悪魔の匂い； 四月の嘘。

Sitting stagnant in darkness,
Let's pretend that all is well.
Forget again what lies behind,
Except for that smell.

That haunting, clinging remnant,
Of a past lingering so close.
To run, to hide, and dream,
But for that memory of guilt.

How can I continue,
how could I stop?
To seek out the light,
and yet fall again.

What can I do,
how can I recollect,
those days spent well,
before this insurmountable descent?

Can I ride 'til there is nothing but wind; try to escape it all?
Can I try harder and succeed; to do anything of worth?
Could I rely upon your strength; find humility in earnest?
Could I trust and walk forward; be caught when I stumble?

Thoughts of despair;
Lies which scream for attention.
Felt tension in the air:
Thick, restraining forward motion.

But there is light, there is truth,
and what-else these were but lies.
May such curses be forgotten,
could you open my inner eyes?

O that my soul would see,
the beauty, majesty, supreme splendor of your grace.
And everything within me turn;
with whole heart to seek your face.

Can I do anything?
The answer seems to condemn.
But by your strength, and all good hope,
a faith with which to stride;
may these steps be established,
your spirit always be my guide.

My Friends' 'Poetry'

So, my friends/brothers DP and TL enjoy sending me long texts one word at a time.

This messes with my phone (and I will not tell you this again because I feel I have already told you and it is not a fun explaination). It usually does not recieve the messages in the correct order if sent rapidly. Also, duplicates (if I don't read the text before the same text is sent again) end up stacking into one text. TL and DP who were at the UoT Summit (more on summit in a different post) wherever that was decided to text me one text message one word at a time, but alternating who was sending it, so it got really messy and abstract.

Here is the first 'poem':
Hi This T(his name) Sunshine And D(his name)? How is? Awesome Your Toilletries :) Summit We Hung Are An At Time Our W/ Did You Shave Today? Transformers Shirts :) :) Long? :-) I Wish That Had Some Keep Warm Me :) How Is Your Chest Fur I Some to Its Here Freezing :) Is How And A(AL's name) R(RW's name) Shi Ni Ba Ba R(RW) De :) (and then they laughed quite a bit such as Ha Hahaha Ahahaha Tewehee Hehe Ha etc.)

'Poem Two':
I Tried To Shave Fur But I Have No Down South Are How Those Those Pasty Yeow!

I have no idea what they meant by that second one... There's no noun for pasty to describe... >.>

Anyways. I love TL and DP. I miss them, but we'll see each other soon enough and for eternity. They are my awesome (however sometimes ridiculously crazy) older brothers in Christ and they have impacted my life.

D.Fa

Helpless

God.
I am feeling really tempted right now.
It's way too easy.
The internet makes it way too easy.
The isolation makes it way too easy.

Why don't I love you enough?
Why don't I love you enough?
Why don't I love you enough?

The door is open,
but I'm sitting here preparing to close it.

You provide the ways out
I'm not taking them.
I know I could
I know with you I always can.

Why is sin so deeply rooted?
I know this is wrong.
I know this is disgusting.
Why am I preparing to do it again?

God help me.

-Untitled-

To be in a place where the only reason you can see around you is because of the light of the moon.
Where the only thing to see is the stars shining brightly overhead.
To be away from the false light and technology and just lie in a field looking up at the intricate vastness that is space and see all the detailed and beautiful work of the stars in the sky.
To just not worry about day to day and just find contentment in the greatness of the universe which is so much larger and so much more complicated than what we consider busy and complicated lives.
To just be without any conditions.
To just be in awe.
To just watch the stars spin around in the sky.
To see everything that I can't see because of our short sightedness.
To see in an eternal perspective.
To see the unchanging.
To see time pass by.

But not alone.

Bulk Barn Punch

TODAY!

T is for Trifle
O is for OCBC
D is for Dylan wearing a bow tie
A is for Asia
Y is for YA

So, today was pretty amazing and there is no way I can summarize into a cheesy acrostic, so I will elaborate a bit.

First was Sunday school, then church, then we played and recorded this amazing song that I will not go into detail about, but I could have played it all day I love it. lol. Then we went to McD's. I played with TONKA trucks. We went to PETAG and by peer pressure I ended up wearing a bowtie. It was a pretty sweet bowtie I'm not gonna lie.

We then went back to the church to start setting up. FYI, I am not a neatfreak, I am a freak who is neat. This is the most interesting type of person. Anyways, I swept and mopped the whole sr. parlour and then we set up tables and got the food and all that and when I got back it looked so nice. I then got to have the most fun ever serving buns to the married couples. I had to ask if the were having the fish and chips. If yes the response was 'your fries will be coming with you meal later'. If no, I was to ask if they would like a white or whole wheat bun. I played this up for a while until I got to AW and DW at that point AW was just cracking up and so I also cracked up.

Anyways, we made the salads and put the entrees on plates and made the deserts and it was a lot of fun being a waiter. I wish I was a waiter for real. It was a lot of fun.

We got pizza and leftovers for supper.

I also got a call from JC, a C4C staff in Toronto, about my project application. I don't have any medical things, so it appeared as if I had just not seen them becuase I didn't write anything, so they wanted me to verify that I had seen it by actually answering them. It was also a bit about the confidential question about purity and clarifying some stuff. The main point is I'm going to East Asia for 6 weeks on a missions trip! Yay!

Also, I recently found my testimony that I shared at a C4C weekly meeting a long time ago, in late October..? So, look forward to that.

Also, I got so many random comments about this sweater and the bowtie and my haircut today. 1 I hate the sweater. 2. It's just a bowtie. and 3. It's just a bit of hair.

Ya.

ttyl.

D.Fa

Very Cherry!

Hey, I know this post is very near to the last post, but there's somthing I havn't talked about that I did on Thursday that I can now SHOW YOU! and also, something else is IN MY HOUSE right now that I didn't notice until an hour or so ago.

So, we shall start with Thursday.

On Thursdays I normally go to YA. This Thursday I did not. Instead I went to MHS's Multicultural Show (17th Annual!)! There is one main reason why I was going: to see my brother perform. I got to see a lot of people and I got to see the show which was really good (especially VN's fan dancing). And I think that the last act was really creative and cool. It was a couple people from each of the individual acts put together to show how Canada is Multicultural and I think that was really cool. Usually the multicultural show is not very, idk... Not very Multicultural..? I don't really know how to explain it, but it doesn't matter. This year's show was pretty amazing (they even had some professional Indonesian Dancers!)! The only thing I thought, originally, was going to be bad was JF's song at the end. She wrote it herself and was going to perform it at the very end of the show... It was pretty good.

So, I am going to post a couple more videos. xP First is the Swing Dance act. The swing dancers are a really cool group of people and exist all year long, unlike most of the acts (Steel band played this year! Yay Music!!) which just work all fall to get together a dance then perform it and wait until next year. I have a bunch of friends in Swing (including my brother.) and so, here is the video :



And the second video is JF's song:



So, ya. #2! CHERRY IS BACK!!!!!!



Cherry is beyond cute.

Cute
Hairy
Energetic (and)
Really,
Really,
Yellow..? 0.o

I'm not too good at acrostic poetry... xP

Anyways, this morning I spent some time with Cherry. For a while she was barking at her reflection in the back door. LOL. Then she was in relentless pursuit of the food that has fallen between the stove and the counter. >.> And I took her for a walk earlier. For a couple minutes she was running as fast as she could while dragging me behind her. xP

I enjoy having pets.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

Step by Step

Sometimes you don't notice time
Sometimes you don't realize how little there is.

when seconds turn into minutes, and
when minutes turn into hours, and
when hours turn into days, and
when days turn into weeks, and
when it feels like weeks turn into seconds.

Sometimes you spend a few hours each day with somebody,
Sometimes you spend a whole week in the same house,
Sometimes you just have a really good conversation with someone,
but when they are no longer there you realize how you enjoyed when they were there.

You don't realize until its gone.

To Not Do

Here we are again.

We're past the fact.
And I feel this way again.

I feel like I've done something terrible, again.
I feel like I should hide from You, again.
I feel ashamed to show my face to You, again.
I feel like I've died.

Again.

Why must I always come back here.
Why must I always give in.
Why must I always turn away.
Why is it so easy to sin.

Everytime I feel like I can't face you.
I've been told you have payed for all my sins,
for the sins of the world.

But everytime,
I feel like
it's the worst thing I've ever done.
I feel like
I need to beg you for forgiveness.

Everytime
I say
it's the last time.
I say
I want to never again return here.

So why am I here again.
Why am I here again.

I feel inadaquate.
I feel weak.
I feel judged,

Why can't I feel loved.

Why do some things
I've been told
not line up with some things
I've felt.

Once again I will beg.
Once again I will turn back to You.
Once again I will renounce my actions.
Once again I will repent.
Once again I will feel the joy of living as you want me to,

but will I once again turn away..?
I don't want to.
This is what I say/pray.

To Do

I don't know why.
I can't do anything.
I'm not exactly procrastinating...

I'm sitting here.
Fighting with myself.
Fighting internaly.

There are things to do.
There are things to be done.
There's no reason for me to sit here
doing nothing.

Even the moon is moving.
My mind is spinning,
But I'm not moving.

I'm in a cycle.
Where distance travelled is great,
while displacement is zero everyday.

What am I doing.
Sitting here;
Wasting my time;
Wasting Your time.

I don't know what to do first,
but I know I'll have to do the whole list.
The whole list.

What is on that list.

Shigoto

So.

Work.

School.

Sleep.

Rent.

Video Games.

Grocery Lists.

Eighteen Years Old.

Lack of Girlfriends.

Korean Music.

Student Loans.

Church.

God.

etc.

and we are stuck in the middle of this collision of worlds trying to find a way to survive.

To those with lives that have been perfect in your eyes recently; your probably missing something.

To those who have yet to suceed in the tetris of your life's many pieces; Gambare!; good luck.



So, ya.

D.Fa

Matthew 6:24 No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money.

The Smell of Rain

So, ya... Today was another day. I have recently been going to sleep like past midnight and not waking up until like 10... xP Although I do like that I can sleep now, it seems like wasted time and going to sleep at 1 is probably not that great of an idea... Tommorow I have rehearsal at 1, so I should probably wake up a bit earlier.

So, I kinda changed the page a bit again. I kinda want the Title centered and with something under it so you can read it, but it's okay I guess.

Today's softball game was kinda wet, a bit, I guess... It kinda was raining the whole time we were playing... I don't think it had anything to do with all the anger though. We were playing against the team that has almost no losses for the whole season. Our coach really wants to win, so he gets angry at the umpire for missing little things or calling something different;y from what he saw. This has been happening for the past couple weeks with the same umpire. Today it kinda escalated. Our catcher even walked off the field because of him. In the end we lost something like 8-1. That 1 was really skecthy... xP If the other team hadn't missed a throw it would have been 8-0.

I was prepared to pitch, but wasn't needed (we only played 4 innings, starting with a female pitcher and we didn't play the bottom of the 4th because we had less points then them...)

Super Mario Galaxy 2 is pretty fun. Games where you collect things so that you can move on are kinda funny when you are a perfectionist. There are places on the map that you can't pass until you have a certain amount of stars. That amount (so that you don't need the hidden stars or even all of the obvious stars) is less then the perfectionist amount. I mean when I get there I'll have a number more then I need. It's just funny. Believe it!

So, ya. I thought that if it was raining hard enough the game would be post-poned, I would get to see Toy Story 3 with a bunch of friends, and I'd have to miss the make-up game because I'm too busy, but the game was played 'rain or shine'. Our possibly last game is Thursday. If we don't win it with enough runs we will automatically be third place, out of three teams... >.>

So. ya.....

"Hey AL, there's a window in my house that, I think, has been fully open for a few days, but I still don't have a girlfriend."

D.Fa

P.S. Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood is almost done!! The manga finished a couple weeks ago and there are only two episodes left!! This is the fifth opening entitled "Rain" by SID. I think this artist uses autotune, especially when he's doing vibrato... >.> It's still a cool song



P.P.S. I have a couple friends that post covers of Taylor Swift songs / Music Videos for random songs on youtube. I just watched their newest video. It made me smile. =D

P.P.P.S.

Ame no Woto

Drip Drip Drop.
The rain falls down
to the ground
never ceasing
never changing

Drip Drip Drop
close your eyes
listen to the sound
the relaxing
constant
Drip Drip Drop

Drip Drip Drop