To Preach to Yourself

When I lead worship, I choose songs that preach to me.

Have I been choosing songs of legalism? Preaching our need to recommit to God? Rather than that of grace fully undeserved and magnificently amazing?

Lord, I need the gospel. I need forgiveness for thinking I could ever do anything to earn salvation. I need forgiveness if my words or actions have conveyed a similar message to anyone. I need your Spirit to speak to my heart a true repentance, a knowledge of your grace, and a humbleness to know it is more than I could comprehend.

D.Fa

Thoughts

This semester our DG has been memorizing 1Cor13. Near the end 'now we see in a mirror dimly, then face to face. For now we know in part, but then I shall know fully even as I am fully known.'

These words are very profound. There's no way we can know God fully now, but He knows us fully now. Fully and intimately, He knows us and still would choose to show His love for us through the cross, once and for all paying the price that animals never could.

Even though I am going through some stuff now, God is still loving; patiently and kindly, not insisting but bearing all things. Love never ends. This present suffering is not worth comparing to the future glory.

Also, those who have been adopted are sealed with the Holy Spirit, as a guarentee of things to come. If I have experienced His work in me (which I definitely have) then I know He loves me.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

Twitch

So, I don't know how nerdy you are. If you are even a tad nerdy, like in a video game kinda way, and have some idea of what is happening on the internets or a little bit into pokémon, you probably know that there's this thing called 'twitch' and thousands of people around the world are playing the same game of pokémon!

They successfully beat pokémon red version together and are now trying pokémon crystal. I played for a little bit yesterday, but I was a little annoyed. I was asking 'how do we ever get things done??' and if I didn't explain this it'd be confusing. So, there is one game and /everyone/ i controlling it. There are two modes 'anarchy' and 'democracy'. In 'anarchy' literally every input is completed, leading to . . . anarchy. lol. This is mostly because there are people trying to be counter-productive. In democracy mode every 15-45 seconds the game will take a poll for what the next move(s) should be. However, if it is a tie the poll starts over. So, there can often be many ties and nothing happening, especially since it is hard with the lag to input the same multi-move command. So either way, if there are a number of people controlling it, with varying opinions, the results are less than optimal.

I was thinking about this briefly:

Life is like "TwitchPlaysPokemon".

I mean that in that, there is a reason, a purpose, or at the very least goals for your life. However, it gets difficult to accomplish these things when there are so many people trying to have input into what you do. In addition to what you think you should do are friends and family. With just them you may be better off. However, there are also the trolls and those who want to hurt you, make you fail, disorient you.

This becomes even more severe when you realize the multitude of people and the messages in the world that are trying to persuade you this way or that. How could you ever follow a single path when what is cool is constantly changing, when the culture tells you to pursue one thing when your family, friends, and God tell you otherwise?

I have also thought extensively about what 'Frozen' is really saying, but that is for later.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

Serious Thoughts

Yo.

(pause and think about what happened yesterday that I wanted to blog about)

!!!

YO!

So yesterday was DG day and everything, which was good. We've been memorizing 1Cor13, and it's been really good, like so good I'm like 7 verses ahead just because. lol. (much better than a verse behind like last semester. . . lol.) And after was time with MT which is always good. haha

After I ended up in the Architecture studio as normal, but then I got a text from MM asking what I was doing. Apparently AG's landlady was meeting up with them and JF, so I should go too. lol So I went. haha. Really excited about the possibility of living there next year. Really chill landlady, super cool bros, awesome house. But I don't know if I should be there with them, which I reeeeeally want, or back with my parents, which could be good, but may also be difficult in many ways... Hmmmm... But it sounds like it'd be so awesome. Gotta pray more about it.

------

One thought I got this week is about responsibility and how seriously I take it. I typically say yes to everything and then don't really take anything seriously until the day before. Everything is stretched and beyond it's limits. But when I think about how great things could be, and then someone challenges me to do it, I'm so pumped and behind it to the point that everything else dies down. But what am I now? Do I have any serious responsibilities already? How about being an ambassador? What about ambassador for the King?? Ambassador for God..?

Why don't I take that more seriously?

Hmmmm.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

Karaoke

Yo guys.

Is it odd that I feel out of place in a Korean Karaoke bar because we are singing English songs? Lol

Like if we were singing in Mandarin I'd feel /more/ at home? Lol.

I haven't been for karaoke since this summer out in Saskatoom at the RockSugar or whatever it was called. Lol.

So right now we're at Karaoke; me, one white girl, two Filipino people, five HongKong people, and a Korean guy. But most people are, from their own admission, quite white washed. Lol. We went for Pho earlier and one guy was saying how in Shanghai he was like lost in the airport trying to find an exit using all the Cantonese he could muster. "you just need to write it. like 出口在哪儿。" And then everyone was like 'Whoa!' And then one girl is all like 'that last character isn't right' and then another person assured her. lol.

So yeah. loll. This is the kinda thing that happens when my work goes out for fun. haha.

Probably can only stay another half hour or 45 minutes. Legitimately need to work on tomorrow's presentation. lol

Ttyl.

D.Fa

This is Amazing Grace

Yo.

I could complain about this week. I will stop. I could sulk and whine about this week. I will stop. I could let this week get to me. I will stop. There is much about this last week that I could be resentful about. I will stop.

It may have taken me all week to get to this point, but honestly, God's grace is unfathomable.

We just had our first weekly Bible study, and it was just me and RZ. Which on the outside could look pretty depressing, ya. It could seem really disappointing. I wanted many people to come and for us to have great discussions and everyone be encouraged, etc. And even if buses made him late this time, I'm so glad and joyful to see what God is doing. To spend more time one on one and address any questions he had, to get to hear what he really thinks about the church and everything, to hear what he thinks about where he is on his journey to knowing God; so good.

At the end of the study I asked if he had any questions and (it wasn't a question) but he said something about how important the church is that for beginners (like people who don't know Jesus yet) to have people to invite them in and teach them about God, and then when they do know God they will want to know more about God. So I asked about where he is and he said he thinks that he is very close to becoming a Christian; that he really believes in God, but he wants to know more. =D So I suggested he read a bit of John each day and whenever he has a question, we could go over it on Sunday night ir he could text me. xP

It is a complete blessing to be a part of seeing others come to know Jesus; to walk alongside them and help them discover the amazingness of the good news in their lives. I don't deserve to be a part of that.

I'm just seeing more of how amazing the gospel is in my life.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

Keener Arch. Student

Yo Carleton 3rd year Architecture students, guess what?

I still come to studio even while it's Reading Week, Family Day, and all of you are in China / Boston.

So, I'm here. lol. For me it's a normal day of work. Federal Government doesn't get the day off / you don't get reading week when you are on co-op. And now I'm here and I did a little bit of work on my group project due next week. haha.

I thought I might be hanging out with a friend tonight. Kinda glad I didn't. It would have been too much. I need to get work done this week.

Yesterday was cool. I guess it was a bit short notice, and it /was/ optional, so the 'BaD guys' Bible study' was just R and JZ. haha. JZ was SO funny to watch play MarioKart for the first time. She didn't sit down for a good 5 minutes, and then, she would never throw items. RZ got it pretty quickly and actually won the grand prix on his first time playing (I was busy cooking. lol) It was good though. We got to talk a bit about the study the guys will be doing about the church as a family of families. I also sent AS a text to let her know she should do stuff with JZ and others at the same time. I felt bad leaving her alone at home while her husband studied with us. > . <

Anyways, I'm gonna go home and eat. Sushi tomorrow. (y)

Ttyl.

D.Fa

If I Deliver Up My Body to Be Burned

I honestly really miss blogging. #truestory

The problem though is how busy I am all the time. In the midst of it all though, some cool stuff has been happening.

I've been meeting up with GC each Friday at lunch and it's been great. xP. We have been meeting up in his building and going to the caf. Last week was interesting. First I found out I needed to be signed in because it was a Finance Canada building and I'm with Health Canada. Secondly, there were no.microwaves, so I had to purchase food. Thirdly, no debit; cash only, and I had none. So the next lady in line payed for me. =D But ya. it's been good. We're gonna go through the same material tbat the "BaD guys" are going to do this semester (which is starting next week).

It's been fun at work too having really settled into work and everything. Going to do karaoke in a couple weeks. xP

The other day God rebuked me through anime. lol... It was a long day. Like 7-9 and when I got home I had dinner and watched anime. The main character in this anime has been overworking himself and at the end of the episode he loses consciousness (cliffhanger ending). But it really reinforced how much I know I need to rest and just spend time with God. So ya, God speaks through anime.

Anyways, ttyl.

D.Fa

Give Grace to those Who Hear (Eph4:29)

Hey guys. It's been a while.

Co-op has been amazing. School has been good. I'm taking a Chinese class now. Life is extremely busy. On the outside it could seem like everything is great, but really I need more time with God and to rest in Him.

I like to be in control and not take risks when I don't have to. I'm a coward.

And the weight of those words multiply so much when tomorrow I am giving a quick talk at Carleton P2C about what P2C+ conference was for me. I told MT about it last week when he asked and told him about the main speakers. About AP's message of the coming wrath and urgency to share the good news with those who don't know or haven't come to trust in Jesus for salvation. The urgency and reality that there is real wrath coming for all who have sinned and haven't accepted forgiveness in Christ. And about KM's message about being the answer to prayer. Which when I really reflected on it brought me back to Luke 11:23. Either we are the answer to prayer or we are not, either we are bringing people closer to Jesus or we're pushing them away.

And today is my normal day to meet up with MT and we talked for a bit then went sharing using the Perspective cards. We ended up talking to a guy, his girlfriend and another friend of theirs who identify as being muslim. They answered the questions and shared what they believe, and asked us some questions about the trinity and everything. The guy grew up going to church but thought it weird that they were supposed to be worshiping God, but instead only Jesus' name is praised.

At that time him and MT were talking and I don't remember where that conversation went. Maybe it was the custodian that asked us to move so he could clean and close the caf? But I ended up not sharing what the thought that had come to me, which seemed that it would be a good answer to his confusion.

The reason Jesus' name is so praised in the church is because of both who Jesus is and what He did. To realize that no one would be able to have that relationship with God without what Jesus did to pay for our sins, and to realize that it was God Himself who came down to our mess to pay for it. Without Jesus, no one would be able to experience God's goodness and to delight in Him, to prostrate oneself and live for God, potentially. But you would not see people living with God. Without the cross people are still sinful and God is still holy, separate from sin. By the cross and Jesus' death and resurrection we can be forgiven, made new in Him, and imputed with His righteousness so that we can come before God humbly, but now adopted as His beloved children.

But I didn't say that.

Where was my urgency? What was holding me back? Why couldn't I take a step of faith? He asked the question.

*sigh*

It's great to say I'll do it next time, but really if it is me doing it again by my strength. nope.

I've got to listen when God tells me things like that. I never regret saying something. Only what is not said do I ever regret.

May His Spirit give me boldness and may He draw me closer in relationship with Him.

Co-op Transparency

Friday was really awesome. God answers prayer in so many ways. xP

So, like, that's kinda the summary. haha. I feel like this is how I will often be blogging these days. A summary sentence and an explanation. First, Friday was a little annoying because I didn't have any dress shirts left to wear because I only had two with me at my parents' house, so on Thursday I went to my house and grabbed one, but it's like my most wrinkly. . . Only to see that Fridays are apparently less formal. The first time my supervisor hasn't worn a dress shirt. > . >

But the day was so much better. haha. I finally got to like work on a larger assignment by myself and ask AB and the others in my unit questions whenever I wasn't quite sure what the SOP wanted me to do. And so I finished it. =D And then when I was just going to make some photo copies to put in the file, I got to have an awesome conversation with one of the guys I've been able to play cards with! xP

He apparently just graduated from Carleton in biochemistry like 4 years ago, so we got to talk all about our classes and profs and co-op experiences and everything. So a pretty awesome 'coincidence' that we have been through all the same stuff. Also, he emailed me and the other co-op student that we should go for coffee or something when we finally get our ID passes, which is awesome too. xP

So keep praying for chances to share with my co-workers who Jesus is and live honestly before them hiding nothing.

D.Fa

Fluke

Do you ever get it when God like 100% rebukes you through a Bible verse?

So today I was at the P2C prayer meeting, and we were reading Psalm 127:1, but ZL read verses 1 and 2. So, if verse 1 wasn't clear enough that we can't do it on our own ("Unless the Lord builds the house, the builders labor in vain. Unless the Lord watches over the city, the guards stand watch in vain.") well verse 2 is "In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat—for he grants sleep to those he loves."

If you want something awesome to happen in a ministry you are in, the very first thing I do is start making personal sacrifices like missing meals and waking up earlier and staying up later. But just doing that won't change anything, it's still in vain! If God isn't at work, nothing will happen. Abide in me and you will bear fruit!

Work was a lot of fun. Apparently me winning yesterday was a fluke. haha

Ttyl.

D.Fa

Hopeful for this Co-op Term

I think this co-op position will be a really good one.

Although I still don't really have access to my computer (which makes it 3/3 co-op terms) I am getting to start doing things, and it's all really interesting material. The SOPs may be the most bland in the world of writing, but when I finally get to do what it is trying to tell me how to it's really cool. Also, I have been introduced to like 60 people in the last couple days. No way I can remember them all so quickly, but it means I can openly talk to 60 people and discuss things with my group and the whole floor.

Additionally, I won the card game at lunch today. lol. From 6th of 6 yesterday to 1st of 5th in a game called "Wizard" kinda like Euchre apparently. AA game of choosing how many tricks you will win and then do it with increasing card counts in your hand for each round. Now, how can I share the gospel through this?

Class tonight was also good. Got to talk to a few 'old friends'. lol. I keep finding out my friends aren't all graduating this year. =P Hooray!

Ttyl.

D.Fa

The Weather Outside's Always Frightful, This Time of Year

Yo!

I was about to quit and go to sleep when I ran across this: http://youtu.be/0EQdXyKiFY4
SO FUNNY
And it's actually what I had thought to blog about the other day. lol

Really though, Ottawa has always been cold, Canada has always had tough winters. So, why now of all times is weather the only thing people are talking about? Now, I don't mean to say that the ice storm wasn't bad. It was. But just because our winter is cold, doesn't mean you need to start comparing it to cold places like the South Pole or Mars. It's cold now, it'll warm up soon. Deal with it.

I may also be a little annoyed because co-op students basically aren't allowed to miss work, ever, but that's a different story. haha

Ttyl.

D.Fa

New Year Makes Me Sore

The problem is that all my best ideas happen in the middle of the day and then by the time I get to my laptop I'm exhausted and have watched too many episodes of anime.

There are various excuses for whatever you have intended to do.

You could explain all the excuses, but then you'd never get to the issue.

It's been a while again. haha. Surprisingly, it wasn't about sin this time. =D But I've been busy. haha

I was at my parents' house. I was playing Shadow of the Colossus. I went to Richmond Hill for P2C+ conference (so good). Today was my first day of work. Surprisingly, I'm still at my parents' house. lol.

Part of why I am still here is that I'd like to test out what it'd be like to live here next year. At first it was a bit tough, but I think it should be possible.

Also, a friend of mine has a New Year's resolution to do like push-ups and sit-ups and planking and wall sits. I am so sore now. lol.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

Les Écrans

I feel like my whole life is interfaced between me and a screen.

The other day we were watching television in the living room. I went downstairs and played video games, all the while texting / facebook messaging on my smart phone. Later I was back upstairs and looking up the recipe for sugar cookies on my phone while making them. I took out my laptop to work on my resume and email some professors. At the store I call my mother to ask about a gift for my dad. Minutes later we are driving somewhere and I use my phone to find out where the store is. I have a dentist appointment; when I return the living room is dark except for the television screen and my dad searching his iphone over the rims of his glasses.

Screens everywhere, and for everything.

Screens connecting me to people al over, and yet disconnecting me from right now and the people who are right beside me.

The odd thing about this connectivity, this virtual connectivity, is that I know many people and have only ever interacted with them through text, or through facebook; 'virtual' friends. Friends that are 'in real life', but not in the 'real life' that I can reach out and touch. The problem being that I can only deal with so many people at once, and typically, only effectively with the people I interact with and see everyday.

So it's paradoxical the way screens offer connectivity and yet divide.

Some of my thoughts.

D.Fa

Hating Sin

Hey,

So over the last while I've been able to speak to a guy and recently we had some really in depth conversations and got to know each other better.

Somehow the topic of video games led to him sharing like his biggest secret with me, and revealing like the thing he struggles with the most that he has carried for the last ten years, since before he was a Christian. Before he told me he made me promise we'd still be friends.

Ultimately, it is a variety of masochism. He desires to be hurt and crushed.

My reaction (to the specifics) was not that he was weird or to start avoiding him. My reaction was first to get a better understanding, but as he continued explaining my reaction was just like heartbreaking. To hear him say he'd love to die by being crushed by an elephant? To hear him desire for others to hurt him? I almost cried.

I hate hearing about the depth of sin my brothers are in; the twisted and corrupted desires which lead them to seek satisfaction in actions that ultimately mutilate the body rather than glorify God. Made in His image and as the temple of the Holy Spirit, how can we degrade ourselves like this?

Interestingly, there is also quite a bit of overlap in our largest areas of temptation, so it's been cool to be fully open with each other. But the cooler thing is that it is really opening my eyes to how disgusting sin is.

Rom1:18-32 really just shows how far we have fallen, exchanging God for images made by man; exchanging natural relationships to the degrading of our bodies; inventing new ways to sin.

But He has made us new in Christ. He has removed our sin as far as East is from West. He has purified us and we now have Jesus' imputed righteousness. May His Spirit truly work in us and danctify us.

May I remember how terrible sin is and that it does produce death, despite the temporary pleasures it may provide.

Not a Bed

Hey,

so I guess I should catch you up a bit. On Wednesday I woke up at 7:20, later than I had hoped, and then packed, took a shower, cleaned the mess in the house that was mine, all that in an hour and then I bussed to work with my suitcase. Got some funny looks.

Later I went to my parents' house. That's how I moved. haha.

But I was only there for an hour before I went bowling with a friend and a bunch of her friends. lol

Anyways, I'm at my parents' house now. When I got back after bowling my parents were asleep. So I just crashed in my old room with a foam pad as a mattress, a towel and my coat as a blanket. The next day I had inflated the air mattress and rearranged the stuff being stored in my room; I didn't have a blanket, I used the foam, but I couldn't sleep well. So I made sure I got like 3 blankets for last night and now I'm all good.

My puppy, Max, is a monster though. He just turned 1 year old today and he's still really bite-y and his teeth are quite sharp. He loves my socks and just put a hole in my hat while I wasn't looking.

My brother can't stay here long since he has to take care of his dog Duke. So only during the day or potentially overnight he thinks would be okay, which is kinda sad. He should be here for the holidays. > . >

Today I 'braved the storm' and went to church. It really wasn't as bad here as my dad was making it sound. Sunday school was interesting. The grade 5/6 class joined us and EC led us in a Bible trivia game about Genesis, which they had been studying. The grade 7/8s didn't do too well. lol

The service was about living in the Spirit and the main thing I got is what it actually means to have your mind set on the flesh; not just on sin, but on pursuits solely within the realm of flesh.

After service we went for Pho and I picked up the Shadow of the Colossus game. 2 Colossi down, 14 to go.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

Two-Pronged

Mission of the day: get the missing half of my PS2 AC adapter power cord. Check! Had to go to 4 stores.

Double check to make sure everything is good: PS2, complete with memory card, controller, and cords is functional!

Now I just need the game. Was goign to go pick i up at 4, but a few blocks away from my house I got the text that the kijiji guy wasn't going to be home at that time anymore, so I got off the bus and text convo'd him for like 15-20 minutes? He's actually never played Shadow of the Colossus! His friend gave him a PS2 and a pile of games and he didn't really care, so he put the ad up on kijiji like 2 months ago. He's more into PC gaming now. He said he'd text me when he got home, or we'd do the exchange tomorrow. So just a litttttle more waiting.

Before that though I had worship practice. Always good. And afterwards I also did some Christmas shopping. Way too expensive.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

No More Patience. None.

So, I am no longer employed. Fun times.

The last couple weeks have been good though. One intense week of cramming for an exam and then cramming a co-op report in a couple days followed by a Secret Barnabas Christmas party gift exchange that I was nearly dying to complete. And now this week with nothing exactly due, so I've been really productive, oddly.

Unfortunately I am now craving video games. Specifically 'Shadow of the Colossus' for PS2. I've been listening to the soundtrack all week and reminiscing about how frightening it was. You are this guy with a sword, a bow/arrows, and a horse. That doesn't change in the slightest. And you are supposed to go defeat these 16 monstrous enemies to like bring this girl back to life. But these monsters.These Colossi... They are SO BIG! and you are so small. and..... Those EYES! So terrifying and you have no power and need to think through how to beat them, not just charge in and get trampled. I've also been reading about how much of a masterpiece it is, so I cannot wait another second to play it.

Today when I got home it began, my hunt and quest for the game in our old playroom, which has become somewhat a storage room.

In this quest my brother reminded me of how we used to be EB Game traders, i.e. we often traded our old games for new ones. o.O . . . we. traded. in. Shadow of the Colossus?????? Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

TT.TT

And now I am meeting up with a guy from kijiji to buy it tomorrow afternoon. lol. Pretty desperate. lol.

All week I was listening to it, but as much as I wanted to look at the monsters and everything I was like "no. that'll spoil it for when you get to play it Friday night" . . . So I can't wait any longer. lol.

We also appear to be missing half of the AC adapter. > . < hopefully the AC adapter for my old laptop has 2 prongs and can be used as a replacement. and HOPEFULLY the PS2 actually still works.

I'm a little obsessed.

Ttyl.

D.Fa

Biased

Yo,

so, for the last couple days, like, Monday and Tuesday I didn't go to work. Well, kinda. I was actually at Health Canada's Science Forum. I completely do not consider this 'work' in the same sense. lol. It was good for a change of pace and a change of location and a change. I pretty much considered it two days off. I only had, well, I didn't have to be at it at all, but it was only from like 9-4 instead of my recent 6-6. lol. so it was a good change. Got to hear a bunch of cool things and kinda relax. Got to chill with EJ too, so that was good.

One thing I've been thinking today is that idea that with the same set of data you can come to a very different conclusion than another person. You may put a different emphasis on certain parts of the data, like subsets, and find different conclusions. Or you could only get part of the data and get conclusions that aren't fully formed. But my real thought is about how sometimes you go into the project with a certain outcome already predicted. You are so sure that the conclusion will be such that you actually unconsciously, or consciously, skew the data and leave out certain things and mold the data into the outcome you wanted. There couldn't be another answer. This makes so much sense. Sure there a few things that don't quite make sense, but there are always exceptions, right? So instead you kinda try really hard to get your theory to work around them. Your theory seems to work and is applicable. There may be some issues, but it sounds like the most reasonable idea and it slowly turns into a personal truth.

But then you find out that someone else sees a very different picture. They see a conclusion that, after hearing them explain, is as obvious as could be. All those little issues there were before fade into this amazing explanation.

You have two options:
Admit you were wrong and try to better understand the new theory.
OR
Fight it and defend your position, despite the little issues.

But sometimes these theories get so widely publicized and known that people stop treating them as theory and treat them as law. What can be done now?