This Boy is Electric

Heyo,

It's been quite a couple weeks. Ya, this post is in present / recent past tense. :P I didn't want to say anything until things were like a little more past tense, but things accelerated a bit and it's been a roller coaster of a fortnight. 

So, I'd been thinking about writing that last blog post. I'd been talking to a good friend about a bunch of somewhat related things. I ended up watching "Love, Simon". My headspace was filled with what ifs. It was filled with desire to do something. It was filled with confusion. One day at the gym I'm just on the elliptical. And I don't even really know why exactly, it really wasn't a fully thought out plan, but I opened a dating app I'd had on my phone for the last year. Bumble was activated for the first time. I started setting up a profile. got a bunch of fun photos from my facebook. Started filling out some more info. Importantly, I set it up to show me basically everyone. Women, Men, looking for whatever. My phone was dying, so that was it for now.

Walked home, plugged it in, kept going again. Started swiping left and right. (Awkwardly accidentally swiped the wrong way on a bunch of people. Idk which way is which. I've never swiped someone before!) Spent like a half hour swiping until I just put it down and walked away. Who knows where this will go?

A couple hours later I'd matched with three guys! O . O What am I doing? What do I want? Should I message them? What would I say?? Oh my god. What am I doing here? This is going pretty quickly......... And one of them sent me a message! O . O oh gosh. now I have to reply eh??? and so it began. :) Probably the best two weeks of my life, or at least in a long time.

He's this super cute Filipino guy. A bit younger. A bit shorter. And I really wasn't ready for this, but he thinks I'm cute? O . O He compliments me. I compliment him. He's actually working tonight, but he's messaging me back. He's off tomorrow. So am I. Should I tell him? Should I set something up? He seems so fun and so cute and he likes me? Have I like slipped into a different dimension or something? Oops. I mentioned I'm free and asked if he'd be down to get coffee. :) Oh. doesn't drink coffee. Bubble tea it is. :)) Wander around downtown and get bubble tea? Cool. :) Plans made. Within 8 hours of activating bumble I had a date for the next day. And boy. What a day.

It took like 15 minutes to actually find each other, but then it was magical. :) Wandered around through the parks, sat on benches, walked by the art museum, got bubble tea, talked about so many things. Told him about my past -- believing that homosexual activity was wrong, etc.-- he really wants to shut that down, focus on the positive stuff instead. :) A little strange, but he's still here. But yo. He's still here. It's been hours. Now we're walking around the canal in the rain, hiding under bridges and trees, surrounded by fireflies, watching lightning in the distance, sharing an umbrella. Friggin cute stuff man. :)) I asked for his number. I asked if we could hold hands. Gosh. Wait 6 hours have gone by! He's gotta go. :) Literally, magical night. We're still texting on his way home. :)))))))

Frig. How did this happen? Why am I smiling all the time? :) Is this allowed? Can I be this happy? "Higher Power" was playing at the gym the next day. This Boy is Electric. This Joy is Electric. That's how I'm feeling. :) And I can't let him just be a secret. If this is gonna happen I've gotta make room for it. I've gotta tell people. I've gotta get advice on how to be in a relationship. I start with people who are pretty far away, just to give me a low impact interaction. :) They're happy for me. And the next person too. :) I'm ecstatic. I'm over the moon. (Work that day was horrible. Literally bawled my eyes out for an hour at work. But I had him to text. :) Got through it. Got home.) Started planning our next date. :)

Went to the theater. :) He put my hand on his thigh. He held my arm. Space Jam was lame, but it was a good time with him. We walked around, got food, talked about missions trips? I ended up meeting his brother who worked in the mall. We went to a park and talked more. :) Actually so funny that he's less confident of like holding my hand in public than I am. :P He's so cute. And, he's had some bad experiences in the past, so he wants to go slow. Make sure we feel what we're feeling. :) I appreciated that so much. I'd been warned a LOT about the gay dating scene and rushing into things and how toxic it can be, but here he is. Here comes the boy. Welcome. Hello there. :) He's so kind and caring and patient and willing to wait for me to catch up. :)

I started telling coworkers one day. :) I was over the moon and they were all so happy for me. :) I could be honest at work. I'd known most of them for 2 years and they didn't know me at all. But now they're all asking about him. Asking when we're seeing each other next. Asking how we met, etc. So happy for me. :) The next day I was gonna tell a handful of Christian friends. I was a bit scared, so I told him. He was pretty upset about what I expected them to say. I was waking up fairly early to talk to one guy, and he had work until late. So we couldn't really talk it out. :( 

The next morning I was convinced I'd messed it up, but he was asleep, so I couldn't talk to him. Told my friend who works as a missionary. Super supportive. He'd seen a lot of my last few years, even if he'd been on the other side of the province. He was happy for me, but not sure how it would go. He didn't want me to experience a lot of pain over it. I'd come to a place where I was ok with the potential messiness and pain and was actually just so happy all week, so it really didn't matter to me.

My next meeting was over lunch. He was finally awake, so I called to make sure things were ok. They were. *sigh* So happy. This friend I was talking to is probably the most conservative literalist Christian I regularly interact with. Got lunch, walked for a bit, sat down and told him. "I've been seeing someone for a week. They're really great. They've been making me really happy. I've seen them a couple times so far and we text all the time." silence. "You've been using gender neutral pronouns." :) "Ya. His name is ____." :) You could tell on his face how saddened he was by the news, but his main points were that he cares for me and wanted to stay my friend.

Last for the day was my best friend. I walked and talked to him over the phone for a few hours. A couple hours in I told him why I'd wanted to talk and I told him all about this guy and basically everything. He was and is my best friend after all. :) His main point to me was "I'm so happy you're finally doing something you want." :) He'd been with me through a lot of the worst of it. I'd been super depressed and directionless for years. Didn't really want anything because either it didn't seem worth my time or I didn't believe I was worthy enough to pursue whatever it was. But here I was, again, over the moon happy. :) And my best friend was even offering like dating advice and whatever. :) It was a good day. Only group of people left to tell was my roommates.

Met up with him a couple more times. Made him lunch, walked and talked and kissed. :) Invited him over to my house to watch movies in the living room. :) Felt suuuuuper nervous. My roommates were actually around. We weren't official, so I wasn't like "Hey this is my boyfriend ____." So it was a little strange, and I ended up kinda kicking them out of the living room. oops. Still haven't had a full conversation with the one guy. He's kinda been giving me the silent treatment. :/ oh well. 

Met up with that one friend again. Was actually super useful being asked all these questions to make me think through what am I pursuing? Is that compatible with who God is? What do I believe? Why did I suddenly change stances? Why haven't I told my pastor yet? What do I plan to do? How do I intend to answer my questions? Etc. Super useful processing it all verbally and being shook by how bold I was in answering questions that I would normally censor the answers a bit and hide what I was really thinking. He is gonna start upping his game though in calling me out in what he thinks is wrong. What I had believed is wrong. Which is good. I don't want to silence one side of the conversation. As I figure this out I need to hear it all and feel it all and really come to terms / conclusions.

The other day at my small group Bible study I told them again to pray for this and they asked some questions and I also ended up talking to one guy for like an hour in his car after he drove me home. :) again, super supportive. Glad I'm on this adventure to actually figure things out. Warned me about like how messy it could be, but like the church doesn't have all the answers either. They'll figure it out as I figure it out. The church doesn't need me in ministry. It needs me to be me and to figure out what I'm willing to do to follow God.

Then just yesterday morning he wakes up and replies to my good morning text. "I couldn't sleep very well. I was thinking a lot" "I can only see you as a friend." Kinda out of nowhere. But I kinda felt relived in a way? I really liked him, but honestly, I didn't know how far we'd be able to make it. There were some indicators of incompatibility. For me it was mostly that he felt a little immature. I was willing to do everything I could to make things work, and I'd felt like there was no indicators that he felt this way. But I have to respect his decision and feelings. And maybe in a week I can message him and be friends for real.

So it was over.

But again, I wasn't sad or angry or anything. I didn't really know how to feel. So I went to work, and the girls there found out and were all super supportive. :) I also messaged my best friend and a couple other people. Took the night off. Didn't want to rush anything. Y'know. I didn't know how I felt. 

But I think I'm good.

I will never forget the last two weeks. My first time actually dating a guy. Holding hands. Kissing. All the super cheesy romantic moments. All the long text conversations about Marvel and other random junk. :) 

So, here I am today. I matched with 3 more guys on bumble and sent out messages. :) One guy replied and I'm nervously waiting for the next reply. He's super cute too. :P I turned the filter to only guys for now. I think I need to be in this space a bit longer and figure it out.

I think I'm ready for this.

I actually have like, desired to pray, and desired to sing worship songs more this last week than in like the last year. Don't know what that means. But I think I'm way happier being in this space honestly than being in the spaces I've been lying to myself and to everyone. 

So, let's see where this goes. I want to see if it's compatible in any way with joy in God and joy in my day to day life. I've got so many people around me I can talk to now as I figure it out. I've got a couple more friends lined up to tell about the past couple weeks. I was gonna tell them before posting something like this, but he's gone now, and I wanted to make sure I wrote down some things before I forget. :P

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. I'm so cheesy when it comes to romantic things. haha. I even started like thinking about getting a piercing or tattoo or something. I was prepared to go pretty far for him. :P Oh well.

I'm sorry. I like you.

Ok.

I've been thinking about this one quite a bit. Brought back a bunch of memories I had kinda forgotten. ;P

So, here's the thing. I've spent so much of my life knowing that I'm attracted to guys, but feeling like I need to absolutely shut it down. And like, the closer I get to someone emotionally, the more I like them. So I've had a few crushes over the years on close friends or coworkers.

So many days working side by side thinking other things. And playing mental obstacle courses to keep myself from feeling the things I was feeling. :/ Knowing there was no way anything could happen. If anyone found out it would all be over. How could I make sure no one got hurt? How could I try something and then walk away still friends and having no one ever find out anything had happened? What if they don't feel the same and I just embarrass myself? What if I like it? How do I go back? How do I undo? What if I regret it after? What if I regret not every doing anything?

And so the internal war raged again and again. Back and forth. On and on. Making no progress either way. 

To choose to act would be to risk everything I'd hidden and the future I'd protected.
To choose to remain silent would risk never learning the things my heart had longed for, good or bad.

So, one summer, in a remote city, far removed from family and friends, with a coworker who was basically exactly my type at the time, who was pretty clearly gay, my head was extremely conflicted. Everything was exactly as it needed to be for me to just tell him how I felt and see if anything went anywhere.

So I spent the entire summer thinking about it and playing out scenarios and contemplating and going to church and pretending everything was fine. Acting normal while tearing myself apart internally.

And then here I was one night at like 9 pm, completely convicted that I needed to publicize my story. Tell the world I was gay, but choosing Jesus. I needed to type it out and make it real. The power went out. The buses weren't running. I walked like 30 minutes to a place that had electricity and typed it out. It was a wild night.

So, I told my one coworker who I'd been going to the gym with almost everyday: hey. what would you think if I said I was gay? That sentence. Frig. It caused me so much anxiety. Not just that one time, but every time I said it over the coming few months. The time I was scared to say it and the times I felt arrogant about it. Proud that I was using it for God, or like, arrogant cause I thought I knew how people would react and was gonna break their expectations. idk. It was a crazy time. I don't know how I feel about it right now. Anyways, I don't think he really cared. lol.

So, it was like the end of the summer, I've got this big plan to like use this story to share the gospel. I like, bring the guy I like to lunch with the friend I've been bringing to church and like, tell him about my story, I think? Later that day, or maybe the next day, I asked the guy I liked to talk over lunch. It wasn't the words "I'm sorry. I like you." but that was how it felt was "sorry I've been keeping it a secret. I don't hate you. god doesn't hate you. or whatever. Sorry, I've had a crush on you the whole summer" and whatever else cheesy thing I said. He was always pretty shy, so like, I don't think he really said anything meaningful. We really weren't good friends. :P He was always out doing other things in the evenings. I thought he might have a boyfriend somewhere. Idk. It was a strange day for sure. I messaged him like once or twice afterwards. But really, we were barely friends.

How different would my summer have been if I'd talked to him early on? Probably not that different. He wasn't interested in me.

I don't want to say I'm sorry anymore for what I feel. Idk what I want to do about it. But I want to be real and honest. I don't want to go to my bed and pretend thoughts don't exist. Obviously, not all thoughts should be acted upon. And I guess that's where the battle lies. In acknowledging reality and being okay with its existence, but being strong enough to choose what to do and when to tell others or ask for help? 

We'll see how this goes. I'm not sure if I'm in over my head right now, and I'm not sure where it's going, but I'm currently very interested in figuring out what's happening, and what could be.

Am I happy right now? I'll tell you later I guess?

D.Fa

PS. Heard this song at the gym the other day. I think it was actually some sort of remix of this song, but no one was around and I started singing it and was like "yo. Is this Coldplay?" and it was. :P