May I just say that patience in love is very difficult?
It has now been a year and a half since I started living downtown with a friend of mine. At the time that I moved in, honestly, I didn't really know him too well. All I knew is that he was aware of the burdens I was bearing, he acknowledged that it kinda made him uneasy, but that he was willing to live together and be there if needed. I made a conscious choice that I would love him as a brother and be there in any way he needed me to be there for him.
I learned that I am definitely not an introvert at the core, although in many other ways we were very similar. I wanted to be able to relate better and use secular things as a way of connecting. I think in general this is a good way of getting to know friends better, learning what they like and being willing to appreciate it to some extent. I also shared some of the things from my childhood, like Maple Story cards. :P But there's only so many ways to build decks when I only have like 100 cards.
Early on it became apparent that he was having difficulty in various ways in trusting God in his life. And I was really in no position to tell him what to do. I also reeeeeally hate confrontation, so I didn't want to do anything that would force him away or make him hate me. I had kinda felt like he was keeping his distance because of my struggles, which was fine. It just felt very lonely and kinda enhanced the feeling of monstrosity I often feel towards myself.
As time went on though, I was and am very glad that we have become better friends and brothers. I feel like we both kinda tend to hold a lot back until it kinda just explodes and overflows. The problem being that he generally dislikes my asking if something is wrong, and I generally lean towards thinking things are wrong when they aren't. :P
Sometimes there were difficulties and we were there for each other. Sometimes there was nothing I could do, but pray. And God would do so much more than I could ask! Why I don't ask of Him more is unfortunate.
I am frequently encouraged by how he handles the problems around him. Even when he personally doesn't want to do something, his spirit is provoked by God, he acknowledges what God is saying to him, and he wrestles with it. I am honestly jealous of how intimate the conversations with God sound.
Most recently he's been reading biographies of missionaries. (I think I got him back into reading, influenced also by his long bus rides to work, but our pastor gave him the first of these recent books). And it just makes me really happy to see him struggle with their passion and willingness to sacrifice in service to God and others. It makes me so happy to see him desire to emulate that. It makes me so so happy that we can encourage each other and hold each other accountable and push each other forward to what God is calling us to.
Over the past year there are so many things I have tried to do to help him know God better, but I feel like the most effective things have always been what God did apart from my workings. I eagerly await the day when all sin and temptation fades away from both of us and we can stand shoulder to shoulder working for God's glory here and in other nations proclaiming His goodness in our lives and His faithfulness to fulfill all He has promised in this world.
Even if I never know the impact I actually have had on him, I'm just glad to have a brother who encourages me and is ready to call out sin in my life.
May we continue to grow in Him. May His kingdom come. May we be sent out. May love abound. May our hearts glorify God first and foremost.
Amen
PS. May I just say patience in love is very rewarding. ;P
PPS. I'm so tempted to just turn our friendship into intentional discipleship, but that hasn't worked so many times. But patiently living life trying to serve God and loving him and others seems to work. This is irritating to my desire to be the one who gets results, but yes, very rewarding in the long run, and MUCH more glorifying to God. :P
5.1.18
Feeling Freedom
Yo.
It's been a while. Quite a while. :P But I'm finally free. I handed in my Masters' thesis for examination three days ago and my defense is scheduled for next week. The weeks and months of agonizing work reading journal articles and writing 300 pages and editing down to 200 pages, it's all essentially over. These last few days have been so great. Being able to think and not have this giant looming threat of failure hanging over me. The funniest thing though is how God really humbled me through this.
See, I reaaaaaally didn't want to sit down and write it. I'd do almost anything else to avoid doing it and it got to the point where I was actually running out of time. (For some reason I had been scheduling to finish ahead of the actual due date, so there was flexibility, but yaaaa.) So here I am like 3 days before it's due, knowing exactly how much I need to do and just being like "naaaaah, let's sleep in a bit more. ... 7:21. fineeeeee. I guess I have to wake up and start." And so I went to get up and get ready for the day and as I was standing in the bathroom I started feeling faint. So I sat down on the bathtub.
...
*opens eyes* "what's this white thing? where am I?" *sits up* I had fainted and was lying on the ground with my head facing the toilet. =O So, I go to lie in my bed. 7:23. This had only happened once before (exactly the same way) way back in 3rd or 4th year, so I know it's nothing serious. Lying down I realize my knee hurts. I can't extend my left leg and walking on it is painful. Sooooooo I hop over to my laptop to start working. I figure, "well, if it stops hurting we're all good. It had better not be broken. I have a defense in a couple weeks and work in a few days." A couple hours later and it still hurts. So I'm like "fine. I guess I'll go to the hospital just to be sure. Like, if I don't get this moving, my knee will like solidify over and I'll never get to use it again. Either I go now or after I hand in this thesis. And by then it could be too late." My roommate isn't here. My friend who lives the closest is out of town for another day. It's not an emergency.
So I check the bus schedule. The bus a couple blocks down actually goes right to the hospital. I just need to leave enough time to hop down the hall to the elevator, and slowly hop without slipping and dying to the bus stop, take the bus, then hop to the hospital. Got all my stuff. Let's go.
Hopping that entire hallway was exhausting. So when I get downstairs I call a cab. :P He was super nice. The doctors were super nice. Was there for like 2? 3 hours? Read a book. They said it was probably just a muscle thing and I'd be fine in a day or too, Cool. So I got a pair of crutches and walked to the bus. :P It only really hurt when it was extended or had weight on it.
Back at home time to work. :P
Oh, did I mention my glasses had fallen apart that week too? So, here I am with like a meter of clear vision and the inability to walk, essentially forced to tackle my thesis, praying that my leg heals quickly so I can work this coming week. New Years comes and I'm just at home working on my thesis all night. So I take a break before midnight. It'd been the first time in 7 years that I hadn't been at a Christian conference singing and praying in the year. I do my annual reflection and prayer and crying session, reminding myself of His faithfulness and goodness and the hope I have in Him, before getting back to work.
So, working as normal, drinking lots of water, I take leg stretching breaks every time after I go the washroom. I'm regaining some extension, but it still hurts and I can't really walk properly, So I just take a break and pray kneeling on my bed to help stretch it further. And afterward, with really no sudden thing, it feels back to normal. Praise God. :P And better than that, I think my relationship with God was much better too. It's funny, but it all worked out (aside from my parents being overly concerned about me, and me not bathing for a couple days. ;P) and I'm thankful that God does things like this in my life. I'm praying the defense goes well and that this year is all for His glory and my joy in Him.
D.Fa
It's been a while. Quite a while. :P But I'm finally free. I handed in my Masters' thesis for examination three days ago and my defense is scheduled for next week. The weeks and months of agonizing work reading journal articles and writing 300 pages and editing down to 200 pages, it's all essentially over. These last few days have been so great. Being able to think and not have this giant looming threat of failure hanging over me. The funniest thing though is how God really humbled me through this.
See, I reaaaaaally didn't want to sit down and write it. I'd do almost anything else to avoid doing it and it got to the point where I was actually running out of time. (For some reason I had been scheduling to finish ahead of the actual due date, so there was flexibility, but yaaaa.) So here I am like 3 days before it's due, knowing exactly how much I need to do and just being like "naaaaah, let's sleep in a bit more. ... 7:21. fineeeeee. I guess I have to wake up and start." And so I went to get up and get ready for the day and as I was standing in the bathroom I started feeling faint. So I sat down on the bathtub.
...
*opens eyes* "what's this white thing? where am I?" *sits up* I had fainted and was lying on the ground with my head facing the toilet. =O So, I go to lie in my bed. 7:23. This had only happened once before (exactly the same way) way back in 3rd or 4th year, so I know it's nothing serious. Lying down I realize my knee hurts. I can't extend my left leg and walking on it is painful. Sooooooo I hop over to my laptop to start working. I figure, "well, if it stops hurting we're all good. It had better not be broken. I have a defense in a couple weeks and work in a few days." A couple hours later and it still hurts. So I'm like "fine. I guess I'll go to the hospital just to be sure. Like, if I don't get this moving, my knee will like solidify over and I'll never get to use it again. Either I go now or after I hand in this thesis. And by then it could be too late." My roommate isn't here. My friend who lives the closest is out of town for another day. It's not an emergency.
So I check the bus schedule. The bus a couple blocks down actually goes right to the hospital. I just need to leave enough time to hop down the hall to the elevator, and slowly hop without slipping and dying to the bus stop, take the bus, then hop to the hospital. Got all my stuff. Let's go.
Hopping that entire hallway was exhausting. So when I get downstairs I call a cab. :P He was super nice. The doctors were super nice. Was there for like 2? 3 hours? Read a book. They said it was probably just a muscle thing and I'd be fine in a day or too, Cool. So I got a pair of crutches and walked to the bus. :P It only really hurt when it was extended or had weight on it.
Back at home time to work. :P
Oh, did I mention my glasses had fallen apart that week too? So, here I am with like a meter of clear vision and the inability to walk, essentially forced to tackle my thesis, praying that my leg heals quickly so I can work this coming week. New Years comes and I'm just at home working on my thesis all night. So I take a break before midnight. It'd been the first time in 7 years that I hadn't been at a Christian conference singing and praying in the year. I do my annual reflection and prayer and crying session, reminding myself of His faithfulness and goodness and the hope I have in Him, before getting back to work.
So, working as normal, drinking lots of water, I take leg stretching breaks every time after I go the washroom. I'm regaining some extension, but it still hurts and I can't really walk properly, So I just take a break and pray kneeling on my bed to help stretch it further. And afterward, with really no sudden thing, it feels back to normal. Praise God. :P And better than that, I think my relationship with God was much better too. It's funny, but it all worked out (aside from my parents being overly concerned about me, and me not bathing for a couple days. ;P) and I'm thankful that God does things like this in my life. I'm praying the defense goes well and that this year is all for His glory and my joy in Him.
D.Fa
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