Hey.
I have had a really intense day. I have been at war with God all day because of a third option that has come into view. East Asia, co-op or ... North Africa. Honestly, I have been feeling a calling to go on 'Desert Rain' Project since I started applying for East Asia last year. However, I really was uncomfortable with that. Actually I am still very uncomfortable with that idea. I want to go to Asia. I want to make friends with Asians and see them come to understand the gospel of their salvation and come into a personal relationship with Jesus. It's on my heart to do that. I want to go back so badly. Yet, I've been feeling that it's the easy way out. Like, support raising, God has come through. Going to Asia for six weeks, no problem. Being on a small team (family) for six weeks, no problem. Sharing the gospel to my new friends in Asia, not a problem when I'm living the Spirit filled life.
Now, doing those things, but here, with scientists. Scary. Very scary. I'm not very good with apologetics. I don't seek out relationships with non-asian people very much. (I know I am a bit racist. It's a problem.) It seems so much harder to me.
Then, yesterday in weekly meeting, we watched the video for the Desert Rain Project. I've seen this, like, 5 times..? Every time I get this feeling. Like, I was nearly in tears this time. There are so many people who don't know Jesus and are trying to live good enough lives to get to paradise, but they can never know. There is no hope, only obedience or punishment. Jesus came to set us free. To give us what we don't deserve, unconditional and unending love of the one who created us and a way for us to come to know Him and begin the everlasting life.
I felt it was impossible for me, but I gave God the option of making me go there instead of Asia by putting it as my second choice. I ended up in Asia (and it was great seeing lives transformed and faces overwhelmed with hope and joy).
I also read a book about Muslim Background believers in a muslim country and it was really powerful. They suffer so much persecution for the faith, yet we as westerners often stereotype muslim people and end up not loving them the way God does. We experience nearly no persecution, although passive aggresively a culture that is hostile to Christianity.
I really don't want to go. I whined this to God all day. Even making tantrum motions a number of times (arms and legs flailing as a groan in agony). I don't want to go. It is out of my comfort zone.
Duh it is. Asia was out of my comfort zone (a little bit).
Psalm 13 "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and everyday have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me."
I read that today.
I have been trying to figure this out and I have been asking God to show me His will. I want to go where He wants me to be, whether or not that is where I want to be. Then He showed me that I should go to North Africa. ... No thanks. And then I could not have peace. I entered a wrestling match with God. The exact same feeling as back when I refused to think of giving up Pokemon for lent. Not an option in my mind.
I actually wrote it on my faith barrier back at summit too, "Be faithful wherever you go, EA, DR, work, school, everywhere." And I was thinking earlier that it's almost not even a step of faith going to Asia (in my mind anyways) and "everything that does not come from faith is sin." (Rom 14:23b)
I want to do God's will. I want to follow the path laid out for me. But, I do not want to go to Africa, I want to go to Asia... And so the wrestling match went on and on...
Actually, this morning I had a conversation with KS and we talked about Short Film Project a bit. It is a national project, so I would be getting some training on how to share the gospel with people in a Canadian context as well as all the training on video making and planning and stuff, which is sweet. I kinda really wanted to go on a national project and didn't realize SFP was one. lol. I'm pretty much set on going to Guelph for the SFP. Time to write a support letter and contact my church. lol. >.<
Ya, so. lol. I had worship practice, another couple practices then work. I had two songs stuck in my head. "Jesus, all for Jesus. All I am and have and ever hope to be" and that kept repeating as well as "Jesus, Lamb of God, worthy is Your name."
After much sorrow and agony I came to a loop hole. lol. I could apply to DR with EA as my second choice and pray so hard that I end up in Asia. lol... I actually felt peace over this. It would be role reversal from last year, where this open door, closed door policy is that if God wants me in EA he will open the door.
The thing is that I couldn't get myself to just go on DR. I didn't think I would be able. Fact: I am not able to go to Northern Africa and do God's work on my own. Only by His strength, power and Holy Spirit will I be able to do it anywhere. So, ya. He is in control and can use me wherever I go, but I want to go where he wants me.
Actually, if I end up going to Africa I think I will need some more injections and vaccinations. I cancelled my student health plan. It will cost me more. >.> God will come through.
Short story: I was going to be late for work, then CW drives up (honking at me) and gives me a drive to work. On the way he was telling me about how hard it was to start. It kept whining "Br r r ... Br r r ... I don't want to go" but then it finally went "BRRRRrrrr fine I'll go." reluctantly.
I am that frozen car. God wants me to go. I feel this calling. I want to do what God wants me to do.
So, it's up to God. Hehe. Well, actually the next part ruins it. My parents are much more scared of me going to Northern Africa than they are of East Asia. lol. So even though now I am all on board for going to North Africa and growing sooo much because I will be so far out of my comfort zone, I don't wanna go against my parent's best intentions... lol. I'm giving them a week to think about it. We will talk again. (Pray for them. lol. Also pray for my mom's vision. It's getting worse again...)
So. I have until the 30th to apply for summer projects.
I feel like I will only apply if I am applying for DR first, but I'm not sure. I don't want to apply for both co-op and Project then get a job offer and have to cancel project (because I can only reject one job offer)
Anyways AL spoiled the surprise earlier. I got a letter from myself from when I was in the capital of East Asia and I am looking forward to reading it. Maybe it will help me decide. Maybe it will say "Go on DRP". Doubtful. I wanted to go to Asia again. lol. But ya.
Ttyl.
D.Fa
PS. I have peace right now. It's kinda weird. lol.
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