Week 5: New Brothers and Sisters -- June 1

10:31

I don't understand myself. Sin is stupid beyond words. We have three new sisters and a new brother and I am feeling sad / angry / upset / depressed / annoyed / 'I don't know what' when I should be feeling super excited and over-joyed. I have seen a new sister today overjoyed to be in our family with Jesus.

Today's meetings actually were really sweet. We shared the gospel, we met a 'Christian guy who may not have a full knowledge of who God is' [but he knew more than enough that God loves and helps people], we talked to a group of girls to distract them from the spiritually interested girl talking to RW (which led to her praying to receive Jesus), then we missed a meeting, went to dinner for pray planning, then we missed the next guy too. I really want him to know God. I at least want to share the gospel with him again more completely and clearly.

I know I am playing favourites or maybe I thought that my feeling that I should meet with him was God speaking to me or something and thought for sure that he would accept Jesus into his life tonight or something... I'm so upset at this, but really, I was being unbiblical or maybe I don't know, it's God's plan not mine. Whenever my plans fail, God's plans show how awesome they really are, so, ya... something good must come from this and I have to destroy these stupid feelings. God help me. Help me. Restore to me the joy of thy salvation and grant me a steadfast Spirit (the Holy Spirit) to sustain me.

D.Fa

[In was feeling so bad when I wrote this. I was in the hall pretty much pacing and silently fuming in my head. TL was sitting there and I probably looked crazy to him. Then RW came and sat in the hall too. I just felt like I wanted to destroy something. Like punch a hole in the wall, slice something up with a sword, explode a few things. Why? I don't even know. And I was not going to God about it. Or maybe I was. Not constructively anyways until I wrote this blog post. Then I read Psalm 51 which the last line of the blog post was from (the song actually came to me then) and it was the desire of my heart to have joy over His salvation that was poured out on these four new brothers / sisters as well as me, my family members etc instead of this slurry of bad emotions.

We ended up staying awake until like 1am in the hall just talking and stuff. I refused to go to bed until I gave TL a hug. Either this night or the day before we had some confession time to one another and I felt that I wasn't showing my love for my brothers as much. I mean I had been 'side hugging' the girls a bunch, but not the guys at all. I made it a mission to side hug DP, TL and SVdM before the end of the trip and I really wanted to show my appreciation for TL always being there. When there are things going on in my head. It always helps me to have someone there even if I'm not actually talking to them. Just them being there keeps me from getting worse. Anyways, I'm bad with words, so I felt like side hugs really communicated more than I could.]