Bouken Deshou Deshou? :P

I'm not gonna lie, there's a good portion of me that is scared. This is so new and so sudden and I know there's a lot of people around me who don't know how to feel.

I wasn't sad when the last guy left. I'd learned so much about me. I'd learned so much about what is important to me. I learned so much about the value of being real and honest to people around me. And I was so excited just to meet you and see if you were more mature and more thoughtful and thought more similarly about meaningful things in my life.

We met. You were so great. I was so awkward trying to start back at date one when my brain still had so many semi-developed habits from the weeks before. I didn't want to push anything. I didn't want to have to put up barriers to protect myself. I wanted to be real and honest and see where things went. I hate how many barriers and habits I've built up over the decades to help me hide and pretend to be someone else. And here you were smiling at me and sharing who you were and what you've been through and drinking bubble tea (with grass jelly. ;P). 

6 hours passed by as if it were only one or two. I don't want to overanalyze everything. But I'm thinking through what do we do? What do I say? Are you ok? Was I too pushy? Am I being open? Can I just be happy and enjoy this moment?

-you lean in and place you head on my shoulder-

The world and the worries and the logical analysis mean nothing right now. You're happy. I'm happy. Let's see where this goes. We text. I smile all day. :)

I did not expect to see you again so soon. 2 days later. Meeting basically your best friend. Dressing up for a fancy second date. Couldn't hold your hand at dinner even if I wanted to. Your genuine laugh is so attractive. Your enthusiasm and passion. You just being free in this situation to be yourself and love yourself and those around you. :)) I couldn't take my eyes off you.

So we walk.

We talk.

We hold hands.

And we just experience the peace of being there. We don't need to know everything. We don't need to have it all planned. We don't need to have all the answers yet. It's ok to not know. It's ok to just be.

And then you go and surprise me. This is our second time seeing each other. Aside from the sparse texting for a week I've only known you 2 days at this point, like 9 hours in person. Everything I've ever learned or seen or watched or been told says this is too soon. If we go too fast we could get hurt. I don't want to lie. I don't want to let you down. I don't want to hurt you. But everything I've been thinking, everything I've been logically processing, all the last decade that we've had separately living such similar lives: we don't know each other super well yet, we don't know the details, but we understand each other SO MUCH MORE than I think anyone I've ever met. We're so in sync. We're so on the same page. And again, your enthusiasm and smile and passion knocks me over, it pushes past what logic should say. I love you too. :)

We walk again. :) Swinging arms, holding hands, you're singing so happily. :) This scene unimaginable, yet so natural and true and real. You're so good at singing. You're so joyful for everything you've been through. How could I not want to spend more time with you. How could I not want to spend all my time with you? I'm never going to get over that look in your eyes, your breathing and heart racing, your smile from ear to ear: "I fucking love you man. :)"

:)

I'm scared of how fast this has gone, but at the same time don't want to pretend and wait so it looks and feels more normal. I'm here because I felt I needed to jump in and figure it out. I'm here because I wanted to meet you and wouldn't take being busy as an answer. I'm here because you're here. And I'm here because I want an adventure too. :) 

Let's go on adventure SH. :)

He's Musical. :)

Hey there. :)

It's been another crazy week learning and growing? Maybe? :P 

I'm still not mad or angry or anything about that last guy I had been seeing. I do think it was the right choice in the end, whether he was the one to say it, or me, to end it at some point. It was exciting. It was fun. It was great. He was patient. But now I keep comparing how things are going with this new guy I'm seeing. :)

Basically, the day after I stopped seeing him, I got back on the apps and started swiping again. I ended up matching with this guy. I sent him a message and he ended up replying. :) But then he stopped replying? I just wanted to meet up in person and, like, talk, get to know each other, y'know? It was a long weekend and he said he was free, but then he wasn't? I got really attached to the thought of meeting him, and the lack of replies whenever I'd message him was kinda starting to drive me insane. :P I feel like my messages were starting to come off as pushy. :( And I wanted to see him so badly, but if he wasn't replying there was nothing I could really do. :( My coworker was starting to get real pessimistic with me. :P "a lot of guys are just gonna ghost you," "just cause you're gay doesn't mean there aren't going to be jerks," etc. It was almost a week before we finally met up. Which, isn't crazy, honestly. It might just have been because my expectations set by the last guy were a little unreasonable (one week was half of our time seeing each other and we texted constantly), but like, I really didn't want to miss out on this chance.

And yo. He's so sweet. :)

And, like I said, there's a lot of comparing in my head between the first guy I ever saw, and this new guy (I'm just gonna call him S for now). I feel like that's normal? Especially with like, a sample size of 2. In a lot of ways I feel like S is so much better for me. We're actually coming from very similar backgrounds and like are thinking through similar issues? Like S is actually pretty open to religion and thinking through what it would mean to be gay and to worship God. He's been through a bunch of stuff too and is coming to accept himself aside from what the people around him want of him. He's musical. He's so sweet and caring. :) I see so much long term potential with S compared to the last guy. I think it will be a slower process, but maybe the last guy, despite stating that he didn't want to go too fast, was actually kinda pushing the envelope? :P

I saw S a couple days ago. Over the course of our 6-hour date, I ended up getting his phone number, we got bubble tea, we walked around, we sat by the river, we walked around more. :P We sat on a bench in a park. He leaned in and showed me all his photos he'd taken. We didn't hold hands, but like, we kinda almost fell asleep on that bench, my arm around him, his head on my shoulder, my head on his shoulder. :) When he leaned into that it made me so happy. :)) We set up a second date for Sunday. At the end of the night he mentioned that he had previously agreed to see someone else on Friday. :/ He is a man of his word and didn't want to back out. So I had to reluctantly be ok with that. :P I'd only just met him. Y'know? I can't tell him not to see other people.

Despite saying he's not much of a texter, S has been texting me so much. :))) He cancelled his meeting with that other guy. :)))) And he invited me to have dinner with him and a friend from out of town whose flight was delayed by a day. So I'm gonna go meet with them in a minute. :P

I'm very happy. :P 

I did get an email from a concerned Auntie from church who was just asking how I've been since they haven't seen me in months. :/ So I need to figure out how to reply to that.

But it's fine. :P 

Anyways, I've got to go see S. :)

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. He had this song stuck in his head all day on our date. haha