I'm weak.

Yo, it's something that has really been on my mind for a while now. I am fed up with my pride and how I portray myself to others.

I put on this image of strength and confidence sometimes. I don't ask for help from others, I will struggle through it to the end, except sometimes I do ask for help from others, except it will often only be people that I think should know less than me, someone to just jump off of with my own thinking.

I don't like to admit it when I don't know something.

I don't like to be the one in the position of weakness.

I don't like to accept food when it is offered to me.

I don't like asking for things from others when I think that I can get it myself.

I wish that I were stronger, that everything that I do would be enough, that I was perfect, that I was great.

But the truth is I am weak. I am very weak.

Yesterday I was so tired that I fell asleep accidentally. I didn't time manage properly and didn't study enough on the weekend for my midterm yesterday morning, so instead of breakfast I crammed and biked to school. Instead of lunch, I crammed for my other midterm. I tried working hard on my biochem lab, but really I didn't want to and didn't end up doing much both because I was tired and hungry. I reluctantly accepted the meal that JXW's mother had made that she didn't want. Mmmmm goat/lamb. I didn't even thank her... I was thinking about how I could for so long that I guess I thought I did... Then I was at school just dead tired until like 8pm. I went home by bus since it was raining. Then I cooked dinner.

Before starting to work on my biochem lab I went downstairs to close my eyes for a minute. I woke up at 1:30... I went to the bathroom and I'm not entirely sure what happened, but the next minute I opened my eyes and I was in the bathtub... Assumably I fell over. I just don't remember anything between standing and the bathtub. My head didn't hit anything and my back doesn't really hurt and nothing moved that was in the bathtub or on the sides, so I don't know what happened... >.<

I went back to sleep and slept in...

So, today I ate breakfast and packed the leftovers from last night. I walked to school because I was late for something, but the other guy forgot too, so no problem...

I felt really bad about how I've been mistreating my body. Not eating, not sleeping, not even doing work efficiently... I can't keep this pace up on my own. Only three weeks left. I need to do my best and at the same time find a balance in life. Not just doing school work. Not just doing C4C things. Not just wasting time. I need to rely and trust in His plans and live up to them.

Gah. His love for us is so amazing and his strength is so great. I don't want to pretend to be someone else, but live in the reality of the matter. In my weakness God's greatness is made complete. He is the one who gives us strength and power to do more than we can imagine or comprehend. Living in this present-tense perspective is also not a good idea. He gives us the eternal life and ability to know him.

I want to be strong, but I don't want to pretend any longer that I'm not weak.

Ya.

Ttyl.

D.Fa