated drama and performing in front of people. In grade 10 I auditioned and didn't get in. >.>

That year I went to church with my current crush. And we sang. I learned of God, I met God, and I started walking with Him. I wanted to be on the worship team. The second I knew it existed. I wanted to sing on it.

I got into the musical in grade 11 and it was awesome. Got to meet so many people, grow personally, and continue to be pushed. It was a lot of fun. I think I changed a lot that year.

So, singing and/or crushes seem to have been things pushing or pulling me out of my comfort zone, but I know ultimately that it was God who was pushing me and growing me and now getting me to trust him whenever I need to give a presentation or teach a lesson or whatever. In the last few years He has just continued to push me and stretch me and use me in crazy ways. I have seen God do amazing things, and although that means I now need to give many presentations, I am so excited about it, not the actual doing it, but the results. If it is giving a presentation about Project that I want to go on, or the report when I return: to glorify God and praise Him for what He is doing around the world, and inspire and challenge others to go and trust Him in that is awesome. If it is giving a testimony just sharing how God has been at work in my life and my friends' lives: it's great to encourage others and see them ask God to do more through them. If it is leading a Bible study or teaching a group about some spiritual truth: I actually can't get enough of it; talking about God and the gospel to any and everyone is the best. Leading worship team and giving mini-sermons: THE BEST. Singing worship songs is honestly the most amazing thing ever. To sing truth, to harmonize and worship the One who is worthy.

Best part: I am not the focus.

Whatever I do, it is not because I want people to see and compliment me. I want them to see who God is and all He has done; how worthy and amazing He is. How beyond anything we can imagine or deserve is the gospel and how Jesus would die for sinners. How great and incomprehensible is this grace He gives us adn the Spirit He pours into us to help us and lead us and change us.

But, I am really conflicted about this: I want to talk to all of my friends about Jesus, and right now that means to share my testimony. But each of those conversations start with either "what if I was gay?" or "have you seen and/or my story?" I. My. So much focus on me. I hate it. But once we get past that the whole conversation is for His glory. I don't care who I was or what I may struggle with or for how long; God is worth so much more and always will be. By the cross I am adopted as His child and my relationship with God is worth more than everything else combined.

So, I gotta figure that out.

Ttyl.

D.Fa


PS. Is it ironic that the character I got to play in the grade 11 musical was gay? I found it quite annoying at the time. >.>





*sorry I haven't blogged in a while. Life gets busy and I get tired really early when I am sick. haha

A Choice

You know, it is really great to be open with everyone about my struggles with homosexuality while continuing to pursue God's will.

There's just been one issue this week that has really sucked. Because I continue to talk with people about it and everything and be more honest in the things I have been sharing on facebook, I've just been thinking way too much about sex.

For the past couple days it has been nearly all I have been thinking about.

The media I have been seeing and the articles I have been choosing to read have just set me so focused on issues of porn or homosexuality and just my head is out of it.

And like, it really isn't that big a deal. Like if I start thinking of these things I will tell a few friends and they'll give a Bible verse or suggest something to get my mind back on Christ and the cross, rather than things of the flesh.

The one thing I hold in those situations though, is pride. Although my eyes and thoughts may be off, at least I haven't done anything about it physically. Right?

...

So when I do fail, when I do give in to temptation it's like the whole war is lost because of a choice I made. And I assure you, it is a choice. It takes a lot of effort to sin in such a way that no one can see, hear, or discover evidence. There are so many chances to make a different choice. But when I do choose to give in, I am not satisfied. The sin that promised joy and pleasure and fulfillment of what I crave; it falls through on all of its commitments every time.

And after I am worse off, not better. Once I give in I am in this place where I know that it is forgiven by the cross, but I get so depressed about my choices. Why, knowing how God has chosen us and showed again and again His love and faithfulness and purposes for us, would I choose to turn the other way? Why would I choose to go back to the thing that has never and can never fulfill? How can God love me? How could I ever possibly deserve God's grace?

More than that now temptation is litterally everywhere and there is nothing to hold me back. That pride (completely stupid in the first place since the thoughts are just as bad) is gone and I realize how little I really have.

At this place all the thoughts telling me to just give in and try having a boyfriend and doing whatever we want to just come flooding back saying "it might be way better, you know, you've denied yourself this, never tried it. It could be awesome". But I know that would be worse. Even if it was girlfriend instead of boyfriend, I know it would be worse.

It's like if I am thristy and the only thing available right now is some salt water. I have been told so often that it would be worse to drink it rather than just wait for when fresh water is available.

God knows our needs and will provide in time. He alone can satisfy cravings for true love and intimacy and purpose and success and meaning and everything we could hope and desire.

He never leaves us or forsakes us. He is always there. God provides it all.

I know He is worth it and that His grace is fully undeserved, but that He still would give it to us is a mystery and fully amazing and I still want to try and figure it out and know God better.

D.Fa

It's Complicated

Hey,

it hasn't been long since I have brought my struggles with homosexuality to public, if you haven't read yet check here.

So, as I say, I really don't have all the answers and now that this is public information, although I will not be changing how I act and live in general, there are some situations where I do think a change is required or that standard procedures need to be figured out.

The first one that I think is an important change is just making people aware in certain situations. Specifically if I am ever staying over at another guy's house, if guys are staying over at my house, or if me and other guys are staying in the same room, under these situations I feel like I should make sure they know this. By having a quick talk about it we can avoid a lot of issues.

But ya, I still don't know what to do in such situations. Like last semester I was alone in another guy's room and I was definitely acting really awkward. >.> I don't like being alone in a room with only another guy. >.>

I'm sure I'll be explaining more about situations that are difficult for me, but one is like the difficult balance between wanting to mentor or disciple younger guys which does usually require a large degree of openness and sharing, and not getting too close to any guy simply because of temptation and everything that comes up when I get too close to guys.

>.> It's complicated, but I'm sure God'll get me through this and help me figure it out.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

Make Me Whole

Hey. Honestly, I'm a pretty skeptical person. But really, you can't argue with experience.

The last week or, actually last few weeks I have been a little sick. Today after DG just before he went to class one of the guys wanted to pray for me and AG who was much more sick than me. He put his hands on us and rebuked the sickness in Jesus' name.

I've heard of people being healed, I've read about it, I've had many friends say it has happened.

I heard a guy give a sermon on the acts of true disciples, and that healing the sick is part of that. This summer one of the weeks of Alpha course was about miracles and healing, but I still wasn't sold.

This weekend, and this week, being encouraged to pray in faith for BIG things, and then, to see God answer these prayers!

So, I was done, I wanted to truly ask in faith that God would heal me.

This surreal sensation swept over through my head and neck. It was scary.

But then I could breathe clearly. No more coughing. Honestly, I think this is the clearest my throat has been in a long time.

!!!

It's actually crazy. So exciting, but crazy. But it definitely happened. Definitely!

What does that mean for me? Will I lay hands on others and pray for them to be healed? I really hope so. If it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen. But if it does, it does and God is praised! And someone is healed!

"You can heal my body, You can heal my soul. Just a touch from You, Lord, can make me whole."

D.Fa

One Piece

Yo, so my day started normal. Wake up go to work. >.> not too interesting.

Oh, at lunch I kinda overheard my entire section discussing teaching the Bible to kids. . ? I'm confused, but I had a feeling LY was Christian. She's really nice. haha

Ummm. Left a bit early to go to school for prayer meeting. I wasn't really excited about it. I had been feeling kinda bad all day. I had been thinking about SD's prayer that today two people come to Christ and only me and ZL were going at 6, so it was upon our shoulders (in a way) and I was ready to just go home. But when I heard of SD getting to see a girl receive Christ yesterday (and she is a co-op student) I signed up for a slot to go sharing today.

Prayer meeting started. MdS was leading, which is awesome, but he hadn't been to Summit and had his butt kicked by God, so we were a little bit on different pages. We had 15 extra minutes. JC said "why don't we just pray for big things?! like 30 seconds big prayers!" so we did. xP. Only problem is I don't remember too much of it. xP

They prayed and we went out into the quad. I still didn't want to do it, which is stupid. I was getting those good old 'what will they think of you?' fears. You know what? Prayer is awesome. Just speaking with God and asking Him to be there and really use us calmed me down. As always, I don't pick who I approach, I let the other guy do it. There were two guys on benches by the Tory building and I asked who I was going to talk to. ZL said the left guy. Then he started to change his mind. Too late. lol.

Got to meet this guy who plays a lot of video games in his free time, started watching One Piece recently, who comes from a family that is quite broken, but aspires to write a best selling novel in his spare time while designing video games. He had gone to church when he was a kid until highschool. He mostly found it boring / he couldn't watch Sunday morning cartoons because of it. The gospel to him was a lot about working harder and trying your best. He firmly knows that people can never live up to a standard of perfection, but didn't think Jesus was God's son. We got to talk a whole lot about a range of topics and difficult questions and share the gospel a couple times. Pulled out a Knowing God Personally (KGP) booklet after we found out he would be skipping his class and was fine with it. lol. He really got the whole need to receive a gift concept of eternal life as a free gift and when we were on the page with two different lives, he said he would want the one that is satisfied in God. He wants to learn more before making a decision, which is fine. xP

We exchanged numbers and are meeting up on Friday to discuss John chapter 1. xP

I hadn't planned to go, I didn't even want to go, but God brought us to this super open first year guy who would usually be playing video games, not on campus. xP

I'm excited.

D.Fa

Butt-Kicking

So I haven't really posted in a while. To summarize the reason it's really a bit of 'getting used to life back in Ottawa' combined with 'I procrastinated a lot on my testimony' and then a touch of 'I was in the middle of nowhere Quebec'. I will hopefully elaborate on each of those in the near future, but right now I would like to briefly elaborate on the most latter of the three.

This weekend was the Power to Change retreat, Summit, for Eastern Ontario and Montreal, so we were out at Mille Iles and a camp. Over this weekend the speaker really challenged our view of a polite and quiet Jesus, but rather one who gave up everything and became nothing for the sake of the world, and was raised again back to the power and glory He had in the beginning. Then the challenge to really follow Him and take risks, praying for Him to do huge things and then actively pursuing it.

The weekend really impacted our little group from Carleton turning 13 students into a group of God's children ready to work and see God do great things.

Today at 5:30 there was a real prayer meeting, probably the best prayer meeting I'd ever been to at school. The group had increased to nearly double the normal amount on Mondays and this was real prayer, not wishy washy useless requests we could do on our own, but asking God for more, both for us and the campus. At the end our friends were going to go out on campus and have some conversations with any students that would still be around. We really prayed they'd find someone who was desperate for the truth, at a place of brokenness and openness to the gospel.

Not long after I got home I got a text "WE HAVE A NEW SISTER IN CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

WHAT?!

God fully and truly answers prayers and acts when we put all our trust in Him to work!

Plot twist: Before going out SD had earlier asked that God would have bring someone to Himself today, AND JB was praying for the muslim students at Carleton at nearly the same time as their conversation (her family is muslim)

May this passion really increase, not decrease in the next few days and weeks! May God give us more compassion and love for the students on this campus!

D.Fa