Supply and Demand

Yo,

today was crazy. I've been sleeping in a bit, knitting a lot, and resting a bit because I don't know when or how, but it seems I bruised by left heel bone or something like that. But it's getting pretty close to Christmas know and so I had to go out and buy a bunch of stuff for my mom as gifts for my dad. I thought this might take an hour or so, but the buses didn't come at the beginning so I had to walk like 20 minutes to get to Walmart, then I did catch the bus, but then discovered I needed to go downtown to get something. Overall I was out for maybe 4 and a half hours or so? And it was raining. Which is still strange.

This whole season is a bit strange to me. One of the youtubers that I subscribe to was speaking in his latest video about a thought he is pondering lately. Having been diagnosed with cancer and going through surgery he's been thinking a lot and this time he spoke about what defines you. For him a lot of it comes down to what you produce, what you make, and how you interact with others. This whole season on the other hand seems to be defining yourself based on what you desire or what you can buy for others; a cycle of supply and demand.

For me this gets confusing because I don't ever really know what I want.

Every year my dad asks for a Christmas list and I've been getting worse and worse at letting him know anything that I actually want. I usually end up giving everything away to others who'd need it more. Or I end up doing nothing with it. I am not good at receiving gifts. But even outside of what I would physically want, I don't even really know what I want in life y'know? Like dream job or aspirations or where I'd be in 10 years. I'm not very good with those questions either.

And then even when I think I want something, why do I want it? Is it me that really wants it? Do I want it because of an exterior pressure? Do I want it because it would make others happy? Do I want it just because I've been told I want it? Do I want it because I've fooled myself into thinking I want it? What do I want?

I'm unsure.

When it comes to more deep questions, I still don't really know and in this season of my life especially I seem to be really torn and conflicted between the spirit and the flesh, and I won't go into details, but it's extremely annoying. The two are not compatible and I must choose one or the other to really experience either. But to choose one is to leave the other. I know what I should choose. But I don't believe it fully.

May God truly show me how much more meaningful and complete a life it is to follow His Spirit in everything, how His steadfast love is better than anything life could offer; may He give me true desire and ambition for my joy and His glory; may His Spirit guide and empower me.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

PS. But yesterday I got to talk with Andrew Huang during the brief period that MishMashFM was a thing. He should come to Ottawa. haha